


I'll be two Steps behind you

by Lakritzwolf



Series: Unintended Consequences [5]
Category: The Almighty Johnsons
Genre: Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-canonical children, Post-Season 3 AU, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2018-09-25 19:18:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 102,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9840371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: Russ and Danny started a new life together, and together they now go through rain and sunshine and embrace life. Some things never change; some things will never be the same. But there is one thing that remains and will see them through: their love. Always. And forever.Whatever you doI'll be two steps behind youWherever you goAnd I'll be there to remind youThat it only takes a minute of your precious timeTo turn around and I'll be two steps behind.- Def Leppard





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [islandkate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/gifts), [Khim_Azaghal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khim_Azaghal/gifts), [Chelidona (Hobbity)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/gifts).



> Find more facial references for new characters [here](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/2Steps_Cast).
> 
> * * *

Russell unlocked the door and the first thing he noticed was that the last of the moving boxes was finally gone. Then he wrinkled his nose as he closed the door behind him. 

“Are you making Brussels sprouts?” 

Danny looked up at him from the kitchen, and very slowly lifted his eyebrows.

“Yes,” he said in false brightness. “I am making Brussels sprouts! And Brussels sprout soup, and a Brussels sprout bake, and Brussels sprout kebabs because I want to fucking poison you!”

Russell stared at him and blushed a very deep crimson. Danny was standing in the kitchen and had three pots on the cooker, and the oven was also running. 

“Seriously, you could at least say ‘Hi’ after coming in before you start complaining.” Danny stared into one of the pots and stirred.  
Russell swallowed and dropped his backpack. “I’m sorry…” He said meekly. “I... Oh fuck, Danny, I’m sorry.”

Danny frowned at him. “Hi.”  
“Hi Danny,” Russell muttered and stepped closer, shoulders hunched. “Thanks for cooking.”  
“Really?” Danny asked tonelessly.  
“Danny, I’m sorry, okay?”

Danny looked up. “Seriously, Russ, I know you hate Brussels sprouts, but was that necessary?”  
“No.” Russell wasn’t quite done with his blush even if it wasn’t deep crimson anymore. “I’m sorry.” 

The frown still on his face, Danny stirred in a pot again.

“Danny?”  
“Hm?”  
“Are you going to be mad at me for the rest of the evening?”

Now Danny looked up again and sighed. Russell looked absolutely miserable. 

“No,” he said. “But you get why I’m miffed?”  
“I do.” Russell stepped closer and then leaned his forehead against Danny’s upper arm. “I’m sorry.”

Danny sighed again and then kissed Russell’s temple. “Had a shitty day?”  
“Just busy as fuck. I’m knackered.” Then he looked up. “No reason to take it out on you. I’m really…”  
“I get it,” Danny said gently. “You’re sorry. It’s okay.”

Russell took a deep breath and pressed his lips together. Then he exhaled again.

“What’s for dinner?”  
Danny pointed at a printed sheet he had blue-tacked to a cabinet door. “I found that recipe and had to try it, so we’re having chicken drumsticks, hopefully. And mash.” Then he gave Russell a pointed look.  
“I’m not going to mention those nasty little fuckers again,” Russell said with what was almost a pout. 

Now Danny chuckled. “Yeah, I made sprouts, because I like those nasty little fuckers. But I also made peas.”  
“Peas,” Russell said and smiled. “I do like peas.”  
“I know.” Danny stirred in a pot. “So we’re both having little green balls on the plate.” He paused. “But my balls are bigger than yours.”

Russell lifted one eyebrow. “That was bad.”  
Danny looked at him and nodded.

A moment later they both laughed.

Then Russell headed into the bathroom and changed into sweatpants and a hoodie while Danny laid the table. The chicken drumsticks turned out really nice, but Russell watched Danny eat his sprouts with a shake of his head. They had stopped discussing about the proper way to eat them – not at all as far as Russell was concerned – but Russell was still not over the way Danny ate them. 

He had a tube of tomato purée, and each and every one of those nasty little fuckers got a little cap of tomato purée before he started eating. It looked endearing, but tomato purée or no, Russell didn’t touch them with a ten foot pole. 

“I still can’t imagine that tomato purée makes them any better,” Russell said as he watched Danny decorate his sprouts.  
“They taste great like this.”  
“I’d rather screw a cactus than eat one of those things.”

Danny snorted and put the lid back on the tube. 

“Why are you even eating them like this?”  
Danny speared one of the sprouts with his fork. “I’ve always eaten them like this.”  
“How can anyone even come up with that?”  
Chewing with gusto, Danny shrugged. “I think my mum came up with it,” he said after swallowing. “To make me eat them as a little boy. Apparently, it worked.”

Russell eyed Danny’s plate and the lined up Brussels sprouts with little red caps and shook his head. 

They ate in silence, but not because they didn’t know what to say but because they were both busy with the chicken drumsticks for the moment.

In the end, Russell dropped the last bone onto his place with a sigh.

“Thanks. That was great.”  
“You want another one?”  
“Only if you want to scrape what’s left of me off the walls.” Russell mournfully eyed the plate with the two last drumsticks.

Danny grinned and got up, and they carried the dishes and pots back into the kitchen and did the dishes together. Once Danny had switched on the dishwasher, they settled down on the sofa.

“You wanna watch Simple Minds?” Danny ask as he took the remote.  
“Nah,” Russell curled up in the corner of the sofa. “Don’t feel like Rom Com. You?”  
“There’s this documentary about... no, that’s already over.” Danny looked up at Russell who had his eyes closed. “Do you maybe just want to go to bed?”

Russell opened his eyes. “No. It’s just after eight.”  
“You look tired as fuck.”

Russell sat up and shuffled closer, and Danny put an arm around him. After snuggling into his embrace, Russell sighed and nuzzled Danny’s cheek. The latter turned his head, and their lips met in a gentle kiss.

“Maybe we could... do something else?” Russell asked after they had parted.  
“As in?” Danny toyed with one of Russell’s curls.  
“I could maybe...” Russell lowered his eyelids and let one hand sneak up Danny’s thigh. “To make up for earlier?”

Danny let go of the curl. “What? The Blowjob of Forgiveness?”  
Russell nodded and swallowed audibly with slightly puffed cheeks.  
“Russ...” Danny sighed and brushed a handful of hair out of Russell’s face. “It’s appreciated, but I’m not really into blowjobs where the person who’s doing the blowing is yawning around my dick.”

Russell let himself fall against the backrest. “We haven’t had sex this whole week!”  
“Yes, we’re turning into monks,” Danny said with a chuckle. “Come on, you’ve been at work every day, and you had a busy week. So you just go to bed and tomorrow we can make use of a whole Saturday just for ourselves.”  
“You’re back in uni again on Monday and then we’ll both be knackered every night,” Russell said with a pout.  
“Yes, but it doesn’t matter if we’re both knackered or only one of us is, sex isn’t really happening either way.”

Russell leaned forward and rubbed a hand down his face. 

“Go to bed.”

With a heavy sigh, Russell got up and headed into the bathroom. 

Danny stared listlessly at the TV and tried a few other channels, but there was nothing that caught his interest. TV3 had an oldie night and while Danny contemplated watching Jaws, Russell came back and yawned. 

“Night?”  
Danny looked at him over his shoulder. “Good Night, Russ.”  
“Are you coming anytime soon?”  
After staring at the screen for a moment, Danny looked at Russell again. “Actually, I could come along, if you don’t mind me reading for a bit.”  
“Not at all.” Russell smiled at him.

When Danny was ready for bed Russell was already curled up under the blanket, but he shuffled closer as Danny got comfortable. Adjusting his book, Danny threaded his fingers into Russell’s hair and toyed with it while reading, and it didn’t take long before Russell’s breathing slowed down. 

Danny kept his fingers in Russell’s hair for as long as he was reading, gently caressing the curls, until he shut the book and put it down next to his phone before switching of his bedside lamp. He settled down, adjusted his blanket and turned onto his side. With a small, fond smile he reached out to pluck a curl from Russell’s face that was teetering in front of his nose and trembled with every breath. 

Then he turned around and quickly grabbed his phone, just to make sure the alarm was switched off, and with a deep sigh, he turned around again to smile at the face of his sleeping boyfriend before closing his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My husband eats sprouts this way. My oldest daughter loves sprouts this way. Don’t believe me that an eight-year-old eats sprouts with tomato purée? I can [prove it.](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/sprouts)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the online floor plan designer at roomsketcher.com to sketch a layout for Russell’s and Danny’s flat, so you can visualize easier how they live. It’s not an architectural blueprint, just a visualisation help. [It’s here.](https://s26.postimg.org/930054rwp/flat.png%20)

The first two weeks after their move passed all too fast, and they weren’t that easy either because now they both had to learn how to organize their everyday lives together. 

During those first two weeks Russell had been working regularly while Danny had stayed at home to play houseman, but now that he was back at uni they both were tired after coming home and had to share the housework. 

Danny was by no means an untidy or chaotic guy, but Russell on the other hand was so obsessed with keeping the place clean and tidy that a pair of socks lying around somewhere could drive him up the wall, especially if he had just started the washing machine. 

Living together had a learning curve. Crunches were inevitable.

“Calm down Russ, it’s just a pair of socks!”  
“I just did the laundry!”  
“So what? Russell, please...” Danny sighed. “It’s just a pair of socks. In a day or two we do the laundry again and they will be gone.”  
“I just wanted to dirty laundry gone.” Russell carried the offending pieces of wardrobe into the bathroom. 

“Russell,” Danny said after he came back. “The laundry is never gone. There will always be a towel or a pair of socks or a pair of briefs or a tea towel, and these things will show up the moment you start the washing machine.”  
Russell fell down into the sofa next to him.  
“Come on.” Danny nudged him in the ribs. “You’re not going to let your Friday evening be ruined by a stupid pair of socks?”  
“You could put your dirty stuff into the laundry basket, you know?”

Danny got up. “Jesus fucking Christ, Russell! Stop acting as if I throw my dirty clothes under the bed just to fuck with you!”  
“Is it asking too much that we keep this place clean and from descending into chaos?”  
“Chaos? Because when two guys live together any place will look like a pigsty within a week? Tell that to Matt and Craig, why don’t you?” Danny crossed his arms and shook his head. “This place is clean! If it was any cleaner we wouldn’t need dinnerware because we could eat from the kitchen floor!”

Russell got up as well. “So should we stop keeping this place tidy?”  
“Russell, There’s a difference between being tidy and your obsession for cleaning! I swear, sometimes I can’t even put my coffee mug down somewhere because the moment I turn around you put it into the dishwasher.” Danny shook his head with an angry sigh. “Seriously, sometimes I feel I’m a toddler the way you keep on cleaning up after me.”

Russell crossed his arms as well with a tight face. He pressed his lips together and didn’t say anything. 

Danny turned around with an angry huff and headed into the kitchen. He opened the fridge, took out the orange squash and grabbed two glasses. After making two drinks he took the glasses and carried them to the table.

“Now can we stop starting the third world war over a pair of socks?” He asked with a sigh.

Russell looked at him with a deep, unhappy frown.

Danny took a deep breath. “You know, no matter how much you clean this place, it won’t turn into your dad’s house.”  
“What the actual fuck?” Russell snapped and crossed his arms.  
“Russell,” Danny said gently. “I know you haven’t really adjusted yet. I mean, I am more than happy to be on my own now, but you didn’t need to get away from your dad. And you’re trying to make this place look like his house.”  
“But I...” Russell stared at him.  
“Yes.” Danny stepped closer and lowered his voice. “You want this. Us. But I know you still miss the house on Godden Crescent.”

Russell dropped his head. “Yes,” he finally admitted. “Yes, I do miss Godden Crescent, and I miss living with my dad.” Then he looked up. “But I like living here with you, so I’m... I’ll try to be less obsessive.”  
Danny sighed heavily. “And I’ll try to keep a better grip on my laundry,” he said. “I’m sorry about that, too. I really should know by now how that annoys the fuck out of you. I’m sorry.”

They looked at each other.

“We’re good again?” Danny asked with a slightly worried undertone.  
Russell stepped close with a sigh. “I really didn’t want to cause such a mess over a pair of socks.”  
“Yeah, me neither. It’s not as if that was only your fault.”

Russell took another step and took one of Danny’s hands.

“I’m sorry,” Danny said in a low voice. “I hate arguing with you.”  
“It’s not my favourite pastime, either.” Russell looked at him. “Kiss?”

Danny smiled and leaned forward to kiss him. Russell let go of his hand to close his arms around him, and Danny closed his arms around Russell in turn. 

Then Russell leaned back with a deep sigh and a small smile.

“Does that warrant make-up sex?”  
Danny snorted. “Do we really have to have an argument before we have sex?”  
“Luckily not,” Russell replied and pulled Danny a bit closer. “And I think that...”

He was interrupted by his phone blaring _Friends will be Friends_. He grimaced and let go of Danny, then walked over to the desk to pick it up.

“Hey Matt.”  
_“Hey!”_ Matt chuckled. _“Why so irked? Did I cockblock you?”_  
“Matt...” Russell brushed back his hair and rolled his eyes. “Seriously.”  
_“Anyway,”_ Matt continued. _“We’re going out for a drink tonight and I wanted to ask if you’d like to tag along? If you don’t have any other plans, that is.”_ The grin was audible and Russell rolled his eyes again.  
“Sure thing, we’re coming as soon as we’ve finished screwing each other into the mattress, okay?”  
_“Okay!”_ Matt said brightly. _“The Watering Hole, but we’re just about to leave here.”_  
“Okay,” Russell replied. “We’re there in a bit.”  
_“Take your time!”_  
“Dick.” But Russell was grinning.

Russell dropped the phone and looked at Danny. “Watering Hole with the others?”  
“Pre- or post-coitus?” Danny asked with raised eyebrows.

Russell sauntered over with rolling hips, a smouldering look in his eyes as he popped the button of his jeans. “They’re just about to leave Westmere,” he said. “I’m sure we have time for a quick blowjob.”  
“Only if it’s reciprocal.” Danny closed his fingers around Russell’s hips. “Don’t fancy sitting next to you for the rest of the night with a boner.” 

Russell licked his lips while lowering his eyelids, and Danny’s smile turned into a smirk.

* * *

Russ and Danny arrived in the Watering Hole not so long after the others had ordered their first round. Once equipped with drinks, the two joined their friends and everyone shuffled tighter together so that they all could fit around the table in the booth. 

Russell took a sip of his beer and looked around, then at Craig. “Janice not coming?”  
Craig shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “She’s with Lucy.”  
With a frown, Russell looked at Matt who shrugged. “I don’t like the way you said that,” he then said to Craig.  
Now Craig shrugged as well. “Shaun ditched her.”  
“Shit.” Russell put his glass down again. “But they were engaged?”  
Craig shrugged again. “Yeah, but whatever. Apparently he’s been cheating on her with a com officer on the ship for months.”  
“Shit.” Russell shook his head. “What an asshole.”

After taking a sip of his beer, Craig nodded. “Yeah, they had everything in place. She even bought the dress and everything.”  
“Oh shit,” Emma muttered. “She must be heartbroken.”  
“Yes, and absolutely furious,” Craig went on. “They’ve been planning the wedding for the better part of the year now, and suddenly he tells her he loves someone else.”  
“Christ, what a wanker.” Emma shook her head and reached for her bottle. “If that was me I’d neuter him first opportunity.”  
“Knowing Lucy there’s a real chance she’d try,” Matt said drily. “And I would hold him down. Cocksplat.”  
“People like him don’t deserve to procreate anyway,” Emma said and took a sip of her G&T. “So I think she’d be doing the gene pool a favour.”  
“Yes, we should leave making pretty babies to other people.” Matt gave Craig a very pointed look.  
“Fuck off,” Craig said to him and took a sip of beer.

“You say that now.” Matt was clearly taking the piss, though, and Craig, knowing him so well, just licked his lips after taking a sip of beer.  
“Jan and I had a contraceptive malfunction once,” he said. “Scared the crap out of both of us. Not gonna happen.”

“So what about you?” Matt asked Russ and Danny now. “Any plans yet?”  
Danny’s beer froze halfway up to his mouth. “Fuck off,” he said as well.  
“You could just say ‘No we don’t have any plans’, you know?” Matt theatrically rolled his eyes. “Jeez.”  
“Then just stop asking stupid questions,” Danny said and took a sip of his beer.

“If you could, which one of you would get pregnant?” Matt said and adjusted his glasses, clearly not able to resist the temptation.  
Danny got a drop of beer down the wrong way and coughed.  
“We could both get pregnant simultaneously and yell at each other in the delivery room,” Russell deadpanned. “Now can we change the subject?”

Several people grinned and sniggered.

“Say,” Matt said to Danny after a sip of his beer. “As a paramedic in the making, do you learn how to deliver babies?”  
After wiping a few drops of beer from his beard Danny nodded. “In clinical practice,” he said. “I go through every ward in the hospital, including the maternity ward.”  
“Every ward?” Matt asked. “Also paediatric and maternity? I thought it would only be ER and that sort of thing.”  
“Nope, every ward,” Danny replied. “So far I’ve been through most of them. What’s left is the actual ER and ambulance operations, but before that it’s the maternity ward.”  
“So the best is yet to come?”  
Danny nodded with a smile.

“But...” Emma tilted her head with a puzzled frown. “Isn’t that going to be awkward? As a guy in the delivery room, I mean.”  
“No idea,” Danny said. “Maybe a bit. But it’s mandatory for the course, so I guess I’m not the first.”  
“But aren’t vaginal exams going to be a problem?”  
“What? Why?” Danny leaned back and lowered his eyebrows. “Emma, it’s a fucking patient, for fuck’s sake! You’re not seriously thinking I pop a boner every time I look at a vagina? Especially one that means serious business?”  
“Serious business?” Matt asked despite himself.  
“Ever seen pictures of a vagina giving birth? I think it’s the least sexy sight I can imagine.”  
“Uh...” Matt adjusted his glasses. “Why are we having this conversation?”  
“Because you started it,” Danny said somewhat sharply.

There was a slightly awkward silence after that statement.

“Change of topic,” Emma said. “We need another round.”

That found general agreement and by the time Russ and Emma had equipped them all with new drinks, the atmosphere had lightened again.

“Hey Russ,” Craig said after taking a sip. “I met an old friend the other day and I played a bit of Jormungand to her. She said it’s great, but she also said we probably need another guitar.”  
Russell shrugged. “I’ve been thinking about it. But we got our sound pretty much established.”  
“But we talked about having a rhythm guitar,” Emma said. Then she looked at Craig. “Did she volunteer?”  
“Yeah,” Craig said with a chuckle. “She was always jealous that I got into my second band and she didn’t.”  
“And is she any good?” Emma asked then.  
“I’d say so. Her voice is nothing to write home about, but she can play.” Then he looked at Russ. “So?”  
“Why are you all looking at me?” Russ looked around. “I’m the founding member, not your boss!”  
“And we can’t make any decision about it right now anyway,” Matt added. “We think about it, and then we can talk about if we want to see her or not. Then we still can decide if we need another guitar or not.”

“We should meet anyway,” Danny said. “Haven’t played together in ages.”  
“Yep,” Matt said brightly. “Probably totally rusty.”  
“Can’t have that,” Craig added. “Tomorrow? Or does anyone have to work?”  
“I do,” Russell said. “But only until two.”  
“Then studio at three?” Emma asked.

Everyone nodded, and they lifted their glasses in what was now practically a tradition.

“To Jormungand,” they said in unison and all of them took a sip with a grin or a chuckle.


	3. Chapter 3

They were a little tipsy when they came home that night, but had taken care not to drink too much since Russell had to get up the next day for work. 

Despite that, Russell kept giving Danny smouldering looks as they got ready for bed, and immediately after they had settled down he rolled over to Danny’s side and leaned over him. Danny lifted one eyebrow with a questioning hum. 

“It’s too bad we can’t have babies,” Russell said.  
Danny snorted. “Right now, I don’t think so.”  
Russell pouted. “I’d totally have your babies, you know.”  
“But you can’t.”   
“No,” Russell said mournfully. “But I totally would.”  
“Russ, you’re drunk.”  
“Just a bit.” Russell leaned closer. “How about you?”

Danny reached out and toyed with a few of Russell’s curls. “I had as much as you so I guess I’m a bit drunk as well.”  
“Not too drunk?”  
“Too drunk for what?” Danny asked with a slight frown.  
“To make babies?”  
“God, Russ!” Danny let his head drop back into the pillow with a chuckle.  
“Seriously,” Russell said. “I know we can’t have babies, but that doesn’t have to stop us from trying?”

Danny could only shake his head at that point. 

“So... no babies?” Russell asked with sad puppy eyes.  
“Russ...” Danny replied with a sigh and ran his fingers through Russell’s curls. “You’re drunk. I’m drunk. We’re tired. You gotta go to work tomorrow.”  
Russell’s pout got worse.  
“Seriously, Russ...” Danny traced his fingers down Russell’s cheek and jaw. “I don’t have a degree yet and you don’t even know what you’re gonna do once I got it. I’m honestly not ready for this kind of conversation.”

Russell looked at him and sighed, but when Danny’s fingers passed his mouth he turned his head to kiss it. Then he lowered his head to kiss Danny’s lips as well, and after a few soft kisses he settled down on his own pillow again.

They both turned onto their sides so they could look at each other. Russell took one of Danny’s hands and they entwined their fingers. 

“You’d be an awesome dad,” Danny said with a smile. “And I’m not saying no, okay? Just not yet.”  
“I know,” Russell said softly. “I’m not stupid. Just a bit drunk.”

They smiled at each other and eventually fell asleep, still holding hands.

* * *

When Russ came home from work the next day Danny had prepared a few sandwiches for lunch, and after those and a coffee the two headed to Neilson Street and the studio. 

Emma was already there and Matt and Craig arrived in Matt’s car as Russell unlocked the door. Russell immediately bee-lined for the small sideboard in the corner, and took the kettle which he filled in the small bathroom sink. They only had paper cups and instant coffee but it was coffee, and any more would have required infrastructure that they couldn’t really afford right now. 

After everyone had been equipped with coffee, or in Emma’s case a tea, they started with tuning the instruments while the coffee cooled. 

“So, Russ,” Craig started as he picked a few strings. “Did you get anywhere yet with the new songs you talked about?”  
“No,” Russell said with a frown. “I meant to, but I had a lot going on.”  
“No worries,” Craig replied with a smile. “Just asking.”  
“I got the ideas running round in my head,” Russell said with a smile of his own. “I just haven’t caught them yet.”  
“Yeah, you’ve moved and everything.” Craig picked a few strings again. “We got some time until November.”

Russell took a sip of his coffee. “If we make it.”  
“Cornell would be an idiot if he says no after the way the audience acted last year.” Matt plucked a few strings of his violin as well. “And he’s many things, but an idiot he’s not.”  
“But you applied, haven’t you?” Emma asked.  
“Of course I did!” Russell put his cup down on the sideboard and walked picked up his guitar. “I just haven’t gotten any reply yet.”

“And did you get anywhere with the Auckland Summer Square?” Matt asked then.  
Russell sighed. “They said they’re dealing with a lot of bands that want to play. I have no idea if that’s going to happen, but by the way the email was worded it doesn’t look good for us.”  
“Well,” Matt said, scuff proof as usual. “We just keep trying until we build a reputation.”  
“Gonna be difficult to build a reputation if no one lets us play,” Russell replied darkly.  
“We’re going to be chuffed about that when we get the answer,” Matt said. “No sense in ruining the mood now.”  
Russell looked up at him with a smile. “You’re a never ending source of optimism. No idea how you always keep your mood up.”  
“Someone has to,” Matt said with a grin. “To keep you lot from descending into gloom.”

Everyone chuckled, and then they quickly finished their coffee and tea and got to work. They were a bit rusty all right, but after two repetitions of each song they got back into the flow. After that they took another coffee break and Matt exchanged his violin for his new guitar. 

He had bought himself an electric guitar as well now and had been diligently practising, and everyone had to admit that the sound fit in better than his half acoustic one and definitely improved the sound of their Aerosmith covers. Which was the reason Matt had bought his new baby. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Russ began. “About the rhythm guitar.” Then he looked at Craig. “I mean, now we got rhythm and lead guitar covered for the Aerosmith numbers, but the Jormungand sound might get better with another guitar.”  
Craig nodded. “I’d say so.”  
Russell looked up and around. “What do you think? Should we give it a try?”

“I think so too,” Emma said after a pause. “And we should start with Craig’s friend. If she’s Craig’s friend there’s a good chance she fits in with the team.”  
“I’m actually quite sure she would,” Craig said. “Beth is pretty cool and funny. I had a crush on her when I was fourteen.”  
“Don’t tell Janice,” Matt said with a grin.  
“Fuckface,” Craig said to him. “She already knows.”  
“Yeah, you’d better keep her informed or she eats you little titch for breakfast with Worcester sauce.”

They both grinned at each other though, and the others were used to their occasional tender exchanges of insults. 

“So it’s settled?” Russell looked around again. “Craig is gonna take her along next time?”  
“If she can,” Craig said. “But she’s so hot on joining a band that she’d probably sell her grandma to come along.”  
“Rad.” Russell rubbed his hands and adjusted his guitar. “Another go?”

They practiced for about an hour before they took another coffee break. After sitting down in a circle on the ground Emma looked at Danny.

“Say, Danny?”  
“Hm?” Danny looked at her over the rim of his cup as he took a sip of his coffee.  
“For the end of year concert,” she went on. “I guess we have to do the same as last year?”  
Danny lowered his cup with an unhappy smile. “I guess so.”  
“Well if it’s any consolation, we hate the drum computer solution too,” Matt said.   
“Sort of,” Danny replied. “Still feels shit, though.”  
“I’d be surprised if it didn’t,” Matt replied gently. “But it worked out fine last year.”

Danny stared at his hands with slightly hunched shoulders.

“Hey,” Matt said then. “Once you’re finished you’ll have more time, right?”  
“That’s what’s bugging me right now,” Danny said in a low voice and looked up again. “Once I’m done I’ll be working shifts. Regular weekends are gonna be history then.”  
“We make it work,” Matt said brightly. “And if you say now we should find another drummer we gag you and tie you to your bass drum until you come to your senses.”  
Danny shrugged with a wry grin.  
“I know you’re thinking it.”  
“Well.” Danny took a sip of coffee. “I did, but Russ told me in no uncertain terms that he’d drag me to the studio and on stage by my hair and even by my balls if he has to.”  
“I give him a hand,” Matt said with a bright smile that immediately turned into a frown. “That sounded better in my head.”

Everyone chuckled, Danny included. They all knew that it would be a challenge, but they all assured Danny they would have his back. The general consensus was that Jormungand wasn’t going to happen without Danny at the drums and that was that.

Russell of course had known that Danny had been bothered by this for a while now, and he had firmly told him that Jormungand wasn’t going to happen without him. Hearing the others now voice this as well made Danny feel decidedly better about it. 

That evening Russ and Danny got comfortable on the sofa with a beer and indulged in daydreams about Jormungand at the Auckland Festival, and planned imaginary tours through New Zealand and even the world. They fully knew they were being silly, but there is never any harm done with letting your spirits roam for a while. 

They went to bed early, but not being affected by alcohol that evening and less tired than the night before they didn’t really go to sleep until after midnight. They still made jokes about having to make sure the bed was properly christened, even if they had been living there for a month already. But better safe than sorry. They had also thoroughly christened the sofa and the shower, though Danny had drawn the line at the dinner table. 

So for now they stayed in bed that night, and they fell asleep snuggled up to each other and listening to each other’s breathing.

* * *

Danny’s mother called the next day late in the morning and asked them if they would like to come over for a coffee and some cake. And since they didn’t have any other plans for that day, Russ and Danny finally left the bed and got dressed. 

They arrived shortly after noon and Danny’s mother greeted them with a bright smile. She had made chocolate cake and vanilla butter cookies and the two ate until they were ready to burst. 

“Another?” Dorothy asked and held the cake slice out to Russell.  
“No, thank you.” Russell leaned back in his chair. “It’s amazing, but if I eat another piece you’ll need new wallpaper.”  
Dorothy chuckled and put the cake slice down. “More coffee?”  
“That’d be nice. Thank you.”

They spent some time with small talk while Danny’s father just drank his coffee and industriously worked his way through a plate full of cookies. Apparently these were his favourites. 

“So,” Dorothy said to her son after a small pause. “When are you starting the next part of clinical practice?”  
“Tomorrow,” Danny replied.  
“And where will you be?”  
“Maternity ward,” Danny said with a small, wry grin. “Paramedics need to know how to deliver babies.”  
Dorothy smiled and picked up her cup. “And are you looking forward to that?”  
“I’m definitely looking forward to getting back into practice,” Danny said and took his own cup. “I have to admit it feels a bit weird, though.”  
“Come on,” Russell said. “You’ll ace it.”  
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t. Just that it’ll feel weird at first.”

Before Russell or Dorothy could say anything else the doorbell rang. Dorothy quickly got up and opened, and they could hear the delight in her voice as she greeted whoever it was at the door. By the sound of it there were two people, and moments later Danny’s Aunt Laura and her daughter Emily entered the dining room. 

“Hello Daniel!” Danny’s aunt gave him a bright smile. “Hello Russell.”

She was in an exceptionally good mood, and Emily as well. It didn’t take them long to find out why because she blurted it out the moment Dorothy had returned from the kitchen with two more cups.

“Dotty, guess what?”  
Dorothy blinked a few times.  
“I’m going to be a grandma!”

Dorothy almost dropped her cups and whooped in delight, and the two sisters embraced. Then Dorothy embraced Emily as well.

“Congratulations,” Danny said to the two after they had sat down. “When are you due?”  
“Between Christmas and New Year’s Eve,” Emily replied with a sigh. “Though I sure wouldn’t mind if he or she would be in a bit of a hurry and be there a bit earlier, so I can spend Christmas at home.”

Having finished his cookie Roger now also congratulated his sister-in-law and niece, and Dorothy handed out more cookies and cake with a huge grin. 

Russell didn’t fail to notice that her grin dimmed a bit when she looked at her son. But he also saw how she forcefully put it back and looked at her sister again. 

The topics of conversation turned towards the obvious, that is, babies, pregnancies and childbirth. Dorothy would occasionally look a bit wistful, and she didn’t say much either. She didn’t have exactly many fond memories to share and she quite obviously didn’t want to scare her niece with all the things that could go wrong. 

Russ and Danny followed Danny’s father into the back yard where the latter lit himself a pipe. It was a vice that he indulged in only very rarely, but Russell actually enjoyed it because he used a very good tobacco that smelled really nice. 

“That was quick,” Roger said after exhaling the first cloud of smoke.  
“What was?” Danny asked with a tilted head.  
“The baby,” Roger replied. “They haven’t been married for very long.”  
“That’s true. Think it was an accident?”  
“Can’t imagine it was,” His father said and clamped the pipe between his lips. He puffed his cheeks a few times and took the pipe out again. “She’s just so young. I’m not sure twenty isn’t too early for a baby.”  
“If she wants it,” Russell joined the conversation. “I’d guess as a younger mother you’d have more energy.”  
“Possibly.” Roger frowned at his pipe. “Well, it’s their decision, not my business.”

They remained outside for another while until it started to rain, and Russ and Danny went home again shortly after that.

* * *

“I’m not sure how to feel about all these conversations about babies this weekend,” Danny said as he fell into the sofa.  
“See it as mental preparation for your next module of clinical practice.” Russell sat down next to him and offered him one of the two coffees he had made.  
“Thanks.” Danny took it and leaned back. 

They looked at each other in silence for a moment.

“Your mum isn’t very happy for her sister, is she?”  
“Oh, she is.” Danny blew onto his coffee. “But she’s also sad, and can you blame her?”  
“No.” Russell sighed and stared into his coffee. “I actually feel sorry for her.”  
“So do I,” Danny replied in a low voice.

“Do you think they are thinking about grandkids?” Russell asked after a moment.  
“I’d be surprised if they didn’t,” Danny replied slowly. “I mean, we had this discussion before, but in the end my mum said she didn’t have me to have grandkids but to have me.”

Russell reached out and ran his fingers through a few strands of Danny’s hair.

“But...” Danny sighed and closed his eyes. “I know they...” Then he looked at Russell again. “They’re trying. They really are. I know that my mum wants to brag about grandkids, and they know that in a same-sex relationship having kids is not as straightforward. I dunno...” He shrugged and tried his coffee, but it was still too hot. “Maybe they feel that an adopted kid won’t really be theirs.”  
“But at least they don’t nag you all the time like other parents might.”  
“Yeah...” Danny looked up at Russell again. “I know they want grandkids, but they’re doing their best to not talk about them. They’re really trying.”

Russell shuffled closer and nudge Danny’s temple with his forehead. 

“I know they do,” he said softly. “But they also know that we’re far from ready for that yet.”  
Danny smiled crookedly.   
“And I guess you will have your share of babies in the immediate future,” Russell said then with a wink. “And you know what?”  
“What?”  
“I’d love to see you with a baby.”  
Danny snorted.  
“I mean...” Russell grinned. “I’d love to be able to follow you around and watch you. I’m sure you’re awesome.”  
“Maybe they have a Take-your-boyfriend-to-work day,” Danny replied. “Then I can take you along.”

“On the other hand...” Russell took a cautious sip of coffee. “I’m really not good with bodily fluids of any kind, so...”  
“You just stay home and sell guitar strings and leave the ickies to me.” 

They exchanged a grin and then a small kiss before they got comfortable with their coffee.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we didn’t get any details of Danny’s clinical practise yet, simply because I have no real idea what is going on. But I think we should get a glimpse every now and then, so here we are, the only ward I can actually write about with a good conscience: The maternity ward. (Been there three times.) I will not go into too much detail here, so no grossing out.

After finally putting on his work clothes again, Danny was ready to take on the world. Though truth to be told, the maternity ward made him slightly nervous, and he couldn’t even say why. Maybe it really was a gender issue. He would have to get used to that.

One of the head midwives welcomed him and showed him around the ward, but from the first moment, Danny knew he wouldn’t be enjoying his work very much, at least as long as she was around. Maybe he was doing her wrong and her resting bitch face was just her face, but he couldn’t help the feeling that she looked at him in barely concealed disdain. 

So he did his best, even though he knew he would never be able to satisfy her and never be able to do a good job in her eyes. He did his best to memorize locations and the names of the other midwives and midwife students and tried not to be in the way. Not having a clue sucked, but he was keen on amending that.

The first two days he was taught a few basics which he wouldn’t really need out in the field, but that were useful here and now in the ward. A few things he could do on his own already, like taking blood pressure or temperature, and with the rest he did his best to learn. Attaching the foetal monitor and how to read it was no big thing, but vaginal exams were admittedly worrying him a bit. 

He had to learn how to measure the cervix, to be able to assess how close to giving birth a woman was, and like all the midwife students he started with the training equipment which was a silicone vagina, or rather several of them in different stages of dilation. 

He had three days before his first actual vaginal exam, after double checking with the woman in question if she was okay with being touched so intimately by a man.

“As if I give a shit who’s poking around down there,” the woman replied with a crooked smile. “My gynaecologist is a guy too and he sticks more than his fingers in.”  
Danny managed a smile and went ahead.

But the moment he touched her, his mind fell into place. It was a patient. It was a body that he had to assess, and age, size, gender or sex were completely irrelevant.

He hit rather far off the mark, though.

“No, it’s actually closer to three than to six.” The midwife next to him gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, that’s just a matter of practice.”  
“You’re giving people false hopes!” The mother-to-be said in mock despair.  
“Uhm...” Danny tried to smile. “Sorry.”  
“Oh well, we all start somewhere.” She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply when the next contraction came. “Bugger that.”

Somewhat later, Danny and Megan, the midwife who had him under her wings for now, did another cervical examination and the expectant mother was moved into a delivery room. By that time the young woman was already past making jokes and was leaning heavily on her husband with every contraction.

Danny came along as well, and made sure he wasn’t in the way while still able to see what was happening. 

He wasn’t prepared. But it wasn’t anything he smelled or saw because he wasn’t bothered by bodily fluids, it were the sounds.

He had never thought he would ever hear someone scream like that. It was a bit unsettling and Danny wondered how on earth it was possible that families existed with more than one child. 

Before he could be distracted too much by these thoughts the baby was born and the screaming finally stopped, and one of the two midwifes waved him over to take the [Apgar score](http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/apgar.html), which was something he had gone over in the classroom. Everything was fine, and the mother welcomed her baby that was put onto her chest with tears of joy. 

“So,” Megan said to him a bit later in the break room as she poured him a coffee. “Any thoughts?”  
Danny took the cup with a wry grin. “Yeah... I wonder how any woman willingly has more than one baby,” he said.  
Megan chuckled. “It’s a mystery, isn’t it?”

They didn’t have time to finish their coffee because two more women came in shortly after each other. Danny accompanied Megan twice more for exams and for one birth before he headed home – as student in clinical practise he didn’t work shifts but from seven to three – and he was half asleep when Russell came home from work later that day. He tried to apologize for not having made dinner but Russell told him to remain on the sofa, brought him a coffee and made a potato bake.

* * *

Russell had been pondering the thing about a new band member for the whole week, and by the time Saturday had arrived he was so excited it was ridiculous. Danny was chuckling on their way downstairs in the elevator, because Russell was almost as excited as a kid before Christmas. 

“You should hold your horses,” he said to Russell as they sat down in the car. “She might not be what we need at all.”  
“Honestly?” Russell fastened his seatbelt. “If she’s a friend of Craig, I’m pretty sure she fits in. And Craig said she can play, and I trust him.”

The way Russell bounced down the stairs to the studio had Danny chuckling again, and while they made coffee, Emma came skipping in as well.

“Did you guys eat a bouncy ball for breakfast?” Danny asked as he looked back and forth between the two.  
“Two!” Emma skipped over and unwrapped a tea bag. “Aren’t you looking forward to meeting a prospective new band member?”  
“I am!” Danny grinned as he picked up his cup. “But for some reason it doesn’t feel like Christmas to me.”

Emma poked him in the ribs and Danny barely evaded her finger. 

Before either of them could say anything else they heard the engine of Matt’s car, and they all looked towards the door in excited silence. 

Matt entered first with a cheerful wave. “Hello!”  
“Hi Matt!” Russell craned his neck. “Did she manage?”  
“Yes!”

Behind Matt a young woman entered now, with a bright smile and a cheerful wave as well. She wasn’t very tall, especially standing next to Matt, and she had sparkling hazel eyes, and shoulder long dreadlocks of the same colour. 

“Hey!” Russell walked up to meet her. “You’re Beth?”  
“Yep!” She grinned brightly. “And you are?”  
“Russell.” They shook hands. “Let me introduce you.”

Since she knew Matt and Craig already, Russell turned around and pointed at Emma.

“That’s Emma, she’s flute, vocals and background vocals.”  
“I love your hair!” Beth’s smile grew even wider.  
“Yours is pretty cool too!” Emma replied with a grin.  
Russell smiled and extended his arm again. “Okay, and that’s Danny.”

Danny saluted Beth with his cup. 

“Danny is our drummer.” Russell smiled back at Beth. “I’m lead guitar and lead vocals. I guess you know Matt’s and Craig’s stuff.”  
“Yep.” Beth crossed her arms, still grinning. “They haven’t been talking about anything else since last night.”

Russell grinned and Matt winked at him. Then he walked over to the sideboard and took the kettle.

“Coffee?”  
“Fuck no!” Beth shook her head. “Vile stuff! I only drink tea.”   
“YES!” Emma fist-pumped. “Finally someone with taste!”

Russell snorted and went to fill the kettle while Beth had a look around.

“It’s a cool place,” she said when Russell handed her the cup. “Thanks.”  
“Yeah, it’s not much, and the acoustics are shitty, but it’s ours.” Russell turned around and looked at the narrow windows. “I’m saving up for a carpet and sound deadening ceiling panels.”  
She looked up and nodded. “Makes sense. You anywhere close yet?”  
“Not really.” Russell sighed. “But we will get there.”

Beth nodded as she tried to take a sip of tea and had a look around. Since the tea was still too hot she followed Craig and Matt outside again, and the three came back with their instruments. Russell eyed Beth’s guitar case with unmasked greed. 

“Instruments are to Russ what kittens are to other people,” Danny said to Beth. 

Beth threw her head back and laughed. A tiny flash of silver left no doubt about the fact that she, too, had a tongue stud.

“I like that thing,” Danny said with a grin and cast a quick, knowing glance at Russell.  
“What thing?” Beth asked with a smile.   
“The tongue stud.”  
“Oh, that!” Beth toyed with her tongue in her mouth. “Made me doubt my life choices after I got it, but I quite like it now.” Then she winked. “Ever kissed someone with a tongue stud?”

Before Danny could answer, Russell had clamped both arms around his hips. “No, and he’s not going to!”  
“What?” Beth grinned and lifted her eyebrows.  
“Dibs on the drummer,” Russell said firmly. “This one’s mine.”  
Beth laughed even harder than before. “So no kissing a tongue stud?” She asked with a giggle.  
“All the fucking time,” Russell said in what was almost a purr.

Beth’s face froze into a puzzled smile until Danny stuck out his tongue at her. She burst out laughing and guffawed so hard she almost dropped her tea.

“I’m sure Beth will fit right in,” Matt said and adjusted his glasses before opening his violin case. “She’s as nuts as the rest of us.”

Beth was still giggling as she went to get her own instrument. Russell couldn’t resist and had a closer look at her guitar. The two talked shop for a bit until a loud and theatrical yawn from Danny brought them back into this realm. 

“Right. Okay, so...” Beth adjusted the strap of her guitar. “Matt has been playing your stuff to me, and he scribbled down the chords and tabs. I tried some of it, but I doubt it’s going to be any good yet.”  
“We’ll see about that,” Russell replied with a smile. “Is there a song you’re comfortable with trying?”  
“The one that...” Beth scratched her chin.  
“The Battle Prayer,” Matt interjected.   
“Yeah, that’s the one!”

“Okay.” Russell turned to Danny who was twirling his sticks. “Give us the rhythm, and Beth and I are going to try that together. See how it pans out, maybe we can get it together with all of us.”  
“Sure thing.” Beth dug into a pocket and produced a guitar pick and a folded sheet of paper. She put that onto the amplifier her guitar was plugged into and nodded. “Let’s try this.”

It was obvious that Beth had practiced, and it was also obvious that Craig hadn’t exaggerated. She could play. She and Russell played the rhythm guitar part for the song three times, and after the last one, Russell had a look around. 

“What do you lot think? Should we give this a try?”  
“It did sound okay,” Craig said and adjusted his bass. “I’d say it can’t go totally wrong.”  
“Now you jinxed it,” Emma said and took her flute.  
Craig shrugged with a grin. 

After everyone was ready Danny lifted his sticks and gave them a count of four. It was clear now that Beth was a bit nervous, but she did a good job. It didn’t go half bad. Her chords weren’t off, just her timing wasn’t perfect, every now and then. But it was clear as rain that the sound of them with a second guitar was worlds better. 

“Wow,” Emma said after the song had finished. “That was... impressive. I had no idea it would sound that different.”  
Russell looked at Beth with a bright grin. “Hey, that was honestly quite good for the first attempt.”  
Beth bit her lip and twitched her head. “Thanks,” she said. “I gave it all I had.”  
“That was obvious.” Russell brushed a few strands of hair back. “And it was good. This is going to be brilliant!”

The others looked at each other. 

“So...” Beth stopped biting her lips. “I’m in?”  
“Yes from here!” Danny called from behind his drum kit.  
“Yes, definitely,” Emma immediately said.  
“Absolutely,” Matt said then. “Craggers?”  
“Don’t call me that, fuckface. I brought her here, of course she’s in as far as I’m concerned.”

Beth looked at Russell.

“Welcome to the team,” Russell said. 

Then he stepped closer for a high five after which Beth jumped with a mid-air fist pump. Everyone laughed, and once Beth had sorted her hair, she looked around with a grin. 

“So... is there any other initiation rite?”  
“Only one,” Matt said with a bright grin.  
“Okay?”  
“Yes.” Matt was still grinning. “You have to be able to pronounce the name Jormungand correctly.”

Beth snorted and cleared her throat. “Can I hear that again?”  
“Jormungand,” Russell said, with extra care about the hard consonants.  
After a deep breath, Beth tried. “Jormungand?”  
“Close. Yore-moon-gand.” Russell rolled the R hard at the back of his throat. “Jormungand.”  
Beth bared her teeth. “Jormungand!”  
“That’s it!”  
“Group hug!” Emma yelled.

Everyone cheered, and they put their instruments down for a group hug. Beth was grinning like an idiot and hugged everyone back as hard as she could. She was wiggling with excitement as Russell headed for the sideboard to fill the kettle.

“God, Craig, I so owe you for this!”  
“Bullshit,” Craig said with a grin. “We’ve been talking about a second guitar for a while. And you’ve been lucky we ran into each other.”

Beth smiled and accepted the cup Russell handed her with a nod. Matt had produced a bag of Jet Planes and was making a round to offer everyone some. 

“So, Beth?” Russell asked.  
Beth tucked a dreadlock behind her ear. “Yes?”  
“Can I ask what you do when you’re not trying to get into a band?” He winked.  
“Jet Planes!” Beth’s grin could be outright adorable. “Thanks!” She shoved two into her mouth and only then remembered that Russell had asked her a question. 

“Sorry,” she said after she had finished chewing. “Jet Planes are the bane of my existence.”  
“You’re in good company!” Danny added, coming just out of the bathroom. 

Russell stuck out his tongue at him, a gesture that was immediately reciprocated. Then Russell looked back at Beth. 

“So, if you don’t mind telling me, what are you doing?”

Before Beth could reply, Matt yelled from the background: “She takes care of primates!”

After a second of confused silence, Danny twirled one of his drumsticks. “No, Russell meant what you do for a living when you’re not trying to get into a band.”  
Beth laughed after flipping Matt a bird. “I do indeed work with primates. I’m a zookeeper and work at the Auckland zoo.”  
“Wow.” Russell’s eyes widened. “So, you work with chimps and gorillas?”  
“I told you she’d fit in here!” Matt yelled.   
“Yes, her skills will come in handy,” Emma said and walked over to Beth to nudge her in the ribs. “The next time you hairy lot are getting hammered at a party.”

Beth laughed so hard she doubled over. 

They went back to practising shortly after and kept going until they were too hungry to go on. Then the band headed to Danny’s and Russell’s place to have some pizza ordered home, and agreed on meeting again tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find Beth here, along with the rest of [the cast](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/2Steps_Cast).


	5. Chapter 5

Since Donna, the head midwife who for some reason didn’t seem to be able to stand him, worked shifts like all the others, she wasn’t able to breathe down Danny’s neck every day. But on those days that she had the morning shift, Danny was more than happy when it was noon, not because of his lunch break but because it meant shift turnover. 

Danny honestly had no idea what he had done wrong, and by the end of the second week, he dared to approach Megan and hesitantly asked her.

She lowered her cup. “Danny... honestly, I don’t think you did. I couldn’t think of anything.”  
“But why...” Danny sighed. “I just feel I can’t do anything right.”  
“She occasionally does that to people,” Megan said with a sigh. “Especially students. Just keep on doing your best. You can’t do anything else, so just do your job so you know you don’t have to blame yourself, because she will look for something.”  
Danny sighed again. “You think it’s because I’m a guy?”  
“I would like to think that we’re over those kinds of issues nowadays,” Megan replied. “But I wouldn’t put it past her. It tends to stop after a while, though.”

Danny had no idea what to say, or what to do about it. In the end, Megan was right and he could only do his best so that he knew there was nothing wrong with him. But he dreaded the moment when he would make an actual mistake while she was around.

* * *

By the end of the second week Danny had watched more than a dozen babies being born, had taken Apgar scores and examined newborns, and learned how to handle those tiny little things, at least the basics. 

It was on Wednesday during his third week that he was finally ‘christened’. The midwives and the paediatrician snickered while Danny looked at the wet stain on his shirt and back at the wriggling little baby boy on the examination table before him. 

“Okay buddy,” Danny said to the baby and wrapped him into the towel again. “At least now we know your kidneys work.”

He handed him back to the new mother who had only eyes for her baby. 

Danny had just time to change before he was called into the next delivery room. This time the midwife in charge was Donna, and he prepared for the worst. 

But Donna was all business, and her focus was on the mother and the birth instead of Danny. So he watched, memorised, and then clamped and cut the cord and took the first Apgar score. 

Donna couldn’t find anything to berate him for. For now. Danny didn’t give in to any illusion that at one point she would find something for which to give him an earful. 

It was the next time he and Donna had the same work hours that she finally found something. Danny was preparing for a cervical exam and he felt her eyes bore into his back like daggers. So he was as careful as he could.

“Six?” He offered then.  
Donna frowned at him as she put on a glove. “You need to focus,” she said. “You can’t take this long for a cervix assessment. Not when you have to do it in an emergency situation.”

Now the woman lifted her head. According to her files this was her third child. “He’s learning, right? All beginnings are difficult.” She winked at Danny and Danny smiled back. “I have never met a male midwife.”  
“I’m not a midwife student,” Danny replied. “I’m a paramedic in training.”  
“Oh, and you have to learn to deliver babies.” She grimaced. “That hurt!”

“Five,” Donna said as she pulled her hand out and looked at Danny as she dropped her glove into the bin, and to the expecting mother, she said: “Cervical exams can be unpleasant.”  
“Well it didn’t hurt when he did it!” The mother said to her with a scowl.  
“And he got it wrong now, didn’t he?” Donna looked at Danny.   
“At least he didn’t hurt me,” the mother said. “Do you think he’s enjoying himself poking around in strangers’ vaginas?”  
Danny huffed out a chuckle. “If I tell that to my boyfriend he’s going to laugh so hard he’ll sprain something.”  
Despite being in labour, the mother had to laugh at that.

The look Donna gave him made Danny regret the day he was born. Sure enough, she took him into the break room, which happened to be empty, and gave him a serious talking-to regarding maturity, focus, behaviour towards patients and keeping conversations professional. And Danny didn’t talk back because he feared repercussions that might affect his grades, as she was the one to sign his evaluation report, so he just swallowed it all. When she left him to go back to work, Danny doubted his choice of career and was close to tears. 

It was Shirley, a midwife in her fifties and the most soft-spoken woman Danny had ever met, who found him like that slumped over his empty cup.

“Danny? What’s wrong?”  
Danny shrugged and stared into his cup.  
“Come on.” She sat down. “What happened?”  
“I just...” Danny didn’t look up. “I fucked up and I seriously...”  
“Oh dear.” Shirley patted his hand. “Tell me what happened.”

Danny sighed, and finally looked up. After a moment’s hesitation, he told Shirley about the harangue he had gotten and the reason for it. Shirley listened to him and when he had finished, got up and took his cup for a refill.

“I’ll go and talk to her,” she said as she put down the cup in front of him.  
“No!” Danny looked up at her. “It’ll make it a million times worse!”

Shirley looked at him for a long moment. 

“I’ve seen how she talks to you sometimes,” she said then. “I mean, she was never a cheerful person, but since her husband left her, which doesn’t surprise me, really, it’s gotten worse and worse. So don’t let her tell you something about professional behaviour when she takes out her frustration on you. I told her a few times already that you’re doing nothing wrong but she just...” She broke off with an angry sigh.   
Danny shrugged. “What can I do...”  
“Nothing.” Shirley patted his shoulder. “But we’ve all taken a shine to you,” she went on with a wink. “You’re such a sweetheart, the women adore you, and you’re doing a good job. And we’re all on your side.”  
“But she’s the head midwife,” Danny said slowly. “She’s the boss around here, right?”  
“Yes, but that doesn’t give her any excuse to treat you like that just because you’re a guy.”

Danny wasn’t sure what to say, and he went home that day feeling miserable. 

Of course Russell knew what was bothering him, and he pampered him a bit that evening, made him coffee, fed him peanut slabs, made a nice dinner and gave him a massage before bedtime. It made Danny feel a bit better, but he dreaded going back to work the next day. 

Donna had called in sick, and Danny felt almost bad for feeling so relieved. She was sick for the rest of the week, and during lunch break on Friday, Shirley and Megan informed Danny that they had reported her for sexual discrimination. Apparently one of Danny’s fellow students, a guy who was also training to be a paramedic, had gone through almost exactly the same during his time in the maternity ward earlier this year, and Shirley and Megan had talked to Donna back then as well. 

During coffee break that day he learned that Donna had received a written warning. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Not because she didn’t deserve it, but he was worried how that could affect him. 

But when Donna came back the week after, she ignored Danny to the best of her abilities. It wasn’t the best of solutions, but it enabled Danny to enjoy his work again.

* * *

Since Donna now left him mostly in peace he could focus on learning now instead of dreading, and in the following weeks Danny fell into the routines on the ward and lost count of the babies he helped deliver. 

But there was one instance he would never forget, and that was a very young woman who was in despair because the midwifes couldn’t get hold of her boyfriend. They tried and tried, and he didn’t answer his phone. Her parents lived a three hours’ drive away and were on their way, but by the way things progressed it was clear to everyone involved they wouldn’t make it in time. 

Technically, it wasn’t Danny’s job, but there wasn’t anyone else. He checked with Megan first, but she was more than happy he volunteered. So he took the young woman’s arm and walked her up and down the ward, rubbed her back when she had a contraction, and offered her a lot of gentle and reassuring words. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how it had to feel having to give birth all alone, and he didn’t really want to. In the end, he also went with her into the delivery room carrying her bag, and tried not to think about the fact she had come here alone and already in the early stages of labour. 

Danny stayed with Ellen during the whole time holding her hand, simultaneously feeling sorry for her and more than angry at her boyfriend. 

A bit more than half an hour after the baby had been born Ellen’s parents showed up, and they had to have broken every traffic law in existence. They thanked Danny profusely for being there for their daughter, to which Danny replied that he couldn’t have done anything else. 

Danny left them to fuss over their daughter and to gush over their new grandson, and went to get himself a serious coffee. He would have liked to think that the father had lost his phone somewhere, but then forcefully pushed the matter out of his mind. 

About an hour later the new grandmother came to find him in the nurses’ break room to ask a favour of him. 

“Ellen asked if she could have a picture of you,” she said tentatively. “Because she wants to remember the kind young man who helped her in such a difficult time.”  
Danny blushed a little and rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, but got up. “Sure,” he said, and had no idea what else to say. 

The father of the baby still had made no appearance and still wasn’t available on the phone, and by that time Danny guessed that Ellen might be considering being a single mum was the better idea. But she smiled so brightly and happily at him when he entered the room that it was impossible not to smile back. 

“Everything okay?” He asked.  
“Oh yes,” Ellen said and looked at the newborn with a dreamy smile. “He’s perfect.”  
“Congratulations,” Danny added, still smiling. “He’s precious.” 

It was actually worrying him a bit how adorable newborn babies were because seriously, he didn’t need any urge to procreate in his life. Not yet. Not by a long shot. Although to be honest, the midwifes could croon and coo at babies too, even after years of delivering babies, so maybe it was part of the job. A job that Danny actually enjoyed. He had done many different things so far and learned many different things, but this part of clinical practice made him smile every day. Multiple times. And here he wasn’t even a midwife but a paramedic in training, and delivering babies would only be a fraction of what he was actually going to do. 

“So, can I have a picture of you two?”  
“Us two?” Danny chuckled. “Me and your baby?”  
“Yes.” Ellen sat up, slowly and with a wince. “Because I want it as a keepsake.” Her smile softened and her eyes misted over. “I can’t even say how grateful I am that you were here with me. Your girl is the luckiest girl in the world, even if she has yet to find you.”  
Danny smiled and took the baby she handed him. “It’s a boy, actually.”

Ellen stared at him in utter confusion for a moment, then she slapped her hand across her mouth. “Oh god, I’m so sorry! My mouth ran away from my brain again!”  
“No worries.” Danny took a step back. “Like this?”  
“Yes! Dad?”

Ellen’s father took the camera and Danny tried not to look like an uncomfortable idiot. 

“And here I was going to say you could send it to your girlfriend to scare her,” Ellen’s father chuckled.  
“I could scare the crap out of him just fine,” Danny replied with a small smirk. 

“Now smile,” Ellen’s father said. “Or look professional. Proud! You helped make this!”  
“I doubt it.” Danny adjusted the baby. “Russell would have my... you know what.” He cleared his throat, but Ellen and her parents just laughed. 

Danny looked at the camera and Ellen’s father took the shot. 

“Do you want it to scare your boyfriend?” Ellen’s father asked.  
“Sure,” Danny replied and gave him his number. 

Then he said goodbye, wished them all the best, and headed back to the break room and his coffee.

“You’re getting popular,” Megan said to him. “You should consider a change of career.”   
“Not gonna happen,” Danny gave back with a grin. “I’ve been dreaming about becoming a paramedic since I was ten.”  
“Well in that case it’s tough luck for us.” Megan got up with a smile. “Duty calls.”

* * *

Russell was just sitting down to his lunch break, listening to Allan making his tea, when his phone buzzed to announce an incoming text. It was Danny. 

And it was a good thing Allan left the kitchen at that moment to use the bathroom while his tea steeped. He would have had the time of his life with Russell’s undignified squeak.

Russell put his phone down and took a deep breath. 

Okay, so he had always been crazy about babies. But seeing Danny with a baby pushed so many buttons it was scary. 

“We are going to have to talk about this,” he muttered to himself. 

Even though he knew that it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Years, at best. Procreation was the last thing he wanted and needed right now. He wasn’t stupid. 

He had heard it a few times, people telling him that they were too young to be engaged, that they had turned from boyfriends to fiancées too early. Someone had told him he would regret at one point and it was a bad idea to marry your first boyfriend.

But Danny wasn’t his first boyfriend. Okay, so he was his third boyfriend. Was that even an issue?

And why would he regret marrying the man he loved?

Okay, yes, so maybe he and Danny were very young. He was twenty, Danny was twenty-two, and they had been engaged for less than a year. But they weren’t getting married next week now, were they?

Thinking about all that made Russell feel a little bit uncomfortable for a reason he couldn’t fathom. He would have to talk about it with Danny. He didn’t need any feelings making him have second thoughts.


	6. Chapter 6

After dinner that evening, Russell sat down next to Danny on the sofa and bit his lips. 

“Russ?”  
Russell shrugged. “I got something on my chest.”  
“Is this about the picture?”  
“Yes and no.”

Then Russell looked up. 

“Yes, it’s about the picture, because I feel we have to talk about the issue. Not... not when we’re going to, or how, and... you know. Just...”  
“Just acknowledge the existence of the possibility,” Danny said and leaned back.  
“Pretty much,” Russell replied with a heavy sigh. 

“Russ.”  
Russell looked up.  
“You’d be an awesome dad,” Danny said with a smile. “And it kind of worries me too, working with the newborns, how these tiny things push so many fucking buttons.”  
“That was a really bad pun.” Russell tucked a curl behind his ear.  
Danny blinked a few times, then he rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Russ.”  
“Go on.” Russell cleared his throat.  
“Okay, so...” Danny took one of Russell’s hands. “Honestly? It kind of scares me. The responsibility. I mean... it’s huge. But that doesn’t mean no, okay? It just...”  
“I understand. It’s kind of scaring me too.” Russell closed his fingers around Danny’s. “But then... I also want to. One day. I can just see us, walking through Albert Park and going _One Two Three Wee!_ with a little kid between us.”

Danny chuckled and shook his head. “Russ, you’re so cute sometimes I just want to cuddle you into next week.”  
Russell grinned. “Not stopping you.”  
“Come here,” Danny said softly.

Russell immediately leaned into his embrace. Danny settled back against the armrest and backrest of the sofa, and Russell snuggled against him with a sigh as Danny’s arms closed around him. 

“But...” Russell inhaled deeply. “There’s something else, and it kind of... it came up in my mind when I thought about babies, and the picture, earlier on. And I... it feels... it feels bad. Thinking about it feels bad. And I’m sure it’s... I’m sure those thoughts aren’t worth any time thinking about, but...”  
“But talking about them will help you get it out of your head.”  
“I hope so.”

Danny brushed his fingers through Russell’s hair. “Go ahead,” he said gently.  
“I just hope you...”  
“Just go ahead.”

Russell took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His face resting against Danny’s shoulder he listened to his heartbeat for a moment.

“Okay, so...” he began. “It started with babies, and... and it made me think about... about how young we actually are. I mean, I was nineteen when you proposed, now I’m twenty, and I have the feeling the wedding isn’t as far off in the future as it was earlier this year.”  
“I guess not,” Danny said in a low voice. “Is that a bad thing?”  
“No. And I’m in no doubt about my feelings about that. But...” Russell sighed.  
“But?”  
“But I’ve had a lot of people tell me that we’re too young. That I can’t just marry my first long-term boyfriend.”  
“And is that any of their business?”   
“No.” Russell rested one hand on Danny’s other shoulder. “But they put those thoughts into my head, and now they’re there.”  
“And it’s better to talk about them than to wait until it all bursts out.”  
“Yes. You know how my brain ticks.”

Danny combed his fingers through Russell’s hair again. “Yes,” he said. “I know how your brain ticks. And it’s a good thing you came out about that now. I mean, I get where those people are coming from. I mean... I know that sometimes... or maybe that happens only in movies. Sometimes people say to their love that they wish they’d met them sooner.”  
“I’m sure my dad says that to Seona sometimes,” Russell said with a wistful smile.  
“I guess.” Danny sighed and toyed with one of Russell’s curls. “But... that doesn’t happen to us. I mean... when we met I just got my driver’s license and you... fuck, you were only seventeen.” He huffed out an incredulous little chuckle. “So... we honestly couldn’t have gotten together any sooner. So yeah, that’s early. You were just eighteen when we hooked up, and I was close to twenty. So... people say that you should have lived, and try things out, and that marrying your first partner is a bad idea... but honestly, why?”  
“I have no idea,” Russell whispered.

“So why should I have had several relationships that have to end in bad or painful breakups? And why should I have lots of sexual encounters that maybe leave me satisfied, and maybe not, before I can settle down with the person I love?” Danny adjusted his position. “So you were the first guy I was sexually active with. And I love every minute we spend in bed together. So why the fuck should I go and do the deed with other guys just to see if there’s maybe one who’s better?”  
“You don’t know, though. You don’t know how it is with other guys.”  
“That’s a typical Russell Johnson answer,” Danny replied gently. “One with the underlying tone of _Maybe I’m not good enough and maybe you’d be better off with someone else_. I know you’re not doing that on purpose, but just think about this.” 

He turned his face to kiss Russell’s temple. 

“Sex with you is amazing. Still, after more than two years. It leaves me happy, and it leaves me satisfied, and it’s fun, and I trust you. I could never even imagine anyone else that I would let tie me up. We’re both satisfied and happy when the other is satisfied and happy. How can that possibly be any better with anyone else?”  
“I guess it can’t,” Russell said.  
“No, it can’t. Do you think you could find anything better?”  
“What?” Russell lifted his head. “No!”  
“And why should that be any different for me?”

Their eyes met. Russell bit his lower lip, and Danny caressed his cheek with a finger.

“I know that you’re not really thinking it. People put that into your head, and your mind just can’t let go of that. But now that you’ve said it out loud, it doesn’t seem that relevant anymore, does it?”  
“No,” Russell replied with a sigh. “Especially hearing you say it out loud.”  
“And another thing,” Danny said with a smile. “You trust your dad, and his judgement, right?”  
“Yes.”  
“And remember what he said, when he realised we were engaged?”  
“That...” Russell licked his lips and looked at Danny again. “That there’s no minimum age requirement for...”  
“For finding the love of your life,” Danny finished. “Okay, so we’re young. We’re not too young, though, and you know why? Because we’re ready, and it’s nobody’s business but ours.”

Russell snuggled closer with a deep sigh. “No, it’s not.”  
“Apart from that, did the really important people say that? Your dad? Seona? Your auntie Dawn?”  
“No.” Russell sighed again. “You’re right. They don’t matter.”

“So we’re young,” Danny said again. “And we think about a family. But you know what? Because we’re young, we’re not in a hurry. So let me get my degree, and a job, and then you find out what you’re gonna do with your life, and get whatever degree or qualification you need, and get a job. And then we find a place and once we have all those foundations for a family in place, we’re ready for kids. I mean, we could start procreating in a couple of years, or we could wait ten years more. We could be young parents and a young family, or established and settled. But you know what I think?”  
“What?” Russell asked.  
“I think that you’d have more troubles adjusting to another lifestyle after you’ve been DINKs for a decade. So maybe having kids early is the better idea.”

“What about the band, though?”  
“I have no idea,” Danny gave back. “It could be easier to have kids now, as long as we’re not hugely popular.” He winked, and Russell had to grin. “I mean, right now? Beth works shifts and weekends, I’ll be working shifts and weekends, so honestly, with two sets of grandparents and a whole clan of family it might be the better idea to have kids early, but who knows? The question is, if we make it big, are we still going to have kids then? What is easier? We can make that decision only once and we’ll only be able to say what’s better in hindsight, so we just have to... do what feels right.”  
“True.” Russell snuggled closer again. “We can only do what feels right.”

Danny stared at the ceiling for a moment. “I’m glad you brought this up, you know? It feels good, having talked about it.”  
“It does.” Russell ran a hand down Danny’s chest. “And we don’t have to bring it up again anytime soon, do we?”  
“No.” Danny smiled and closed his arms around Russell a little tighter. “Not if we don’t want to.”  
“Or maybe yes, if we pass another stall with baby clothes with metal band designs.”  
Danny snorted.  
“You are so going to buy a Motörhead bodysuit for the first baby, aren’t you?”  
“Or maybe Metallica,” Danny replied with a grin. 

“Or...” Russell lifted his head again. “Or it’s going to be a Jormungand logo.”  
“That’d be brilliant,” Danny said, his grin widening. “I like that thought. Jormungand, the next generation.”

They looked at each other, and burst out laughing.

* * *

That Friday, Danny was going to pick Russell up at work and they would go to the studio to practise. Beth had to work the weekend, so they wanted to make use of the evenings, and maybe go out for a drink afterward. 

There arose a slight problem, however.

It was fifteen minutes until closing time when the jingle of the door bell announced a customer. Russell looked up from the till and at a man in his late fifties, early sixties maybe, with a paunch, gold-rimmed glasses and a rather unkempt appearance that fitted ill with his expensive looking suit. 

“Mr Grant or Mr Wilson,” he said to Russell as if he was talking to a house boy. “Ridgeway.”

Russell lifted both eyebrows, but with a shrug, headed towards the tea kitchen. Allan was filling the dishwasher while Henry was just emptying his cup. 

“There’s a Mr Ridgeway and...” Russell broke off when both men groaned. 

“Your turn,” Allan said.  
“What?” Henry crossed his arms. “I was there last time!”  
“No you weren’t!”  
“Yes I was!”  
“Were not!”  
“Was too!”

“Guys...” Russell looked over his shoulder into the shop, but thankfully, the man hadn’t heard them. 

Allan and Henry looked at each other with an air of defeat and despair. They both lifted their hands and honest to goodness played a round of Rock, Paper, Scissors. 

Allan lost and dragged a hand down his face. Then he rolled his shoulders and entered the shop, firmly plastering a grin onto his face. 

“Why, Mr Ridgeway! What a pleasure to see you!”

In the kitchen, Henry now informed Russell that Elliot Xavier Ridgeway was not only their most important customer as he owned a private music school, but also the owner of this building and thus, their landlord. 

“There is no one in this whole wide world he rather listens to than himself,” Henry added in a low voice. “And unfortunately, the man is also an absolute choleric and talking with him is like trying to navigate through a mine field on a tricycle. You can not shut him up. If you try, he’ll go ape-shit. Last time we tried to gently usher him out as tactfully as we could, he exploded and threatened us with cancelling our contracts and...” Henry shrugged.  
“But that’s damaging his own business...?”  
“I don’t think such minor details will ever cross his mind,” Henry said. “But even if it did and he just uses that to threaten us into submission, we’d rather not risk it.”

Both Henry and Russell peeked around the doorframe and into the shop, where Allan was now smiling empty-eyed at Ridgeway while nodding and occasionally managing to insert an affirmative noise. Ridgeway was talking about pianos and grand pianos, and seemed to be the world’s leading expert on both. And apparently he planned buying new instruments, which of course would create enormous revenue. 

Henry looked at his watch and sighed. “And we booked a table at Vinnie’s tonight.”

Russell sighed as well and he and Henry exchanged a helpless look. At that moment the door bell jingled again and Russell squared his shoulders and entered the shop. He felt an almost comical relief when he saw it was Danny who had come to pick him up, even though he also felt bad for abandoning Henry and Allan to their fate. 

At that moment, an idea popped up in his head and he grabbed it in despair. He cleared his throat and hurried to meet Danny who just put his backpack down on one of the chairs in the coffee corner.

“Mr Barnett!” Russell said brightly and took Danny’s hand to shake it. “I’m so glad you could make it after all!”

Completely thrown off his guard, Danny shook Russell’s hand in sheer reflex. 

“Henry!” Russell yelled over his shoulder. “Mr Barnett is here to tune the drum kit!”

Henry poked his head out of the kitchen and blinked like an owl while Russell grinned brightly at Danny whose facial expression couldn’t be any more confused. One corner of his upper lip was curled up and he lifted his shoulders with a puzzled shake of his head.

“I’m so glad you could make it,” Russell blathered on. “I know that was all on rather short notice.” He grabbed one of the paper cups and pulled a pen out of his pocket. “But the poor thing... I mean really, we tried, but I’m afraid we made it worse.”

He filled the cup and handed it to Danny with another pointed grin. Danny took it and then saw that Russell had scribbled something onto it.

_HELP US_

Still completely bedevilled, Danny looked at Russell who gestured at him to follow. Henry was still looking out of the kitchen and looked as bewildered as Danny did. 

“If you could follow me,” Russell went on. “It’s this way.”

Danny followed Russell across the shop, but mostly because he had no idea what else to do. And while Russell had repeatedly complained about Danny sometimes being as thick as a short plank or two, at least he had the presence of mind to not openly question him, even if he quite obviously still had no idea what was going on. 

It was when they passed Allan and Ridgeway, and Danny saw and listened to Ridgeway talk, and saw Allan listening and nodding with empty, glassed-over eyes, that it clicked. He took a sip of coffee and looked at the drum kit in the corner.

“This is it,” Russell said and pointed at the simple beginner’s drum kit. 

It had only three toms and two cymbals, and Danny looked at it with something close to pity in his eyes. It was somewhat dusty and sat truly almost disregarded in a corner at the back. Russell quickly hurried across the shop again to the shelf with the accessories and fetched a pair of drum sticks.

Danny took those with a nod and sat down. Then he frowned and got up again, and adjusted the toms, bass drum and the two cymbals until he was satisfied with the arrangement of the drums. He shrugged off his coat and handed that to Russell, sat down again and hit the bass drum. 

“I know,” Russell said brightly. “It’s really... this is long overdue, I’m afraid.”

Danny nodded absentmindedly and hit the bass drum again. Then he looked up at Allan and Mr Ridgeway and back at Russell. 

“Tune the drum kit?” He whispered under his breath, so softly that only Russell could hear him, and only because he was able to read his lips as well. 

Russell could only answer with a helpless, embarrassed shrug. 

Then Danny sighed and hit the bass drum again. Apparently he had realised what this was about and leaned forward to fiddle with the clamp of the drumhead while repeatedly kicking the pedal. He gave Russell a few glares as he did so, of the kind that said: _We are going to talk about this_. 

But he played along. He did an enthusiastic drum roll on the snare drum and shook his head, then did the same fiddling with the drum head here as well. He hammered onto the toms, one after another, and by that time Ridgeway had already cast several annoyed and indignant looks into their direction. 

And Danny needed to see only one of those looks before he finally got going. He hit one of the cymbals, making sure he timed it to mid-sentence, and then started playing a simple rhythm. He stopped, fiddled with the two cymbals, and started playing again. 

And to Russell’s surprise he realised – and here he thought he knew enough about drum kits by now – that whatever Danny did, fiddling around there, the sound of the drums did indeed change a bit. He had to be adjusting the tension of the drumheads, so he actually _was_ tuning the drum kit. As seen from a guitarist’s point of view.

Across the shop, Ridgeway had to raise his voice. 

“The toms are okay,” Danny said to Russell with raised eyebrows. He really wasn’t a pro in taking the piss like this and if there was one thing he didn’t have, it was a poker face. “But the crash cymbal is a bit off.” He hit the cymbal in question, making a point of showing why it was called that. 

He continued like this for a moment longer. The sounds reminded Russell of a child playing ‘drums’ with pots, pans and cooking spoons.

“I guess this is as good as it gets,” Danny said then, twirled a drum stick and started playing in earnest. 

Ridgeway looked over and pressed his lips together. Danny ignored him and had apparently decided to show off a bit. Russell had a hard time keeping himself from twitching along in time with the rhythm. He could see Henry, leaning into the doorframe to the tea kitchen, and he was tapping along with his foot. 

Danny geared up. Ridgeway began to shout. 

Then Danny reached the stage of flying hair, and eventually Ridgeway cast one last angry look into his direction before he turned and left. 

Once they were sure he was out of earshot, Danny stopped and lowered the drum sticks.

“Oh my goodness gracious.” Henry hurried over to his partner’s side. “Are you okay?”  
“I think me ears are bleeding,” Allan replied with a slight accent Russell had never heard before.  
“Oh dear...” Henry took his arm. “When he starts relapsing into brogue it’s bad...” He steered Allan into the kitchen. “Come here, honey, let me make you a cup of tea...”

Danny got up, handed Russell the drum sticks and re-did his ponytail. 

“Tune the drum kit?”  
Russell shrugged with a helpless grin. “Sorry, it was the only thing I could think of.”  
Danny cocked one eyebrow and looked at the drum kit again. “I get it, though.”

Henry left the kitchen again and hurried over to grab both of Danny’s hands. “Heaven-sent,” he said. “My dear friend, you will have a lifetime supply of free accessories for this.”  
Danny chuckled. “I didn’t even do anything.”  
“You got rid of Ridgeway,” Henry said firmly. “And now Allan and I will be in time for our anniversary dinner at Vinnie’s. There’s no telling how long he would’ve been here otherwise. Last time he left over an hour after closing time.”  
“Uh...” Danny tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Glad to have helped.”

While Russell now headed into the tea kitchen to get his bag, Danny walked back towards the door again to get his backpack. 

“Oh,” Henry called as Russell had reached him. “Mr Barnett?”  
“Danny,” Danny said with a small grin.  
“Danny.” Henry smiled and pointed his finger at him. “You’re good.”

Danny nodded in thanks and the two were about to leave the shop when Russell stopped. 

“Shit, I forgot my phone,” he said and hurried back inside.

Danny stepped out and leaned against the wall next to the window, and only now noticed three teenage girls stand on the other side of the door. One of them came up to him with a shy smile.

“Hey,” she said. “We... we watched you. And listened. That was... it was pretty cool.”  
“Uh... thanks.” Danny tried to smile.  
“Like, really good.” The girl bit her lip. “You should play in a band.”  
“I... I have a band,” Danny replied. 

At that moment, the other girls came hurrying over as well.

“Oh,” one said in a high-pitched, excited voice. “We wanna hear all about it!”  
“Uhm... we’re pretty new and... we haven’t made it big yet...”  
“Oh, with a drummer like you, you will,” the first girl said. “Can you tell us about your band?”  
“We can stand you a coffee!” The third one added.

Danny shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat. “Uh... I have... plans for tonight. Practise session. Sorry.”  
“Aaaw, poop.” The second girl said. “Amy would’ve loved to stand you a drink.”  
“Fuck you, Joyce.” The girl who had spoken to him first blushed furiously and kicked her friend in the shin. 

Danny was looking back and forth between the three and cleared his throat. 

“Maybe another time?” Joyce asked. “Or later on?”  
“We’re going out for a drink after practise tonight,” Danny said hesitantly.  
“Who’s we?” Joyce was apparently one of those people who didn’t know what shy was.   
“The band.” Danny craned his neck and looked for Russell. 

Before any of the three girls could say anything else Russell left the shop and froze. He looked at the girls, at Danny, back at the girls, and could hardly bite back a grin. 

“Hey babe,” he said to Danny. “You good to go?”

The effect that the word ‘babe’ had on the three girls was ridiculous, and when Russell took Danny’s hand they visibly deflated, made a meek farewell and vanished around the corner.

“I didn’t know you have groupies,” Russell said with a grin as they headed for the car park.   
“Fuck off.”  
“I mean, it’s not as if I don’t understand her. I’d have a crush on you too if I wasn’t your boyfriend.”  
“Crush?”  
“Danny...” Russell looked up at him. “That girl was crushing on you like mad.” Then he frowned. “Hey!”  
“Hey what?”  
“I thought she was hanging around the shop at closing time so much because of me! And it wasn’t me, she was looking for you!”  
“Bullshit. She would’ve picked up on us being boyfriends.”  
“Would she?” Russell was grinning again. “I don’t think we kissed a lot, so she probably never saw us kiss.”

Danny’s face froze.

“Danny has a groupie,” Russell snickered.  
“Fuck off.”  
“Poor girl. Unrequited crushes are hard.”  
“She doesn’t...”  
“The way she looked when she realised you have a boyfriend? Please.”  
“But...”  
“But what?”  
“I don’t...” Danny combed a few strands of hair from his face with his fingers. “She probably tried to use me to get at you.”  
“Possibly, but by the way she looked at you? Not likely. Not at all.”

Danny shook his head with a confused frown. “Girls don’t just... have crushes on me.”  
“Do you know that? There might have been a few in high school who crushed on you like mad, but didn’t say anything because they thought you’re too gorgeous.” Russell nudged him in the ribs. “Besides, you had girlfriends before, right? They sure as fuck didn’t hook up with you before having a crush on you first.”  
Danny stared at him. “Fuck off,” he said hesitantly.  
“You will never know. But that girl has definitely a crush on you and is now totally heartbroken.”

After another moment, Danny shrugged with a crooked little grin. “Well.” He draped an arm around Russell’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, but that’s tough luck for her.”

Russell slung both arms around Danny’s hips and pulled him into a kiss.

“Damn right it is,” he said afterwards. “And I’m the luckiest bloke in the world.”

Danny blushed, but let Russell pull him into another kiss.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** Sometimes, things just go wrong. This chapter contains a stillbirth.

Danny started his week feeling great, after a weekend that had gone smashing. They had done a lot of practising and discovered that Beth was really as good as Craig had said, not that they had doubted his judgement. So they had made progress, and Russell and Danny had spent Saturday night at Godden Crescent after Anders had invited them for dinner. 

It was Danny’s second to last week on the maternity ward, and he had to admit he would miss the work a little. And while a change of career was something that couldn’t be further from his mind, he knew that if he ever and for whatever reason would have to think of that, then this would be the first thing he would look at. With that, he pushed the matter out of his mind, because after the following week he would work in the ER.

He had witnessed three instances so far where the birth had ended in an emergency C-section, although he had never seen the actual surgery. That literally wasn’t any of his business. One of them had been touch-and-go for a while, but mother and child had made it. 

This week, everything went smoothly and by now, Danny was actually the one at the front, together with a midwife. He had to know the moves, had to know how the baby was supposed to emerge, he had to be able to take the slippery wriggling little thing without dropping or choking it, and how to use his grip to protect the mother’s perineum to hopefully prevent it from tearing. 

When that didn’t work the woman had to be cut, and the first time Danny had had to do that his hands had shaken so badly afterwards that he had to hide them in his pockets. Shirley had assured him that he didn’t have to be ashamed of that, and by now, after weeks, that was a matter of fact as well. Megan and Shirley declared him well capable of the basics, and most times the actual birth would happen in the hospital anyway. 

It was Friday just after shift turnover when Danny was called into the delivery room again just as he had finished his sandwich. 

The pregnancy had been easy and absolutely free of any complications. All vital signs of mother and baby were absolutely fine. 

But towards the end of the second phase, the baby’s heart rate dropped below forty during each contraction. They gave the mother an oxygen mask which helped a little, but the heart rate was still far too low. 

Danny knew something was seriously wrong now, and from the tight faces of the midwives and the fact that they called a doctor long before the actual birth it was clear no one knew what and why. The baby’s heart rate dropping during a contraction was quite normal, but not that far. Especially since it didn’t go up again properly anymore. 

Danny watched the midwives discuss an emergency C-section and wondered how he would have to handle such a situation out in the field. They couldn’t perform an emergency C-section in the ambulance, so he wouldn’t be able to do anything. He could administer oxygen and pray. 

Then suddenly things happened all at once. The mother’s screams pitched higher and she started pushing. The midwives were even more alert than before; the baby’s heartbeat had stopped, but moments later the baby was born after all. Against all expectations he didn’t have the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, but he wasn’t breathing, either. 

The airway wasn’t blocked, though. He just wasn’t breathing. The mother panicked and screamed for her baby while the midwives and her husband tried to calm her. 

Danny knew what to do when the paediatrician put the boy on the examination table. Technically he had done CPR on an infant only on a dummy, but he forced his mind into focus as the doctor intubated the infant boy. His feet and hands were a pale blue and were slightly cool to the touch. 

Focussed on the baby and what he was doing Danny lost track of the time, until the doctor took a shaky sigh and leaned back before putting a hand onto Danny’s shoulder. He looked up at her, and the doctor shook her head. Danny stared at the baby while his hands sank down to hang limply at his sides, and his insides recoiled. 

He took a step back into the corner as one of the midwives headed over, and there was an exchange of words between her and the doctor that Danny didn’t listen to. His eyes had fallen onto the mother in the bed, and his heart stopped beating for a second. 

The upper end of the bed was raised and her husband had his arm around her shoulders. They were staring at the midwives with raw terror in their eyes. 

Then the doctor stepped towards the bed, while behind him one of the midwives gently wrapped the baby into a towel. 

The parents stared up at her, and Danny felt his blood run cold at the look in the mother’s eyes.

And then the doctor said the absolute worst, the most terrible, terrible words any parent could ever hear.

“I’m sorry.”

Unable to tear his eyes away, Danny saw how something inside the mother broke at that moment. The raw terror turned into a numb denial as she stared at the doctor while shaking her head, her mouth half open and her eyes almost impossibly wide. 

Suddenly, looking at her became unbearable and Danny dropped his head and stared at his feet. He tried to tell himself that he had done his best, that the death of the infant wasn’t his fault, that he hadn’t died because Danny hadn’t done his job properly. But while doing that, he discovered that guilt about the baby’s death wasn’t his issue. 

Then he felt a hand on his arm and looked up into the face of the midwife. He nodded and followed Shirley outside. 

Once in the break room, he fell into a chair and buried his face in his hands. He was shaking. But it wasn’t because of the baby. 

Someone put a coffee down in front of him and Danny had to blink a few times before the cup swam into focus. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Shirley said slowly. “You did a good job. It wasn’t your fault it wasn’t enough.”  
“I... I know,” Danny replied hoarsely. “I mean... I felt the moment I saw him that he probably wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to give up without a fight, but...”  
“You’re right,” Shirley said softly. “He didn’t have a real chance. But we always have to try everything before we have to give up.”

Danny swallowed and clutched his cup. 

“Was that the first time you watched someone die?” She asked, her voice even gentler than before.  
“Yes.” Danny cleared his throat. “But it wasn’t... I mean, I’ve always known I will see people die. That people will die under my hands. I mean... I tried to prepare myself for that, mentally, but... there isn’t any... you can’t prepare for it. But it really wasn’t...”

After a moment, Danny looked up at her. He hadn’t been quite sure what had been the problem as such, but now that he had started talking about it, it suddenly became clear.

“It wasn’t the baby,” he said after a moment. His heart was beginning to beat faster again. “I mean... it was terrible, but the worst thing wasn’t the dead baby.” He swallowed hard past a big, dry lump in his throat. “It was the mother.” His voice petered out into a whisper.  
“The mother?”  
Danny swallowed again, but the lump didn’t move. “She... I saw it. The moment she realised, something died. Inside her. She... she died.” He finally met Shirley’s eyes. “A part of her died, and she’ll never be the same woman again. God...” His vision swam and he dug the heel of his hand into one eye, then the other. “She hurt... why did she have to hurt that much...”  
“Danny...” Shirley sighed. “I know it’s hard. Sometimes, watching the bereaved ones is worse than the actual death.”

Danny looked at her again, swallowed and cleared his throat. “But it was... I had to think of my mother,” he whispered hoarsely. “I had to think of her because... she lost my older brother. And I know she hurt, and I could see she was hurting when she talked about him... but I just... I had no idea how much she must have been hurting.” He tried to swallow a sob. His chest hurt from keeping himself from bawling like a baby. “My poor mum,” he whispered. “My poor mum...”

After a moment, Shirley took his hand with a deep sigh. “Oh Danny... I think this is the moment to go home to her and tell her that you love her.”

Danny looked up at her with burning eyes, his chest so tight he was hardly able to breathe. 

“And now... I know this is hard, but we have to look ahead now. I know you know that you have to leave the dead behind. You can’t carry their death with you to the next person who needs your help.”  
“I know.” Danny gulped his coffee down and took a few deep breaths. “Give me a moment, please.”  
Shirley got up and smiled at him. “I’ll see you in 07.”  
Danny nodded and emptied his cup. 

He headed for the bathroom and, after thoroughly blowing his nose, splashed some cold water into his face. Having dried his face again he looked up into the mirror and shook his head. He didn’t look as if he had been kissed by the golden morning, but it would have to do. 

_Focus_ , he told himself. _Focus. Someone else needs you now. They don’t need you anymore. They will get the help they need from someone else. Focus._

He had managed to push everything towards the back of his mind when he entered the delivery room, but he knew that he would have to deal with that later.

* * *

When Russell came home that day, he was a bit surprised and also a bit disappointed that Danny hadn’t made dinner, because he usually did that since he was home much earlier than Russell. But he also knew that this had to be one of those days where Danny simply was too knackered after coming home, so that was that. 

“Hey Danny!” He entered the kitchen, but Danny was nowhere to be seen. His boots and coat were there, though, so he had to be home. “Danny?” 

He wasn’t in the kitchen and neither was he on the sofa. Slightly worried now, Russell headed for the bedroom. Danny was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, and he almost jumped out of his skin when Russell opened the door. 

“Fuck, sorry! I didn’t mean to wake you up!”  
“I wasn’t asleep.” Danny turned around and looked at him.   
“Danny...” Russell dropped onto the bed beside him. “What happened?” 

Danny closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but was unable to find words.

Russell sighed and reached out to brush Danny’s hair from his face. “Something went wrong today, right?”

Danny nodded, and his eyes filled with tears. Russell didn’t waste a second; he immediately shuffled closer to pull Danny into a firm embrace. Danny buried his face into Russell shoulder, and he fought it for a moment before he gave up and started to cry. 

Russell could well imagine what had happened, and could understand that a death in the delivery room was one of the worst things that could have happened to kind and compassionate Danny. Sometimes Russell wondered how Danny would be able to cope with a job were people would frequently be dying under his hands, but he usually managed to push that out of his mind. It was Danny’s business, and while he could help with offering a shoulder to him, there was nothing else he could do. 

So for now he buried his fingers into Danny’s hair while he held him and waited for him to put himself together enough to talk. 

It took him a while, but eventually Danny managed to peel his face out of Russell’s shoulder. He turned onto his back but remained as close to Russell as he could. Russell put his arms around him and kissed his temple. 

“It’s...” He began and closed his eyes.  
“Someone died,” Russell said gently. “A baby, right?”  
Danny nodded and took a deep breath. “Yes. And we don’t even know why. He just... his heart stopped beating before he came out and he wasn’t breathing. We did CPR, but he... he was gone.”  
Russell buried his face into Danny’s hair and placed a kiss onto his crown. “Oh fuck...” He whispered.

“But...” Danny whispered after a pause. “The worst thing wasn’t the baby. I mean, it was bad enough, it was awful to see a baby die like that... but it was... the worst bit was the mother.”

Russell felt his throat go dry. 

“She... She... she died,” Danny went on, still in a scratchy whisper. “She died too at that moment. Something inside her died... it was... it was terrible. She was in so much pain, she was so terrified... and... and the baby she held never opened his eyes... he never took a breath. And she died too. Inside.” He took a shaky breath. “And then I thought... I had to think of my mum. I knew she was hurting after... after Oliver. I know that... that she is still hurting. But I never...”

Danny turned his head again and hid his face in Russell’s shoulder. “I couldn’t...” He tried to suppress a sob, but didn’t succeed. “I had no idea,” he whispered, his voice clogged with tears. “I had no idea how much she must have hurt, and Dad too. And that they... they died too, that day. And I can’t stop thinking... what kind of people they were before. What kind of people they would have been if they hadn’t lost him...”

Russell had no idea what to reply and just held on.

“And it just...” Danny was unable to suppress another sob. “It... it hurts so much, thinking about it. That they hurt that much. My mum...” 

Another sob, and now Danny lost it, he went to pieces and held on to Russell while sobbing into his shoulder. 

“My poor mum,” he choked out at one point. “My poor mum...”

Russell held him and combed his fingers through Danny’s hair until the latter had managed to calm down again somewhat. Eventually Danny let go and turned onto his back, and Russell’s heart ached, looking at him. His face was pale and wet, and his eyes red-rimmed and swollen, but the look in his eyes almost broke Russell’s heart. 

Danny stared at the ceiling. “I kind of...” he began hesitantly, voice still rough. “I kind of understand now. Why they were... why they were like that. Why they couldn’t let go. Why they couldn’t handle that I grew up and... and away from them. And I mean, it doesn’t make it okay, what they did... but now I finally understand why they did it.”

Russell kissed his temple and sighed. 

“I think you should talk to them,” he said after a moment. “I think... I think you should go there and talk to them.”  
“I wouldn’t know what to say...”  
“Why?” Russell nuzzled his temple. “You just said it to me. Maybe you have to phrase it differently... but honestly, I don’t think you need to.”  
“But...” Danny turned his head to be able to look at Russell’s face. “I really don’t...”

“I think you should. And you know why?” Russell brushed a few strands of hair from Danny’s forehead. “Because I keep thinking and... and I remember the conversation we had, when you stayed with Matt and Craig. How you told me that... when you talked to my dad... that your parents never stopped loving you? And that... that you had forgotten how to love them back?”

Danny stared at him and another tear rolled down his cheek. 

“I think you remembered,” Russell said softly and brushed the tear away. 

After another moment of staring helplessly at Russell, Danny closed his eyes and buried into his embrace again. Russell held on and rested his cheek in Danny’s hair.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning was one of those rare instances where Russell was awake before Danny was, and he hopped down to the store around the corner to buy a few rolls for a nice breakfast. He was in no doubt that Danny hadn’t slept well last night, and he had several coffees as he waited for him to wake up while he spent some time with his notebook working on the new songs. He always did that best on paper.

When he finally heard the bathroom door he shut the notebook and got up to make coffee, and added a bit of cold water so Danny could just drink it, as he definitely looked like he needed it. 

“Thanks,” Danny muttered as he handed the empty cup to Russell who was holding out his hand. 

Russell ruffled his hair and got up with a smile to make more coffee. When he returned to the table Danny had a roll on his plate, but he stared at it as if he had no idea what to do with it. 

After sitting down, Russell put the cup down in front of him, but Danny didn’t react. 

“Do you want jam with that or chocolate spread?” He asked as gently as he could to tear Danny out of his stupor. 

Danny lifted his head and shrugged. “Sorry, I’m kind of...”  
“It’s okay.” 

Russell took the roll, sliced it in halves and lathered those with chocolate spread before putting them back onto Danny’s plate. Danny was so zoned out however that he first noticed when the roll appeared back in his view. He stared at it for a moment and then looked up at Russell with an embarrassed attempt at a smile.

“Thanks. I don’t know what...”  
“It’s okay.” Russell reached out and took one of Danny’s hands. “You always take care of me when shit happens.”

Danny’s smile softened and he closed his fingers around Russell’s. They exchanged another smile. 

After breakfast they relocated to the sofa with their coffees, but Russell put the remote down again after a moment. Then he looked at Danny who was clutching his cup. 

“Danny?”  
“Hmm?” Danny looked up and tilted his head.  
“Are you thinking of going there?”  
“Where?” Then he shook his head. “To Meadowbank?”  
Russell nodded.  
Danny looked into his cup again. “Yeah, we should go.”  
“No, I don’t think so,” Russell said, and smiled as Danny looked up with a confused frown. “You should go, Danny. I shouldn’t be there. Not this time.”

Danny heaved an incredibly heavy sigh, but then he nodded. “You’re right.”  
Russell reached out and caressed Danny’s cheek. “Though I can come along, drop you off, and go on to visit my dad. Then I can come and pick you up when you want to go home again.”  
“That sounds like a plan,” Danny said and emptied his cup. “I think I... I’d like to go... soon.”  
“I can be ready in a jiffy,” Russell replied and got up. 

He plucked the empty cup out of Danny’s hand and carried both into the kitchen. 

Half an hour later they were both in the car, but neither of them spoke a word until they had reached Meadowbank Road. 

Russell leaned over to pull Danny into a slightly awkward hug, due to still being in the car, and after a quick kiss, Danny left the car and rolled his shoulders. Russell watched him head up the stairs towards the door and started the engine again. 

* * *

Danny still had a key, but since he didn’t live here anymore he had been using the doorbell. This time however he just let himself in, and he needed to take a few breaths before hanging up his coat and taking off his boots. 

“Hey Mum!” He called as he stepped into the dining area. “Hey Dad!”

“Hello Daniel!” His mother left the living room, a bright smile on her face that immediately vanished when she saw him. “Daniel...” She hurried to his side. “What happened?”

Danny discovered he couldn’t make words anymore. He stared at his mother and had no idea what to say. 

He and his parents had never been very affectionate with each other; Danny had always wondered why other families did so much hugging and kissing as that was something that hadn’t happened much in his own home, even when he had been a child. There had never been much touching and not many affectionate words, either. 

He simply wasn’t used to it, and he felt awkward for even thinking it, but he wanted to hug his mother so bad right now that it hurt. His eyes filling with tears he finally caved in and stepped forward to embrace her. 

She stiffened for a moment before she unfroze and closed both arms around him, one hand on his back and the other in his hair. 

“Daniel...” She whispered as she held on. “Daniel, good god... what happened?”  
“Mum...” Danny whispered into her shoulder. “God, Mum... I’m so sorry...”  
His mother tensed and ran her hand up and down his back. “What on earth are you sorry about?”

Danny had no idea how to say what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t let go, not even when he heard steps which meant his father had left the living room as well. 

“Daniel,” his mother whispered again. “Daniel, what happened?”

Finally, Danny was able to let go of her and leaned back again. He wiped his hand down his face. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely and forced himself to talk. “I... Yesterday, at work,” he began hesitantly. “Something went seriously wrong and... and a baby died.”  
“Daniel...” His mother touched his cheek, her face full of sad compassion.  
“And... But...” Danny had to swallow a hard lump in his throat. “But the baby... The worst part wasn’t the baby... it was the mother and...” 

He had to fight for composure and was hardly able to talk anymore. 

“I mean, it was terrible to see the baby die,” he went on in a husky whisper. “But the worst part was seeing the mother. How she... how she was suffering. And I just... I couldn’t stop thinking about... you...” His voice broke and he fell against his mother again and buried his face into her shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” he rasped, unable to suppress a sob. “I’m so sorry, Mum... I’m so sorry, about Oliver, and about... and that you had to hurt that much...”

Danny’s mother closed her eyes and pressed her face against Danny’s head. She closed her arms firmly around him and ran one hand over Danny’s hair. 

“Oh Daniel,” she whispered. “Oh my darling boy...” She placed a kiss into his hair. “It’s okay...”  
“No,” Danny muttered into her shoulder through his tears. “No, it’s not, because I don’t want you to hurt that much, and I just... I’m sorry, Mum.”  
“Oh Daniel,” his mother said again. “Maybe it’s not okay, but it got better over time. And in the end we had you, and that healed a lot of the pain.”

Danny was able to let go again and stepped back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again, and then he looked at his father. “I’m sorry, Dad. I don’t want you to hurt that much... and I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.”  
“Daniel...” His father began, his voice rough. “We have this one consolation: We only had to go through it once.”

Danny shook his head, and didn’t even bother anymore with trying to stop his tears. His father stepped closer and gently closed a hand around his upper arm. 

“Because we had you,” he said slowly. “The greatest blessing God has ever given to us.”

They looked in silence at each other for a moment. Then Danny’s mother stepped closer again and took Danny’s other hand. 

“You were the greatest gift he could have graced us with,” she whispered. “And you still are. And that we...” She closed her eyes and was visibly but fruitlessly fighting her tears.

“I know,” Danny said after a moment, his voice thick and rough. “I know. And I... I understand. I understand now. Why you... why you were clinging so much. Why you didn’t want to... why you couldn’t let me go. I know there were mistakes and... But I finally understand why you felt that way.”

Tears rolled down his mother’s cheeks as she looked at him, and he closed his fingers tighter around hers. 

“It doesn’t make everything okay,” Danny continued, still in a whisper. “But I... now I understand. I finally understand. And I know you said that... that you won’t ask for my forgiveness because you don’t deserve it but I... I understand now. I thought I could never... that I never could. But now I finally understand and I... I can.”

His mother closed her eyes for a moment, and more tears ran down her cheeks. 

“And does that mean...” she whispered hardly audible. “Does that mean you can... you really can forgive us?”

Danny looked at her for another moment before he let go of her hand to embrace her again. 

“Yes,” he whispered into her hair. “Yes, I can, because... because I understand. Because I love you, Mum.”  
“Daniel...” Dorothy’s voice broke on her first word and she had to swallow hard before she could go on. “Oh god, Daniel... I love you too, my perfect darling boy... I loved the wonderful boy that you were, and I love the wonderful man you have become.”

They held on to each other for a long moment before they let go, and Danny’s mother ran her hand down the side of his face in a tender touch as she smiled at him through her tears. Danny was able to give her a small if tearful smile before he turned around to look at his father. 

Roger Barnett looked at his son, his eyes reddening and his lashes glistening with moisture. Danny stared at him for a moment, because he couldn’t remember the last time he had hugged him and wasn’t sure if he ever had. He did remember that his father had embraced him, during the worst moment of his life when he had thought that he had lost Russell, but having hugged him? He had probably never done it before. But he did so now, and his father stiffened for a moment before he closed his arms around his son. 

“I’m sorry, Dad,” Danny whispered into his father’s strong and broad shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to hurt that much. And I... I really understand.”  
His father’s voice was shaky, almost brittle. “And you can really forgive all those terrible things I did, and said?”  
“Yes,” Danny whispered. “Because I understand. And because I love you, Dad.”

His father tightened his hold, and for a long moment, he was silent. His voice was weak and shaky when he spoke again. 

“And I love you, my son. With all my heart. I always have, and I always will.”

They remained like that for a long moment more before they slowly let go and stepped away from each other. Danny’s father wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, but he nodded at his son with a hesitant and embarrassed smile. 

And then none of the three knew what to say or do, and they stood there in silence, unable to look at each other. 

Finally, Danny’s mother took a deep breath and exhaled on a long sigh. 

“And here I thought that something terrible had happened between you and Russell when you came in,” she said with a small smile.  
Danny smiled back at her and shook his head. “The worst argument we had so far was because he’s obsessed with cleaning the place and I forgot to put a pair of socks into the laundry basket.”  
“Oh dear,” she replied with a small chuckle. “But yes, small things are often much more annoying than the big ones.” 

She gave her husband a pointed look, but smiled fondly nonetheless. Danny lifted his eyebrows.

“She worked several months until she had me trained well enough to remember using a coaster for my cups,” his father replied after clearing his throat. 

Danny snorted softly under his breath and looked at his mother again who shrugged with a smile. Then she looked back and forth between her son and her husband. 

“Coffee, anyone?”

When both men nodded she smiled and headed for the kitchen while Danny and his father went into the living room. 

Danny stopped to look at the wall to the left of the door, the one with all the pictures on it. There were a few family pictures, old ones of the families of his parents, and in the case of his mother, her siblings as well. He had to smile, looking at the old picture of his mother, his aunt Laura and his uncle Ed. 

On every family picture and school picture there is always that one kid making a stupid, silly face. Looking at this picture, Ed definitely was one of those.

Then there was a wedding picture of his parents, and a baby picture of him directly below that. Nothing pointed at all the years that had passed between these two events, nothing apart from the slight fading of the colour of his father’s hair on the wedding picture and the picture of him holding his baby son. 

There were baby pictures of Danny, toddler pictures and pictures of him as a gap-toothed schoolchild, the one with his first bicycle and the birthday that he would never forget: the one where he had gotten his drum kit. Seeing himself as a gangly young teenager grinning like an idiot while standing next to the drum kit made Danny shake his head with a wistful smile. It seemed a lifetime ago, and it had only been eight years. 

The last picture of him was the one of his high school graduation. He was grinning like an idiot again, flanked by his smiling parents, and he looked like an idiot as well because he had refused to shave after his laborious attempts of growing a beard. He hadn’t gotten very far, but he still hadn’t wanted to shave so he wouldn’t have to start all over again. The things you do...

“It’s not that we didn’t want any more pictures,” his father said as he stepped beside him. “But we didn’t have any, and you really didn’t seem to want any.”  
Danny shrugged with a soft huff of breath. “I didn’t. But... you know... do you want one?”

“We should put one up there of you and Russell,” his mother said as she entered the living room carrying a tray with three cups and a plate of cookies.

Danny turned around with a mildly confused frown. “Seriously?”  
“Of course.” His mother put the tray down onto the coffee table and smiled at him. “Why wouldn’t we want a picture of our son and his fiancée?”  
Rubbing a hand across the back of his neck, Danny gave his mother a crooked little smile. “I’m sorry, I think I haven’t gotten completely used to that yet...”  
“To be perfectly honest?” His mother stepped towards him and took one of his hands. “We haven’t, either. But we will get there. Russell is a lovely and handsome young man, and you are a lovely couple.”

Danny stared at her for a moment before he attempted to smile.

“I know,” his mother said with a sigh and patted his hand. “But he makes you happy. And there is no denying that you work so very well together. Don’t think we didn’t notice how he was there for you when Nana died.”  
“And believe it or not,” his father went on. “After the funeral, even Aunt Hillary said that for a boyfriend, you could have done worse.”  
“Wow.” Danny lifted one eyebrow.  
“Yes. It’s a leap for that ugly old hag.”  
“Roger.”  
“What? It’s true.”

Danny snorted. His uncles and aunts on the paternal side weren’t technically aunts and uncles but cousins of his father, but since his father didn’t have siblings he had called them that as a child and no one had corrected him. And Aunt Hillary was the classical old spinster aunt; an unmarried, elderly lady with a grumpy face and a bitter attitude who usually didn’t have a good word for anyone or anything. 

“Well, Russell did make a good first impression on the family,” his mother said. “And to be honest, I have to admit that I was worried he’d show up there in jeans and a flannel shirt.”  
“You know, the suit and the car were actually his dad’s and he only borrowed them.”  
“But he did,” his mother replied. “And so the family was presented with a handsome young man who was very suitably and neatly dressed.”  
“And I guess more than one of them wondered what he sees in a grunge like me.”  
“Not that anyone said it.” Dorothy sighed.  
“But they were thinking it.”  
“Possibly,” his father replied.

Danny looked at the wall again and stared at the baby pictures. “Did you never want any pictures of Oliver up there?” He asked. “Though I guess it just hurt too much.”

Both his parents were silent for a moment.

“We thought about it very often,” his mother finally said. “And yes, it would have hurt, but mostly we did it so we could shield your young heart from the pain. It was wrong to do that, but...” She shrugged.  
“I understand,” Danny said. “But... will you do it now? Or will it simply hurt too much?”  
“We could,” his father said and looked at the wall as well. “But we simply do not have any pictures of him that we would want to have up there. The only pictures we have are of him in the incubator with tubes and cables all over him, and the few times one of us could hold him, he still had tubes and cables all over him.”

Danny could understand that those were not pictures you would want to put on a wall. But still, he felt something was missing there, but his parents felt it as well. Then he looked at his father again.

“Do you have those pictures digitally? I think... I think I want one too.”  
His mother blinked slowly. “Do you?”  
“He’s my brother, isn’t he?” Danny sighed. “I never met him, but he is my brother.”  
“I have them on a flash drive and on a CD,” his father replied. “Hang on.”

He left and headed upstairs, and when he came back he was carrying the small cardboard box again. He handed Danny the stack of pictures, and Danny leafed through them until he had two that he wanted. One was of Oliver in the incubator, lying on his belly, and the other was a family picture, with his mother sitting in a chair and his father standing behind her. Oliver was cradled in her arms, covered in tubes and cables, but they were both still smiling.

“When that picture was taken there was still hope,” his mother said softly. “He was a week old at that point.”

Danny sat down and looked at the photograph of Oliver in the incubator. “Is that Dad?” He asked, pointing at the man standing next to it, of whom you could only see a part of the abdomen and the arms.  
“Yes,” his mother replied, sitting down next to him.  
“God, he’s tiny,” Danny whispered. “Shit...”  
“Yes,” she said again, her voice a bit unsteady. “He was.”

“I’ll email those to you,” Danny’s father said as he took the pictures Danny held out to him. He put them into the box and closed it again. 

They spent some time drinking coffee, and then Danny’s mother asked about Russell. Danny told her he had dropped him off here and had headed on to Godden Crescent, and that he would pick him up again when they went home. She invited them both to dinner, and after a check with Russell on the phone, they agreed. 

Russell talked very little that evening as he could obviously feel the different, mildly awkward atmosphere, but they had a pleasant dinner nonetheless.

Once back home again, Danny immediately headed for the desk and opened his laptop. 

“Russ?”  
Russell closed the fridge and put his coke down on the dinner table as he walked over. “Yes?”  
“Can I show you a picture?”  
“Sure,” Russell replied hesitantly. 

Russell looked at the two pictures for a very long time as he listened to Danny talk about them and his parents, and the fact that they didn’t have any pictures of his brother to put on their wall. 

“I have an idea,” he said then. “Email them to me, will you?”  
“What kind of idea?” Danny asked him as he opened his mail programme again.  
“Maybe we can give your parents a picture to put on the wall,” Russell replied. “Because I know someone who could help with that.”

Later that evening, he sent those two pictures to Christine. There was no telling what she would be able to do, but maybe it would be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know how tiny a preemie is when born at 32 weeks look [ here.](http://www.lilaussieprems.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/5.jpg) (Normal pregnancy is 40 weeks)


	9. Chapter 9

It was a relief to Danny that he still had another week on the maternity ward, so he wouldn’t have to end his time here on a very bad note. And although he had to admit he would miss this place and the staff, he was more than looking forward to the next week when he would start in the ER. Still, he felt a bit sad as he said goodbye to Shirley on Friday afternoon. 

Russell came home a bit later than expected, and he was carrying two large, brown cardboard envelopes.

“Hey,” he said to Danny as he put one envelope onto the table. “I got something for you.”  
Danny closed his book and took the envelope. “What is it?”  
“The pictures,” Russell replied. “Christine mailed them back yesterday and I sent them to Mount Eden Studio to have them printed. I just picked them up.”

Danny took a deep breath as he reached for the envelope and another one before opening it. He stared at them for a long time with burning eyes. 

“She’s a magician,” he said eventually.  
“She’s brilliant,” Russell confirmed. “I mean, I knew she was good, Dad showed me a few things she made, but this is magic.”

After blinking a few times Danny looked up at him. “Thanks,” he said softly. “They’re amazing.”  
“I didn’t do anything,” Russell replied and sat down next to him. “I just had the idea.”  
“An idea I didn’t have,” Danny said and looked at the pictures. “They’re... they’re amazing.”

Then Russell took another picture out of the second envelope. It was a picture of the two of them, and they were smiling happily at the camera.

“Emma took that one,” Russell said with a smile. “I asked her if she happened to have one to see if we would need a studio appointment, but I think this one’s great.”  
Looking at it, Danny had to smile. “Two dorks in love,” he said with a chuckle.  
“Very much so,” Russell replied and slung both arms around Danny’s neck. 

After they parted, Russell nudged Danny’s temple with his forehead. “I guess you’re going to Meadowbank again tomorrow?”  
Danny nodded. “Definitely. And I think this time you should come along. This was your idea, after all.”  
“Did you tell them?”  
“My parents?” Danny shook his head. “No. I didn’t want to get their hopes up for nothing.”  
“Good thinking.” Russell smiled. “Though I think that as wonderful a surprise as this will be, it will probably hurt as well.”  
“It will,” Danny said simply. “But it will make them happy more than it will make them sad.”

“And you,” Russell said then, leaning a bit closer. “You got the blues about leaving the maternity ward?”  
Danny frowned at him for a moment before he shrugged. “A bit. I mean, delivering babies is awesome, it’s... it’s amazing, to see that new life. But it’s not what a paramedic normally does, so that’s that.”  
“No more babies and no more baby pictures.” Russell grinned at him.  
“Nope.” Danny leaned closer. “Need to put a damper on those procreation urges.”  
“Hormones are a terrible thing,” Russell said, his breath already grazing Danny’s lips.  
“Awful,” Danny replied with a smile. 

Somewhat later they relocated into the bedroom to make use of those hormones and get rid of them again.

* * *

They had a late start the next day and spent most of the morning in bed with coffee, and first got up for lunch. Then they showered and did some grooming before getting dressed. 

Standing side by side in front of the mirror they grinned at each other’s reflection while they shaved.

“I’ll never get over that, I think,” Russell said as he rinsed his razor.  
“About what?” Danny turned his head to inspect his left cheek.  
“Your equipment,” Russell replied and drew the razor up his neck and chin.  
“What’s wrong with my razor?”

Russell paused and shook his head. He had a fancy and expensive high-end razor with replaceable heads where the blades were behind safety bars, because he wanted a clean shave. Danny on the other hand was using an old-fashioned straight razor that looked more like a murder weapon than anything Russell would have willingly applied to his face. 

“It looks...” Russell started on his cheek. “It kind of looks scary.”  
Danny inspected his right cheek and scraped off a tiny bit more with the tip of the razor. “I have everything under control.”  
“Yeah...” Russell looked at his cheek and rinsed the razor again. “Since I saw you with a razor cut only once I guess you do. But why?”  
“Why what?” Danny turned his head left and right a few times to check the symmetry.  
“Why use that thing and not a normal razor?”

Danny chuckled and did a few more tiny scrapes on his left cheek. “It’s easier to keep the shape of the beard. More precise.” Then he grinned at Russell in the mirror. “But I started because it’s cool.”  
“Cool?” Russell froze and slowly turned his head.  
“Like, everyone can use a stupid fancy thing like that,” Danny said and gestured at Russell’s razor with his own. “And for some reason I felt I had to go hardcore when shaving.”

Russell very slowly shook his head and looked at the mirror again. Danny was cautiously scraping at a few hairs on his throat. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that,” he muttered. “It kind of freaks me out.”  
“I practised,” Danny said with a grin. “It’s all cool.”  
“I can’t imagine why anyone would risk slicing up his own face just to be cool,” Russell said and shook his head again.  
“You don’t start on your face,” Danny said and gave himself a few more critical looks. “You start with a balloon.”

Russell snorted so hard that a few tiny dabs of shaving cream landed on the mirror. 

“Seriously,” Danny said with a grin. “You blow up a balloon and cover that in shaving cream. And once you manage to shave the balloon without popping it, you’re ready. Although...” Danny was satisfied and rinsed his razor under the tap. “You do that in the shower. I had to learn that the hard way.”  
Russell gave him a confused look.  
Danny shrugged, still grinning. “You have no idea what a mess a balloon covered in shaving cream makes when it pops,” he said. “My mum went mental and I had to clean the whole bathroom for like an hour.”

Russell doubled over and almost dropped the razor, and had to stop for a moment so he could calm down again. He was still chuckling when he lifted his razor again for the final touches. 

After they had stowed their gear away Danny reached out and ran two fingers down Russell’s cheek.

“Smooth,” he said with a wink.  
“Yeah, well...” Russell shrugged. “I can’t stand hair on my face. I mean, I tried, but I didn’t like the rugged look of stubble and it really itches like fuck. I’m not cut out for facial hair.”  
Danny grinned. “But you sure like facial hair on someone else, don’t you?”  
Russell stepped closer with a smile. “Yes, maybe that’s weird. I can’t stand hair on my own face, but kissing a guy with a beard is a total turn-on.”

Danny rested his hands on Russell’s hips. “Guys in general or only one guy in particular?”  
“You know,” Russell said and slung his arms around Danny’s neck, crossing his hands at the back of his head. “There’s this one particular guy whose beard is a terrible turn-on.”  
“Really?” Danny leaned forward and brushed his goatee across Russell’s cheek. 

Freshly washed and towelled dry it was extra fluffy and Russell shuddered with a heavy sigh. 

“Want to do some kissing?” Danny muttered into Russell’s ear while using the goatee to best effects on the skin of Russell’s neck.

Russell didn’t reply and tugged at the towel Danny had wrapped around his hips so it fell to the ground. They relocated into the bedroom again shortly afterwards.

* * *

Dorothy had a batch of her vanilla butter cookies ready when they showed up in Meadowbank, much to their delight, and she quickly made more coffee while Russ and Danny got rid of their coats and footwear. 

“Okay, so...” Danny said and took one of the envelopes that Russell handed him. “I got something for you.”

His mother came over with a smile and took it. In it was the picture of Russell and Danny, and her eyes and smile widened in honest delight. 

“That is beautiful,” she said brightly. “Roger, look!”  
Danny’s father nodded with his version of a smile.  
“It’s lovely,” Dorothy said again. “I can’t wait to put it up there!” 

She hurried into the living room and Russell, Danny and Danny’s father followed her. For now she put the picture onto the sideboard, leaning it against the wall, and pointed at the spot where it would go. 

Danny and Russell exchanged a long look before Russell handed Danny the other envelope. 

“And... Mum, Dad...” Danny licked his lips. 

His parents both looked at him with their smiles vanishing. His mother stepped closer.

“Okay, so...” Danny began hesitantly. “You know, the pictures you gave me, the ones of Oliver?”  
His mother nodded.  
“I was thinking... that you said you didn’t have any pictures to put on the wall, and I totally get it, why you wouldn’t want to have them there. But then Russell had an idea. You see...” Danny opened the envelope. “Emma’s mum is a Photoshop magician, and he sent the pictures to her. And I think... I think they turned out nice. So if you want...” He took a deep breath and handed his mother the pictures.

She took them with trembling hands and looked at the first one, the one of all three of them. 

The hospital room with all the equipment and machinery was gone, replaced by a dark background that looked exactly like one a photo studio would use. There were no more tubes and cables. Just a baby. Even the hospital logo on the blanket was gone. It was just a family picture, the only difference being that the baby was so very small. 

Dorothy looked at the picture, her eyes filling with tears. Russell and Danny exchanged another look and Russell took a step back, and then another, until he had left the living room, while Danny’s father now stepped to his wife’s side. 

“Roger, look,” she said softly. “Isn’t this amazing?”  
“It is,” he replied in a low voice. 

Then Danny held out the other picture to his mother. She handed the first one to her husband before she took it. The moment she looked at it, her eyes spilled over.

The incubator was gone, and the man in the background as well. The tubes and cables were gone too, and there was just a sleeping baby on a blanket. Christine had also adjusted the skin tone a bit so he looked a healthy soft pink, and his hair was a bit fuzzier. It was just a sweet, sleeping baby. 

“Hello, my darling,” Dorothy whispered thickly and touched the baby’s cheek with a trembling finger. 

Next to her, Roger had put the first picture down onto the sideboard and stepped closer to her again. He draped one arm around her shoulder and pulled her close as they both looked down at the picture. 

It was when he noticed the tear trickling into his father’s beard that Danny turned away, because he felt they needed this moment to themselves, and because he was unable to look at his father like that. He found Russell in the dining area staring out of the window, and he stepped close and slung both arms around him. Russell turned around and they embraced for a long moment. 

When Dorothy emerged from the living room somewhat later she was wiping her eyes with a crumpled tissue, and she walked up to the two with a heartbreaking smile. 

“Thank you,” she said to Russell, her voice a little husky. “Thank you so much.”  
“I didn’t really do anything,” Russell replied in a low voice. “I just had the idea.”  
“But without that idea it wouldn’t have happened,” she replied and stepped closer. More tears broke free from her eyes. “You have no idea what this means to us,” she whispered, trying to suppress a sob, and opened her arms.  
Russell closed his arms around her without hesitation. “I think I do,” he said softly. “And I’m glad I had the right idea.”

They embraced for a moment before Dorothy stepped back to embrace her son. Behind them, Danny’s father had made his way to the kitchen where he was now heftily blowing his nose a few times. 

A strange silence, thoughtful yet emotional, settled over the coffee table after they had all sat down. Dorothy poured coffee and the platter with the cookies made its round, but no one spoke. 

Eventually Danny put his cup down and inhaled deeply, letting his breath escape again in a sigh. “Mum?”  
“Yes?”  
“I have... I have to ask something.”  
Danny’s mother folded her arms onto the table. “Yes?”  
“It’s because... it’s about Oliver,” he said and hesitantly looked up at her. “His... his grave.”  
Dorothy blinked a few times and then calmly met his eyes. “What about it?”  
“You said it’s in Wellington, isn’t it?”  
“Yes.” She looked at her husband and back at Danny. “We buried him with your grandparents.”  
“Yes, you said so. And you... you’ve never been there again. But do you think... will you ever go there again?”  
“Honestly?” Dorothy shook her head. “I don’t know. Just thinking about it hurts more than I can say.” She swallowed hard. “Maybe one day. But I don’t know.”

Danny nodded and stared at his plate.

“Why?” She asked gently.  
“Because...” He looked up again. “Because I think I do. I want to go there.”

After a moment, his mother nodded, even though she was blinking rapidly. 

“I mean,” Danny went on. “I mean, he’s my brother, but I wasn’t there when he died. I just... I don’t know why, but I feel I have to go there.”  
“I won’t stop you or try and dissuade you from going,” his mother replied.  
Danny heaved a heavy sigh. “See... I remembered... all those years. You know how kids have invisible pets, or invisible friends?”  
She nodded.  
“See, I had an invisible older brother. Never a friend, never anything or anyone else. It was always an older brother. Maybe I...” He swallowed and took his mother’s hand because she had lost the fight against her tears again. “Maybe even I felt that there was someone who should be there but wasn’t.”  
“You always wanted a brother,” she replied softly. “You had a hard time accepting that you would never have one.”

Danny gave her a sad smile. “But I do, right? I do have a brother. He is dead, but that doesn’t mean he’s not my brother anymore.”

His mother nodded and smiled while wiping her eyes. Then Danny looked up at his father, even though it was hard to watch him fight his own tears.

“Can you show me where it is, on a map?”  
His father nodded. “I can do that. It’s a small family graveside in the northern part.”

Danny nodded as well and let go of his mother’s hands again. 

“When do you think you will go?” Danny’s mother asked after a moment.  
“I kind of don’t want to wait long,” he replied hesitantly. “If I could, I’d go next weekend, but I have to scrape a bit of money together first.”

Danny’s parents exchanged a single look before the both looked at their son again. 

“We pay for the ticket,” his mother said. “It’s not a fortune, and you will only have to stay one night, won’t you?”  
“Mum...”  
“Daniel...” She took one of his hands in both of hers. “It’s the least we can do after all this.” 

“I think I can find the bucks to get a ticket as well,” Russell said with a smile.  
Danny’s head flew up and he stared at him.  
“What?” Russell took Danny’s other hand. “You think I let you go there alone?”  
“But... you said you’ll never want to go to Karori again...”

Russell sighed and shrugged. “No.” 

Then he looked at Dorothy who was looking at him with equal parts confusion and concern. 

“My mother is buried at Karori,” he explained. “And it’s... it’s a long story. And with that I don’t mean I don’t want to talk about it, but that it really is a long story. To cut that long story short, and I know this sounds cruel, but that my mother died of cancer when I was five was the best that could have happened to me, because otherwise I would have grown up with a severely mentally ill mother and a violent, abusive stepfather. So no, I really don’t want to go to Karori again, but this isn’t about me. It’s about Danny. So... it’s not me who’s going to Karori but Danny, and I won’t let him go there alone.”

Danny’s parents looked at him in deep dismay and mild shock. 

“I had no idea,” Dorothy whispered. “Oh god, Russell... that is terrible.”  
Russell shrugged. “I know,” he said. “And I know it sounds cruel when I just say it like that.”

Danny’s mother sighed and shook her head. For her, a woman who had wanted to have children and had gone through hell to have at least one, it was unimaginable how anyone could act violently and abusive towards their own child. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, and as such a young child,” she said softly.  
“We all have our burdens to bear,” Russell said with a small, wistful smile. “I learned to cope with it. I went to therapy for years, and I still have a counsellor I can talk to anytime I need to. Yes, so I got my issues. Danny knows all about them though, and he has always had my back from the very beginning, and he still has. And it’s just beyond all question that I have his back now and I won’t let him go there alone.”

Dorothy wiped her eyes and looked back and forth between the two. 

“Bless you,” she said to Russell. “And Russell, I am so sorry it took me so long to realise.”  
“Realise what?” Russell asked with a smile.  
“How perfect you are for each other,” she replied. “The longer I know you, the less I am in any doubt that there is no one better for my darling boy, my only son.” Then she reached out and took one of Russell’s hands. “I know true love when I see it.”

Russell cleared his throat and didn’t quite know where to look. Then he felt Danny drape an arm around him, and he rested his head on Danny’s shoulder.

“So,” he said after Dorothy had let go of his hand again. “I ask my dad if he can lend me some money, because I’m not letting him go alone.”  
She smiled at him. “I shouldn’t be surprised, really. But you will do nothing of the sort. We will pay for the ticket.”  
“But...”  
“If you go with our son as moral and emotional support then it’s the least we can do.”  
“And that’s the last we will hear of it,” Roger said and took a cookie. “Could you pass the coffee, please?”

Conversation was slow at first, until Dorothy asked Russell about his work. Small anecdotes about Allan and Henry thoroughly lightened the atmosphere, and the story about tuning the drum kit had Dorothy in stitches. Even Danny’s father was grinning. It was a sorely needed relief.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a moment further down in this chapter where you might want to have a tissue at hand.

Danny’s first week in the ER had him a bit overwhelmed, and he came home every day absolutely shattered. More than once, Russell came home to find him on the bed, flat on his back with the towel still around his hips and fast asleep. 

Russell did most of the housework that week, and hoped that once Danny had gotten used to the stress and chaos in the ER it would get better. He didn’t want to think about what it would mean if he couldn’t, but he told himself several times a day that he was being overanxious and that Danny had a lock on that. 

By the end of the week Danny had seen victims of car accidents, stupid household accidents that could have been avoided with just a moment of thinking, some people who had work-related accidents like crushed feet or hands, and one person with burns on her face due to failure of a pressure cooker. 

Thinking about all that made Russell kind of sickish even though Danny kept talking about his work to a minimum. He didn’t talk about any injuries at all because he knew that Russell was very sensitive regarding anything to do with bodily fluids, and blood was even worse.

There had been one incident where Russell had cut himself while making dinner. It had been an unlucky slip of the knife that had sliced into the pad of his thumb which had bled profusely, and Danny had been forced to play paramedic already then and there because Russell had been about to pass out. They had moved the first aid supplies into the kitchen after that for faster access. 

Danny had asked Russell several times that week if he was really sure that he wanted to go to Karori, but Russell told him to stop asking stupid questions. Of course he wasn’t looking forward to it, and he said as much, but Danny wasn’t going there alone. End of discussion. 

Take-off was Saturday morning, and they got off the plane in Wellington shortly after noon, on a day that was cool and grey and threatened with rain without actually delivering it. They would head back home again Sunday at noon and had booked the night in a hostel. 

While Russell hadn’t been afraid, he was tense during the flight. He had never loved flying, but most of his memories of planes were of thirty plus hours long-haul nightmares. Plus the instance where he had gone to Wellington and back of course, and a Wellington-Auckland flight one-way when he had been five. Danny had taken his hand shortly after take-off however, and they spent the time talking about Russell’s work and their plans or just leaning against each other. 

They checked in at the hostel and sorted their stuff before they left again, and after finding a place to get some food they looked through public transport info while they had their coffee. It was about twenty minutes on the bus, and after a short walk from the bus stop they were standing at the gates of Karori cemetery. 

“I thought I’d never come here again,” Russell said and took Danny’s hand.  
“You really didn’t have to,” Danny replied and closed his fingers around Russell’s, clutching the three pink tulips he had bought on their way to the bus in the other.  
“Like fuck I did,” Russell said. “Let’s go.”

Danny looked at his phone and the location marker on the map, and hand in hand they headed past the rows of graves.

“It should be here somewhere,” Danny said slowly and slipped his phone back into his pocket. 

He and Russell had a look around; they were in the older part of the cemetery and a lot of these gravesites were enclosed in concrete walls that were cracked and mossy. 

“Russ?” 

Russell looked up and found Danny next to a gravesite under a large tree. He took his hands out of his pockets and walked to his side. This gravesite was enclosed in a very low wall with a forged-iron fence on top, and it was open to the front. It was well kept, and there were flowers in front of a large tombstone with the names Jonathan Barnett and Cynthia Barnett, plus the dates of their births and deaths. And in the far right corner was another stone, one that looked like a small, polished boulder. It was white marble and had a single word engraved into it: Oliver.

Danny took a slow, hesitant step forward and went down into a crouch. 

“Hey Ollie,” he said in a low voice. “I’m your little brother. But... you probably know that, right?” 

Danny stared at the stone while Russell took a small step back to give him some privacy.

“So...” Danny said to the gravestone as he put his tulips down in front of it. “Mum and Dad say hi. They... they’re sorry they never came to visit you but... it just hurts them too much. And I’m sorry I’ve never been here before either, but it wasn’t... it was only a few months ago that I found out you existed. It’s weird, really. I mean... all through my childhood I wanted a brother, and I always had an imaginary older brother to play with. It’s as if back then even I felt that there was something missing. Or someone. That there was someone who should be there but wasn’t.”

He paused and swallowed. After a heavy sigh, he went on. 

“Being an only child kind of sucks, you know? I mean, sometimes it’s cool, because you don’t have to share. But it was also lonely and boring sometimes, because I wanted siblings and couldn’t have any. I mean I played with Mum sometimes, but a parent just doesn’t cut it with most things. Like... I don’t know. But maybe I’m just glorifying things. We would’ve been at each other’s throat often enough, I guess.”

Danny paused again and shook his head. 

“Fact is, and I know this sounds weird, but I missed you. I mean, I didn’t miss you as such, because I had no idea about you, but I missed you in a sense that you should’ve been there. And... I think my life would have been a lot easier if you had been there. You see... I was a preemie too, and for a time I was even worse off than you, but somehow I made it. And because Mum almost lost me they had to do a hysterectomy and so... she wouldn’t have another baby. So it was just me. And when I started to grow up it was kind of... hard. For all of us. Because I didn’t want to be what they wanted me to be. And things went into some sort of lockdown from there.”

Danny sighed again and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. 

“If you had been there I’m sure there wouldn’t have been so many arguments. Or... I’d like to think that. I’d like to think that with you there, I wouldn’t have had to fight for being who I wanted to be, because Mum and Dad wouldn’t have been so fixated on me and everything I did. And I’d like to think you would’ve been on my side. At least sometimes. But... you weren’t there. And because of you, and because they almost lost me as well, they got clingy and wanted to... they couldn’t let me go. And I did stuff... I mean, I didn’t do stupid stuff, really stupid stuff. I got drunk, and I did dope cookies a few times, but I never got into trouble. And I always took care I was good in school and all that. But I listen to music that makes my parent’s toenails curl, and I dress like that, too, and they nagged me about my music and my looks and my hair until my ears were bleeding.”

For a moment, Danny dropped his head back and stared into the canopy of the tree that overshadowed the gravesite. 

“But the worst bit was when I came out to them,” he went on after looking at the stone again. “I’m bi, and that their only son wasn’t even straight was the final straw. I don’t think Dad and I ever yelled at each other like that. I mean, seriously, as if anyone cares who I go to bed with. But he never got over the fact I don’t want his business, and I basically had become everything they couldn’t stand. And all that... you know, I like to think that all that wouldn’t have happened, or would never have been as bad, if you had been there.”

Danny took a deep breath and shook his head again. 

“I was totally shocked when they finally told me about you. And hurt. Because at first I thought I was only a replacement for you. But we... we talked, and we got it together. Finally. It was actually your birthday that made them realise how bad things had become, and how unhappy I was, because I really tried at that point to be how they wanted me to be. Cut my hair and everything. And then there was your birthday, and they remembered you, and that they almost lost me, and that they wanted me to be happy and... it was all very tearful, to be honest. It all hurt. But in the end it turned out okay again. I mean, we’re still not... not as close as other families are, probably... but I remembered that they are my mum and dad and that I love them. And they’re working really hard now, you know?”

He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear.

“That I wasn’t straight really threw them off,” he said. “It wasn’t the first time I told them I’m bi, but the first time they just didn’t want to believe me and told me I’m confused. Then I met Russell and he... he changed everything. I had two boyfriends before, but because I was scared, it didn’t last long. But Russ... he changed me. I wasn’t afraid of myself anymore. I didn’t want him to be a dirty little secret, and it really... it was bad. But in the end, they got over themselves because they wanted to. We’re still not really at the stage where it doesn’t make a difference, but their son being with another guy doesn’t make them freak out anymore. And Russ... he’s adorable, you know? And I think after she got over the shock, Mum has taken a shine to him. So... it’s okay. Maybe it could be better, but it was so much worse before that I can’t really complain. So...” He hesitated. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this, but I just... I want you to know that there’s always been a hole in our family, and now I realise why. There was someone who should’ve been there.”

Danny stared at the stone for a long moment. 

“We all miss you, you know?” His voice was unsteady and rough. “Mum and Dad are still hurting like hell, and I miss you too, because I knew you should’ve been there, even if as a kid I didn’t know what was wrong... but I could feel it. But I just... you should’ve been there. Life would have been better with you. For all of us. And it’s just not fair... it’s just not fair that you never got a real chance at life. We all miss you, and... but I said it before, I know. It’s just... it’s not fair. It hurts. You should be here, Ollie. You should be here, and you should be my Best Man at my wedding. But you’re not here, and it’s not fair, and I... I miss you, Ollie.”

He fell silent and wiped his face again. Then he slowly got up. 

“Bye Ollie,” he said, his voice rough. “Say hi to Nana for me. And Grandpa Paul. And Grandpa Jonathan and  
Grandma Cynthia too, though I never met them either. Bye.”

He turned away from the grave and Russell swallowed, wiped his eyes and fought his tears with all his strength, for Danny’s sake who walked up to him and fell into his embrace. Russell closed his arms around him while Danny buried his face into Russell’s shoulder.

They wordlessly held on for a while, with Danny’s arms clamped around Russell’s chest while the latter was running a hand up and down Danny’s back, caressing his hair with the other. 

When Danny was able to let go again he stepped back and wiped his eyes with a weak attempt at a smile, and Russell dug into a pocket to hand him a pack of tissues that Danny took with a nod. He dried his eyes and thoroughly blew his nose a few times, then he slipped the used tissues into a pocket and handed the packet back. Russell took it and reached out with a smile to pluck a piece of tissue lint out of Danny’s moustache.

“Why do you keep doing that?” Danny wiped a thumb across his moustache.  
“Because I don’t want you to run around with a piece of lint in your beard?”  
“You could just tell me, you know.” Danny tried to smile, with a little more success. “Next thing you lick your thumb to wipe something off my face.”  
“Come on,” Russell said with a snort while rolling his eyes. “Seriously.”

They looked at each other for a moment, then suddenly Russell licked his thumb and pretended to wipe Danny’s face. Danny jumped back and swatted the hand away, and then they both had to chuckle.

They took each other’s hand and entwined their fingers, and slowly walked back towards the entrance. 

As they walked, they were more or less unaware of and not really interested in their surroundings. They nodded in greeting at an elderly man and a younger woman who had her arm slipped through his. He was carrying flowers and so was she. Further along they passed an elderly lady with a Zimmer frame. It was still and silent, and even though the day was grey and cool there were a few birds singing in the trees. 

Their path now met with another one in a Y-shaped crossroad, and across the other path was a middle-aged man bending over a grave to pull out some weeds.

“Russ?”  
“Hmm?”  
“Is your mother buried around here somewhere?”  
“Yes.” Russell shrugged. “But I said everything to her that I needed to say. I don’t exactly have fond memories of her so... no, I don’t want to stop by and say hello, you know.”  
“Sure. I was just curious.”

Russell turned around and then narrowed his eyes. “See that small monument? It’s right... opposite...” His voice petered out into a whisper and Danny spun around. 

The middle aged man bent over the single grave right opposite the small monument had straightened up and stared at them with wide eyes. 

“Oh shit,” Danny whispered under his breath and with narrowing eyes, as the man walked up to them with hesitant steps.

He could feel Russell tense even though they weren’t touching anymore. 

The man had a buzz cut and stubble was covering his face, and he had the bag-eyed, pasty-coloured complexion of a man with an alcohol problem. 

“Russell?” He asked in a rough voice that bespoke of far too many cigarettes a day. 

Russell was frozen. Danny looked at him, and at his pale face and wide eyes. He looked like a deer in the headlights, but he was twitching as if he was fighting the urge to run away. 

“Oh shit,” Danny whispered again, but his voice was dark as he turned towards the man again who was Russell’s former stepfather. Of all the shit-ass unlucky things that could have happened today it had to be them running into the nightmare of Russell’s childhood. 

“Russell, is that really you?” He stepped closer again. “Do you remember? It’s me. Kevin.”  
“By the way he’s spiralling into a panic attack just by seeing you I guess he does,” Danny snarled and stepped forward in front of Russell while squaring his shoulders. “What do you want?”  
“There’s no reason to talk to me like that,” Kevin replied with narrowing eyes. “I didn’t do anything!”

Danny leaned a little forward. He was gritting his teeth so hard his cheekbones were protruding. 

“Didn’t do anything?” He said, his voice sharp and low. “Didn’t fucking do anything? You are the fucking reason why he still has nightmares fifteen fucking years after he got away from you! He’s got scars that’ll last a lifetime because you pathetic fucker...”  
“Now will you...”  
“You pathetic fucker beat the crap out of a kid half your size for years!” 

Danny curled his fists and took another step forward. He was a kind and gentle soul and, while somewhat shy at times, still solid as a rock. But now he looked as if he was ready to explode into Kevin’s face. He wasn’t a hunk of muscle but he was broader in the shoulders than Russell was, and the fact that he was wearing solid combat boots and a heavy black leather coat gave him the air of someone you didn’t fuck with.

“You sorry shithead are the reason an incredibly talented musician struggles with his self-esteem because you humiliated him for years! You are the fucking reason the most wonderful man I know has issues trusting himself and others, and constantly keeps falling into pits of feeling worthless and a burden to everyone around him! And all because you worthless little turd took out your frustration on him about your shitty life! He was a fucking kid and didn’t have anything to do with your sorry fuck-ups!!”

Kevin took a small step back, but Danny followed him into his personal space before he could say anything.

“I can’t bear thinking about what kind of man he would be today without you,” Danny snarled in a voice that had a razor-sharp edge to it. “Or what kind of man he would be if he had grown up with you and learned that this is the way a man is supposed to be, and that this is the way a father is supposed to be. It makes me want to puke.”

Then Danny took a step back. 

“But sure, you didn’t do anything,” he scoffed. “And I’m not even surprised you still think that you didn’t do anything wrong back then. And that his mother died is the best that could have happened to him...”  
“That’s enough!” Kevin took a step forward now, his eyes blazing with anger. “Shut the fuck up, whoever you think you are!”

“Or else?” Danny snapped back. “You beat the crap out of me even if I’m not half your size? As if you dare to touch me, you pathetic fucker, because I’m not scared of you! And you won’t have me whining in a corner when you raise your hand, as Russell was when he was five fucking years old! So I’ll say it again, you fuckstick: That his mother died was the best thing that could have happened to him so he got rid of you, you pathetic asshole! And because you were so poisoned by your so-called masculinity that you shaved his head so he wouldn’t look like a girl you’d have beaten him half to death if he had come out as gay to you! You fucker should’ve stayed a wank stain in your daddy’s trousers and the world would be a better place!”

Kevin’s face went white and he curled his fists while stepping forward. Danny squared his shoulders with a snarl when a hand touched his arm, and he looked at Russell who shook his head.

“He’s not worth it,” Russell said calmly. There was no trace of panic in his eyes anymore, even if his voice was a bit unsteady. “You don’t want a criminal record and lose your dream because of him. He’s not worth it.”  
Danny took deep breath and his shoulders relaxed while his hands uncurled. “You’re right,” he said, his voice low. “He’s a worthless piece of shit.”

Then Danny took Russell’s hand again. “He shouldn’t be breathing the same air as you,” he said, cast Kevin one last ice-cold look and turned away. 

Their hands clasped firmly together they walked away but stopped when Kevin called out to them again.

“Russell! Russ, I’m sorry!”

Russell snorted out a mirthless chuckle and turned around again. He calmly looked at Kevin for a moment, and then, with a slightly shaky hand, he very slowly and pointedly flipped him off. Without a word he turned away again and he and Danny headed for the gates.


	11. Chapter 11

Russell was reluctant to go to bed that night, afraid of a nightmare while in a four-bed dorm, and after lying awake for a while he left the bed and tiptoed out of the room. Danny hadn’t been able to sleep either, for the same reason, and when he heard Russell leave the room he climbed down the ladder as silently as he could, grabbed his sweatpants and left as well. The other two inhabitants of the room kept on snoring peacefully. 

Danny found Russell upstairs in the lounge. He hadn’t switched on the lights and stood there in the darkness at a window, staring out at the dark street below them with crossed arms. Danny cautiously stepped up to him and closed his arms around him from behind. Russell leaned against him with a sigh. 

“I want him gone,” Russell whispered. “I want him fucking gone out of my head. He’s been fucking with my mind for fifteen years now.”  
“I know.” Danny gently nuzzled his ear. “But something happened today I thought I’d never see.”  
“And that was?”   
“I thought after running into him we’d be in for the panic attack of the century,” Danny said. “And here you suddenly worked your way out of that completely on your own. You were totally calm, suddenly. Like he... like he totally didn’t matter. Not anymore.”

Russell was silent for a long moment. 

“I didn’t even... you’re right.” He exhaled softly. “It was... it was when I saw how he reacted when you went at him. How pathetic he was. And yes, I was afraid of him, but then I realised... not anymore. I’m not afraid of him anymore. He’s not worth it.”  
“But you’re still worried about a nightmare.”  
“Yes.” Russell sighed. “Because I kind of... I’m worried that this triggered something in my subconscious mind somewhere. I gotta talk to Helen as soon as I can next week.”  
“You definitely should. But I think... I’m actually pretty sure, now, that meeting him was something good. I think you... I think you can... um...”  
“Heal a bit more?” Russell offered with a smile. “Maybe. Probably. Actually... I think if he really doesn’t fuck with my mind anymore, or at least not as much, I will. There’s going to be a lot of issues that’ll get better.”  
“One can only hope.”

They stood there for a long time watching the cars race past below the window. A group of clearly drunk young men staggered past and kicked street lamps. A few unmotivated raindrops pattered against the windowpane. 

“I remember...” Russell whispered. “Back when... Cornell. After the concert.”  
“What about him?” Danny asked softly.   
“How I felt... when he came at me. I was afraid but then... I was still flying, you know... and I couldn’t be bothered to be scared of him. I felt too good.”  
“I remember.” Danny kissed his temple. “I thought you’d spiral down and the evening and everything would be ruined. But you didn’t.”  
“I never felt that way before,” Russell went on, still whispering. “I felt as if I could take on the world. And it felt... I don’t even know how to describe it. It felt...” He huffed out a frustrated sigh. “It felt as if... as if something was gone. Like... like a weight.”

“You know,” Danny said after a small pause. “I thought the same. I always felt... since you came back from Norway. You had changed, and I thought... I always thought it was because what happened had forced you to... grow up, or something... like... mature faster. You were still almost a boy when you left, but you came back as a man... fuck...” He cleared his throat. “That’s the worst, trite cliché ever...”  
Russell chuckled. “But it’s true.”  
“Not completely.” Danny bit his lips before he continued. “Because after the concert there was... there was... something was back. Something that had been there before Norway. Something in your eyes... something that was part of why I was so smitten with you instantly after we met. And I hadn’t even realised that it was gone... not until it was back.”

“And is that why you were so clingy afterwards? I thought you were on the same high as I was.”  
“I was.” Danny nuzzled his temple again. “But I was also... To see that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain but... it was like... you were so... alive. Like you were soaring. Like you were meant to be. It’s like... you were...” He broke off with an angry sigh. “Fuck... I’m not making any sense, am I?”  
“I think I understand,” Russell replied. “I did feel alive. As alive as I hadn’t felt in a long time... and I hadn’t realised it either. It felt so good.”  
“And after that, you were... more like before. And I realised that...” Danny faltered for a moment. “That... that growing up too fast had had nothing to do with it. But that... now it was back. And you were... it was...”  
“Danny...” 

Russell slipped out of his embrace and turned around to face him. Danny slung his arms around him again and Russell rested his hands on Danny’s shoulders. 

“It’s okay,” he said. “I understand. I know what you mean, because I remember how it felt. I know things changed afterwards.”  
“For the better.”

Then Russell bit his lips. “And... if that happens again now?”  
“What?” A small frown formed on Danny’s face.  
“Now. After today. When another bit of... of that old load is gone. I’ll change again.”  
“So?” Danny leaned forward and nudged Russell’s forehead with his own. “Why are you even worried about that? Russell, please...”  
“Will that change anything?”  
“Between us?”  
“Yes.”

Danny looked up again. “Maybe.”   
Russell visibly kept himself from biting his lips. “And what will happen?”  
“Do you really think things will turn bad between us because you can get rid of... the weight of bad memories?” Danny smiled. “What will happen? Seriously, Russ...” Then he lifted one hand and ran his fingers through Russell’s hair. “The same that happened last time.”  
A questioning look in his eyes, Russell tried to smile.  
Danny leaned forward until their lips almost touched. “I’ll fall in love with you all over again,” he whispered and kissed him. 

Russell slung his arms around Danny’s neck and they kissed, gently and softly and passionately at the same time. In the end they relocated to one of the sofas and spent the remainder of the night in a tight embrace. They first got up and left the lounge when the first member of staff showed up and opened reception.

* * *

They were back in Auckland shortly after noon, but since they hadn’t slept the night and didn’t feel like dealing with public transport Russell called his father to ask for a lift. 

Of course, the words ‘we didn’t sleep properly last night’ together with the knowledge that they had been in Wellington and Karori had Anders so worried it was palpable when Russell and Danny got into the car. 

He cast a look into the rear view mirror as he left the airport. “Straight home, I assume? You look tired as fuck.”

Russell and Danny exchanged a look. 

“Could we invite ourselves over for a coffee?” Russell asked with a smile that visibly put his father at ease.  
“Anytime,” Anders replied with a smile of his own. “Should we stop at the store for a few nibbles?”  
“Only if you want to.”

So Anders stopped at the store and told Russell and Danny to get some doughnuts or a cake, and after that they headed to Godden Crescent. 

Seona had known as well that they had been to Wellington and also why, and she fiercely hugged her boys after they had taken off shoes and coats. And after everyone had been equipped with tea, coffee and a snack they settled down around the dinner table. 

“So, how did it go?” Seona asked, straightforward as always.  
“Good,” Russell replied slowly. “Or as good as it gets given the circumstances.”

Everyone looked at Danny who shrugged. 

“I just...” He sighed. “I mean, it still hurts, but I do feel better now.”  
“You got the closure you need, then?” Anders asked cautiously.  
“Yes.” Danny clutched his cup. “It feels... as I said. It feels better. Still hurts, but... in a different way.”  
“I guess the whole family will be able to... I don’t know.” Anders sighed. “I never lost anyone I loved, so... but I could imagine you can all heal a bit.”  
“I guess so too.” Danny sighed again. 

In the silence that followed everyone was lost in their own thoughts for a moment until Anders cleared his throat.

“Russ,” he began hesitantly. “Did you... did you see your mother’s grave?”

Russell looked up very slowly. Anders met his eyes, and his face went a little pale.

“Fuck,” he whispered tonelessly. “You ran into Kevin.”

Seona inhaled sharply, and Anders didn’t take his eyes off his son.

“We did,” Russell eventually said in a low voice. 

Now Anders looked at Danny.

“He’s a pathetic fucker,” Danny said. “He was all like: ‘Ooh, Russ, do you remember me my boy’, and Russ was already on his way into lockdown at that point. I told him to go fuck himself.”  
Anders lifted both eyebrows. “Seriously?”  
“Seriously.” Danny’s voice was dark. “I mean, what was he to do? That pathetic turd stinking of alcohol and smoke... I mean I get why Russell was afraid of him as a kid, and I get why he’s still scared of him. But I’m not scared of that piece of shit and I told him what I think of him and what he did to Russ.”

After clearing his throat, Anders looked back and forth between Danny and his son. “And...” He nervously licked his lips. “What did he do?”  
“What a guy of that sort does,” Danny replied, still almost scowling. “He realised he can’t scare me so he backed off with his tail between his legs.”  
“And Russell?” Worry and concern were clear in Anders’ voice.

Now Russell and Danny exchanged a look, and the hesitant smile on Russell’s face smoothened out the line on Danny’s forehead.

“I thought we were in for the panic attack of the century,” Danny said and took Russell’s hand. “But he...” He looked at Russell who firmly closed his fingers around Danny’s. “He made it out.”  
“Out?” Anders was more than confused.

“Dad...” Russell bit his lips. “I don’t really know how to explain it... I mean, Danny was right, I thought I’d piss myself when I saw him. But then... then Danny went at him like he did and he wasn’t scared, and then I could see...” He shrugged. “I could see what he really is. A pathetic piece of shit. The moment it was clear Danny wasn’t afraid of him he couldn’t stand his ground anymore. And I realised... I realised I wasn’t afraid of him anymore.”

For a long, silent moment Anders looked back and forth between the two again and then at their joined hands. Then he wordlessly got up, walked around the table and gestured at Danny to get up as well. The moment the latter did so, Anders had his arms around him. Danny was frozen for a moment, then he relaxed again and closed his arms around Anders in turn. 

“Danny...” Anders said and stepped back again. “I had no idea it was possible for me to love you any more.”  
Danny cleared his throat and had no idea where to look.   
“I mean it.” He rested both hands on Danny’s shoulders. “You’re the best that could have happened to my son, and I’m so happy for him, and for both of you, I can’t even say.” Then he looked at Russell. “Come here,” he said gently.

Russell got up as well, and he let his father hug him for a long moment before Anders let him go again. 

Once they had all settled down again, it was Seona who broke the silence.

“So, you still didn’t set a date, did you?”

Russell and Danny exchanged a smile.

“You know,” Danny said then. “I get where you’re coming from, and I don’t mean to back out, but I don’t really see what a piece of paper and a common surname is going to change between us.”  
“Nothing and everything,” Anders said firmly. “Believe me, you’d be surprised.”

Anders and Seona exchanged a look, together with a very soft and affectionate smile. It made Russell and Danny close their fingers around each other’s again.

“I can’t even explain it,” Seona went on. “But it does change something. Not what we feel for each other, but what we feel about each other, if that makes sense.”  
“I think it does,” Russell replied with a small smile. “But the thing is... I mean, I don’t want a huge event, but I’d really like to have a bit of a party and invite some friends, and we just can’t afford that anytime soon.”

Anders very slowly shook his head. “Russell,” he said after a sigh. “You don’t honestly think the Johnson Clan will settle for anything less than the wedding to end all weddings?”  
“Dad...” Russell said with a chuckle.  
“Do you think Auntie Dawn will let you get married without a tie and a rose in your buttonhole?”  
“She’d better,” Russell said quickly. “I mean, I’m not going in jeans and a hoodie, but a reception with a hundred people, a champagne fountain and caviar on blinis is the last thing we want.”  
“I see we’re in for a battle then.” Anders rested his hands on the table before him.  
“We?” Russell asked, his eyebrows drawing together.  
“You and me,” Anders replied. “And Danny. I’m with you on the blinis, these things are vile and caviar makes them even worse. But your Auntie and Christine have already cracked their knuckles and I fear stopping them is going to be a challenge.”

“Challenge accepted,” Russell said.  
“Maybe we should elope and get married in Christchurch,” Danny added with a little fatalistic sigh.  
“That wouldn’t solve the problem,” Anders said with a shrug. “She’d still organise a reception the moment she finds out.”

Russell buried his face in his hands and Danny draped an arm around his shoulders.

“Come on,” he said. “Either way, it’s not going to happen anytime soon, and in the meantime we can try dropping hints.”  
“Dropping hints won’t do any good,” Russell replied.

“We’ll deal with that when we have to,” Anders said resolutely and got up. “More coffee anyone?”

Russell and Danny stayed for dinner, but Anders gave them a lift home soon after because the weekend had been exhausting and they both needed to get up early the next morning. 

“Still looking forward to putting a ring on you,” Russell said as he snuggled closer to Danny after crawling under his blanket.  
“With or without a rose in the buttonhole?”  
“I’m not fussy.” Russell bedded his head on Danny’s shoulder. “Though I can’t really see you with a rose in your buttonhole. Probably because I can’t imagine you in anything that has a buttonhole in the first place.”  
Danny snorted softly under his breath and kissed Russell’s temple. “Good night, Russ.”  
“Night, Danny.”

Russell woke up that night after a nightmare, but neither did he wake up screaming nor was he reduced to a shivering, whimpering mess afterwards. Danny curled up around him and pulled Russell’s back as tightly against his chest as he could, and he forced himself to stay awake until he was sure Russell had fallen asleep again.


	12. Chapter 12

Russell called Helen during his first coffee break and asked for an appointment before explaining why he needed it asap. Helen promised to get back to him as soon as she could and Russell went back to his coffee. 

Since he had to coordinate his appointments with his job he had to give Allan and Henry an update on his situation and what had happened during the weekend, but his bosses showed nothing but concern about his well-being. Not that Russell had expected them to be angry, but the amount of understanding and care they had for him was still surprising sometimes. 

Helen called him back later that day and said she could see him the very next day since someone had just cancelled an appointment. When Russell brought that up with his bosses, Henry told him to say yes and that they would figure it out. 

Still, Russell felt bad. He had already lost quite a few hours due to appointments with his therapist, and he wasn’t paid by working hours but per calendar month. He offered to come in on one of his scheduled free Saturdays, but Allan and Henry would hear nothing of it. 

“You’re the most diligent and hardworking sales assistant we ever had,” Allan said to him with a smile.  
“And you’re doing more work in your hours than anyone before you anyway,” Henry added. “You love this job, and you take it serious, and you’re not just buggering off to go skiving somewhere in Albert Park.”  
Russell shook his head. “I’d rather do a million other things than run to my therapist all the bloody time.”  
“Exactly.” Allan took off his glasses to wipe them with a corner of his shirt. “The thing is...” he held them against the light and squinted at the glass before he put them on again. “If you would need some sort of PT for... a broken ankle or something, no one would say a thing either, right?”

Henry glanced at his partner for a moment before he looked back at Russell. “Just because it’s an invisible injury doesn’t mean it’s not serious,” he said surprisingly gravely. 

Russell looked up at him, and found no smile on Henry’s face.

”See,” Henry said as Allan sat down as well after casting a quick peek through the doorframe into the shop. “We just know.”  
“It’s not something we throw into everyone’s face,” Allan said. “But you know how that is. I’m bi-polar, and I’ve been taking meds for decades.”

“Oh,” Russell replied, because he had no idea what else to say.   
“Yes, and thank god for those meds,” Henry muttered under his breath.   
“And the real trouble is that people do not understand,” Allan went on. “People said to me: But you seem fine! You get everything done you have to and then some! And in truth, sometimes it was so bad Henry was about to tie me down. And when it was the other extreme they kept telling me I was always overdoing it and should need to learn to take breaks.”  
“It was... difficult,” Henry said heavily.

Then the two looked at each other, and Russell could see a warmth appear in both their eyes that made him suppress a sigh. It was obvious that the two had been through very hard times together, but had made it through. Together. He remembered what Danny had said about relationship goals when he had told him about the two for the first time, and right now it was truer than ever. 

The doorbell in the shop announced a customer, but Russell quickly got up and gestured at the two to remain seated. 

“I’ll get that,” he said, and as he left he could see from the corner of his eyes how Henry took both of Allan’s hands between his own.

* * *

Since the appointment Russell could have was at ten thirty in the morning, Danny couldn’t accompany him and Russell had to go alone. Not that he was afraid to do so, but he always felt better with Danny as a back-up, especially on the way home. 

He gave Helen a more detailed account of what had happened, and after that he was clutching a half-empty cup of coffee as he looked at her making notes. 

“Tell me about the nightmare you had Sunday night,” she said after putting down her notebook.

“I don’t know why, but it wasn’t that bad,” Russell replied and cleared his throat. “Compared to what I experienced before, I mean. It was just me trying to hide from Kevin who kept yelling my name. And the yelling got louder and louder and I was just trying to hide, and then I wanted to run away but I was stuck. I couldn’t get out. And the yelling got louder and closer and I couldn’t run away. And trying to free myself I woke up while almost falling out of the bed.”

Helen nodded thoughtfully as she looked at him. “You told me about very similar dreams, but that was a long time ago. Do you remember?”  
“I do,” Russell said and forced himself to look up at her. “But back then it was terrifying.”  
“And he always found you, didn’t he?”

Russell nodded. He remembered his first therapy sessions with Helen far more clearly than he would have liked. Talking to a stranger about nightmares as a teenager had felt awfully humiliating at first, but for some reason the nightmares and flashbacks had gotten worse when the hormonal rollercoaster of puberty had set in. And in the end, the thought of waking up screaming during a sleepover with friends had been a big enough deterrent for him to finally give in to his father’s urging about seeing a therapist. 

Of course, when he discovered that it was actually helping he stopped being recalcitrant about it. 

“So this time, he didn’t find you?” Helen asked him.  
“No.” Russell put the cup down because the coffee had gone cold on him. “But I woke up because I was struggling so hard to get out, and I think without it he would have.”  
“But he didn’t, so the struggling wasn’t in vain.”

Russell was confused. “I don’t understand.”  
“All the times before you just hid,” Helen explained. “You talked about holes, or gaps between furniture, that special place in your room back then between the bookshelf and the wall. You hid in places you couldn’t escape from so there was no other way out. But this time you didn’t crawl further in, you struggled to get out. And it was that struggling that woke you before he could find you.”

Biting his lips, Russell stared at his hands. 

“Russell, I’d like to do another exercise with you,” Helen said after a moment. “Do you feel strong enough for that today?”  
Taking a deep breath, Russell nodded. “I’m still a bit confused, but I’ll try.”  
“I’m sure this will make it all clearer.”

She got up and drew the curtains, and when she sat down again Russell had already closed his eyes, breathing deeply and evenly. He knew the drill, and while these exercises usually caused initial stress, in the long run they were an enormous help. But they were also the reason he always felt better when someone was here with him, because he could be really unbalanced and vulnerable right afterwards. But if push came to shove he could always rely on his dad. 

Helen sat down again on the opposite sofa and waited for Russell’s breathing to calm even more.

“Remember your dream,” Helen said, her voice slow and gentle. “Look at it. What do you see?”

Since Russell had done exercises like this countless times before, it didn’t take him long to summon the memories and make them clear enough so he could look at them like a picture. 

“It’s my room,” he said. “My room in Wellington.”  
“And where were you hiding? In your corner?”  
“Yes.”  
“I want you to go there.”

So Russell walked past the bed and the bookshelf. The blue, wobbly old shelf that had toppled over more than once, and Mum just kept telling Kevin he should take a few screws and fix it to the wall so it wouldn’t fall over all the time, and Kevin always said yes, and he never did it, but Russell was happy he never did, because he would have shoved the shelf right up against the other wall and there wouldn’t have been a gap between the bookshelf and the wall in the corner of the room anymore.

“Russell. Breathe slowly.”

Helen’s voice was like a hand that shook him awake, not a violent shake but a gentle nudge. 

“Do you see anything out of the usual?”

Russell looked around. He felt uncomfortable, as always when he had to do this, but something wasn’t right. Something was off.

“Something is wrong. But I don’t know what it is...”  
“Wrong, or different?”  
“I don’t know...”  
“Look around.”

Russell looked again, and then it suddenly hit him, so hard that his eyes flew open. His heart was racing like mad. 

“Russell?” Helen’s voice was sharp with concern and she immediately got up to sit down next to him. 

“I’m okay,” Russell replied and forced himself to breathe slowly. In through the mouth, out through the nose, then in through the nose, out through the mouth. 

“Very good,” Helen said. “Very good, Russell.”

The breathing exercise calmed him down, but his hands were still a bit shaky when he opened his eyes again. 

“What did you see? What was so different this time?”  
Russell looked at her with a confused frown. “The furniture. It was... small.”  
“Small?”  
“Yes.” Russell brushed a few strands of hair out of his face. “Always... all the time, the bookshelf was up to my chest. But this time it was hardly as high as my hips.”  
“So are you sure the furniture was smaller?”  
“What?” Russell’s confusion got worse.   
“Are you sure the furniture was smaller?” Helen asked again. “Or is it possible that you were taller?”

Russell stared straight ahead with a dry throat. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “Was I?”  
“Since furniture usually doesn’t shrink, but children grow up, I guess that is what happened,” Helen replied. 

For a long moment, Russell had no idea what to think.

“Russell,” Helen said then. “Do you think you can go back? Or do you need to take a break and do it next time?”

A part of him wanted that break desperately, wanted to run home and bury into the bed and not come out again before Danny came home. But there was another part that wanted to pull this through. After a moment, Russell inhaled as deeply as he could and nodded.

“I’ll give it a try.”  
“Just one more time,” Helen said. “I think we’re on to something.”

That was a feeling that Russell shared, and so he closed his eyes and focussed on breathing. And when he had managed to summon back the memories, he realised that Helen had been right. For the first time after so many years he was seeing the room with the eyes of a grown man. 

“You were right,” he said slowly. “I’m not a little boy.”  
“Not anymore, no.” 

Helen made a long pause. 

“Now go to your corner.”

Russell did so. 

“Crawl inside.”

And this was the point where Russell finally understood. 

“I can’t,” he whispered. “I don’t fit in there anymore.”  
“But you have been in there, in your dream Sunday night.”  
“Yes, but...”  
“But?”

Russell slowly opened his eyes, to discover his vision was blurry. He blinked and the tears broke free and trickled down his cheeks. 

“I don’t fit in there anymore,” he whispered hoarsely. “That’s why I was stuck. I don’t fit in there anymore.”

Helen gave him the time he needed to recuperate, and since she always had a box of Kleenex on the table, Russell could wipe his eyes and blow his nose until he was somewhat clearer in the head. 

“Russell,” she said then. “Think back to all the times Kevin pulled you out of that gap.”

Russell swallowed and nodded, and after another deep breath, he closed his eyes again. 

“He is calling your name,” Helen said slowly. “And he is coming for you. Can you hear him?”

Russell nodded. 

“Before you, the gap, is it still too small?”  
“Yes,” Russell whispered. “I don’t fit in there.”  
“Can you see him?”

Russell could see him. Kevin entered the room, that terrifying furious snarl on his face. 

“Russell?”

Kevin was no longer towering over him. Russell could clearly see his face. 

“What is he doing?”  
“He’s looking at me...”  
“Just looking?”

Kevin was there, but he was only looking. He didn’t talk, he didn’t yell. And he didn’t even try to touch him. 

“Russell? What is he doing?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Nothing is happening?”  
“No.  
“Is there something you’d like to happen?”

Russell opened his eyes again and wiped the back of his hands across his cheeks. “I want him to fuck off and leave me alone.”  
“Then tell him.”  
“What?”  
“Tell him to leave you alone,” Helen said again. 

So Russell closed his eyes again and looked at Kevin’s face.

_Leave me alone_ , he thought. _Just leave me alone._

“Tell him,” Helen said again.

This time he said it out loud. “Leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone!” 

Kevin didn’t move, and Russell wanted him gone.

“Leave me alone! Just leave me the fuck alone! Fuck off, do you hear me?” Suddenly he was screaming without being aware of it. “Fuck off!! Fuck off and leave me alone!”

Suddenly Kevin didn’t look anymore like Russell remembered him. Instead, he saw the baggy-eyed, pasty-faced man he had met in Karori, and he looked at Russell with the same insecurity that he had shown when being confronted with a furious Danny. 

“Fuck off!” He screamed. “I’m not scared of you anymore! Fuck off and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!”

Kevin took a step back, and Russell broke down. The image vanished, and he was shaking with sobs so hard that he was close to hyperventilating. Helen however took one of his hands and placed the other firmly between his shoulders, and with professional efficiency brought him back from the brink of a meltdown. 

Still, Russell felt absolutely shattered after another handful of Kleenex had ended up in the bin. 

Eventually, Helen gave him a critical look. “Russell, who can you call at this time of day to pick you up?”  
Russell fumbled around in his pocket for his phone. “My dad,” he said, his voice rough and still thick from crying.  
“Then you should call him.”

Russell nodded and dialled his father’s number. A bit more than ten minutes later, Anders was already there. 

“Now Russell,” Helen said as they were about to leave. “He will come back, maybe even a few times. But you know what to do.”

Russell nodded and managed to give her a small, if tired, smile as they left. Anders was silent until they had settled down in the car and Russell had called his bosses to explain why he wouldn’t come back that day.

“And what the everliving fuck was that about?”  
“I... I need a break,” Russell said heavily. “And a coffee. But it’s... it’s okay. It’s a good thing.”  
“A good thing?” Anders cast him a quick glance before looking at the road again. “You know that better than me of course, but it’s kind of hard to believe.”  
“It is,” Russell said again. “Just... coffee first.”  
“Of course,” Anders replied gently. “I’m sorry. Take your time. Queen’s Street or Godden Crescent?”  
“Godden Crescent,” Russell replied. “I don’t want to be alone.”  
“You don’t honestly think I would drop you off there and then leave you?”

Russell stared ahead for a moment.

“No,” he said in a small voice. Of course not. Sorry, Dad.”  
“It’s okay.” Anders switched lanes to take a left turn at the next crossroad. “I’ll make you coffee, you put up your feet.”  
“Thank you, Dad.”

As promised, Anders parked Russell on the sofa with a blanket, equipped him with coffee and a bag of Jet Planes, and then sat down next to him with his own coffee to wait for Russell to be able to talk. 

“I can see why you’re saying it’s a good thing,” Anders said after Russell had finished. “But it triggered the fuck out of you.”  
“I know.” Russell closed his eyes and buried into the blanket.   
“It’s torn a few wounds open,” Anders went on, very gently. “But of the sort that can finally heal now.”  
“Yes,” Russell muttered and clutched the blanket even tighter. “But I’m afraid that we’re not going to get much sleep tonight.”

Anders moved a little closer and brushed a few curls from Russell’s face. “Do you want me to stay?”  
Russell blinked a few times in confusion and then looked at him. “Stay?”  
“Yes.” Anders gave him a wistful smile. “I can sleep on the sofa if needs be.”  
“But... but why would you?”  
“I don’t know.” Anders shrugged and tucked a lose curl behind Russell’s ear. “I just thought I’d offer. I don’t know, maybe it might make you feel better if I’m here as well?”

Russell thought about the offer for a while, but then he smiled and slipped his hand out from under the blanket to take Anders’. 

“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you so much, but I think Danny and me will be okay.”  
“I don’t doubt that in the slightest,” Anders said, still smiling. “He’s the best that ever happened to you.”

In the light of what had happened today and the memories that were suddenly painfully vivid in his mind, Russell didn’t let go of his father’s hand when Anders tried to get up. 

“Yes,” Russell whispered. “And no. Yes, he’s the best that could have happened. It couldn’t be any better, and he couldn’t be any more perfect. But the best that ever happened to me is...” He swallowed hard. “Is you.”  
Anders inhaled slowly and leaned a little forward. “Russ?”  
“You,” Russell said, and he didn’t fight the tears that were burning in his eyes. “You are the best that ever happened to me. Because without you I’d still be in Wellington. Without you, I’d have spent my entire life under his yoke; I don’t want to think about what would have become of me. And I would never have met Danny if you hadn’t taken me to Auckland.”

Anders dug the heel of his hand in one eye, then the other, and then opened his arms. Russell immediately dropped the blanket and fell into his embrace, then he slung his arms around his father and started to cry. 

“I don’t want to think about it,” he said between sobs. “But I can’t stop. I don’t... I don’t want to think about it. He shaved my head so I wouldn’t look like a girl... he’d have beaten me half to death if I had come out to him... Dad...”  
Anders held him as tightly as he could. “It’s okay,” he whispered into Russell’s hair. “You’re here with me, with all of us, and you’re going to marry the man you love, and I couldn’t love him any more. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to stop thinking about it. Think about... think about how to prevent your auntie Dawn from ordering a champagne fountain for your wedding.”

It had the desired effect and Russell could actually smile at the thought. He eventually let go of his father to curl up in his blanket again, and Anders headed for the kitchen. 

“I’m going to make you two a dinner,” he said. “And I don’t want you to bother with anything else but going to bed or resting on the sofa after dinner, because I will come back tomorrow morning and give the kitchen a wipe.”  
“Dad...”  
“Not open to discussion.”

Anders fixed up a casserole of potatoes and vegetables and some chicken that he found in the freezer, and when Danny came home and had taken a shower, he let him in on what happened over a cup of coffee. 

Danny looked at him in silence for a long moment before he put his cup down with a sigh. “Thank you,” he said then, got up and relocated to the sofa. 

Satisfied with the sight of Russell being safe in Danny’s embrace Anders put the casserole into the oven, switched it on and then bid the two a goodnight.

“Oh, and Danny?” he said as he was about to leave.  
“Hmm?”  
“Don’t hesitate to call. No matter when. If things go tits up and you need back-up, I’ll come.”  
“Thank you,” Danny said again. “You’re the best.”

Anders smiled and left, and Russell buried into Danny’s embrace after the door had closed.

“He’s the best,” Russell whispered.  
“He’s awesome,” Danny replied. And after a moment, he added: “Do you want to talk?”  
“Yes,” Russell said after a sigh. “But you gotta promise me something first.”  
A puzzled frown on his face, Danny leaned back and nodded.  
Russell met his eyes. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about this because I went with you to Karori.”  
Danny took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay.” 

Russell reached out and caressed Danny’s cheek with a smile. Then he sank into his embrace, and after Danny had closed his arms around him, he began to talk. He told him every detail of his dream, and how he and Helen had worked with it and what the outcome had been. Danny listened while gently combing his fingers through Russell’s curls, and once Russell had fallen silent, Danny nuzzled his temple. 

“I see why this is a good thing,” he said after a moment. “And I thought that running into the turd would be nothing but catastrophic.”  
“I thought so too.” Russell sighed. “I mean, I was thinking about it. I was worried it might happen, back then when I visited my mother’s grave, and I was worried this time too. But I thought, you know, what are the odds?” He sighed again.  
“Yeah, fuck that.” Danny combed his fingers through Russell’s hair again. “But turned out you’re stronger than you thought.”  
“Than we both thought, I guess.” Russell found Danny’s other hand with his own and entwined their fingers. 

Danny dropped a kiss onto Russell’s temple and shifted his position. “It would be awesome if he would really get out of your head,” he said in a very low voice. “But I don’t think it’s really going to happen, is it?”  
“I don’t know.” Russell closed his eyes and snuggled closer. “Maybe not completely. But he can’t drag me around anymore in those dreams. I’m not a little boy anymore.”  
“No, you’re not.” Danny let go of Russell’s hand and caressed Russell’s cheek before he nudged his chin upward so he could kiss him. 

Russell dreamed of Kevin that night, but it wasn’t a nightmare; it was more confusing than anything else. Kevin wasn’t yelling and he wasn’t trying to hurt him, but Russell couldn’t quite get rid of him no matter where he went and how fast he was trying to run. He felt uncomfortable when he woke up but not afraid. 

Listening to Danny’s deep and even breathing Russell wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. He had dreamed of his stepfather, and it hadn’t been a nightmare. For the first time in his life he had dreamt of him without waking up in fear or terror. 

After a moment, Russell curled up again with his blanket and listened. Danny was still sleeping, the house was silent, but there were always cars and people around outside. He could hear the siren of an ambulance blare in the distance, which made him think of the time Danny wouldn’t be sleeping at his side anymore every night. Quite often, when he had been struggling with his issues, his memories, and his fears the thought had worried him, but now he realised there was no need for that. Not anymore. 

He had dealt with and gotten over what had happened in Norway the first time and what had happened on his way home the second time. But he had never dared to hope he would ever be able to get rid of these nightmares that rooted in fears too deeply ingrained to ever vanish. And maybe they wouldn’t. But his subconscious mind seemed to have finally realised that he wasn’t a little boy anymore, and that it was truly over. Kevin would never be able to hurt him again, even if he wanted to. 

Maybe he would never truly be free of him completely, but Russell knew, deep down, that he would never wake up screaming from a nightmare, ever again.

Something snapped in him at that moment, and he tried not to cry and buried as deeply under his blanket as he could, but of course Danny woke up. He wordlessly untangled Russell out of his blanket cocoon and curled up around him, and Russell could only bury into his embrace. Eventually they both fell asleep again in a tight embrace, and Russell slept dreamless for the rest of the night, or without any dreams he could remember.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look what the amazing Lucife57 did for me! Isn’t it amazing! [My baby....](https://68.media.tumblr.com/58125be19379ecbccdb09ebf9dfe9bea/tumblr_oqmucglwN51uoz1ngo1_r1_1280.jpg)

Since everything had gone so much better than he had been able to imagine, Russell was back at work the next day without feeling the need to rest more than a single night. He was also in an exceptionally good mood. He gave Alan and Henry an update during their lunch break, and the two were so happy for him that they ordered him to take Saturday off and do something nice with his boyfriend. They didn’t take no as an answer.

Russell was grinning from ear to ear when he came home and couldn’t wait to tell Danny the good news, but he found Danny asleep again. And this time, the towel had dislodged itself in the process of him laying down or maybe turning around. Russell took a deep breath and exhaled it in a very long huff of breath.

By now he was so familiar with Danny’s body he knew every single line and curve by heart, and still he never got tired of watching him, especially like this. He had to adjust his crotch as he stepped into the bedroom.

His first impulse was to tiptoe out again to let him sleep. But then he thought that since it was soon dinner time and he was lying on top of the blanket as well, he had to wake him up soon anyway. With a smile, Russell pulled his T-shirt over his head and quickly got rid of his jeans. As he stepped free of his briefs he was already hard, and he crawled into the bed with his heart beating faster and faster.

Danny emitted a sleepy hum, but his eyes flew open as Russell straddled his hips.

“Hey gorgeous,” Russell whispered.  
“Hey.” Danny arched his back with a sleepy smile. “Sorry for...”  
“Lying there like a gift from the gods?” Russell winked. “Come on.”  
“I wanted to make dinner.”

Russell chuckled and slid down from Danny’s hips, nudged his legs apart with his knees and settled between his thighs.

“Not hungry?” Danny asked while slowly raising his eyebrows.

Russell licked his lips and left Danny in no doubt that right now, it was him who was on the menu. Danny closed his eyes and let his head drop back into the pillow with a moan.

They had sandwiches for a very late dinner that evening.

* * *

Since Beth wasn’t working that particular weekend and Russell had unexpectedly gotten a free day, the band met in the studio already before noon. Everyone had brought a few snacks and baked goods, and after they had made coffee and tea they got comfortable in a circle on the ground. They were just debating if a coffee table next to the sideboard with the kettle would take up too much space when Russell’s phone rang. Russell jumped up and walked towards a window.

“Yes.... ah, Mr Cornell!” He bit his lips. “Yes... yes, okay... Okay... Yes... got it... I’ll check. Thank you! Bye!”

He turned around, and the grin on his face got so wide it looked as if the upper half of his head would fall off. “That was Cornell,” he said, his voice trembling with excitement. “The end of year party.”  
Emma curled her hands into fists. “We’re in?”  
Russell nodded. “We’re in.”

Everyone whooped in joy, and there were a lot of high-fives and fist pumps. Once they had calmed down again, Russell sat down and leaned forward. He was busily checking his phone.

“Right,” he said then. “He emailed me the details. So we’re not prime time, but we’re not the last act either. We’re on at ten thirty.”  
“That’s not too bad,” Matt said. “How long is stage time?”  
“An hour, scheduled.” Russell looked up and shrugged. “One can only hope their time management is better this year.”  
“A whole hour?” Emma looked at him with wide eyes. “Do we have enough songs to cover that?”  
Russell adjusted his position. “I wrote two more so we’ve got eight now. We need to time us. If all else fails, we need to do a cover or two.”

They all got up and put cups and paper plates away, brushed crumbs off shirts and trousers, and went to get their instruments. Danny picked up his drum sticks and twirled them around his fingers while he walked towards his kit.

Beth had really put her nose to the grindstone, and since she was good, she was now on par with the others for the six songs they already had. They did a rehearsal of those and it worked out really well, then Russell handed Matt and Emma some sheets he took out of his backpack.

He couldn’t write scores, but he had found software that translated melodies into scores he could print. So even if the process was a bit tedious – making the melody was easy, but then he had to play it on the piano and record that with his phone, send it via email to himself to open that on the laptop to print it – it worked fine in the end. What he could write were chords and tabs for himself, Beth and Craig, and everyone had to rely on Danny figuring out his part on his own.

Russell picked up his guitar again and arranged his sheets on the music stand. Then he gave the others a demo of the first song. It was English, and it was low, slow and almost haunting, a song about the long, dark, and cold winter nights and the longing for the spring. It was a song that allowed Matt show off what he was capable of, and Emma had a major part in it as well.

“I’m bored,” Danny said after Russell had finished.  
“Ass,” Russell replied and turned around to flip him off.  
Danny grinned back and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Sounds great, though.”  
Russell’s facial expression softened somewhat. “I quite like this one.”  
“It’ll turn out great,” Matt said brightly. “What about the other one?”

Russell put the sheet on his music stand down on his amplifier and looked at the second one.

“This one won’t let you get bored, Danny.” He grinned over his shoulder at his drummer. “It’s a song about valkyries and I need one of you-” he pointed at Emma and Beth “-to help me.”

The two looked at each other and back at Russell.

“Okay, so I sing,” Russell explained. “But the idea is that after every verse, a valkyrie is reciting something, and I thought it would be better if a woman speaks those words.”  
“Makes sense,” Beth said. “Is that one in Norse?”  
“No.” Russell adjusted his guitar strap. “I wanted to, but I thought maybe we shouldn’t overdo it with songs in a language no one can understand.”  
“No one here can understand Rammstein and they’re pretty popular,” Matt replied.  
“Yes, but you can find someone to translate it if you want,” Russell said. “You’d need a university professor for old Norse.”  
“True.” Matt plucked a string. “So no more Norse?”  
“Oh, definitely more Norse.” Russell grinned at him. “But just like a strong spice, used sparsely.”  
“Because you’re a wuss!” Danny supplied grinning from the background.  
Russell turned around and flipped him off with both hands. “I value my taste buds, you know? You can cauterize yours all you want.”

Danny’s reply was the classical comedy punchline rimshot.

Russell turned around rolling his eyes, but he was grinning as broadly as Danny was. After Beth had stopped giggling, he adjusted his guitar again and started playing the first verse.

“And this is where one of you comes in,” he said then. “Just read the sentence.”  
“Which one of us?” Emma asked.  
Russell shrugged. “Who wants to?”  
“How about we both try and then see who sounds better?” Beth suggested.

Everyone agreed, and Russell played the first verse twice more. The first time round it was Emma who read the lines, and the second time it was Beth. It was an unanimous decision that Beth’s voice was far more suited for a valkyrie than Emma’s, and Russell played the whole song now with Beth reading the lines of the valkyrie.

“This is going to be good,” Russell said with a grin. “What do you guys think?”  
“Sounds good so far,” Matt replied. “But you didn’t write a violin part for this, did you?”  
“Not yet,” Russell said slowly. “I wasn’t sure about it. Can you improvise a bit maybe, to see if the violin fits in at all?”  
“I’ll give it a try.” Matt picked up his bow. “Just play it again.”

Russell did so, and Matt listened intensely with closed eyes. Then he asked Russell to do it once more, and tried a few things that were no more than background accompaniments.

“Could work,” Matt said and lowered his violin. “Just not something that sticks out.”  
Russell nodded while moistening his lips with a flick of his tongue. “I think you’re right.”

After another coffee break the strings plugged in their headphones while Emma retreated into the farthest corner to practice her part, and Danny was tasked with getting pizza. After lunch they got together again and did the first trial run of the winter song.

“Ugh, I’m sorry,” Emma said as they had finished. “That sounded awful.”  
“Did I make the melody too complicated?” Russell asked with a worried frown.  
“Nah,” Emma replied with a smile. “I just need to seriously practise this. It’ll be great!”

During their next break they began to discuss songs they could do as covers if their own songs wouldn’t be enough to fill the time slot they had been given.

“I’m actually not sure Aerosmith fits in with the rest of our stuff,” Russell said after clutching his cup.  
“And I think you’re right,” Emma replied. “The question is: what else can we do?”  
Matt adjusted his glasses. “Something more metal, or something more fantasy?”  
“I don’t know.” Russell sighed with a frown. “I like the idea of metal, like a few Metallica covers, but I can’t sing like that.”

The silence was filled with furious thinking.

“Nothing else matters,” Matt said after a moment. “You can sing that.”  
“True.” Russell smiled again. “And we give it a Jormungand twist and take a violin on board.”  
“That’s definitely worth a try.” Then Matt looked at Craig. “Craggers, why don’t you try singing? You’re not half bad at that.”  
“Fuck off.” Craig rolled his eyes. “I’m the bass, I can’t really sing.”  
“Dude, I heard you sing in the shower, you know?” Matt tilted his head.

Craig buried his nose in his cup with glowing ears. “Fuck off,” he muttered into his coffee. “What I do in the shower is my own fucking business.”  
“Which can be quite hazardous in the shower so-”  
“Fuck you.”  
Matt fell silent and took a sip of his coffee.

“But Craig,” Beth began cautiously. “I heard you sing, back then with Oddity. You are good.”

Craig took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but Russell forestalled him.

“Craig, seriously, no one can force you if you don’t want to.” He gave Craig an encouraging smile. “But you did some background vocals and I really like your voice.”

Lowering his cup, Craig looked from one member of the band to the next until he looked at Russell again.

“You’re being serious, aren’t you? You’re the singer, man!”  
“I am main vocals,” Russell replied. “That doesn’t mean I am the only one who sings. Emma gets solos, you and Matt and Emma do background vocals. It all depends on the song, really.”  
After huffing out a breath with puffed cheeks, Craig shook his head and shrugged. “And what are we talking about, exactly? Metallica covers?”

Now Danny twirled one of his drumsticks and threw it up to catch it again between ring and middle finger. “Enter Sandman?” He asked Craig. “What about that?”  
Craig pursed his lips. “Not too much screaming. I could try. If you all think this is a good idea.”  
“If you’re okay with it,” Russell said firmly. “I think it’s a good idea, but I really don’t want to pressure you.”

Nodding slowly, Craig got up and walked over to the corner next to the sideboard. He disposed of his cup in the bin and came back where he stared at Russell’s microphone with a frown.

“Okay,” he said finally. “Let’s try this.”  
“Yes!” Beth stepped beside him and slapped his shoulder. “I know you’re good!”  
“Heh.” Craig looked at her with a wry grin. “Oddity wasn’t something to show off my skills.”  
“No, and they didn’t last long after you left.”

“Hey,” Russell said and got up too. “What exactly is Oddity?”  
“Was.” Craig shook his head, his grin widening. “I can’t even exactly say. I guess the name is all you need.”  
“It was kind of...” Beth began and rubbed the back of her fingers across her lips a few times. “Power ska with a bit of...” She huffed. “Blues, I think you could call it. A bit of hard rock and metal... I don’t even think you could say they had a style.”

The others exchanged puzzled looks while Craig adjusted the microphone.

“Yeah, the name fit like a glove.” He shook his head again. “At first I thought it sounds cool, then we started doing songs and I felt more weirded out than anything. Basically, the singer was running around the stage like a chicken, the guitarists were constantly stoned and the drummer had to replace pieces of his kit after every gig.”

Danny winced.

“And I was standing there like an idiot,” Craig went on. “Just going dun-dun-dun-dun on the same two notes all the fucking time. Yeah, I did vocals too, but mainly because the guy who was supposed to be a singer was trying to...” He looked helplessly at Beth.  
“I don’t know.” Beth shrugged. “It looked as if he couldn’t decide if he wanted to be a Freddy Mercury impersonation or a Steve Tyler one, so he was wearing a onesie suit open at the front to display a jarring mat of body hair from chin to crotch, and he constantly rubbed his dick against the mic stand and screamed like a little girl.”

Craig looked up again and shrugged.

“And how long...” Emma began cautiously.  
“I think three or four months, tops,” Craig replied. “In the beginning it sounded fun and cool, but after a few gigs I realised that the whole thing was fucked up, and the first time someone asked me: ‘Hey, Aren’t you the bassist of that crackpot band of idiots?’ I was out of there.”  
“Reputation ruined,” Danny said with a sympathetic smile.  
“Nah.” Craig smiled back at him. “People kept telling me good on me for leaving, and that I was too good for them.”  
“Which you were,” Beth inserted.  
“Which I am, without wanting to give myself airs.” Craig shrugged with a flick of his head. “So yeah, Oddity is the ‘I was young and stupid’ moment of my career.”

“Right.” Russell grinned and went to get his laptop. “It’s history.”  
“I just hope no one recognises me if these things crop up on YouTube.”  
“With your looks?” Emma chuckled. “I guess that’s wishful thinking.”  
“I had short hair back then, and no beard,” Craig replied. “So there’s hope.”

“Craig with short hair?” Danny tilted his head.  
“Very short hair,” Matt said. “When I met him he had a buzz cut.”  
“A what?” Russell spun around.

Now Craig looked at his feet. “Yeah, that was a shit-ass stupid idea. Can we not talk about this, please?”

“Sure,” Russell said after a second of strained silence. “Sorry, not our business anyway.”

He resolutely put the laptop down onto the sideboard and looked through the web for a instrumental version of Enter Sandman so Craig could try to sing, since they couldn’t do the song themselves yet. When he was successful he plugged a speaker into the laptop and Craig gave it a try.

“I told you he was good,” Beth said after the song was over.  
Russell was staring open-mouthed at his bassist. “Fuck, he is. Craig, why have you been hiding that voice?”  
A fain blush crept onto Craig’s cheekbones. “Oh fuck off,” he muttered.

Since it was already afternoon at that point the band decided to call it a day. After packing up their gear they then stood next to the cars trying to decide how to make use of the rest of the day and where to do so. It was decided that they would have a cookout rather than going out for dinner since they had already ordered pizza for lunch.

“Russ and Danny’s place is better for a cookout,” Matt said and nodded at Russell with a wink. “They got the better kitchen equipment. Then we can go out for a drink. Or we go to Westmere for the cookout and hang out there.”  
“I’m fine either way,” Russell said. “Pub or hanging out after dinner?”  
“Oh, let’s hang out,” Emma said brightly. “We haven’t done that in a while!”  
“Fine!” Matt rubbed his hands. “Tim isn’t home this weekend, so we have the place to ourselves.”  
“Great!” Danny opened the door to his car. “Let’s go!”

* * *

Dinner was lasagne and a large salad, but after everyone had settled down at the table, Matt was still puttering about in the kitchen.

“Mattsen!” Craig called and opened a beer. “Not hungry?”  
“I’m done in a minute!” Matt opened the fridge. “Dessert needs to sit in the fridge for a bit!”  
“Oh!” Beth craned her neck. “That’s what you’ve been doing with the chocolate?”  
“What did you think I’ve been doing?” Matt closed the fridge door and delicately licked a dab of chocolate from his finger. “Have it as starters because I don’t like eating on an empty stomach?” But he winked as he said that.

“Oh come on,” Beth said as Matt sat down. “I didn’t mean it that way!”  
Matt leaned a bit towards her with a smile. “I know,” he said. “It’s just a bad habit.”  
“What is?”  
Matt shrugged. “Making fun of my size and my eating habits myself, so no one else does it.”  
Beth was just reaching out to take Matt’s plate, but now she froze. “Seriously?”

Matt shrugged again, and after rolling her eyes with a heavy sigh Beth put an extra large piece of lasagne on Matt’s plate. Craig looked at his friend for a moment and then deftly changed the subject.

“Hey Russ,” he said with a grin. “Living with someone has really done you good in terms of kitchen socialising.”  
Russell stared at him with a ridiculously confused frown.  
“Like, suddenly you can work together with other people in the kitchen who don’t have the skills of a trained five star chef.”  
“Yes,” Emma added with a cheeky smile. “You’re able to tolerate someone holding the knife in the wrong angle.”  
“Or taking more than twenty seconds to chop an onion,” Matt added.

Russell looked back and forth between the three of them and then at Danny who shovelled some lasagne into his mouth with a shrug, most likely to save himself from having to take a stand in the discussion.

“That bad, was I?” Russell eventually asked.  
“Sometimes, yes.” Emma reached across the table and patted his hand. “That’s why we banned you from cookouts.”  
“But you’re back in grace,” Matt said. “Or in grace at all, as it were.”

After a moment, Russell took his beer with a shrug. “We all learn,” he said and took a sip.  
“And if you really want to keep Russ out of the kitchen make Brussels’ sprouts,” Danny said and speared a piece of tomato in his salad. “Very effective Russell-repellent.”  
“Fucker,” Russell muttered and stuck out his tongue at him.  
“Yes, that’s what you call them,” Danny said with a grin.  
“Fuckers?” Matt asked with a chuckle.  
“Nasty little fuckers,” Danny replied. “I don’t know what those innocent little veggies have ever done to him.”  
“They’re atrocious, is what they did to me,” Russell said. “They taste like a shit sandwich without the sandwich.”

The conversation around the table ground to a halt because Beth got a piece of food down the wrong way while laughing so hard she dropped her cutlery. Matt slapped her back a few times, but she needed a few minutes to calm down again.

After they had made short work of both lasagne and salad it was time for Matt to show off, as he said. And while the others cleared dirty dishes away, he took a large bowl from the fridge and carried it towards the table. Equipped with small bowls and spoons, the others stared at Matt while he began to spoon something chocolaty and fluffy into the bowls.

“Is that chocolate mousse?” Emma asked.  
“Yes,” Matt said proudly. “Homemade from scratch.”  
“Oh my god,” Beth said with wide eyes and grabbed her spoon. “Are you fucking serious?”  
“You saw me making it,” Matt replied.  
“Well, saw...” Beth shrugged with a grin. “I was busy trying not to slice my fingers to shreds while chopping the garlic.”

Then she tried a spoonful, and an absolutely ecstatic moan escaped her as she blissfully closed her eyes. “Oh my god... this is a chocolate orgasm.”  
Emma giggled and tried a spoonful as well. “Oh my god, you’re right!”

Matt looked very pleased with himself, and also a little proud, as he watched his friends devour the chocolate mousse as if it was the last one they would ever get.

When everyone was about to burst at the seams, and the bowl was so empty that what was left wouldn’t have saved a mouse from starving to death, they all fell into the various sofas in the living room. Beth undid the button and the zipper of her jeans with a moan, making the others chuckle.

As soon as Matt had gotten comfortable Emma fell down next to him, and because they had their rituals, Matt lifted his arm and Emma snuggled close. Beth tilted her head.

“Emma is a cuddle monster,” Danny explained.  
“And Matt is the best cuddlee ever,” Emma added.  
“The best what?” Beth asked with a chuckle.  
“Best cuddlee,” Emma said again. “He’s the best to cuddle with. Wanna try?”

Beth lifted her eyebrows. Matt lifted his other arm.

After a moment, Beth got up and sat down next to Matt. She was clearly feeling a bit awkward, but had to discover that Matt was comfortable, in both senses of the word. She closed her eyes and smiled as snuggled up to him.

“Comfy?” Russell asked him.  
“With his arms full of pretty girls?” Craig said with a grin.  
“Even though he’s being cuddled with, not the other way round,” Danny said and leaned back while crossing his legs.

Matt looked down to the left at Beth, then at Emma to the right, and up again at Russell.

“Here I am,” he said. “Matt Clayton, reduced to a bespectacled body pillow.”

But he laughed as loud as everyone else.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My undying thanks to [ scriptmedic ](https://scriptmedic.tumblr.com/) on tumblr who, with her willingness to share her knowledge and help writers, was a tremendous help to this story. If you need medical advice for writing, this is the blog to follow. I am dedicating the character of Dr Keel to her in gratitude. What she says to Danny is almost word for word taken from one of her posts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Possible trigger warnings: Mention of suicide and a death in a traffic accident.**

By the end of the next week, Danny thought he had seen pretty much everything, but it turned out he was wrong. It was on that Thursday that he was confronted with his first suicide, and since the man had tried to hang himself, his face hadn’t been a pretty sight. He had made it into the ER, but it had been too late.

At first Danny had been worried that he would have a hard time getting over the sight of the face, but it didn’t stay with him, not nearly as long or as intense as he had feared. Of course his mind turned briefly to Russ and his suicidal thoughts he had had during their breakup, but they had talked about those at length until the memories had lost their terror.

And then, the very same day early in the afternoon, they had to treat a young boy with a broken arm who had fallen from a swing in the schoolyard. He was lying on the bed with a tear-stained face, doubtlessly in pain and scared by all the hospital equipment and the strangers in blue scrubs.

Danny cast a look over his shoulder at him as he, two nurses, and a doctor were discussing the x-rays on the screen before them. Of course the boy looked miserable and afraid, and his mother was visibly forcing herself to keep calm. She was holding on to his other hand and caressed his forehead and his cheek.

It was a clean, simple break, and the doctor left while the two nurses got everything ready to put the arm in a cast. The boy got even more scared now and his tears were accompanied by soft, heart-breaking whines. He couldn’t be older than six or seven and he didn’t understand even half of what was happening.

Wishing he could somehow distract the scared little boy Danny had a look around, and his eyes fell onto the desk in the corner. There was a plastic cup with an array of pens and pencils, and he took one of those and turned around again. The boy happened to look at him as he stepped closer to the bed, and Danny winked at him and twirled the pencil around his fingers.

He had started practising the moves with pencils back then, but now the pencils of course were too small and short for him after being used to drum sticks for years. He still managed to do the simpler tricks, and his attempts at distracting the boy worked surprisingly well. His eyes as huge as saucers he watched the pencil spin around Danny’s fingers and completely forgot to be scared.

“Keep that up,” one of the nurses muttered to him under her breath, and the boy went through the rest of the treatment with very little complaining.

After everything was done, all that remained was keeping the boy there for a bit for observation, and Danny handed him the pencil with another wink. The boy closed his other hand around the pencil in an iron grip and managed to give Danny a tiny, shy and hesitant smile. His mother smiled at Danny as well, gratitude written all over her face.

“Where on earth did you learn that?” One of the nurses asked him as they left the room.  
“I’m a drummer,” Danny replied with a small grin.  
“Oh.” The other smiled at him. “Do you have a band?”

They had time for a few minutes of chatting in which Danny told them about Jormungand, but then another ambulance came in.

“Cyclist,” one of the paramedics pushing the gurney informed them. “Collision with a pick-up.”

Danny listened to the medical information as he hurried towards the paramedics and the gurney, and while he knew what needed doing he was still thinking furiously about every detail a collision with a car would entail. Quite possibly a fatal accident.

His eyes fell onto the person on the gurney, and his heart stopped.

Red converse shoes, tight blue jeans, and a blue plaid shirt. But when he saw the head, the face being hidden under the oxygen mask, and the mass of blonde curls matted with blood, he felt as if he was about to faint.

“Danny!” One of the nurses elbowed him in the ribs.  
Danny stared at her and tried to remember how to breathe.  
“Danny, do you know that woman?”  
He felt as if he was kicked in the stomach, and quickly shook his head.

How he managed to do it he had no idea, but he somehow got into motion again and do his job. Of course the woman had sustained severe internal injuries as well as a cranio-cerebral injury because she hadn’t been wearing a helmet. Internal bleeding. Brain haemorrhage. She didn’t make it.

The last thing that Danny was able to do for her was to cover her with a sheet. Now it was up to one of the nurses to go through her purse and find her phone to inform her family. Danny was more than glad that this would never be his job. A paramedic was never in contact with the family; that was the job of the ER and the hospital.

The rest of the day passed in a blur and left Danny little time to think, and he was again overwhelmed by the stupidity and thoughtlessness of people. The chair-as-a-ladder thing had given one woman a broken hip. A construction worker had shot himself in the hand with a bolt gun. Another had used an angle grinder to cut metal pipes and hadn’t bothered with protective eyewear. A biker who hadn’t been wearing his leathers was brought in, and Danny made a mental note to thank Craig for refusing to take him on a ride without gear.

As usual, Danny came home absolutely knackered, and he showered for about half an hour before he collapsed onto the bed.

But this time, as tired as he was, he didn’t fall asleep. The memories of the blond curls matted with blood suddenly re-surfaced in his mind and he couldn’t suppress a shudder. It hadn’t been the first time he had watched someone die, and it always made him feel so furiously frustrated, a feeling he knew he would have to get a grip on. He couldn’t take this feeling to the next patient where it would distract him.

The first time it had happened, Dr Keel, one of the younger doctors in the ER, had sat down next to him in the break room and listened to him trying not to blame himself, and she had chatted with him through their whole break. Danny tried to take her words to heart and work on himself. Feeling guilty was another thing that would impair his concentration.

He had to focus on the fact that he was there to help, she had told him. The awful thing that happened had happened, and it was not his fault. But he could help, or at least try to help, or the very least give someone the dignity of a sheet over their body.

_“It’s an emergency, but it’s not your emergency.”_

Danny had been clinging to that sentence, and it had helped more than anything else he had heard so far from other people. When he had told her that, she had given him a warm smile and told him she was very happy she had been able to help him, too. She was only a few years older than Danny, a doctor who had just gotten her degree, and she and Danny spent their breaks together from then on whenever they could. She had also told him to call her Samantha instead of Dr Keel and Danny had instantly liked her, and wished they could have become friends. But he would soon be gone again from the ER, and if they should meet again in the future it wouldn’t be the opportunity for chats or small-talk. So he spent more time with her than anyone else, whenever possible, and he treasured her advice more than anyone else’s. 

_“It’s an emergency, but it’s not your emergency.”_

But still, in this instance, for a moment, it had been. For the brief moment of panic that he had believed it was Russell there on that gurney. But it hadn’t been him. He needed to get over that.

It hadn’t been Russell.

He was still staring at the ceiling when Russell came home, but he managed to be in sweatpants and a T-shirt before Russell entered the bedroom.

Danny smiled at him and hoped the smile didn’t look weird. “Hey.”  
“Hey,” Russell replied and rather hastily hit the bathroom.

When Russell emerged again Danny was making coffee, and after slinging his arms around Danny from behind, Russell nuzzled Danny’s cheek.

“You okay?”  
Danny emitted an affirmative hum. “Just knackered. People are stupid.”  
“What else is new,” Russell said with a grin.

Since they were both tired that evening they ordered pizza and ate that in front of the TV while watching an old Bond movie. They went to bed early and only spent a short time cuddling before each of them crept under his blanket to sleep. 

_He was running, because he couldn’t find him, but he needed to find him, he needed to find him! He was running, running down corridors with countless doors, but every room he looked in was empty. He was losing so much time! Hospital rooms, one after another, all with empty beds. There was an elevator at the end of the corridor. The doors closed as he reached it. So he ran back towards the stairs. He ran and ran down the stairs. Another door, another corridor._

_He couldn’t find him. He was too late, he would be too late, he needed to find him and there were so many doors! So many rooms!_

_Then he tore the first door open. There was a coffin in the room, but it was empty, the lid wide open._

_No, no, no… it pulsed in his brain. No, no, no…_

_He ran and tore the doors open, and in every room was an empty coffin._

_He had to find him. He had to find him! They would put him in a coffin if he didn’t find him!_

_The last room at the end of the corridor was open. There was a white coffin, a closed coffin, with a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers._

_Blood was dripping from the bottom out of the coffin._

_He’s still bleeding. They can’t bury him if he’s still bleeding!_

_“There’s nothing left.”_

_The walls of the coffin began to crack, and blood began to seep out. Then it burst._

Danny jerked awake with a gasp before he could get drenched in blood. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he was ice-cold and trembling all over. His mouth was dry as he tried to swallow and he quickly sorted the blanket around him again. Shit, he was freezing. What a vile motherfucker of a dream.

He curled up tighter under the blanket, but even though his heartbeat calmed down somewhat, he didn’t stop freezing. His skin was still crawling, and he was shivering with cold.

Russell had remained oblivious of Danny’s nightmare and was still asleep, as usual cocooned in his blanket. Danny closed his eyes and listened to Russell’s breathing. He was okay. Russell was okay. He was alive and he was fine. 

It didn’t help. He was still cold. 

Cautiously, Danny moved a bit closer, so he could see the rising and falling of Russell’s chest, and he listened to his deep, even breaths with his eyes closed. Then he cautiously reached out to touch one of the stray strands of hair peeking out of the blanket. Russell was okay. He was fine. 

But Danny just felt the burning urge to have his arms around him, to feel him breathe against his body, feel his heartbeat under his hand. He just didn’t want to wake him up. 

Danny curled up under his blanket as tightly as he could. He just didn’t stop freezing, but he really didn’t want to wake Russell up. He had been tired too, and he had to go to work tomorrow, and Danny just wanted to let him sleep. He would stop freezing at one point and be able to fall asleep again. 

Then he remembered Helen’s words. 

_“It’s important that you help Russell and are there for him, but you are not his carer. You are partners, you are equals. If you weren’t, your relationship would break, sooner or later. You both have things that you want and that you need, and a true partnership means taking care of each other.”_

And what would Russell say when he discovered Danny had had a nightmare and had just suffered in silence? He would be worried, but he would also be hurt and disappointed. They were equals, and Danny had as much a right for comfort as Russell had. 

It still took Danny a few moments more before he reached out to touch Russell’s shoulder.

“Russ…”

Russell didn’t even stir.

“Russell…” Christ, he felt awful, but he simply had to admit he needed Russell right now, plain and simple. He gently nudged Russell’s shoulder. “Russell…”

The rhythm of Russell’s breathing broke and he took a deep breath. 

“Russell…” Danny gently shook him again and moved closer. 

Russell uncurled and turned onto his back with a low hum. He tugged his arms free of the blanket and turned his head to look at Danny in sleepy confusion.

“I’m sorry,” Danny whispered, realising how miserable he sounded. “I had a nightmare.”

Russell blinked a few times, then his eyes focussed on Danny’s face. Danny could hardly meet his eyes, but before he could say anything else Russell turned around to face him. As soon as he had untangled himself out of the blanket he took one corner and lifted it. 

Danny closed his eyes and quickly slipped under Russell’s blanket. It was warm, and Russell’s body, still soft from sleep, was even warmer. 

“Fuck, you’re ice-cold,” Russell muttered.   
“I’m sorry, I just…”  
“Shhh,” Russell said softly and closed both arms around Danny to pull him close. 

Danny had meant to embrace him and hold him, just hold him for a moment, but now he found himself enveloped by Russell’s arms instead. So he snuggled against him, and after a moment he turned around so his back was resting against Russell’s chest. Russell immediately spooned him as tightly as he could and closed one arm around him. 

After a moment, Danny finally stopped shivering, and Russell’s hand came to rest on his face to brush a few hairs from his face. The gentle fingers caressed his cheeks for a moment and carded through his hair. 

“I’m sorry,” Danny muttered. “I didn’t want to wake you up, but…”  
“Nonsense.” Russell nuzzled the back of Danny’s head. “How many times have I woken you up because of a nightmare?”  
Danny hesitated. “Okay, yes, but you had more reason…”  
“More of a reason to have a nightmare?” Russell nudged Danny’s head with his own. “Come on. Just because my nightmares had another reason than yours doesn’t mean they’re more valid.”  
“But I…”  
“Danny, will you stop?” Russell combed his fingers through Danny’s hair again. “Okay, it doesn’t feel good to wake someone because of a nightmare, trust me, I know. But you had a nightmare, and you need some comfort, and you know what? I want to comfort you when you feel bad or are scared. I want to. Just like you want to comfort me. What would you do if I told you during breakfast that I’m so tired because I had a nightmare?”

Danny couldn’t say anything to that so he snuggled closer. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I know it’s stupid. I know I’m not your carer and that I… that we’re supposed to take care of each other, not just me taking care of you. I mean, I did wake you up.”  
“And how long did you need?” Russell asked softly.  
“What do you mean?” Danny asked with a puzzled frown.  
“How long did you have to lie there freezing before you could bring yourself to wake me up?”  
“Oh.” Danny hesitated. “I don’t know. But only a few minutes.”  
“That’s a few minutes too long,” Russell replied and dropped a kiss into Danny’s hair. 

They snuggled closer to each other, and Danny couldn’t suppress a deep, heartfelt sigh. He had stopped freezing, and enveloped by Russell’s warmth, feeling his heartbeat against his back, the dream began to dissolve into an unpleasant memory.

“What did you dream of?” Russell asked gently.  
“I…” Danny sighed again. “Can we talk about that tomorrow, please?”  
“Sure.” Russell kissed his hair again. 

Russell fell asleep again not long after, and Danny needed only a bit longer to do the same. He didn’t dream of anything that he could remember the next day. 

During breakfast he told Russell about the cyclist and the awful moment of horror, and then told him about the dream. Russell relocated into the other chair so he could sit next to him, and after Danny had finished, Russell closed both arms around him. 

“I really wish we wouldn’t have to go to work,” Russell said and kissed Danny’s temple. “I just want to go back to bed and cuddle the shit out of you.”  
Danny chuckled. “I like the idea. Maybe tonight?”  
“Definitely tonight.”

They shared a few gentle, affectionate kisses before they got up to get ready for work.


	15. Chapter 15

Danny met Samantha again the next day during his coffee break, and he asked her if he could talk to her. She sat down after filling her cup and listened to Danny talking about the dream which the events from the day before had caused. She could tell him nothing else than that he had to accept this as a fact of his life, and that he had to accept them afterwards. Being worried about them or afraid of them beforehand would only give him sleep disorders, which would in the long run make things only worse as it would wear down his shields even more.

“So I’m going to bed now every night having to expect a nightmare?”  
She shook her head with a smile. “No, of course not. But you have to accept the fact it could happen. Also, it always helps if you have someone to talk to. I think I’ve grossed out my wife more than once.”  
Danny smiled into his cup as she winked at him.  
“What about your partner? Are they someone you can talk to about these things?”  
“Russell’s a bit... actually more than a bit squeamish about blood and other stuff. Last time he cut his finger really bad he almost passed out on the kitchen floor.”  
“Oh.” Samantha suppressed a grin. “I guess it’s a good thing you’re a paramedic then.”  
“Sometimes, yes.”

They exchanged another smile, emptied their cups and went back to work.

Danny was left with very little time to think for the rest of the morning. There had been several car accidents and he was kept very busy until lunch.

He was more than surprised when Shirley came to find him after shift turnover. She smiled broadly at him and he smiled back.

“I got something for you,” she said.  
Danny gave her a questioning frown.  
“You’ll never guess who came into the maternity ward this morning,” she went on and took an envelope out of her bag. “She asked me to give this to you.”

His confusion growing, Danny took the envelope that had his name on in a beautiful handwriting. He opened it and found a picture and a slip of paper with a short note. Looking at the picture it took him a moment to recognise the woman with the baby on her arm.

“Is that Ellen?”  
“Yes.” Shirley had a very smug smile on her face.  
“Did you read this?” Danny asked her with raised eyebrows.  
“No, but I talked to her. Just read.”

Danny took the note and, after another glance at Shirley, looked at the writing.

_Dear Danny,_

_I can never express how grateful I am that you were there for me. It was the most difficult moment of my life, but you being there made me less afraid. I’ll be forever in your debt. In case you wonder, Aaron didn’t show up for the rest of the day and he didn’t even have an explanation why he hadn’t been at work. So now I am a single mum, but I live close to my parents, so we’ll manage._

_I don’t know if you want to hang on to the picture, but you can keep it if you want. Just as a keepsake of the most fortunate single mum in the world, and her baby boy Danny._

_Take care, and all the best in the world._

Danny lowered the sheet and looked at Shirley with his mouth hanging open.

He needed a moment to get the cogs in his brain to move again. “She named the boy after me?”  
Shirley’s smile couldn’t have been any broader.  
“Seriously?”  
“Well, it’s in the paperwork, so I guess she’s been serious about it.”

After shutting his mouth, Danny looked at the picture again. Ellen was smiling happily at the camera, and the baby in her arm looked absolutely adorable wearing a knitted hat in strawberry design.

“You made someone very happy,” Shirley said softly. “I’d hang on to that if I were you.”  
“I will,” Danny said and slowly slipped both picture and note back into the envelope.

Shirley patted his shoulder and smiled at him before she left him.

Feeling absolutely dumbfounded Danny headed for his locker and needed another moment to sort his brain after having stowed the envelope into his backpack.

* * *

When Russell came home that afternoon Danny was sitting at the table with a coffee and the envelope, staring at the picture. And after he had gotten himself a coffee as well, Russell sat down next to him.

“What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing.” Danny looked up at him with a small smile. “Just... I don’t know how to...” He sighed and showed Russell the picture.  
“Who is that?”  
“Remember the young woman I told you about, on the maternity ward?”  
“The one with the absent boyfriend?” Russell’s smile turned into a frown.  
“Yes. That’s her. Shirley, one of the midwifes, she came down to me during lunch break after her shift was over. Ellen’s been on the maternity ward this morning to give her this and asked her to pass it on to me.”

“That is so cute!” Russell grinned at the picture. “Look at the little strawberry hat!”  
Danny chuckled. “I can mention that to my mum. I guess as soon as we even think about babies again she’ll start polishing her knitting pins, and buy enough yarn to equip half of Auckland with baby clothes and cute little hats.”

Looking up with a laugh Russell put the picture down. “Babies in knitted strawberry hats?”  
“Babies in pretty much knitted everything.” Danny chuckled again, but his smile vanished when he looked at the picture again.  
“Danny?”  
“I don’t even know how...” He swallowed. “I mean... the cute little hat is one thing but...”  
“But?” Now Russell sounded a tad bit worried.  
“She...” Danny took a deep breath. “She named him Danny.”

Russell stared at him for a moment with his eyes widening.

“Yeah, I thought that too,” Danny said with a crooked little grin and shoved the note towards Russell across the table.

Russell took it and read it. His lips parted when he had finished, and he looked up at Danny with moist eyes.

“This is...” He was groping for words. “I don’t even...”  
Danny chuckled under his breath. “Me neither.”  
“Oh my god...” Russell looked at the picture and back at Danny. “You have a little namesake!”  
“Come on.” Danny tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “There’s a thousand Dannys in Auckland.”  
“Yes, but their parents named them Danny. This one’s named after you.”

They looked at each other for a moment, then Russell took Danny’s hands. “How does that feel?”  
“I really...” Danny sighed. “I’m honoured, of course. I’m touched. But I don’t really... I don’t know what to think.”  
“You probably don’t have to think anything.” Russell leaned a little forward. “Come on, let’s cuddle a bit. I’ve been looking forward to that all day.”  
Danny smiled at him. “What about dinner?”

Russell got up and held out his hand. “It’s Friday and I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.”  
Danny got up, but he looked puzzled. “I thought you had free last Saturday?”  
“Yes. Because Allan and Henry told me to stay home. I wanted to work this Saturday where I was scheduled for a free day, but they said they had that covered already.”  
“They’re too good for this world.”  
“Two cinnamon rolls,” Russell replied with a cheeky smile. “Don’t tell them I said that.”

Danny got up as well, and the two got comfortable on the sofa together. After snuggling up, Danny told Russell about what Samantha had told him, and Russell assured him he could talk anytime, and that he better toughen up a bit about the whole blood-and-bodily-fluids-thing.

“You sure about that?” Danny asked while toying with a few strands of Russell’s hair.  
“We can try.” Russell gave him a wry smile.  
“I really don’t want to gross you out.”  
Russell snuggled closer. “Not right now anyway.”

Danny buried his nose into Russell’s hair with a smile and closed his arms tighter around him.

* * *

Since Beth had to work that weekend the band didn’t have much time for practise. Weekends were especially busy of course, and she was scheduled for the guided tours on Saturday so she was too tired that evening. They went out for a drink, but she called it an early night.

“So, how about tomorrow?” Russell asked her as she put on her jacket.  
“I’ve got early shift, so in the afternoon,” Beth replied. “But not before four.”  
“Right.” Russell looked around with a smile. “Tomorrow afternoon?”

“Sorry.” Craig shrugged with an apologetic smile. “It’s the birthday of Janice’s mum tomorrow.”  
“Right.” Russell’s smile fell. “Okay. What about next weekend? I gotta work on Saturday so it would be for an hour or two after dinner if at all. Sunday?”  
“Sorry,” Craig said again and shrugged unhappily. “Janice has a game on Sunday.”  
“Dang,” Russell said with an angry sigh. “Is it an important game?”

Craig narrowed his eyes. “Come on,” he said. “Does it have to be the World Cup Final so I can be excused from practise?”  
“Of course not!” Russell crossed his arms. “I was just asking! I mean, we have the concert at the end of November and-”  
“I know we have a concert!” Craig interrupted him. “But I do have a life beside Jormungand, you know?”

The others around the table looked back and forth at each other with worried glances.

“So have I!” Russell uncrossed his arms with an angry sigh. “But this isn’t going to work without a bit more dedication!”  
“That’s easy for you to say! You got a partner who’s in the band!”

Russell froze and shut his mouth.

“Look, I know. I get it.” Craig visibly tried to draw the anger out of his voice. “Jormungand means the world to you. It means a lot to me. But I also got Jan, and she means a lot to me, too.”  
“I know,” Russell said in a small voice. “And I’m sorry. I know this...” He broke off with an angry sigh and stared at the table.

“Okay,” Emma said firmly into the subsequent silence. “Obviously, we need a better time management. We all got our lives outside Jormungand, but we all want this to work out and we want to rock the end of year concert. So I guess we better sit down, take some paper and make a proper plan.”  
“Sounds like a good idea,” Matt replied and got up. “I get some more drinks. Anyone here got pen and paper?”  
“I do,” Beth said and took off her jacket again.

She had been about to leave but had stopped when she had heard the argument break out between Russell and Craig.

“Beth?” Russell looked up in confusion. “I thought you want to go home?”  
“I was about to. But I... well. It’s useless to argue about this stuff, and Emma is right. And it’s not as if I’m about to keel over, so let’s do this.”

She sat down, took her shoulder bag and produced a small notebook and a pen. The others shuffled a bit tighter together and leaned towards Beth and her notebook, and as soon as Matt had come back with the beers and a coke for himself since he was the designated driver for the night, Beth picked up her pen.

The first thing she wrote down were her and Russell’s weekend schedules. She made a table with the help of the calendar on her phone, and put down all weekends they had until the concert. Of course, neither her nor Russell’s schedules were planned that far ahead, but for now they went as far as they could.

“Then there’s a family birthday,” Beth said and crossed out Craig for the next day. “And Jan’s game next Sunday. I work Saturday again, but late shift, and Russ is at work in the morning, so it’s not gonna happen.”

Russell looked visibly nervous.

Emma tapped on the paper with her finger. “Can we meet a few evenings next week, just for an hour or two? It’s not much, but better than nothing.”

They spent more than half an hour to plan through the following weeks, and they got a schedule together that everyone was okay with, even if Russell wasn’t happy about it.

“It’s as good as it gets,” Emma said to him and shrugged.  
“I know.” Russell combed his fingers through his hair. “Maybe I’m just worrying too much. But from end of September on we got another problem too.”

Danny sighed and fiddled with his beer mat.

“Oh,” Emma said. “Shit, yeah. I forgot about that.”  
“We made it work last year,” Matt said cheerfully. “We’ll make it work this year.”  
“We got a lot more songs to cover this time,” Danny said, still staring at the table.  
Emma thrust out a finger at him. “You know what happens when you mention the words ‘another drummer’, right?”  
Danny looked up with a crooked smile and nodded.

“Um,” Beth twirled one of her dreadlocks between her fingers. “What will?”  
“Oh,” Matt grinned at her. “We’ll tie him to the bass drum until he comes to his senses. It’s Jormungand with Danny at the drums, and pretty Craig at the bass.”  
“Dick.” Craig glowered at him.  
“Pretty Craig?” Beth looked at Matt, at Craig, and back at Matt.  
“We have two Craigs,” Matt replied with a bright smile. Then he proceeded to explain the thing with the two Craigs and their respective nicknames.

“Okay,” Emma said after Beth had stopped giggling. “We got that settled now, right?”  
Beth nodded. “I put that down in Excel as soon as I can and put the table up in a shared doc. Just text me your emails.”  
“Good plan,” Matt said and lifted his coke. “To Jormungand.”

The mood had lightened again and Craig smiled at Russell, which had Russell visibly relieved. After finishing their drinks they got ready to leave, when Beth muttered a few choice curses at her phone.

“Beth?” Russell stepped to her side.  
“Nothing.” She shrugged. “I just missed the bus. Now I gotta wait more than half an hour for the next one. Guess I can just buy myself another drink.”  
“I don’t think so,” Matt replied. “Come on, we give you a lift.”  
Beth slipped her phone back into her bag. “Seriously? I live at the other end of the city!”  
“Yes, I know.” Matt jingled his car keys. “Come on.”

Beth smiled at him with a one-sided shrug, and followed him and Craig towards the car after they had said goodbye to each other.

* * *

It had been Emma’s idea, and even with Matt sharing a house with Craig, the plan had gone unnoticed by their bassist. So he was more than surprised when the whole band showed up the following Sunday at the stadium.

“What are you guys doing here?”  
“Support team,” Emma replied brightly.   
Craig looked at Russell.  
Russell smiled at him with a shrug. “We’re a team,” he said.

Now Craig walked towards him and nudged Russell’s shoulder with a fist.

Janice did look for Craig in the audience of course, and she was visibly ridiculously pleased when she saw all the others with him. They all cheered her on, and they cheered even louder after Janice’s team had won the game.

They all went out for a beer afterwards, and with the way Janice and Craig kept on snogging no one was surprised they headed home well before the others.


	16. Chapter 16

The schedule they had figured out worked better than expected, even if they didn’t practise more than three hours that week. But they all wanted this to work, and they would make it work.

Danny practised more than the others, and this time Russell had bought drum computer software that Danny now spent a lot of time with. He hated it with a passion. But it was the only thing that would make this possible, so he bit the bullet and did his best and fed the software with every song that they had for now. The pro-version was a lot more refined and sounded much more realistic, but that didn’t make Danny feel any better. Of course he knew he wouldn’t be replaced by a drum machine, but there was no point in hiding his frustration.

The band got together again that Saturday, and again well before noon since neither Russell nor Beth had to work. They started the day with discussing the drum computer and then did a few trial runs. Danny vanished wordlessly and came back an hour later with doughnuts and the newest issue of the Rolling Stone.

Emma had practised the flute part for the winter song, and she and Matt made the song a goose bump experience. It was hauntingly beautiful now. Beth had practised her lines as a Valkyrie as well, and now she truly sounded like one. Her voice was firm and low and strong, the words clear and full of power.

“Wow...” Russell looked at her after they had finished. “One could almost believe you are a Valkyrie.”  
Beth grinned at him. “Yeah, it sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it? I practised in the shower.”

Everyone chuckled or laughed, and then they all got rid of their instruments to make coffee and tea and to have doughnuts.

Danny sat down in a corner and opened the magazine.

“Fucking finally!”

Everyone looked at Danny.

“Danny?” Russell turned around. “You okay?”  
“What happened?” Emma asked worriedly.

Danny chuckled under his breath and shook his head. “Nothing,” he said. “But there’s an interview here with Jake, and he talks about the break-up.”  
“Jake?” Craig’s head flew up. “What does he say?”  
“Hang on.”

“Jake?” Emma asked.  
“Jake Massey,” Craig replied, as if that explained everything.  
“Sorry, I’m drawing a blank,” Emma said cautiously.

“The drummer of Deathwish,” Danny supplied from his corner.  
“Oh! That Jake!” She chuckled with an embarrassed smile. “Sorry for being thick.”  
“No worries,” Craig replied and looked up at Danny again. “So what does he say?”

Danny adjusted the magazine and cleared his throat a few times.

“Right.” He cleared his throat again and began to read out loud.

> _It has become silent around the members of the former Kiwi metal band Deathwish. Since their breakup seven months ago there hasn’t been much going on, apart from a single solo CD of lead guitarist Kane McKenzie. Rhythm guitarist Ian Freeman and bassist Alex Hudson made an attempt at establishing a new band together, but the project was very short-lived and no results ever saw the light of day._

Danny looked up at Craig. “Did you know that?”  
Craig shook his head. “No.”  
“Hmm.” Danny looked at the magazine again.

> _Members of the band have occasionally been seen together, but never all of them at once. It seems that initial rumours about a reunion were based on nothing but wishful thinking._

Danny huffed. “You bet.”  
Craig snorted under his breath.

> _Drummer Jake Massey has been reclusive as well since their last gig at the Auckland Festival this January, but now he has announced a new project, although he is not the founder but a replacement, as he said._

Danny frowned. “What the fuck.”  
“Just read on.” Craig adjusted his position.

> _In an interview exclusively given for the RS, Jake talks about Deathwish and the breakup for the first time. Jake has lately been seen a lot with Anaru Ketu-Hopkins, lead singer of the NZ death metal band Ectoparasite. And Jake now confirms that the rumours about him and Anaru are, indeed, true._

Danny looked up. Craig looked at him. Both were completely dumbfounded.

After a moment Danny looked down again and took a deep breath.

> _**RS:** Were you worried that you coming out would produce a backlash?_
> 
> _**Jake:** Honestly, yes, I was a bit worried about it when I decided to come out. But I was completely blown when it turned out this bad._
> 
> _He is sitting relaxed and comfortable next to the small, stocky Maori, and the two look at each other for a moment._
> 
> _**Jake:** I would never have expected it would be that bad. But I’m thirty-four years, man, and I’ve been in the closet all the time. The metal scene can be pretty macho so I kept that to myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Most people I ever met were great, but I know personally of two instances where bands chucked one of their members after they came out. It’s hard. But I was fucking tired of hiding what I am._

Danny paused and huffed out a long breath with puffed cheeks. “Seriously?”  
“What else?” Craig asked impatiently.

> _While Jake is clearly comfortable in his skin and has no problem being seen with his partner in public, he is visibly not completely comfortable talking about the break-up._
> 
> _**Jake:** It was bad. And it took me completely off guard. I mean, I expected it could cause a bit of a crunch, but I hadn’t thought Neil would lose his shit like that._

Danny broke off and stared at Craig again. “Neil?”  
“Neil?” Craig said as well. “Neil is a bloody homophobe?”

The two stared at each other for a moment. Then Danny took another deep breath and lifted the magazine.

> _Jake clearly has no idea what to say for a moment, and Anaru comes to his aid._
> 
> _**Anaru:** It really feels like shit. In a way I feel I’m the reason for the break-up, but that’s not true. Jake has a right to be what he is, and if he’s gay or not doesn’t have shit to do with his skill at the drums._
> 
> _**Jake:** Anaru’s right, you know. I have a right to be who I am. Up until now it wasn’t a big deal, I had a fling here and there, but when I met Anaru I knew that he wasn’t going to be a dirty secret._

Danny stared at the page and then very slowly looked up at Russell. Russell smiled, a soft and affectionate smile, and Danny shook his head with a sigh and a smile of his own. He looked back at the page before him.

> _**RS:** What did the other band members have to say to that?_
> 
> _**Jake:** They were actually fine. Alex said what’s the big deal, Ian just asked if we could go on practising, and Kane told Neil to keep his pants on. And Neil just exploded. He just exploded._
> 
> _Jake seems to have a hard time thinking about the incident. Then he shakes his head again, as if he still can’t believe what happened._
> 
> _**Jake:** I don’t get it. We had such a good thing going on. It was so much more than we would ever have dared to dream of when we started back then in Neil’s dad’s garage. And Neil just nuked it. But it wasn’t a question, you know. It wasn’t a decision between Anaru and the band. It was a decision between being who I am and continue living a lie. There’s so many people out there like me, living a fucking lie. I was just fed up with that shit. So yeah, I’m Jake Massey, I’m a gay drummer, deal with it. Neil couldn’t. End of story._

Danny paused for a moment before reading on.

> _**RS:** What are your plans now? Do you think about joining Ectoparasite?_
> 
> _**Jake:** No, definitely not. Ectoparasite has a drummer, and he’s rad. Bruce is a founding member, and he has his place there. And unless he leaves of his own because he wants to, I’m not even thinking about replacing him. Nah, I got another project. But we’re still not clear on if it’s yes or no, so I’m not gonna talk about it._
> 
> _**RS:** Will you be at the festival next year?_
> 
> _**Jake:** Of course I’m going to be at the bloody Auckland Festival. I just can’t say yet if I’m gonna be on stage or not._
> 
> _**RS:** Is there ever a chance of a reunion?_
> 
> _**Jake:** Not bloody likely. I don’t think Neil is any less of a homophobic ass by now and really, I don’t think I can ever have a beer with him again, so I don’t even think of being together on stage with him after all the shit he said to me. I’m sorry. Yeah, it hurts. But Deathwish is history._

Pressing his lips together, Danny took a deep breath.

> _**RS:** Do you have anything to say to the fans?_
> 
> _**Jake:** You know, all I can say at this point is thank you. Thanks for the love, the cheering, buying the CDs and other merchandising shit. Thanks for being fans._
> 
> _Interview by Delf Meunier and Lilly Joss._

The band was very silent. Not that the rest of them were specifically into Deathwish, even though Russell loved their music. But Craig and Danny were fans, and to hear these revelations and being confronted with such unpleasant truths was visibly hard on them.

“I can’t believe it,” Craig said after a while. “Neil is the reason they broke up.”  
“Why...” Danny shook his head and closed the magazine. “I don’t get it.”  
“It’s sad,” Matt joined the conversation. “I felt bad for you guys back then, and I still do. But this is just sad.”

Now Danny and Craig looked up at each other.

“Not sure this doesn’t kind of spoil it,” Craig said hesitantly. “I mean... fuck, Neil had a brilliant voice. Like, amazing. Why does he have to be such an asshole?”  
Danny dropped the magazine and crossed his arms. “Their music is still cool,” he said. “But now I can’t stop thinking about that.”  
“Me neither.”

“Well,” Beth said then. “I’m sure you still can enjoy their music. I mean, there are lots of bands, and people love their music but say that their bassist, drummer or whoever is an asshole.”  
“An asshole, okay,” Craig replied. “But a bloody homophobe? To be breaking a thing like that just because one of them comes out as gay? What bullshit is that even?”

Russell now sat down next to Danny and brushed Danny’s arm with his hand. “I guess it’s made worse by the fact that we have a drummer too who’s not straight.”  
“Yeah, but that shit won’t ever happen here,” Craig said. “You and Danny are an item, Matt and I are straight, Emma is ace, and it’s Beth’s own bloody business if and when she has something to come out with, not that I care. She could be trans and it wouldn’t change who she is.”

Beth gave Craig a very fond smile. “Ta,” she said. “I’m not. I’m just straight. I had one thing once with a girl at a party because I was curious... well I guess being stoned had something to do with it, too.” She winked. “But no, straight.”

“Straight, but no boyfriend,” Emma said with a grin.  
Beth grinned back. “No, I’m in the market, as it were.”

The two giggled like teenagers.

Russell just so happened to look into Matt’s direction as the two girls were giggling at each other. Matt was smiling, and he quickly looked away when Beth looked up at him.

Russell narrowed his eyes.

They continued practising until dinnertime, with a lunch break and ordered pizza. And since they couldn’t be bothered to cook, they went out for dinner that night as well. Afterwards they settled down in their favourite pub for a few drinks to discuss band business and songs.

When Emma went to the bathroom, Russell kept an eye on the door to the facilities until it opened again, then he quickly got up to intercept Emma on the way to the table.

“Emma,” he muttered. “Can you have a look at Matt tonight and see if I am imagining things or not?”  
“That he as a thing for Beth?” Emma rolled her eyes. “Guys.”  
“Um.” Russell brushed a few hairs from his face.  
“Leave that to me. Believe me, I’m not going to watch another set of friends mooning over each other for months.”  
“But are you sure it’s reciprocal?”  
Emma cracked her knuckles. “I shall find out. Leave that to me.”

When Russell came back to the table Matt had just gotten them another round. With their seating order now shuffled around Russell quickly sat down on another chair so that in the end, Matt had to sit down next to Beth.

If anyone noticed the death glare Emma gave him, they didn’t let it on.

It wasn’t before they had all left the pub and had gone separate ways, apart from Russell, Danny, and Emma, who lived close to each other, that Emma called Russell out on it.

“Please stop trying to force things along,” she said sternly. “And keep your oh-so-subtle attempts to yourself.”  
“What?” Russell shook his head.  
“Stop playing dumb,” Emma said. “And please stop using brute force on the two. Leave it to me. This needs some subtlety.”

Russell rolled his eyes and looked at Danny who shrugged. He quite obviously didn’t want to partake in this conversation, and he still didn’t want to engage the topic once he and Russell were home, so Russell was left wondering and thinking.

In the end, Danny told him to stop brooding and come to bed.

* * *

Since Beth had to work the next day they couldn’t practice, but the others met in Westmere for a coffee and to hang out a bit. Emma had made cake, and Tim joined them with his coffee and devoured half the cake on his own.

“Geez, Emma,” he said while brushing crumbs off his shirt. “You sure you don’t want a boyfriend?” He winked.  
“Absolutely positive.” Emma smiled back. “But I can make that cake more often.”  
“Please do.” Tim picked up his cup for a refill and headed back into his room after thanking Emma several times more for the gorgeous chocolate cake.

Once the door had closed behind him, Craig adjusted his position so he could better look at Matt. “You should ask her out for a drink, you know?”

Russell couldn’t suppress a snort and giggled behind his hands that he pressed onto his mouth. Danny grinned and looked at Emma who regarded Craig with a sour frown.

“What?” Craig lifted his hands, palms up. “Someone has to nudge him!”  
“So much for being subtle,” Russell snickered, and Emma stuck out her tongue at him.

Matt, the object of the discussion, adjusted his glasses with one hand, his cup clutched in the other, while looking back and forth between Craig, Emma and Russell. “Am I that bloody obvious?” He asked after a moment.  
“We just know you,” Emma replied with a smile.  
“Better than I like, it seems.” Matt took a sip of his coffee. “And no, I won’t.”

“Mattsen,” Craig said with a frown. “Remember when I thought I wasn’t good enough for Jan? And you basically chased me out of the door after her?”  
“Yes.” Matt met his eyes. “But at that point it was clear that Jan had a thing for you.”  
“And Beth hasn’t?”  
“I am positive she doesn’t have a thing for you.”  
“Fuckface.” Craig rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”  
“I know what you mean,” Matt replied with untypical graveness. “And I appreciate your concern about my love life. But Beth’s taste doesn’t run into the direction of fat and bespectacled. I’m not her type.”  
“How do you know that?” Craig asked him.

Matt put his cup down and crossed his arms. “You remember the last boyfriend she had when-”  
“Yes, I do,” Craig cut in. “He looked like an extra in Jackson’s Lothlorien shots. And the one before that was a rugby player who was as broad as he was high, which wasn’t very much.”  
“And what do you mean to tell me?” Matt asked.  
“That she probably doesn’t have a type.”  
“Maybe not, but fat can’t be on that list of options.”

“Oh come on!” Russell shook his head. “Matt, we’ve been over this.”  
“I know.” Matt shrugged. “In my experience-”  
“In your experience,” Craig interrupted him again, “girls who are bitches treat you like that. And Beth is many things, but a bitch, she isn’t.”  
“I wasn’t even thinking that,” Matt gave back sharply. “I was thinking that she doesn’t have any interest in me. And if I asked her I’m positive she’d be nice about it.”  
Emma leaned forward. “But you don’t know if she is or not until you ask her.”

“Come on,” Craig said and nudged him in the ribs. “She’s a sweetheart, and she likes you.”  
“It’s not enough she likes me as a body pillow,” Matt replied.  
“You’d be such a sweet couple.”  
“Will you stop!” Matt’s eyebrows drew themselves together.  
“Uh-oh,” Craig said with a small grin. “Hulk incoming.”  
“Go fuck yourself!”  
“I’d rather fuck Jan, you know. And you really should ask Beth out. I’ve seen how she looks at you when you’re not looking.”

That brought Matt up short and he slowly looked at Emma.

“Well,” Emma said. “I’ve seen her smile a few times at you. And, I mean, Craig knows her better, but if I was to make a bet, I’d say she definitely sees you as more than just a body pillow.”  
“Wishful thinking,” Matt said finally. “I am not asking her out for a date.”  
“Mattsen...”  
“Can we change the subject?” Matt got up and headed for the kitchen. “Please?”

Emma sighed, exchanged a look with Craig, and shook her head. Craig shook his head as well and looked at the ceiling with a sigh.

They did change the topic though and debated a new possible song for the band instead.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, the author is not dead. So now that my first attempt at a book got thoroughly nuked, I am back in fanfiction world again to recover my ego. And maybe hone my skills for the next attempt. Thanks for your patience, if you're still reading this. You make my day.

For the next two weeks, the band practised every other evening during the week and made as much use of the weekends as possible. And then Russell finally got the email he had been dreading for months.

The band was as crushed as he had been when he now told them.

“We’re on the waiting list,” he said with a heavy sigh. “For what that’s worth.”  
“It just means we might get in after all.” Matt was the only one who had found his smile back.  
“And how big is that chance?” Russell almost snapped at him, then he dragged a hand down his face. “Shit. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s alright,” Matt replied. “We’re all frustrated.”  
“You don’t look very frustrated,” Russell replied with a frown.  
“There’s no use in whining about it,” Matt gave back calmly. “We can’t change it. So where’s the point?”  
“I wish I had your optimism,” Russell said and shook his head.

“So then,” Beth began after a moment. “Did they say how far up the list?”  
“No.” Russell shook his head and tucked a curl behind one ear. “I have no idea.”  
“Okay, but you applied before I joined, right?”  
Russell looked up very slowly. “So?”  
Beth smiled and shrugged with a twitch of her head. “Do you think it might be worth it sending them another demo and telling them we expanded?”

Russell stared at her for a moment. “Do you think we should try that?”  
“I don’t know.” Beth looked around. “Maybe it moves us further up.”  
“And maybe they chuck us completely if we spam them with self-advertising,” Russell gave back darkly.  
“And if you ask them first? You write them a mail and tell them we expanded,” Beth explained. “And if they would be interested in another demo, and if that might have an effect on our position in the waiting list.”

“You should,” Emma said. “I don’t think it makes our position any worse.”  
“Okay…” Russell took a deep breath. “But we should probably have the new demo ready beforehand. If they say yes, then I don’t want to put them off for another two weeks until I can send the demo.”  
“True.” Danny had a look around at the others. “But we should do two songs again.”  
“The same songs?” Emma asked him. “Or other ones?”  
“I’d say other ones,” Craig fell in. “Gives them a better idea about what they’re missing out on.”

They debated for a while which songs to choose, and after deciding on the two new ones, set to practising them some more. They would have to ask Tim for help again as well. He was a student in media and communications, and had been able to borrow some of his faculty’s interviewing equipment to do a recording for the first demo.

Tim was happy to help, to everyone’s relief, and stood ready again the next Saturday morning.

“You’re a lifesaver, Tim,” Russell said to him.  
“Happy to help,” Tim replied with a grin. “I just want free tickets.”  
“At the first opportunity,” Russell promised. “And I’m sure Emma can supply you with more chocolate cake in the meantime.”  
“All the cake you can eat,” Emma said firmly and grinned at him.

If Russell would have gotten his way they would still have been at it past midnight, but eventually even Emma lost her patience and told him to get over it and that they would not be able to produce a perfect studio recording you’d put on a CD or on iTunes.

“I know you’re a perfectionist,” she said to Russell who put his guitar down with a tight-lipped frown. “But this is as good as it gets.”  
“Yes, I know, and it’s-”  
“As good as it gets,” Emma cut in gently but firmly. “We’re all doing our best here, but if our best isn’t good enough to change our position on their list then a hundred more recordings aren’t going to change that.”

Russell sighed and looked at his feet with a one-sided shrug. At that point Danny had reached him however and put his arms around Russell’s shoulders. Russell relaxed into his boyfriend’s embrace and was able to look at Emma again and even give her a hesitant smile.

“I get the files to you as soon as possible,” Tim said as he dismantled the microphone stand.  
“You’re the best,” Matt said and slapped his back. “Best roadie ever.”  
Tim grinned up at him. “Yeah, roadie, sound tech engineer, and what next?”  
“Groupie,” Matt said without missing a beat, making everyone chortle. “And we definitely should stand you a beer.” Then he turned around. “Band? Are we going out for a drink tonight?”

General consensus was that everyone was definitely up for a drink, and it was a unanimous decision that Tim should tag along.

“Do you need help with your Soundcloud design?” Tim asked as he packed up. “It’s not as straightforward as they make it look.” When no one answered, he looked up again. “I mean, with your band logo and stuff. So you really can sell yourselves.”

“Good point,” Matt said after a moment.

Tim looked at him, at Craig who shrugged, and at Russell who radiated frustration.

“You don’t have a logo?” Tim asked cautiously.  
“Not yet,” Matt said brightly. “We talked about it a few times and just didn’t get anything together. And now is the perfect time to get to that again.” Then he slowly turned around to look at Emma.  
She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows.  
Matt pointed at her. “Isn’t your mum a graphic designer? Think she could help us?”  
Emma blinked a few times, then a smile spread on her face. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll definitely ask her.”

“Yeah, and I stop being perfectionist for a while,” Russell muttered and busied himself with his guitar case.

No one said anything to that; they didn’t have a logo yet because Russell hadn’t been able to come up with something all of them liked, himself included. They had stopped talking about the issue for now to focus on the actual music and not waste their time on arguing.

With that, they packed up and met later that evening in the Watering Hole for a drink. Matt and Craig had Tim in tow who for once wasn’t wearing his oversized knitted sweater but a T-shirt with the Om sign. Beth immediately engaged him in a discussion about eastern culture and philosophy, which Tim was surprisingly knowledgeable about.

Eventually however they ran out of topics and they joined the other conversation again. During the whole evening Tim had had most of his attention on Beth, with compliments and smiles, and he had bought her a few drinks as well.

At one point Beth looked at her phone and abruptly got up with the remark that she had forgotten the time and needed to go because she had early shift tomorrow.

“Just been enjoying myself too much, as usual.” She grinned. “See you guys tomorrow afternoon!”

She waved and vanished and the others tried not to look at Matt, but he seemed totally unfazed by the fact that Beth’s attention had been on Tim for most of the time.

* * *

Russ and Danny had just finished their lunch when the doorbell rang.

“I got something for you,” Emma said as she kicked off her shoes.  
“As in?” Russell asked as he closed the door.

Emma dug into a pocket and produced a flash drive that she wiggled like a dog treat.

Russell’s eyes went wide, and after they had equipped themselves with tea and coffee they sat down at the dinner table with the laptop positioned so they all could see the screen.

“Remember how we talked about this tons of times back then?” Emma said to Russell with a grin. “When it was just the three of us?”  
“I remember.” Russell grinned back at her. “And now look at us.”  
“Exactly.” Emma pushed the flash drive into a slot. “So, I talked with Mum, and she made a few notes, and she came up with a few different ideas. They’re just rough drafts, though. And if there’s nothing you like, she’ll do a few others.”  
“She’s the best,” Russell said and sighed.  
“She’s the best,” Emma agreed and opened the first picture.

It was the fourth one that made Russell narrow his eyes. Emma noticed that and leaned back while crossing her arms.

“I like that one,” Russell said and leaned forward. “The font is great… and the serpent is… that’s authentic, isn’t it? Not modern artwork?”  
“I wouldn’t know,” Emma replied. “You’re the Norse archaeology expert here.”  
Russell narrowed his eyes. “I think I’ve seen it before,” he said. “But I…” He leaned back again. “What do you guys think?”  
“I think we should show that to the others as well,” Danny said without taking his eyes off the screen. “But that one’s my favourite, too.”

“Your timing is perfect,” Russell said to Emma as they got ready somewhat later to head for the studio. “Or rather, your mum’s timing is.”  
Emma grinned at him. “She said it’s great doing something just for fun.”  
“Maybe we ask her to do the cover design of our first album,” Danny said as he shrugged on his coat.  
“Oh, we definitely should,” Emma replied. “She’d love that.”  
“Now the only thing we need is the actual album,” Russell said with a sigh and picked up his laptop bag.  
Danny nudged him in the ribs. “We’ll get there.”

The two exchanged a smile, but before they could kiss Emma nudged both of them. “I’d say get a room, but we need to get going.”

After a quick peck on the lips, they followed Emma out of the door so the others wouldn’t have to wait as Russell was the one with the key to the studio.

* * *

“These are only the first rough drafts,” Russell said to the others as they had gathered around Russell and the laptop sitting on the small sideboard.

“They all look good,” Beth said with a thoughtful frown. “But the last one’s my favourite.”  
Russell nodded with a small smile. “That’s my favourite too, and Emma’s and Danny’s. More opinions?”  
“I definitely like the last one best as well,” Matt said and leaned a little forward, pointing at the screen. “It’s the font. Looks cool but is still readable. And the serpent, of course.”  
“Great.” Now Russell smiled at Craig. “You?”  
Craig nodded slowly. “I like that one best, too. But I think we should maybe look at other serpents.” He looked almost apologetically up at Russell.

“That’s no big deal,” Russell said and took his phone. “As long as we can properly source it so we can legally use it…”  
Craig nodded. “I guess something originally Norse is best.”  
Russell nodded as well as he typed. “We’ll find something.”

They chose three more pictures of the Midgard Serpent that Russell sent to Emma before they got their practise session underway.

Russell spent some more time looking through the pictures of carvings on Viking stones that evening. A few of those he recognised, and didn’t even need to look up the name of the stone to know where it was and how old the carving was.

It was when he realised that he had been staring at a picture of a Norwegian stone for almost five minutes that he closed the browser with a frustrated sigh.

He had seen that stone himself earlier this year, had touched the intricate carvings while the wind blowing down from the hills had been tossing his hair around. He had copied the runes for an essay about different runic alphabets and styles. An essay he had never finished.

Eventually Russell could tear himself away again from old memories, and he fell down onto the sofa next to Danny who just closed his arms around him. Norway felt so long ago now, was so far behind him that he didn’t understand why he still had no idea what else to do.

“I really feel I should know by now,” Russell muttered into Danny’s shoulder after a moment.  
Danny didn’t even have to ask. “Come on,” he replied gently. “It’s not even half a year. Don’t put so much pressure onto yourself.”  
“Look who’s talking.” It sounded half-amused, half exasperated.  
“Exactly. I know what I’m talking about.” Danny kissed Russell’s temple with a sigh. “I can see how hard that is for you, but you can’t force it.”  
“I know.”

Danny nuzzled Russell’s hair and temple. “Bed?”  
Russell hummed into Danny’s shoulder and managed to peel himself away from him. “Bed.”

After they had settled down and snuggled up to each other, Russell stared at the ceiling with a sigh. “It’s weird how the whole Jormungand thing doesn’t freak me out, and never has.”  
“What do you mean?” Danny turned onto his side to look at him.  
“I mean what happened in Norway the first time.” Russell sighed again. “It destroyed everything. I couldn’t go on when I was there again. But Jormungand... I mean, the whole Viking metal and old Norse is all because of my obsession with Scandinavian studies and Vikings and everything... so I don’t get why I couldn’t study anymore but can still make lyrics and sing in old Norse.”

Danny pondered this for a moment. “Jormungand was always a different dream,” he said then. “It had nothing to do with anything else. It started as a band. The Viking stuff came much later. Remember how we tried simple hard rock in the beginning with Emma and her sax?”  
Russell had to smile. “Right. I do. And it just wouldn’t work.”

“See.” Danny pulled him closer. “And we do have something special there. No one is doing what we do. No one can do what we do, because we’ve got the only guy in the world who can write songs in Old Norse. You lost that one dream, but it wasn’t all for nothing. All we are is because of you and that other dream. So you’ll never lose it completely. It’s always going to be a sad reminder, or will remind you of that every now and then. I’m sorry it happened, I can see it still hurts and I don’t want you to hurt.” He paused for a moment and threaded his fingers into Russell’s curls. “But without that dream, Jormungand as it is now wouldn’t exist. It’s just shit you could only keep one of those dreams.”

Russell stared at the ceiling. Of course he would have wanted to keep both of his dreams, but if he had been forced to make a conscious choice about it, what would he have done? Then he shook his head; it was absolutely pointless to go down that road. He should not let the loss of one dream ruin his happiness about the other that was well on its way to becoming real.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Think we’ll ever make it really big? I mean, we’re anything but mainstream.”  
“Who knows?” Danny leaned his temple against Russell’s and looked at the ceiling as well. “Maybe we’ll be the founders of a new genre of metal. Viking folk metal, created and pioneered by Jormungand. Maybe in twenty years you’ll find some new bands in their parents’ garages trying to do Jormungand covers. Maybe in twenty years no one but us remembers that name. Is that important right now?”  
“No, it’s not.” Russell sighed. “But I can’t help thinking about it sometimes.”  
“A guy can dream,” Danny said with a smile. “We can all dream. And we just dream on. I mean, the first labels that rejected the Beatles are probably still kicking themselves.”  
Russell had to grin. “Right. Maybe we should just make some investigations how to do a decent album recording that won’t cost a fortune.”  
“Cool.” Danny grinned. “I know what you’ll be doing in your spare time for the next weeks.”

Russell poked him in the ribs, eliciting one of those undignified squeaks Danny couldn’t help making when tickled.

“You dick!”

Russell snickered and Danny rolled on top of him. But before Danny could pin Russell’s wrists down he had both of Russell’s forefingers poking into his sides and he twitched so violently that he fell out of the bed. They were both laughing like idiots when Russell helped Danny into the bed again, promising a ceasefire for now.

He also made up for it, very thoroughly.

* * *

Russell called an ‘emergency meeting’ on Wednesday evening when Emma had shown up at their place with her flash drive, and after looking at the magic Christine had conjured, it didn’t take more than five minutes to make an unanimous decision. Then they scheduled a night out in the Watering Hole on Friday to celebrate a milestone in the life of Jormungand.

 


	18. Chapter 18

The band had practised a few hours that week and a few more on Saturday from late morning to afternoon. They had plans for the evening; one of Craig’s colleagues was celebrating his 30th birthday and had invited him, telling him to bring his friends along. He apparently hadn’t cared how many friends that might be, so Craig had simply decided to take the band as well as Janice.

They usually brought their acoustic instruments along to most of the parties they went to because quite often, a bit of jamming was very popular with the other people. Sometimes the party clearly wasn’t in the mood for music and the instruments stayed in the cars, but this time more than a few people were excited about the prospect of a bit of life music in the living room. So the band fetched their instruments and got comfortable.

They did a few classics everyone knew, and a few acoustic covers of songs that not so many people knew, as well as a few Jormungand numbers that Russell had adapted for sessions that were unplugged. It was quite late when people had lost interest in the life music again.

But as they packed up, a few guys entered the living room and loudly talked about blessed silence and crappy music. They were far from sober and had the air of people looking for a reason to start a fight.

“Not so fond of acoustic music, hmm?” Matt, scuff-proof as usual, grinned at the four guys who seemed to fit the bill of classical schoolyard bullies.  
“Don’t pretend to be special, fatso,” one of them scoffed.

“Hey,” Craig said, narrowing his eyes, but he was ignored.

“Hey fatso,” another one of the four said. “When was the last time you saw your dick without a mirror?”

Matt, who had been packing his violin away, now very slowly straightened up to his full height of 1 meter 94 and gave the guy a long look while adjusting his glasses. Then he picked up his violin again. The sound he produced with the first touch of the bow was more of a screech and made everyone wince, especially the four guys who weren’t used to the violin.

“My bad,” Matt said and adjusted the violin.

And before any of the guys could say anything he started playing. Of course his friends knew what Matt was capable of, even if he rarely pushed it and didn’t show off his skills very often. But now he let his fingers dance across the strings and played some [Irish tunes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czyMWut52Ec) in a speed and with a skill that made a few people return to the living room to watch and listen to Matt play. A lot of them stared at Matt with wide eyes and exchanged a few baffled looks with each other.

Danny was the first one to start clapping in time to the tunes, and a few others, not only Matt’s friends from the band, began to join in. And when Matt ended his performance, they all were clapping, apart from the four guys who were now a bit lost among the excited crowd of people.

And with his calm, friendly smile, Matt looked at the guy who made the dick comment and lowered his violin while taking the bow into the same hand.

“Right, so you have a big dick,” Matt said to the other guy. “Probably bigger than mine. But...” He lifted his empty hand and wiggled his fingers. “Think the ladies prefer your impressive shlong or these fingers?”

“I take the fingers!”  
“Me too!”

Matt smiled very smugly, and clearly aware that they had been beaten for now the four annoying pests left the room while still muttering insults about fat people.

“You okay?” Russell asked Matt as the latter was closing his violin case.  
“Oh, yes.” Matt straightened up and smiled brightly back at him. “Not the first time that has happened. I’m kind of used to it.”  
Russell frowned and pressed his lips together.  
“Although...” Matt adjusted his glasses. “That was the first time it actually worked.”

The quality of Matt’s smile enabled Russell to relax his forehead again.

Beth now stepped next to the two and crossed her arms while glaring daggers into the direction the four had vanished. “Seriously?”  
“Remind me to never get into the line of that stare,” Matt said and lifted both eyebrows when Beth turned around.  
Looking at Matt, Beth’s eyes softened and she smiled. “Every girl with any sense would prefer those fingers.” Then she poked Matt in the chest with a wink and left into the direction of the stairs and the bathroom.

Matt stared at her and slowly tilted his head before looking at Russell. Russell shrugged with a smug little grin, patted Matt’s arm and went to get them all another beer.

At that point it was shortly after midnight and a few people had already gone home again, and after throwing their instruments in the boot of Danny’s car, who was the designated driver for the night, they all decided to call it a night as well. Since the party had been in the north of Mount Albert, Matt, Craig and Janice decided they would just walk home while the other four got into the car. And since it was past one when Russ and Danny got home after dropping of Beth and Emma, they just carried the instruments up into the flat for safekeeping and went straight to bed.

* * *

After another successful practice session Sunday afternoon Russell started his week in a very good mood Monday morning.

To discover the staff entrance to Grant & Wilson was still locked. Russell pulled at the door again with a very puzzled frown, but it was indeed locked. He left the small backyard to head towards the front door, to find a sign hanging on the inside of the door that he had managed to overlook walking past the storefront.

_Closed due to family emergency_

His puzzlement immediately turning into worry Russell took his phone and called Allan. He didn’t reply. Then he called Henry, who didn’t reply either.

“Shit.” Russell looked around and headed into the backyard again through the narrow driveway between the shop and the bakery. Ringing the doorbell to their flat which was above the shop had no effect.

Russell leaned against the wall and looked at his phone and almost dropped it when it suddenly went off.

“Hey Henry.” He was too worried to smile. “What’s going on?”  
_“Allan had to be admitted to the hospital last night,”_ Henry said, sounding terribly tired. _“And here I kept telling him it wasn’t a stomach flu, didn’t I?”_  
“And what happened?” Russell pushed himself off the wall again.  
_“A ruptured appendix is what happened.”_ Henry took a deep breath and his voice was shaky. _“And we ended up in the ER last night because of it.”_  
“Oh shit,” Russell said softly. “Will he be all right?”  
_“Eventually,”_ Henry replied. _“But right now... I guess you’d best go home. The shop won’t be open for a few days.”_

Russell frowned and looked out of the narrow driveway at the cars rushing past on Hobson Street. They had advertised a large clearance sale for this week, and to have the shop suddenly closed was disastrous. Apparently, Henry’s thoughts had gone along the same way.

 _“And during clearance sale! This is a catastrophe! Ridgeway said he’d told all of his students, and I have no idea what...”_ He broke off with a hoarse sigh. _“Oh for fuck’s sake.”_

It was the first time that Russell heard the gentle and well-mannered Henry swear, and it was a clear sign of how bad things were looking right now. Russell desperately wanted to help, but he couldn’t even unlock the shop.

But then he thought of how the two had handled all his therapy appointments and his bad days, and all the patience and support they had had for him.

“Hang on,” he said to Henry. “If I get the keys, I can-”  
_“Alone?”_ Henry interrupted him. _“How on earth do you think you’ll manage that?”_  
“I don’t know.” Russell left the courtyard again and turned left to head towards Grafton Bridge. “But at least the shop wouldn’t be closed and Ridgeway won’t give you a dressing down.”  
_“Oh god I don’t even want to think about him right now,”_ Henry groaned. _“That pain in the neck of a man!”_ Then he sighed. _“No, Russell, thank you so much, but we’ll deal with that somehow. I can’t ask that of you.”_

Before Russell could answer Henry told him he had to go and check on Allan, and Russell shoved his phone back into his pocket. He was still not sure if it was a good idea to try this as he walked along Grafton Bridge towards the hospital, but he had already decided it was time for him to give something back other than just doing his work according to the roster.

It didn’t take long for him to find the two in the hospital, and it was clear that Henry was very reluctant to let Russell do this. In the end Allan told him to let the lad give it a go. Too worried to gainsay his partner and upset him, Henry finally caved in and handed Russell the key card to the shop before hugging almost all breath out of him.

Russell hurried back to the shop that should have opened almost two hours ago now, but customers showed up very rarely at that time of day. Clearance sale week might be different, but there was nothing to be done about it.

Truth to be told, Russell felt more than a little trepidation as he finally unlocked the back door of the shop, but the look on Henry’s face as he had entered their room to ask for the key only hardened his resolve.

The first customers showed up about twenty minutes after he had opened the shop, but the real challenge came after lunchtime. Russell hadn’t gotten a chance to eat and was now kept so busy he didn’t even have time to think about his sandwiches in the fridge. He kept himself going with copious amounts of heavily sugared coffee from the coffee maker in the shop that was normally used for complimentary beverages for customers, and focussed as best as he could.

How he managed it he didn’t quite know, but at one point it was half past five and he closed the door after the last customer with a heavy huff of breath. He quickly shoved his sandwiches down his throat as he counted the till, but now he had another problem: he wasn’t authorized to bank the earnings. So he carefully bagged the cash and locked the bag into the safe. Luckily he knew the combination to that since he regularly helped closing down the shop. Then he did some clearing up, sorted the messed up music sheets and books and put instruments back into their places.

When he finally locked the staff entrance again behind him it was past seven, a time when he usually was long home, and he was on his last leg when he fell onto the sofa. He had sent Danny a quick text before he had opened the shop, and the latter had prepared most of the dinner so Russell didn’t have to wait for his food.

After dinner Russell took a shower and crawled into the bed. He didn’t have much time for a bad conscience about Danny having to do all the cleaning and washing up on his own before he fell asleep.

Russell slept like a stone that night, and he was dreading his day when he got up the next morning an hour earlier then he usually did. Like the day before the morning wasn’t so bad, but Russell was hardly able to take a breath in the afternoon, with traffic picking up more and more the later it got. That evening, as he tidied the shop, he got the feeling that there were a few more books and score sheets missing than he had billed, but he kept telling himself that the loss of a few items to shoplifting was still smaller than the loss of revenue for a whole week of clearance sale.

It was the next day, shortly before closing time, that the one thing Russell had been dreading most finally happened: Ridgeway marched in past the last two customers as Russell already had the key in his hand and looked around. With an inward groan, Russell surrendered to his fate and steeled himself.

“Good day Mr Ridgeway, what can I do for you?”  
Ridgeway gave him a haughty look. “I need to talk to Mr Grant or Mr Wilson.”  
“I’m sorry, but they are not available,” Russell said as calmly as he could. “Mr Wilson has been admitted to the hospital on Sunday and-”  
“Mr Grant then,” Ridgeway interrupted him.  
“It was an emergency,” Russell went on after clearing his throat. “As far as I understood, it was a life threatening situation, and Mr Grant is with his partner in the hos-”  
“And who is responsible then?” Ridgeway glowered at Russell and crossed his arms.  
“That would be me,” Russell replied and forced himself to keep a straight back. “I’m afraid there wasn’t another solution.”

Ridgeway harrumphed and had a look around. “We had an appointment tomorrow with two of my students regarding the order of some instruments,” he said. “I strongly doubt that you are qualified for that.”  
“I’m not,” Russell replied and tried to smile. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

Ridgeway harrumphed again and pulled his phone out. Russell headed over to the display stands with music sheets and started sorting them while listening to Ridgeway harassing Henry on the phone, and thanked all deities he could think of when Ridgeway left the shop shortly after. He quickly locked the door behind him and after a deep breath, he rolled his shoulders and finished wrapping everything up.

Two days in, three more to go.

The worst part of that week though was the fact that they had scheduled a practise session Tuesday after dinner. Russell was absolutely knackered, and worried about his bosses at the same time. He had a very short fuse that evening.

“Ugh, I’m sorry!” Beth dropped her hands with a groan. She was having troubles with a particular transition and they had to break off in the middle of the same song for the fourth time already.

“Beth what is wrong with you?” Russell snapped at her. “Didn’t you practise?”  
“Russell!” Emma snapped back. “What the fuck is wrong with _you_? You can’t talk to her like that!”

“Well excuuuuse me,” Beth said sharply before Russell could reply. “I delivered a fucking elephant baby this morning and my arms hurt!”  
“Okay, I’m sorry,” Russell said through gritted teeth. “But you-”  
“I what?” Beth tilted her head. “I did practise, but in case you hadn’t noticed I do have a job and other people in my life than the band!”  
“I said I’m sorry!” Russell rolled his eyes. “But you-”  
“Need more dedication?” Beth asked with a slightly sarcastic undertone. “Seriously? So are people who are also dedicated to their job and other friends not suitable for the band?”

Russell snapped his mouth shut and huffed. “I didn’t-”  
“Then maybe you should find another guitar.”  
“Beth!” Russell put his guitar down as Beth was slipping the strap over her head. “Come on, don’t be silly!”  
Beth narrowed her eyes. “I’m not silly, I’m fucking tired, and if my best isn’t good enough then this isn’t going to work.”  
“I didn’t say that!”

His eyes widening in despair Russell combed his hair back with both hands. At that point Craig had put his bass down and intercepted Beth on her way towards the door.

“Come on.” He rested one hand against her shoulder to stop her. “This is ridiculous. It’s okay if you want to give up for today, but don’t stomp out like that.”  
“Please,” Matt added. “We all know what’s going on at Russell’s work, and your day has been crazy too. You’re both knackered, and things come out wrong.”

“Beth, please.” Russell dropped his hands with a sigh. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.”  
“Yeah, and don’t pretend you don’t want to be in the band anymore,” Craig added and nudged Beth’s shoulder. “Because we all know that’s nonsense.”

Beth turned around again and looked at Russell who was close to tears.

“All right,” she said after a deep sigh. “Sorry for exploding. But I really want to go home.”  
“Go home,” Emma said. “Take care of yourself, and we see you on Friday.”  
Beth nodded, and picked up her guitar case again. “See you Friday.”

The door closed behind her and Craig stretched his arms and arched his back. “Time to call it a day.”

They packed up and left, and Danny draped an arm around Russell’s shoulders as they headed for the car.

Russell shook his head. “I am such a-”  
“No you’re not,” Danny said firmly. “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill again.”

Russell shrugged and kept looking at his feet on his way to the car.

* * *

To Russell’s incredible relief Henry turned up the next afternoon and stood ready to receive Ridgeway and his two students. One of them was a guy who had the air, the look, and the behaviour of someone who had been a spoilt brat since early childhood. The other one was a young woman close to Russell’s age or maybe a bit younger. She kept rolling her eyes when her fellow student tried to make himself important with asking meaningless questions that screamed ‘I’m here and I know stuff so take me serious!’ every other sentence.

At one point she looked at Russell and smiled, then stepped away from Ridgeway and next to Russell.

“Hey,” she said in a low voice. “I’m actually here to buy a piano too, but if they continue like that we’re still gonna be here at midnight.”

Russell lifted both eyebrows but chose not to reply in case Ridgeway would hear him.

“So, um,” she went on. “Do you know stuff about pianos?”  
“A bit,” Russell replied with a smile. “I’m more of a guitar person.”  
“I thought so,” she replied with a chuckle. “You look more like a guitar guy. But can you play?”  
Russell nodded and shrugged. “I wish I could help you, seriously.”  
“Well,” she said. “I’m Hannah, by the way. And... can you show me that one?” She pointed at a piano in the back of the shop and added in a low voice: “Before we both die of boredom.”  
“Russell,” Russell gave back in an equally low voice. “And sure thing.”

The two headed towards the back of the shop where Russell sat down at the piano. “What I do know is that this is one of our cheapest models,” he said to Hannah. “But I guess you’re not into exotic woods and ivory keys anyway.”  
“God no,” Hannah replied with a grin. “But does it sound okay?”

Russell put his hands onto the keys and started playing, one of the songs he knew by heart. It was _The Piano_ , Danny’s favourite piece, and Russell couldn’t help but think of Danny sitting next to him on the ground and lean his back against Russell’s leg.

At one point he opened his eyes again and saw that Henry, Ridgeway and the other student were looking at him.

Russell stopped with an embarrassed grin. “Sorry... I was...”  
“He was doing a demonstration,” Hannah finished for him. “I quite like the sound of this one.”

Ridgeway and his two students left an hour later, half an hour after closing time, leaving one contract for Hannah’s new piano and none for the other student who had ‘found nothing that was worth spending so much money on.’

“He and Ridgeway sure make an excellent team,” Henry said sourly as he locked the door. “Sheesh.”  
“Absolutely.” Russell looked up from the till. “Are they related?”  
“Not as far as I know.” Henry shook his head as he headed towards the back of the shop to let the blinds down. “Though if they were they would be a prime example of the Apple and the Tree thing.”

After wrapping everything up in the shop the two headed into the tea kitchen to load the dishwasher and close the window.

“Thank you,” Henry said to Russell after locking the backdoor and activating the alarm. “I can’t thank you enough for doing this.”  
“It was...” Russell shrugged. “I just wanted to return something. You’ve always been so great about me and my issues.”  
“It’s very much appreciated,” Henry replied with a warm smile.  
“I know it wasn’t perfect,” Russell said. “I think I lost quite a few sheets and books that I didn’t bill. I just...” then he shrugged.  
“You did your best,” Henry said and slid the key card into his pocket. “No one should ask more of you, and you should never want to do less.”

Russell slowly turned his head to look at him. “Wow,” he said with a wry little smile. “That was deep.”  
“Yes, but I didn’t father that one.” Henry smiled back. “Some wise man said that long ago, but I forgot who it was and where I read it. In any case, I would never be able to come up with something that wise.”

They both chuckled and said goodbye for the day before Russell headed home and Henry back to the hospital.


	19. Chapter 19

Since Allan was well on his way to recovery Henry was back in the shop full time on Friday, and the two managed the last day of clearance sale week together. 

“He’s already complaining about being bored,” Henry said with a little smile as they left the shop. “So I guess it won’t be long before he comes home. He’s given us quite a scare, that one.”  
“He did.” Russell adjusted his backpack. “And I’m glad it wasn’t something more serious.”  
“You can say that twice.” Henry sighed. “Maybe this time I can get him to quit smoking.”

Russell tilted his head with a questioning frown. “But smoking has nothing to do with a ruptured appendix?”  
“No, it hasn’t.” Henry sighed again. “But now that he has gotten a bit of a scare too regarding his health, maybe he’ll listen to me.”  
“He sure loves his cigars, though,” Russell replied.  
“Oh, he does,” Henry said. “I know he does. But...” He stared ahead with a deep line forming on his forehead. “We’re not getting any younger. I would hate to...”  
“To lose him,” Russell finished for him in a low voice.  
“Yes.” Henry focussed on Russell again. “We’ve been together for more than twenty years, and I frankly wouldn’t know what to do without him.”

Russell didn’t know what to say, so he tried to smile. But he was thinking of Danny as he did so, and found the thought of losing him absolutely unbearable. Which was why he avoided and suppressed those thoughts with a vengeance. 

Henry however seemed to have guessed his train of thoughts and patted his arm. “At least he doesn’t smoke.”  
“No,” Russell said with a huff. “And he’ll never start. I mean, I had a boyfriend once who smoked, not much but still, but kissing him was... sometimes it wasn’t nice and he was complaining about having to brush his teeth so much. We... it didn’t last very long.”  
“I can imagine.” Henry looked at the door of his flat and the engraved brass sign with both his and Allan’s names. “You really have to be very fond of someone to put up with that sort of thing. I mean, you can get used to the smell and bulk-buying breath mints, but I really prefer I wouldn’t have to.”

They looked at each other for a moment, and then Henry gave Russell a lopsided smile. “Take care of him,” he said.   
“Will do,” Russell replied firmly. “Always. Say hi to Allan for me.”

Henry nodded with a warmer smile as he unlocked the door. Russell waved before he turned around and left the tiny backyard. 

Cars were racing past outside and Russell could hear the sirens of an ambulance in the distance. Of course he thought of Danny, and he smiled as he crossed the road. He could imagine Danny in a St John’s Ambulance Services uniform all too well, and his smile grew even wider. Danny would not only be the best but also the hottest paramedic of St John’s. 

After crossing the road Russell walked among the busy shoppers, most of whom were staring at their phones, and he whistled under his breath as he looked at various shop windows. Passing a chemist he stopped and frowned for a moment, then he shrugged and went inside. 

When he came home Danny was already in the kitchen chopping peppers, and Russell dropped the little plastic bag onto the table before putting his backpack away. Danny looked up with a smile. 

“Lube and condoms?”  
“Yep.” Russell took said items to stow them away in the bedroom. “I wasn’t sure if we still have enough lube, so better safe than horny.”

Danny froze for a moment, then he rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh and a half-amused, half-exasperated snort. 

“We should not have kids,” he said when Russell left the bedroom again.  
“What?” Russell walked up to him and propped his hands up on the worktop. “Why?”  
“You’d annoy the fuck out of everyone around you with your dad jokes,” Danny replied with a small grin and scraped the peppers into a bowl.   
Russell threw his head back and laughed, then nudged Danny’s upper arm with his fist. “Need some help?”  
“Nah, I’m fine.” Danny looked up at him. “Unless you want to get a pot of rice started.”  
“I think I can manage that.” Russell winked and opened the cabinet with the pots and pans. 

They had a stir fry for dinner and immediately after that headed towards the studio for another practise round. Beth had to work that weekend, but she had early shift on Sunday so they would meet again Sunday afternoon. It was soon October but they were getting into a very good routine, so they were confident about the end of year concert. 

They hadn’t quite given up on the Auckland Summer Square either, even though it was very unlikely that they would actually get in. They were still on the waiting list, and even though the organisers had received the second demo, the band still didn’t know if that had had any influence on their positioning or not.

Trying not to think too much about it they focussed as best as they could that evening. For now they always practised together with Danny, but it was almost October and they would very soon have to make do without their drummer most of the time and use the drum computer instead. But it was just the way things were for Jormungand, and even Danny had accepted the fact by now and didn’t bring up the issue of another drummer again since it was clear that their system worked. 

“Right, that worked much better tonight,” Beth said as they took their first break.   
Russell tried to smile at her. “Yeah, and I’m really sorry about Tuesday.”  
“Me too,” Beth replied with a shrug. “Shit happens.”

They two exchanged a smile now, and Russell exhaled with a huff of breath. 

“Besides,” Beth continued as she switched on the kettle. “I would hang on to this band with claws and teeth if I had to. I may be PMSing, but you won’t get rid of me that easily.”  
“Chocolate?” Emma asked without missing a beat and went to grab her handbag.   
Beth had to laugh. “Thank you so much, but I have my own.”

Beth and Emma both laughed as they unpacked; Emma had a large bar of chocolate and Beth a bag with mini candy bars. Russell eyed the bag with mournful eyes. 

“You’re not PMSing, I hope,” Matt said to him and adjusted his glasses. 

Before Russell could say anything, Beth opened the bag and made a round, offering it to everyone. 

“Thank you,” Russell said as he took one. “Maybe we should store some candy and chocolate here too together with the coffee.”  
“That would be disastrous,” Beth said as she unwrapped hers. “We’d take far too many too long breaks if we had that.”

They finished their session to everyone’s satisfaction, and their session that Sunday went so well that they all were confident about having to work through the next weeks without their drummer, even Danny himself. 

“Have fun with your books,” Beth said to him as they were leaving the building.  
“And write us a postcard,” Matt added. 

Beth snorted and shook her head, but Danny chuckled as well. 

“I’ll occasionally pop in and check on you guys to see if you’re doing it properly,” he said.   
“Do that,” Matt replied and slapped Danny’s shoulder. “So we don’t forget how you look like.”  
“Do you want a picture?” Danny grinned at him.   
“Sure!” Matt nodded enthusiastically. “We blue-tack it to the wall behind your kit and you’re with us in spirit!”

Danny rolled his eyes, but he was still grinning. Matt slapped his shoulder again and they all said goodbye for now. It wasn’t quite clear how often Danny would join them, but it would be far and few between until the last days before the actual concert.

* * *

The rest of September and the beginning of October passed in a quiet routine for Russ and Danny. Danny focussed on his exams and Russell went to work, and nothing much happened apart from Emma going down with a really nasty flu for some time. 

But since they now lived together Danny didn’t have to scrape together his time to be with Russell so he had a lot more energy to study, and he found he could actually spend a few hours with the band every weekend. They were all ready to rock the concert. 

And while Danny went through his exams in October Russell began planning his birthday party. It was still quality over quantity for him so he didn’t invite dozens of people even if it was his twenty-first, and because October that year was particularly warm he decided they would make it a beach party. He bought beer, disposable plates, cups, and cutlery, and with the help of Emma organised who was to bring what in terms of food and other drinks. And since his birthday was on a Saturday, he would also have a get-together that afternoon with his family. 

The band had a last practise session the evening before Russell’s birthday, but they spent as much time practising as they did discussing particulars about the party. And according to Craig and Janice, Lucy had decided to come as well. They all hadn’t seen her in a very long time so everyone was happy to hear that.

“You should invite Shaun,” Craig said and crossed his arms. “I mean, we do have a paramedic at hand to patch him up again after Lucy is done with him.”  
“Tempting.” Russell exchanged a quick look with Danny who shrugged with a small grin. “Though I doubt he’ll come.”  
“Does anyone know where he lives?” Beth looked around with a smile that could only be called diabolical. “I could pinch a few cockroaches from the food kitchen.”

Emma snorted and Matt got his coffee down the wrong way so he spent the next two minutes coughing while Craig and Beth were slapping his back. 

“That’s even more tempting,” Emma said with a chuckle. “But he used to live with Lucy and I don’t think he told her where he moved when he left.”  
“Too bad.” Beth handed Matt his cup back that she had grabbed when he had been hit by the coughing fit. “It would have been so easy to put a handful in a lunchbox and then drop them into the letterbox.”

Matt took a sip of his coffee and adjusted his glasses when looking at Beth again. “Remind me to never get on your bad side.”  
“Never get on my bad side,” Beth replied with a bright, toothy grin. “Although I might get in trouble for... borrowing... one of the tarantulas.” She giggled with that terrible evil grin still in place, but stopped when Craig shuddered violently. 

“Sorry, Craig.” She stopped grinning and managed to look totally innocent again. “I would never do that.”  
“I know.” Craig relaxed. “Sorry, but spiders...”  
“I know.” Beth smiled at him. “And I admit those things freaked me out a bit in the beginning as well. But I guess we better change the subject.”  
“Strange how the conversation turned from Shaun to even more disgusting things and critters,” Emma said.  
“Meaning the topic didn’t really change at all,” Craig went on and looked into his empty cup. “Should we give it another go or call it a day?”

“We should call it a day, if you ask me,” Russell said. “It’s past nine, and...” He looked questioningly at Beth. “Don’t you have early shift tomorrow?”  
“Nah, I managed to swap.” Beth got up and arched her back. “Ready to party.”

They packed together and tidied the place. Russell emptied the bin and took the bag outside to the container behind the building that belonged to Axl’s company but they were allowed to use for their rubbish. 

When he rounded the corner again to head for his and Danny’s car, Emma and Beth were standing closely together whispering to each other while Craig was zipping up his jacket. He had been at Jan’s before practicing and Matt had taken his bass along as instruments are a bit awkward to carry around on a bike. 

Danny was still eyeing Craig’s Harley with unmasked greed, but even though Danny had the pants already, the two had to watch their money a bit and couldn’t just buy the rest of a set of leathers, boots and a helmet. So he had to contend himself with admiring the bike instead of riding it. 

Beth and Emma now stopped whispering and Beth walked over to Matt’s car with a hesitant smile. 

“Um, Matt?”  
Matt smiled at her. “Yes?”  
“I know it’s a pretty big detour but-”  
“My pleasure.” Matt opened the passenger door with a smile. “Hop in.”  
“Thank you so much.” Beth smiled up at him, patted his arm, and Matt’s ears glowed with a rosy tint for a moment. 

Craig put his helmet down on the saddle and narrowed his eyes as he watched Matt’s car leave the parking lot. 

“Are you thinking what I am thinking?” Russell asked as he walked over.   
“I guess I am.” Craig looked at him with a grin. “It’s about time those two figure themselves out.”  
“And if you ask Matt she’s just doing this to let him down gently, right?” Emma walked over as well and slipped her phone into her pocket. “Though I somehow doubt that.”  
“We will find out.” Russell exchanged a small grin with Danny. “Good night everyone.”

* * *

Russell and Danny arrived in Godden Crescent in the late morning, and while Anders had prepared a nice brunch for the four of them, he was very silent and kept looking at his son with a tight-lipped frown. That didn’t pass Russell by of course, and once they had settled down in the living room Russell put down his cup and looked at his father. 

“Dad.”  
Anders heaved a heavy sigh.   
“Dad, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t think anything is wrong as such,” Anders said after a moment. “It’s just me being... I don’t even know what I am.”

Russell looked at Danny who could only shrug, and then at Seona who cast Anders a quick glance before looking at Russell again. Russell tucked a stray curl behind his ear, and then suddenly saw daylight. 

“It’s because it’s my twenty-first, right?”

The room was very silent for a moment; Seona took a sip of her tea, Anders still looked at his feet and Russell closed his eyes for a moment before looking at Danny. Seeing as the latter looked more confused than before, Russell sighed and shrugged.

“It was always on the twenty-first birthday that the god spirits chose a vessel,” he explained. “And I think my dad can’t stop thinking about it.”  
Now Danny nodded and closed his fingers tighter around his cup. “But it’s not going to happen, is it?”  
“The gods have been gone since I was... what... three?” Russell looked questioningly at Anders who finally looked up and nodded. “So I...” He put a hand on Anders’ leg. “I get why you’re worried, Dad. I really do. But do you think Bragi is going to hop out of Asgard and away from his Idun to be a mortal again and suck at everything?”

Anders huffed out a small chuckle and shook his head. “No, I know he won’t. I don’t know why this bugs me so much.”  
“Because it really fucked up your life back then, and it still kept fucking up things in both our lives fifteen years later.” Russell shrugged. “I think if I was you I’d be worried too.”

“Right,” Seona said and resolutely put down her cup. “Now that we got that out of the way, I think we should get the coffee started for when the rest of the Johnson Clan arrives with a cupcake stampede.”

It wasn’t a stampede of course, but the gathering of uncles, aunts and cousins sure brought life into the house. But as soon as she spotted him, little Layla bee-lined for Danny and crawled into his lap so he didn’t even get a chance to get up to greet the others. Danny, totally at a loss, looked at the toddler on his knees and up again at Russell. 

Russell grinned back at him and winked. “Should I bring you a coffee? Someone has gotten comfortable, it seems.”

Danny could only shrug and Russell left him to get more coffee. While the kids raced around the house and garden, the adults were either outside or in the kitchen, and when Russell came back into the living room with his and Danny’s coffee he almost dropped the cups. 

Not only was Layla still sitting on Danny’s lap, but Chloe had found them too and was standing behind Danny while toying with his hair that was now sporting two lovely braids above his left ear. 

“So pretty hair,” she said and proceeded to put another pink hairclip in.

Danny glowered up at Russell. “If you take a picture now I’ll beat you with your own legs.”

Russell pressed his lips together as tightly as he could and sat down opposite of Danny before slowly putting down the cups onto the table between them. He managed to hold on to himself for another five seconds – looking at Danny’s resigned facial expression, the braids, and the pink hairclips – before he burst out laughing.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is, the next twenty-first birthday in the Johnson family....

After having stuffed themselves with cupcakes, Russell and Danny left Godden Crescent that afternoon without telltale pictures of Danny with pink hairclips. Russell still wasn’t quite over that and kept giggling every time Danny looked at him, but eventually he managed to get over himself when it became clear that the joke had worn off for Danny and he was getting annoyed. 

Since Russell was, as usual, worried about something not working out the way he wanted to, he and Danny stopped by a store to buy more beer so it would be enough although they had plenty. And while they were at it Russell also threw a few more snacks and treats into the cart. 

He and Danny were discussing the party and the instruments they were taking along while Russell wheeled the cart towards the car, and Russell was for the moment so lost in his conversation that he almost ran into a man who happened to cross their path. 

“Sorry, Sir!” Russell had just managed to stop the cart in time. “I’m so sorry!”  
“Don’t worry,” the man replied. “I didn’t watch where I was going either.” Then he nodded at the contents of the cart with a smile that was warm and kind. “Big party tonight?”  
“Yeah, it’s my twenty-first.” 

Russell looked over his shoulder to smile at Danny, only to find him stare at the stranger with a confused frown. It was only then that Russell realised that the man he was talking to looked awfully familiar. He did, in fact, look almost like a younger version of his father, only with a beard and a long ponytail. He also had a deeper voice.

“Oh, really? Happy birthday then!” 

The stranger smiled even wider. He had adorable smile wrinkles and beautiful eyes, and though Russell knew that he should feel uncomfortable looking at this man who looked like his father, he couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Thank you,” he said, and he was still smiling when the stranger nodded and turned around. 

“That was...” Danny brushed his hair back with both hands. “That was weird.”  
Russell turned the cart around so Danny could unlock the boot. “What was?”  
“He was.” Danny opened the boot and looked at Russell again. “Did you notice that he... um...”  
“Kind of looked like my dad?” Russell turned around again, but the stranger had vanished out of sight. “I did.”  
Danny put two of the six-packs into the boot with a frown. “I think he looked awfully like your dad.”  
“Well, I look awfully like my dad as well,” Russell replied cheerfully and dropped the bag with the treats next to the beer.  
“Exactly.”

Now Russell froze and straightened up. His eyes widened and he slowly turned around again to look into the direction the stranger had vanished. 

“Danny...” He swallowed. “Do you think...”  
“It would be possible, wouldn’t it?” Danny took a deep breath and exhaled softly. “I mean, we know how your dad was when he was younger.”  
“And how big is the chance that we would actually run into him?” Russell crossed his arms so tightly that he was almost hugging himself. “Here? Today?”  
“Not very high,” Danny said. “And he... you know, he’s at least thirty, plus a few years, so your dad would have been a very young man. It’s possible but... I don’t know. Not likely?”

Russell stared across the parking lot, and suddenly he shivered. “Mid-thirties?” His voice was tiny and trembling. “Like my dad was when... when the...the gods left... for... for Asgard?”

Danny froze and took a step closer to Russell. Seeing as the latter was shivering Danny closed both arms around him and pulled him close. They both stood there for a very long time, next to the open boot of Danny’s car, staring across the parking lot with Russell holding on to Danny for dear life. 

Eventually it was Danny who got himself together first. He buried the fingers of one hand into Russell’s hair and sighed. 

“So... there’s no need to freak out now,” he said. “Even if that was... him, he quite obviously has no intention of... you know. Taking over.”  
“Then what...”  
“I don’t know.” Danny breathed out a soft chuckle. “Maybe he just wanted to wish his son a happy birthday?”

Russell took a deep breath and exhaled long and hard through his nose. “Seems a bit much, you know.”  
“What does?”  
“To come all this way from Asgard just to say Happy Birthday.”  
“Hmm.” Danny shrugged without letting go. “You are his son, you know?”

They were silently looking across the parking lot, but eventually Russell straightened his back and let go of Danny. He stepped away from him and took another deep breath before tearing his eyes away from the half-empty parking lot. 

“If it really was... him.” Russell inhaled deeply and huffed out a very long and heavy sigh. “Either that, or I have a half-brother. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell my dad any of this. I don’t know what would freak him out more.”  
“Right.” Danny turned around to look at him and cradled Russell’s face in his hands, worry in his eyes. “But that’s not going to ruin the party now, is it?”  
Russell shook his head with a lopsided smile. “Just give me a moment to digest that.”

Danny nodded and closed the boot. “We got some time before we’re supposed to meet Emma at the beach. How about we go home for a moment and have a coffee?”  
“So I can freak out in peace and quiet?” Russell asked with a shaky chuckle.  
“If that’s what you need,” Danny replied and squeezed Russell’s forearm. “But maybe you don’t have to.”

Russell rolled his shoulders and huffed out a heavy breath before he got into the car. They were silent on their way home, and they just settled down on the sofa with their coffee. Russell snuggled into Danny’s embrace and placed a kiss onto the side of Danny’s neck. Danny looked down with a sigh and Russell looked up at him before closing his eyes. 

One kiss led to another and since they were both more than eager to forget about the incident, they didn’t stop at kissing. 

In the end they left again in a bit of a hurry, the two cups of coffee sitting cold and forgotten on the sofa table. 

* * *

When Russell and Danny arrived at the beach Emma was already there, but crazy Craig and Lilly were there too and just putting up their tent that would serve as bar and food court. 

“Sorry we’re late,” Russell said with an apologetic smile.  
“Just a bit.” Emma looked back and forth between him and Danny. “What kept you?”  
“Oh...” Russell combed his hair back with his fingers. “We had to... do some stuff.”  
“Too much detail,” Emma replied, frowned as she met Russell’s eyes, but then put the grin back onto her face. “But hey, it’s your birthday after all.”

Craig, god among mortals, had already set up his beer cooler and Russell and Danny now loaded it with as many bottles as they could fit inside. Then they dug a fire pit and, because they weren’t stupid, fetched a bucket of seawater before starting the fire. 

Not long after that they could hear the rumbling of the other Craig’s Harley. He and Janice had their camping gear all neatly stowed on the bike while Janice now unpacked the bread from her backpack. 

Russell took the bread, but then he looked past Craig’s bike at the road. “Where’s Matt?”  
“I have no idea,” Craig said slowly with a very smug smile. “He came home last night after I went to bed, and he left again very early. I assume,” and here his smile turned into a grin, “that he picks up Beth and the salad before coming here.”  
“Right.” Russell couldn’t stop his grin from becoming wider. “And where’s Lucy?”  
“She’s coming,” Janice said and unzipped her jacket. “But she’s still working and she said she’ll be a bit later, but not much after seven.”  
“Great.” 

His arms full of bread, Russell headed towards the food tent where he met Danny who was unpacking the condiments.

“Why are you grinning like that?”  
Russell waggled his eyebrows. “Because apparently Matt stayed very long last night and left again very early.”  
“Oh.” Danny’s smile widened. “I see.”

Colin and Marvin and their girlfriends arrived shortly after that, and once all the tents were set up somewhat away from the water line, they all gathered around the fire that was beginning to burn properly.

The sound of another car made them all look up and towards the road, and it was indeed Matt’s green Ford that came into view. Matt got out, and Beth as well, and they both carried two bowls down the path towards the beach. 

“Hey!” Russell grinned like a Cheshire cat. “How’s it going?”  
“Absolutely fine,” Beth replied and handed Russell her bowl. “Why shouldn’t it be?”

After Danny had taken Matt’s bowl, Beth and Matt headed back towards the car to get their camping gear. By that time several people around the fire were ready to burst at the seams with curiosity, but Matt and Beth were either completely unaware of the tension they were creating, or they were setting up Matt’s tent with utmost care on purpose. 

When the two had finally equipped themselves with drinks and joined the others at the fire, pretty Craig had obviously reached the end of his tether. 

“So, you were late last night,” he said to Matt and lifted his eyebrows.  
“Aw, Mom...” Matt sighed with a pout.  
“Fuckface.”  
“Seriously,” Matt said with a chuckle. “Turns out Beth has a very nice coffee that she keeps specially for guests, and I thought it would be rude not to have one if she goes through all that trouble.”  
“So... you had a coffee?” Craig took a sip of his beer.  
“Yes, it was really good.” After exchanging a smile with Beth, Matt took a sip of his beer as well. “I had a few. And we talked for a while as well.”  
“You talked.” Craig wasn’t good at hiding his disappointment.  
“Well, what else would we have done?”

Craig lowered his bottle with an exasperated huff of breath. “I thought you’d have finally figured your shit out and gotten together!” 

Matt and Beth looked at each other, and both simultaneously snorted and started to laugh. 

Then Beth lifted her bottle. “Who says we haven’t?” She asked with a grin and looked up at Matt before leaning against him. 

Matt smiled at her and back at the others while draping an arm around her, and he had an adorable blush on his cheeks as he did so. 

Everyone around them whooped in joy, making Matt blush even more, and Craig slapped his back so hard Matt had to cough. 

“I told you, you bloody idiot!” He gently punched Matt’s upper arm with his fist. “I told you a fucking million times!”  
“Yes, so you did.” Matt pushed him away, but he was grinning. “I know.”

Craig lifted his bottle, and Matt lifted his own and they knocked them together before taking a sip. 

“Here’s to Beth and Matt!” Crazy Craig hollered and knocked his bottle back. 

The others followed his lead, and once he lowered his bottle again crazy Craig emitted an impressive and very dramatic belch, which earned him a slap across the arm from his tiny girlfriend.

Then Janice announced that Lucy had just sent her a text telling her she was on the way, and they got the barbie started. 

It was dark when they had finished eating, and once they had cleared the space around the fire pit, Russell went to set his phone into the docking station with the speakers and cranked up the music. 

They started with an air guitar competition followed by a head banging contest, and they spent a few hours laughing and dancing around the fire until around midnight, they were all in need of a break. They switched off the music and got out their instruments. 

The fire was crackling and sent up the occasional shower of sparks into the night sky, and they were all sitting around the fire now while they took turns in making music. Craig, Beth, and Russell did a few songs, some together and some alone, and Matt played a few very soft and emotional pieces as well. 

As he put down his violin again Beth moved closer again and snuggled up to him, and Matt smiled softly down at her as he pulled her close. Emma sighed with a mournful little smile and leaned back while digging her fingers into the sand.

“Emma?” Russell leaned forward. “Something wrong, sweetie?”  
“What? No!” Emma chuckled and shook her head. “I just realised I need to find another cuddler.”

Matt and Beth looked at each other for a moment, then Beth smiled at Emma. 

“Not on my account,” she said to Emma with a wink. “Sharing is caring.”

Matt lifted his other arm with a smile, and Emma didn’t need another invitation before she hurried around the fire. 

Russell played a few more songs to which the others sang along, but at one point Danny complained about getting bored and being about to fall asleep before he got up to get his djembe. 

That brought some life to the party again and Danny whipped them up until they were all dancing around the fire again, stomping and swirling and kicking up sand while Danny played faster and wilder until one after another, the dancers more or less collapsed into breathless, laughing heaps. 

“I’m drenched,” Lilly complained and fanned herself with one hand. “This is too hot for an October night.”  
“Fancy a swim?” Crazy Craig asked her with a broad, tipsy grin.  
“Skinny dipping?”  
“Skinny dipping!” Craig hollered, and the two began to unlace their boots.  
“Skinny dipping!” Emma jumped up as well and pulled her shirt over her head. 

Russell followed her lead, and the other Craig and Janice were already undressing as well. The idea of skinny dipping was quickly put into action and the whole gang was racing towards the water, splashing and laughing like children, until only two people remained back at the fire: Danny and Matt.

Danny pulled up his knees and slung his arms around them as he watched his screeching friends. The October may have been warm, but the water was still rather cool. 

“No skinny dipping for you either?” Matt asked him.  
Danny shook his head. 

The two silently watched the others play in the water for a while. 

Matt adjusted his position. “I didn’t think you’d have body issues. I mean, you’re gorgeous.” When Danny looked up with one raised eyebrow, Matt winked at him. “Or so I’ve been told.”  
“It’s not body issues.” Danny looked back at the others with a frown. “Or maybe it is. I don’t know. Way out of my comfort zone.”

“Well at least you’re not going to try and talk me into joining the fun,” Matt remarked after a moment.  
“It’s not fun if you have to force yourself, is it?” Danny let go of his knees and stretched out his legs before looking at Matt with a lopsided smile. “Besides, someone needs to stay here to make sure they’re not getting into trouble.”  
“Yes, the paramedic shouldn’t be the one who goes under,” Matt replied with a small grin. 

It didn’t take long for the excitement to wear off and the cold to win, and one by one, the others stumbled up the beach and towards their clothes. Craig was in a real hurry to get his boxers back on, and Matt and Danny exchanged a smirk. 

“At least we don’t have to deal with awkward boners,” Matt said and crossed his legs.  
Danny snorted and shook his head. “And it’s not as if he hadn’t seen her naked before.”  
“I very much hope so,” Matt said absentmindedly, and with a small sigh. 

Danny followed his eyes and shook his head with a smile, but said nothing. Beth and Russell were struggling into their clothes while making jokes about whose teeth were rattling louder, clearly not fussed whatsoever about being naked in each other’s proximity. 

“Kind of makes you a bit jealous, doesn’t it,” Matt said softly. “Just to be so... comfortable in one’s skin.”  
Danny nodded with an affirmative hum. “I’d rather hop into the fire pit than get naked in public.”  
“Though other people have another definition of ‘public’, it seems.” Matt shook his head with a lopsided smile. “And you don’t seem to have a problem with your boyfriend being seen naked.”  
“You don’t have one with your girlfriend doing that,” Danny replied with a one-sided shrug.  
“Right,” Matt replied after a soft snort. “That’ll take me a while getting used to.”  
“What will?”  
“Having a girlfriend again.” 

Danny looked at his friend again. “How long have you been single?”  
“About three years, give or take.” A slow, warm smile spread on Matt’s face as Beth, now in shirt and pants but barefoot, came walking up to them. “But what gives, eh?”

Russell had finished wringing the water out of his hair and followed Beth up the beach carrying his shoes. His shirt was clinging to his still moist skin due to the lack of towels, and his eyelids drooped a little when he caught sight of Danny. Danny could only shrug; he knew perfectly well what kind of a face he had right now, and he sighed with open arms as Russell had reached him. 

“Jesus Christ on a bike,” Danny muttered as Russell snuggled against him. “You’re fucking cold.”  
“And you’re warm,” Russell replied and chuckled. “Opposites attract.”

Danny shook his head with a smile and firmly closed his arms around Russell who rested his head against Danny’s shoulder. Between Danny at his back and the fire in front of him Russell quickly stopped shivering, and he snuggled even closer up to Danny with a sigh. 

The dying fire sent a few sparks up into the darkness as the last log broke in half, and the two were the last ones to stay at the fire long after the others had retreated to their tents. They were still sitting there in a tight embrace as the sky turned grey, and they silently watched the sun rise out of the sea. 

“So that was my twenty-first,” Russell whispered.  
“Anything like you expected?”  
Russell chuckled. “Better.”

There was a moment of silence that wasn’t entirely comfortable. 

“And I think a million times better than my dad’s,” Russell whispered then. 

Danny pulled him close and nuzzled Russell’s temple. 

“Danny?” Russell whispered after a moment.  
“Hmm?”  
“I love you.”  
“I know,” Danny said softly and lowered his head so their temples were touching. “I love you too.”  
“I know,” Russell replied equally softly and closed his eyes. 

The sun had lost touch with the sea now and the water changed colour from orange-gold to greenish-blue. And the reflection of the sun on the waves, a road of golden light reaching for the horizon, slowly vanished in the rising waves as the tide came in.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes even I forget how far in the future this story is actually taking place. Anders found Russell two years after the Gahr which happened in 2013, which means Russell was born 2010 and Danny in 2009. And since this is Russell’s twenty-first birthday, we’re currently in the year 2031. I’m bad at Sci-Fi, but I’m sure there are gadgets around then that I couldn’t come up with. If you have an idea, let me know! :)

Being a member of the strange species called Morning Person, Emma was the first to crawl out of her sleeping bag and the tent she shared with Lucy. She blinked into the sun, then her eyes widened when she saw Russ and Danny still sitting at the fire. She shook her head with a smile as she padded over and looked back at the ground.

“Anyone seen my socks?”  
“What colour?” Russell asked sleepily. He was awake, but very comfortable snuggled against Danny’s chest.  
“Black,” Emma said and walked towards the water. “Damnit.”

Danny yawned and stretched, and Russell peeled himself away from him to kneel down next to the fire. Emma kept walking back and forth with her eyes on the ground and Danny got up to get the kettle so they could make coffee, while Russell tried to revive the fire.

“Found one!”

Emma triumphantly lifted one item of black fabric crusted with wet sand, that might or might not have been a sock once. She kept at it until she found the other, but as she was about to straighten up she frowned, dug her fingers into the sand and picked up a necklace. She blew the sand off as she walked back to the fire. It was a long chain with two dog tags and a small, silver heart.

“That’s Craig’s, isn’t it?” Russell looked up at Emma when she sat down next to him.  
“I think so,” Emma said and looked at the dog tags.

Danny had reached them with a canister of water and the kettle, and he looked over Emma’s shoulder at the pair of dog tags. Each one had four lines of numbers engraved on it; the two last lines were identical and in the first and third line, the numbers were separated by lines.

_03-23_   
_1975_   
_05-17_   
_2016_

Emma slowly turned the dog tag around.

_James O’Connor_ was engraved on the other side.

The numbers on the other dog tag were similar:

_09-12_   
_1980_   
_05-17_   
_2016_

And the name on the other side was _Rachel O’Connor_.

“Craig’s parents,” Emma whispered and blinked a few times. Her voice was trembling. “They’re his parents, right? And those are... the dates of their births and deaths...”  
“Seems like it,” Danny said in a low voice.  
“But...” Russell bit his lips. “2016? That means he was... shit, he was only ten years old...”  
“Fuck.” Danny shook his head and swallowed. “Fuck.”

Emma held on to the necklace while Russell and Danny got the fire going to boil water. A few more signs of life could be heard here and there, and sleepy, bleary-eyed, and mildly to severely hungover people began to gather around the fire in search for coffee and tea.

Muffled curses came from Craig’s and Janice’s tent moments before the zipper was torn up so hard and fast the whole tent rocked. Craig crawled out of the tent, his hair in absolute chaos, and he stumbled onto his feet with his eyes so wide he looked close to panic.

“Shit...” He raced past the fire towards the disturbed patch of sand where they had undressed the night before, and fell onto his knees. “Shit, no...”

“Craig?” Emma called, and lifted up the necklace when he looked up.

Craig was at her side in a second and he grabbed the necklace out of her hands as if she had stolen it. He fell onto his backside, his fingers closed so hard around the dog tags his knuckles were white.

“Jeez, you’re welcome,” Emma said with a frown.

Craig slumped over the necklace in his hand and dropped his head. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Sorry this is... it’s just... it’s the most important thing in my life.”

Before Emma could say anything, Marvin – never a master at picking up clues – leaned forward. “More important than your bass, or your bike?”  
Craig slowly looked up with burning eyes, and the smile died on Marvin’s face. “My bass is a bit of wood with strings,” he said hoarsely. “And my bike is a machine with wheels. They’re... things.”  
“And those are...?”  
“They were my dad’s,” Craig said heavily. “And it’s about the only thing I have left of him.”

No one knew what to say, and mildly dismayed looks were exchanged between the others while Craig picked at the lock of the necklace in an attempt to fix it. At that point Janice had reached his side and sat down next to him with a soft, sad look in her eyes.

“Craig...” Emma shook her head and sighed. “I’m so sorry...”  
Craig shrugged and fiddled with his dog tags.  
“Do you...” Emma looked around into a lot of helpless faces. “I don’t know, do you want to talk about it?”  
Now Craig looked up with a snort and a mirthless grin. “Jesus, what is this, a self-help group?”  
“Oh come on!”

Craig snapped his mouth shut and dropped his head. “Sorry,” he said again. “Sorry, I just... I just don’t like talking about it.” Then he sighed and lifted his head. “But... I don’t want you to... you know. Not knowing how to talk to me, or walk on eggshells or shit like that, so... I guess I’d better get it over with.”  
“You really don’t have to...” Emma began.  
“Yeah, I know, but I probably should.”

Janice moved a bit closer to him, and Craig leaned towards her, but it looked as if he was doing it unconsciously. He kept staring at the dog tags in his hand and heaved a heavy sigh.

“These were my dad’s,” he said again. “And he had their names engraved on them. Later... later, I added the dates on the back. And I don’t have much left apart from these and pictures.” He paused with a sigh. “It was a car crash,” he went on after a moment. “When it’s you against a semi, you lose. It was... it was just...”

Craig broke off and stared at his dog tags for a very long time.

“It was just a school day,” he said then. “And when school was over, they weren’t there anymore. There were policemen and a social worker and a foster family because there was no one else. My dad doesn’t have siblings and his parents were dead, and my mum’s sister lived in Brisbane at that time.”

“And... your mother’s parents?” Emma asked hesitantly after a moment.

Craig looked up with a bitter smile. “They... don’t give a shit. They know about us, but we don’t exist in their world.”  
“What?” Russell leaned forward. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that...” Craig sighed heavily. “I don’t know everything, of course. I only know what my aunt Barbara told me, and she only knows what my mum and dad told her. But apparently my dad was.... he’d been a bad boy in his younger years. And I mean like... drugs and theft kind of bad. Petty crimes, and stoushes, but lots of those. But then one day he woke up in the morning with police at the place and his girlfriend dead on the bed next to him because she had overdosed. And with one thing and another, he ended up in jail. Not for a long time, but apparently that gave him the wake-up call he needed. He was a text-book lost cause, you know... dropped out of school, hung out with the wrong guys... all that. But when he got jailed he realised that this was what his life would be if he didn’t do something. So he got his high school degree and got a training position and became a mechanic.”

Here Craig looked up with a crooked grin.

“Yeah, I got that from him. He taught me, you know, and I could change a spark plug before I could write my name. He also had a bike, and he had promised me he’d take me on a ride when I was old enough... but it never happened.”

Craig looked at his hands again.

“But that’s where he met Mum. In the garage where he worked, and she was a customer. He was... he probably wasn’t as huge as I remember him, but the pictures... he was a mountain of a man, with a shaved head and piercings and tattoos everywhere... but it must have been love at first sight, that’s what Aunt Barbara said. And when she came home with him the first time, her parents just threw her out and she had just about enough time to get her important stuff before they chucked everything she had owned. I know from Aunt Barbara that they sent them a card when I was born, but they never replied. They weren’t even there at the funeral.”

He looked up and wiped his eyes, his face a mix of anger and grief. “Her own daughter, and they weren’t even there at her funeral!”

“How can anyone be like this,” Matt whispered. He looked as stricken as everyone else; quite obviously it was the first time he heard the details to that story as well.  
Craig looked up at him, his lips pressed tightly together. “Sorry I never told you... I just hate talking about it.”  
“You don’t have to apologize,” Matt replied gently. “I don’t have the right to know everything in your life even though I’m your friend.”

Craig shrugged and looked back at the dog tags. “Anyway. They didn’t care. They still don’t. And if I ever see them I’m going to spit into their ugly faces.”

For a moment, Craig sounded like a hurt little boy, which was absolutely understandable. Even seventeen years later hose memories were clearly still haunting him.

Wiping the back of one hand across his eyes, Craig loosened his grip around the dog tags, and ran a thumb over the small silver heart.

“And was that your mum’s?” Emma asked as gently as she could.

Craig mutely shook his head, and it took him a while to answer. “No,” he finally said huskily. “That was Carla’s.”

A few dismayed looks were exchanged between the people sitting around the fire, and now Janice draped an arm around Craig’s shoulders. Craig leaned against her and closed his eyes.

“My sister,” he finally said in a scratchy voice. “Carla was my baby sister. It was her birthday present... but she never got it.”

Emma bit her lips and wiped her eyes, and she swallowed hard before she could say anything. “God, Craig... did she... was she... was she killed too?”

Craig shook his head and opened his eyes again, but he wasn’t looking at anyone. “No. No, she wasn’t. But I... I have no idea if she’s still alive, if she’s okay... I don’t even know where she is.”

“What?” Russell looked around and shook his head. “How?”

Craig swallowed, wiped his hand across his eyes again and straightened up.

“See, it’s because... my aunt, she was... as I said, she was living in Brisbane, and her husband had just lost his job, and they had two boys of their own. They had lost their house and had to move into a small flat and... and she just couldn’t take both of us. She is my godmother, so she took me. And Cally...” Craig gritted his teeth so hard that his cheekbones protruded. “She went with Tom. He was my dad’s best friend, like a brother, they all said, and he’s her godfather. So she went and lived with him.”

Craig wiped his face again, and his voice broke as he went on. “I promised... I promised them at the funeral... I promised Mum and Dad that I would take care of her! And they took her away, and I couldn’t! I couldn’t... and then she was gone!”  
Emma was losing the fight against her own tears. “Craig, you were just a boy. They... they would have known. They wouldn’t have wanted for you to take on that responsibility.”  
Craig looked up at her with tears on his cheeks. “But I promised...”

By that time there wasn’t a single pair of dry eyes left.

“I just... I remember, at the airport... we were just screaming and wouldn’t let go of each other, but they wouldn’t...” Craig broke off and shook his head.  
“But...” Danny said with a helpless shrug. “Why didn’t they put you in foster care together?”  
“I don’t know!” Craig dragged the back of his hands across his nose. “I don’t fucking know! Probably because it was cheaper that way. Or they didn’t have one. I don’t know. I had to go to Brisbane with Aunt Barbara, and she stayed with Tom in Auckland.”

Janice took one of Craig’s hands, and he looked at the little heart again.

“We wrote, and we mailed, and we had video chats on Skype, but we just always cried. I just wanted to go home to Auckland, and I kept begging Aunt Barbara and Uncle Rob to take Cally too, and they just kept saying they couldn’t. I mean...” He swallowed. “I know now they couldn’t, but back then... I just hated them too. And my grandparents... I hate them most. They sent presents to Mike and Tim, for Christmas and their birthdays, but never to me. My aunt always bought extra presents for me so I wouldn’t get less than them, but it just... it wasn’t the same, of course. I fucking hate them. And I know that Aunt Barbara almost broke up with them as well... but we just didn’t exist for them.”

“How can you be like that...” Sandy, Marvin’s girlfriend, was just shaking her head with tears on her cheeks. “How can you?”  
“I don’t know,” Janice replied when Craig didn’t say anything. “I don’t understand. I just hope they’re sitting somewhere and die of regret, but I somehow doubt they feel anything. I don’t know how anyone can be so cold.”

A seagull swooped past overhead with mournful shrieks, and Craig opened his eyes again.

“It went on for three years, and then suddenly things looked better because Uncle Rob got a new job in Auckland and we could all go home. But when we got here... when we got here, she was gone. They were gone.” Craig kept shaking his head. “So I know Tom wasn’t a Kiwi, but he married a woman from Auckland. And from what we found out she had been cheating on him, and she had never liked having Cally anyway. He had adopted her, and she had his name and everything, and after... after whatever happened... he filed for divorce, and then he just fucked off. Back to Europe. And he took Cally with him. And when we finally found his ex, she didn’t know and didn’t give a flying fuck about where he went.”

“But...” Russell was kneading his fingers as he spoke. “You did try to find her, right?”

“Of course I fucking did!” Craig stared at him while wiping his eyes. “For years! But I didn’t know where they went, and she had his name too, so good luck finding a Carla Jensen in Europe! I tried everything, I tried Facebook, and Twitter, and tumblr, and everything, but it just never got anywhere.” He shrugged and dropped his head. “She’s gone. She’s just gone. I stopped looking, you know. She was seven, and now she’s twenty-two, and she’s been gone for more than half of her life. She’s a woman now and she has her life, and she probably hasn’t forgotten me, but I’m just a memory from... from long ago. She’s not my baby sister Cally anymore. I probably wouldn’t even recognise her if we ran into each other in Albert Park. It’s better this way.”

“I don’t think it is,” Janice said softly while running her fingers through Craig’s hair. “But I don’t know what to do either.”

“But Craig...” Russell began cautiously. “What if she has been looking for you?”  
“Why would she?” Craig didn’t look at him anymore. “Seriously, Russell, why would she? She is three years younger than me, and she remembers even less. So why... why?”  
“I don’t know, but I can’t imagine she doesn’t care,” Russell replied. “I lost my mum when I was five, and I sure as fuck haven’t forgotten neither her nor the cruel asshole that was my stepfather. A trauma like that isn’t just a memory. I mean... come on, you’re the prime example. It never lets you go.”

Now Craig did look up, and he blinked several times to clear his eyes. Russell didn’t even try to fake a smile, and for a long moment the two looked at each other. Then Craig swallowed and shook his head, but he sat up again and wiped his hand across his eyes again.

“But... and how?” He asked then. “I tried everything. Why should it be better now than it was seven years ago?”  
“I don’t know,” Russell replied. “But I... I think I... maybe I could help you. I still got Facebook friends in Europe, you know? From when I was in Norway. Two guys from Norway, two girls from England and Ireland, respectively, and a girl from Germany. If I put it onto my Facebook and ask them to share it, then maybe...” He broke off and shrugged. “It would be in Europe, at least. I don’t know if it works. But maybe... maybe there’s a chance.”

Craig looked down, and then he slipped the necklace over his head. He closed his hand around the dog tags and sighed, then looked up at Russell again.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t... I have to think about it.”  
“Of course,” Russell replied. “It’s just... it’s just an offer.”  
Craig nodded with an unsuccessful attempt at a smile. “Thanks. Honestly.”  
Russell smiled at him. “It’s okay.”  
“And sorry for ruining your party.”  
“Nonsense.” Russell shook his head. “The party was last night. And now we have a coffee, and then we pack, and tidy up, and then we all go home and have a shower. And then we meet in the studio later today and pretend we’re doing a practise session.”

This time there was a smile on Craig’s face, but he didn’t say anything anymore until they said goodbye as they were ready to leave.

* * *

They met again at four that afternoon in the studio, and this time Craig had taken Janice along. Holding on to her hand he very hesitantly approached Russell who brushed a few hairs back from his face as he straightened up.

“Russ, I...” Craig cleared his throat and Janice squeezed his hand. “I sent you an email. With... with a picture.”  
“Okay,” Russell said cautiously. “So you want to do this.”  
“Yes.” Craig exchanged a look with Janice before looking back at Russell. “For the last time. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll have to let it go.”  
“I’ll do what I can,” Russell replied and rested one hand against Craig’s arm. “I’ll just keep telling people to share this.”

Craig nodded and let go of Janice’s hand because Russell stepped forward to hug him. They held on to each other for a moment.

“Thank you,” Craig whispered. “Thank you for doing this.”  
“I haven’t done anything yet,” Russell replied and stepped back. “I just hope it will work. And then maybe that disaster in Norway will have been good for something.”

It wasn’t much of a practise session that afternoon of course, but they did play a few songs because they had their drummer along this time. No one said anything to Craig about him playing far below his usual skill.

Once home, Russell immediately headed for his laptop to check his emails. Danny followed him, and leaned forward and rested his hands on the desk.

The two looked at the picture of a family on a sunny, beautiful day at Mission Bay Beach. Craig hadn’t exaggerated; his father really had been a mountain of a man, and his doubtlessly normally proportioned wife seemed tiny and delicate next to her massive husband who was covered in tattoos and piercings.

The two red-haired children had clearly taken after their mother, and it was hard to recognise Craig in the little boy who was looking at the camera with the silliest grin he had been able to produce. The little girl next to him was bearing a gap-toothed grin as well, her curly ginger hair all over the place. The picture had been taken less than two months before the catastrophe.

“It’s not fair,” Russell whispered and wiped his eyes. “It’s just not fair.”  
Danny rested one of his hands on Russell’s. “I know. And all they had left was each other, and they got even that taken away. It’s just cruel.”  
Russell wiped his hand across his eyes again. “I will find her,” he said and swallowed. “I will post this a million times if I have to. I just want... I want to find her.”  
“Let’s just hope for the best,” Danny said softly.

Russell tensed and bit his lip. “And what if something happened to her?”  
“We deal with that when we have to,” Danny said and pulled over a chair from the dining table. “For now we assume she’s fine and living somewhere in Europe, and that one of your Facebook friends knows someone who knows someone who knows her.”

Russell rolled his shoulders and huffed out a heavy breath, and together the two composed a post with a much condensed version of events, and that they were looking for the woman who had been Carla O’Connor more than a decade ago and on the other side of the world.

They looked at the post on Russell’s timeline for a long time, pretending not to wait for the first share or like, but eventually Russell forced himself to close the laptop so they could go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Cliché 101 Side Character Gets A Tragic Backstory. It’s not my fault; it’s because mayyourbeardnevergrowthin on tumblr threw the picture of a beautiful red-haired woman onto my dash and the first thing I thought was ‘hey, that’s Craig’s sister!’ and then I was ‘brain no’, and my brain was ‘brain yes!’ and here we are.
> 
> The picture in question as facial reference for Carla is in the [cast list](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/2Steps_Cast).


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can laugh at me all you want, but you can now buy Jormungand merchandise in my [redbubble shop](https://www.redbubble.com/people/lakritzwolf/works/23567887-jormungand?asc=u).

Between exams, work, and as many practise session as they could fit into their schedules, Russell and Danny made it through October and examination period. But despite Danny not being one to brag, he did show his results to the other band members, after some gentle prodding on Russell’s side. And unsurprisingly, the others were so impressed about those grades that they threw Danny an instant-party in their favourite pizza place and the Watering Hole afterwards. 

The two were far from sober when they came home that night, and gave up lovemaking as a lost cause. But since it was a Friday night, they made good use of the free morning the next day. 

“We have to treat you, somehow,” Russell said as they left the bathroom again after a very extended shower.   
“Treat?” Danny stopped towelling his hair and shook his head to get the moist strands out of his face. “As in?”  
“I don’t know.” Russell stepped closer and rested his hand on Danny’s hips. “You deserve a treat.”  
“Hmm.” Danny lowered his eyelids. “I just had a very nice treat. Or isn’t good sex a nice treat?”  
“I’d say it is,” Russell replied and leaned closer to brush his lips down Danny’s neck.   
“Then what else do you think I need?”  
“I don’t know,” Russell replied and nuzzled Danny’s ear. “Make a wish?”

Danny chuckled and ran his hands down Russell’s back. “You know I’m not good at this.”  
Russell hummed against Danny’s skin and smiled. “I do. And I do have a few ideas.”  
“Then why don’t you go with those?”

Russell leaned back again with a deep sigh. “Because... because the things I can think of is nothing I’d just buy for you.”  
Danny tucked a few strands of hair behind his ears. “And... why not?”  
“Because they...” Russell ran his hands up and down Danny’s arms. “They have to do with sexual fantasies.”

Danny tensed a bit, and Russell’s smile turned wistful. “See, that’s what I mean.” He rested his hands on Danny’s shoulders. “I just want you to know that I’m ready when you are, but just... I know you, buying stuff and then dropping it onto your pillow is... not a good idea.”

After a pause in which the two just looked at each other, Danny finally shook his head, but with a very gentle smile. 

“No, I don’t think it would be,” he said and cleared his throat. “But maybe... maybe we could look. Together.”  
“That sounds great.” Russell brushed Danny’s lips with his. “So how do you feel about sofa, coffee, pillows, blankets, and a laptop?”  
“What?” Danny tilted his head. “Now?”  
“If you want.” Russell reached out and toyed with a strand of Danny’s hair. “It’s meant as a treat, you know? Not an obligation.”

Since Danny still had his hands on Russell’s back he just needed a tug to pull him close and into a kiss. When they parted he immediately closed his arms around Russell to pull him close, and with a sigh, he buried his face in Russell’s hair. 

“Hey...” Russell combed his fingers through Danny’s still moist hair. “I didn’t mean to... I didn’t mean to push you.”  
“You didn’t,” Danny muttered into his hair. “Not at all.”

Then Danny leaned back and rested his hands on Russell’s cheek before touching his forehead against Russell’s. 

“You didn’t push,” he said again. “I’m just happy you know me so well, that you... that you know when to bring things up because I can’t bring myself to say them.”  
Russell slung his arms around Danny and crossed his hands at the back of Danny’s head. “That makes two of us,” he said gently. “And aren’t we two happy blokes?”

Danny chuckled and leaned back after dropping a kiss onto Russell’s forehead. “I think your idea sounds really good,” he said and stepped back.   
“Coffee, sofa, pillows, and a laptop?”

Danny nodded and tried to smile. 

“Hey.” Russell stepped closer again. “You don’t...”  
“No. And yes.” Danny sighed angrily and combed his hair out of his face again. “It’s just so... frustrating. I really... I really want to enjoy this, you know? Just thinking about it now turns me on like fuck, and I just want... I just want to be comfortable talking about it. It’s... oh fuck.” He dropped his arms with an angry sigh and turned around to head for the chest of drawers where they kept their underwear.

“I’m sure you can be,” Russell said calmly. “You will. I mean, you couldn’t bring yourself to give head for a long time, and your backdoor was off limits for even longer. So... there’s no pressure whatsoever. You’ll get there.”

Danny closed the drawer again and turned around, clutching the boxer shorts in one hand. He sighed, but this time the smile was there. He shook his head, walked back to Russell again and rested the other hand on Russell’s cheek. 

“I love you,” he said softly.  
“Love you too.” Russell slung his arms around Danny’s neck again. “So it’s a good thing we’re getting married, right?”

Danny snorted and pulled Russell into a rib-cracking hug that squeezed the breath out of him. They chuckled as they parted and shared another kiss, and then proceeded to get dressed. 

In comfy clothes and equipped with coffee they built a nest of pillows and blankets on the sofa, and after getting comfortable in there, Russell opened his laptop. They snuggled together, their eyes on the screen, and Danny rested his head on Russell’s shoulder.

* * *

The following week was packed with as much practice as the band could possibly put together. The party was that Saturday, and now they met every single evening in the studio. As opposed to the last time Danny had been there for a lot of the sessions so he didn’t have as much catching up to do, but this time they were doing nine of their own numbers plus two or three Metallica covers, depending on how well it all went. 

Axl saw no reason to change a running system and offered his company van again, although at this point the band began to contemplate the possibilities of having their own van and if it was doable sharing the costs for one. They filed that away as a future project though and focussed on the concert for now. 

As last time, they had to be there at four for the sound check, and after that had to kill their time until the party started. 

Beth was biting her nails and she also was a little pale around the nose. She was the only one who hadn’t been on stage so far, a proper stage that is. She had played with one band but never on a real stage, just on a few pub gigs that hadn’t had an audience of more than maybe twenty to thirty people. She kept hiding in Matt’s embrace and tried not to freak out. 

The others, especially Emma, managed to calm her down again and Emma kept feeding her chocolate and jet planes to distract her. But after the initial almost-panic during the sound check Beth began to calm down again. She was still terribly nervous, but she did her best to put on a brave smile. 

The concert started with Blackjack Beat, the AC/DC cover band that had also played last year. They had a new lead guitar though, and this guy didn’t try to take over the stage and pretend to be Angus. He did a bit of a duck walk now and then, but otherwise focussed on playing, and he did a damn good job. 

No More Faith and Obsidian also played, and since they were both rather big gigs for such a small venue, Jormungand had some serious competition. But they had scored with the audience last year even with only three numbers; otherwise Cornell wouldn’t have booked them in again, pissed off as he had been last year. 

The act before them was about to end, the band having been stopped from playing another encore, and Jormungand was getting ready to rock. They watched the techies clear the stage and set Danny’s drum kit in place, assisted by the drummer himself to make sure everything went smoothly. Once that was achieved, the others hopped up the stairs and waved cheerfully at the audience. As last time, crazy Craig was there and played cheerleader, hollering at the top of his lungs. 

“Hello,” Russell said into the microphone and winced because it produced somewhat of a feedback. “Maybe some of you remember us from last year... we are Jormungand, and we will play some Viking metal for you.” 

He stepped back and adjusted his guitar, then lifted one arm. That was Danny’s cue and he tapped his sticks together to give them the count of four. 

They started with the battle prayer, and as soon as she started playing, Beth visibly began to relax and get into the flow. Their sound was so much better now, so much fuller and more alive with one more guitar and all the practice, that it had a visible and audible effect on the audience. Not that they could see much from the stage under the bright lights, but what was visible was a mass of people jumping and clapping their hands. 

The winter song didn’t have the people jump, of course, but a lot of glow sticks and phone screens turned the audience into a sea of small droplets of light waving back and forth in time to the music. And despite being so nervous in the beginning, Beth as a Valkyrie owned the stage. 

Their adaptation of the Metallica songs were a huge success as well, to judge by the reaction of their audience, particularly the female ones whose voices were especially loud after Craig had finished. The hottie on the bass with the biggest female fan base seemed to become a feature of Jormungand as well now.  
Craig was visibly glowing when the female parts of the audience wouldn’t stop cheering as he stepped back from the microphone. 

They had timed themselves countless times during practise, and now it worked out exactly the way they wanted it to; their last song ended two minutes before the end of their allotted time on stage. They didn’t have time for encores, but that was as well as they didn’t have another song in store anymore. 

But listening to the people in the audience chant _Jormungand! Jormungand!_ until long after they had left the stage had them all on a high. They were all grinning like idiots, giving each other high-fives and hugs and backslaps. 

But no event runs without at least one thing going to pot, or rarely so, and it was no different this time. The band was packing away instruments, still laughing and grinning and telling each other how fantastic they all had been, when the dull thud and crash of a falling drum made them all freeze. 

Danny’s face lost all colour as he jumped up the stage stairs, but his kit was still there and two stage techies were just about to dismantle it. But behind the stage, a howl of despair left no doubt that there was another drummer whose heart had just been shattered along with whatever part of his kit had been destroyed. 

Cornell had just started to congratulate the band for their performance when it happened, and his face fell as a vein on his temple began to throb. He turned around to look into the matter when the members of the other band came running around the corner, all in panic and all shouting at once. 

The two techies who had seriously fucked up felt visibly sorry for everyone involved, but most of all themselves. Cornell was doing his ‘bull-about-to-charge’ impression again, and everyone fell silent for a moment.

“What the fuck am I going to do now?” The drummer of the other band yelled then. “What, huh? Fuck!!”  
“You’ll be reimbursed for that, don’t worry.” After impaling the two roadies with his glare Cornell pinched the bridge of his nose with a groan. “Oh for god’s sake...”  
“And how are we going to play like this? You gotta do something!!”  
Cornell dropped his hand again. “I can’t pull a drum kit out of my nose now, can I?”

One of the other musicians stepped forward, arms spread wide. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re ruining us! This was to be our first real gig!”

Russell and Danny exchanged a look, then Danny took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders. He stepped forward and tapped Cornell’s shoulder.

“What.” Cornell looked at him with the air of someone who can’t be bothered with whatever nonsense was to come.  
“Just saying,” Danny said. “If that guy promises me to behave, then he can use my kit.”

The four band members all stared at Danny, and the drummer seemed close to tears.

“Seriously?” He asked.  
Danny stepped forward and thrust out his chin a little bit. “If I see you do something stupid I go up there and drag you down the stage,” he said. “She’s my baby and-”  
“And what do you think I’d do? Wreck it just for shits and giggles?” The other drummer gritted his teeth. “That kit is brand new, and those fuckers just broke the bass drum! Fuck!”

Danny sighed and patted the other drummer’s arm with a compassionate shake of his head. “That sucks. I’m sorry. But yeah... you can have your gig, at least.”  
“Thanks,” the other drummer said, trying to calm down again. “I’m Noah, by the way. We’re Intensity.”  
“Danny,” Danny said. “And I guess you heard we’re Jormungand.

The two shook hands, but after letting go slapped the inside of each other’s forearm before stepping back. 

“Go on,” Danny said. “Rock that stage, but behave.”  
“You’re a lifesaver, man,” Noah said and shook his head. “I so owe you for this.”

“Can we postpone the sentimentalities, please!” Cornell clapped his hands. “We’re on a schedule!”

Cornell now hurried to the stage to stop the techies from removing Danny’s kit, and Intensity got ready to get on stage. It was clear that the incident had blown them a bit off course. 

“Hey,” Russell said and straightened up after snapping his guitar case shut. “You got this. You will rock that stage, okay? Just use Danny’s kit as a good luck charm.”

Noah and Danny did a fist-bump as Intensity headed towards the stage, and Danny watched him as he walked toward his kit. He sat down, pushed and tugged here and there, and did a quick drum roll before hitting the cymbals one by one and tapping the bass drum a few times. He adjusted things a bit more, then looked back towards the stage entrance. 

Danny gave him a thumbs-up, a gesture that Noah returned, and then the stage lights went on. 

The lead singer adjusted his microphone and looked over his shoulder at his drummer. “Okay so... sorry for the delay, but there was an accident backstage that involved our drum kit. Lucky for us, Danny from Jormungand let us borrow his kit. Let’s hear it for him!”

The audience cheered and clapped, and yelled the chorus of _Danny! Danny! Danny!_ a few times. 

Behind the stage where Jormungand was picking up instruments to carry them back to the van, Danny rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and cleared his throat.

“Seems Danny has a fan base now too,” Emma said and nudged Danny in the ribs.  
“Fuck off,” Danny muttered, but he had a goofy little grin on his face. 

Intensity played solid rock, nothing special, but it was clear that they were a good team and had fun while playing. They were good; they didn’t have anything that stuck out but they played real good music. 

While the others now loaded the van Danny had a look at Noah’s kit. The techies had managed to drop the bass drum real stupid; the drumheads were burst and the pedal had broken off.

“Will he live, doctor?” Russell asked, walking up to him.  
Danny snorted and straightened up again. “Yeah, I think it’s salvageable. I can’t say for sure in this light, but the drum itself doesn’t seem damaged, so he would only need a new pedal and new drumheads. Let’s hope for the best. I’m just glad it wasn’t mine.”  
“Everyone would be.” Russell ran a hand down Danny’s back. “And it would’ve broken my heart as well if that had been your baby.”  
Danny exhaled long and hard. “Shit, I don’t even want to think about that.”

“Come on,” Russell said and slapped him between the shoulders. “We got some more music to enjoy. And I desperately want to have a beer with you now.”  
“Only with me?” Danny asked with one raised eyebrow.   
“Oh, the others too.” Russell winked. “But I’m kind of craving your company right now.”  
Danny raised the other eyebrow as well.  
“You know.” Russell let his hand wander down, but since Danny was wearing his coat again, he couldn’t really squeeze his butt. “Bide the time until we’re somewhere private.”

Danny blinked, and then his facial expression turned into that terrible dark smirk again that made Russell swallow.

“Noted,” Danny said and reciprocated the gesture. “Now let’s get drunk.”

Danny however postponed getting drunk so he could supervise the techies getting his kit off stage, and once it was all stowed safely away in the van he went to join the others. 

The guys from Intensity had found them by then, and Noah flung his arms around Danny’s neck with a whoop of joy as soon as he spotted him. Danny grinned and patted his back, and after they parted, Danny told Noah that he had had a look at his kit. Noah however had done so as well, and both of them were more than happy that the bass drum wasn’t irreparably damaged. 

The members of Jormungand and Intensity simply continued to hang out, and all ten of them partied together to celebrate their gigs until Cornell switched off the lights on them.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I better add a trigger warning: **This chapter contains verbal, unapologetic homophobia.**

After the huge success of their concert, the band took a break from having to practice until fingers and arms were sore, but they met a few times in Westmere that week. Occasionally Emma would complain about being the odd one out now, especially when Janice was around as well, but Matt usually just lifted his other arm since Beth didn’t have any problem whatsoever with Emma using Matt as a body pillow. And since everyone involved was okay with this, none of the others batted an eyelid.

They did a practise session that Saturday however, the weekend after the concert, to avoid getting rusty even though they had no idea when their next gig would be. They were still riding on the high of a successful performance, and kept telling each other how awesome this or that bit had been, and ‘did you hear the people scream when Craig was finished’ and ‘that solo went down like a lightning’ and so on.

With exams over Danny played houseman again, and Russell enjoyed the luxury of not having to do much housework after coming home from work. To keep himself entertained Danny found more challenging recipes for dinner, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t. The latter rarely had to do with his cooking skills though but the recipe, and now he was also learning to judge the edibility of a recipe by reading it. 

It was on Wednesday that week that Russell’s phone rang as he, Allan, and Henry were about to close the shop. He glanced at the screen but just as he was about to cancel he saw the caller ID. He picked the phone up with trembling fingers.

“Can I take this, please?”

Henry looked up from the till, saw his facial expression, and nodded with a mildly worried frown. 

Russell took the call and hurried towards the tea kitchen. “Yes, Russell Johnson.... hello, Mr Cornell.”

Henry flinched at the whoop of joy coming from the kitchen and Allan almost dropped his keys. 

“Well,” Allan said after locking the door. “Seems like it wasn’t bad news after all.”  
Henry shook his head. “It sounded like he just won the lottery.”  
“He looks like it, too,” Allan replied with a chuckle as Russell stormed out of the kitchen with a grin so broad that it was about to split his head in half. 

“Hey, um...” Russell was totally out of breath, his face flushed, and his eyes were shining like a child’s on Christmas. “Just give me a second and I’ll be there.”

He quickly typed a message while Allan and Henry exchanged a smile.

* * *

When Russell and Danny arrived in Westmere that evening, everyone else was already there, but no one knew why. Russell had just called an emergency meeting without going into details. 

“So,” Matt said after they had all gathered in the sofa area. “Should we get some drinks to celebrate, or to drown our sorrows?”

Russell grinned so brightly that the others exchanged cautious smiles. 

“Right so,” he began. “So I did know that Cornell’s agency is also doing lots of other ventures, but I didn’t know he’s also involved in the Auckland Summer Square and-”  
“What?” Emma squealed. “WHAT?!”  
“He called me earlier, that’s why we had to meet!” Russell combed his hair back with his fingers, his grin impossibly wide as he looked around and at his friends and band members who were all staring at him with wide eyes. “Another band cancelled and we’re in!”

This was followed by a second of stunned silence before all hell broke loose. They were howling in joy and laughing and embracing and slapping each other’s back, and even though it was a weekday Craig got some beers from the fridge so they could toast.

This would open them a whole lot of options they hadn’t even dared to think about before. For one, the money they would earn for this gig would be a substantial amount, which would also go into a savings account instead of being split between them to be spent. From the first concert they had bought the sideboard and tea and coffee equipment, and together with the money from Russell’s terminated savings account, also a carpet for the studio, or rather several carpet rests that they had pieced together. It looked like crap, but it had improved the acoustics of the place. 

But the money they would earn with this was a good bit more than what they had earned before, and since Russell still had some of his money, they now began debating getting a van in earnest. It wasn’t enough of course, but if they now were able to land a few more gigs of that size, they could go and find an old rustbucket that they could whip into shape since they had a mechanic at hand.

In addition to that there was the publicity this would bring them. The Auckland Summer Square was a big thing, and if there was one event to boost their popularity, it would be this one.

They immediately laid down another practise schedule since they had only three weeks left. First session was the following Sunday, since it was the sixtieth birthday of Danny’s father that Saturday and both Russell and Danny were invited, but they were all confident because of their success of their last concert.

That evening, after they had gone to bed, Russell kept staring at the ceiling with an incredulous grin. 

“I can’t believe it,” he whispered. “I can’t... we’re actually doing this...”  
“We are.” Danny moved closer and slid under Russell’s blanket. “It’s...” He huffed.  
“It’s... I can’t... we’re making it, right?” Russell turned his head. “We’re really making it.”  
“Looks like it,” Danny replied and smiled. 

Neither of them could think of anything to say, but they didn’t have to. It wasn’t reality yet, far from it, but the Auckland Festival was no longer a distant dream.

* * *

“How formal is this?” Russell asked in mild despair as he was staring into the wardrobe.  
“Not at all,” Danny said and buttoned up his jeans. “Just don’t wear a band shirt and a flannel and you’re fine.”

Russell sighed and kept staring into the wardrobe, desperate to make another good impression with Danny’s family, and in the end he chose a pair of black jeans and a grey dress shirt. He had two of those, because Anders ‘had needed to make sure his son could make himself presentable even if he wasn’t around’ and bought them for him, together with a waistcoat and a tie.

“Looking good,” Danny said who was wearing black jeans as well, but only a black T-shirt.  
“Am I overdressed?” Russell asked and looked down at himself.  
“Nah, you’re fine.” Danny smiled at him and flicked an imaginary speck of dust from Russell’s collar. “Looking really good. Probably makes them think what you see in a grunge like me.”

Russell cocked one eyebrow and looked back into the mirror. They both had their hair in neat ponytails; Russell was also freshly shaved and Danny had trimmed his beard and the goatee into shape.

“Grunge?” Russell asked then.  
“You know my family. So look at me and ask yourself that again.”  
Russell snorted and shook his head. “You’re gorgeous and they’re jealous.”  
Now Danny snorted too, but louder.

Then their eyes met in the mirror, and they grinned at each other.

* * *

They started the day with a nice brunch, but for now it were only Danny’s parents, Danny’s aunt Lara with her husband George, and her daughter Emily with her husband Liam. Emily was heavily pregnant now as her due date was in four to five weeks, and while quite a bit of the talk was about babies Danny’s mother didn’t contribute much, for obvious reasons. 

Russell, Danny, and his Aunt Lara helped Dorothy in the kitchen to get everything ready for the guests. Roger, Liam and George were arranging tables and chairs inside and in the garden. 

At one point Russell made a cup of tea and carried that into the living room where Emily was sitting on the sofa with her feet on a stack of pillows. She thanked Russell with a warm smile and Russell sat down next to her, his eyes on her belly. 

“You look really sick and tired of this,” he said with a smile.  
“You have no idea,” Emily sighed.  
“Oh, I have six younger cousins,” Russell replied. “The oldest is fourteen and the youngest almost three. And I remember my aunties were always complaining when they were this far along.”  
“I certainly wouldn’t mind it being Christmas already,” Emily said and adjusted her position. “I’d like to see my feet again.”

Russell nodded with a compassionate smile, then he looked at the bump again. “Can I say hi to the baby?”  
Emily’s smile softened. “Of course.”  
Russell cautiously rested one hand on her belly. “Hello in there?”

He was rewarded with a nudge against his palm. 

Now Emily chuckled. “You’re good with babies?”  
“I love babies,” Russell replied and looked up at her with a small grin. “I used to babysit a lot. So if you need an evening off at some point, I know how a diaper works.”  
Emily laughed softly and rested one hand on her belly. “I keep it in mind.”

Then Russell got up again and looked over his shoulder into the direction of the kitchen. “Just holler if you need anything.”  
“Will do, thank you, Russell. You’re sweet.”

Russell smiled at her again and headed back to the kitchen to see if they needed another pair of hands. 

He helped Dorothy with laying the table and setting up the cakes and other baked goods, and it didn’t take long for the first guests to arrive. The average age of this party was rather high; most of the guests were of Dorothy’s and Roger’s age or older, although a few various sons and daughters had also come. 

Dorothy had made two large and impressive gateaux, and a cake and various cookies and biscuits with sweetener for those guests who had to watch their weight or were diabetics. Apparently there were a few of the latter in Roger’s family.

Equipped with a platter of a selection of those cookies and biscuits Russell made a round through the garden, and the living and dining area, where he found two ladies who were Roger’s older cousins. They were sisters, both widowed, and he had been advised to be very cautious and polite around them because they could be really unpleasant. They had been invited because they were close family and that’s what you do, but neither Roger nor Dorothy had been particularly pleased about it.

“Hello,” he said with a smile. “Can I tempt you with one of Dorothy’s cookies or two? They’re suitable for diabetics.”

“Who are you again?” One of them said without smiling back.  
Being used to the occasional rude customer and Ridgeway on top of it, Russell’s smile didn’t waver. “My name is Russell, I’m Daniel’s boyfriend.”

One of the two ladies had been about to reach for the cookies, but stopped when she heard the word boyfriend. She withdrew her hand and gave Russell a look of contempt. 

“Huh,” she said and shook her head. “I thought he was Sarah’s boyfriend. What a shame.”  
“Poor Roger,” the other said without looking at Russell. “Only one son, and then he turns out like this.”

Now Russell smile did waver. He knew that Danny’s family from his father’s side was conservative and didn’t approve of Danny at all, but he hadn’t expected such open hostility.

“And poor Dorothy,” the first one said. “Feeling obliged to invite him.”  
“Her boy probably dragged him along,” her sister replied. “And Dorothy doesn’t have the heart to tell him to go. It’s a disgrace.” Then she looked at Russell. “You really shouldn’t be here.”

Russell had no idea how to handle this situation, so he muttered an apology and fled. Having arrived in the kitchen he put the platter down and tried to calm his breathing. 

At that moment Dorothy entered the kitchen as well. “Oh, Russell,” she said cheerfully. “Do you need more... Russell?” She hurried to his side. “Russell, are you okay?”  
Russell looked up at her. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I’m really...”  
“What for?” Dorothy rested a hand on Russell’s upper arm. “What happened?”

Russell swallowed and shook his head while nervously licking his lips. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I shouldn’t have come, I didn’t mean to ruin this and I...”  
“Russell, what on earth are you talking about?” Dorothy’s eyes widened.

But before he could reply, they could hear the voices of the two old women, and they clearly had no problem with going at their cousin within hearing range of everyone else.

“Roger, really! Are you not the man in your own house anymore?”  
“...what?” Roger sounded more than puzzled.  
“Ach, we all know how you spoiled your son, and who can blame you, really? But to allow him to bring this...person to your birthday is a disgrace.”  
“What person?” Roger’s voice was calm. Very calm.  
“That boy who-”  
“Are you by chance talking about my future son-in-law?”

A small gasp was the only answer, and by that time Danny had reached the kitchen as well. He was instantly at Russell’s side, his face a mix of worry and anger. Russell shook his head and dragged a hand down his face.

“I’m sorry,” he said miserably. “I’m sorry I... I should have stayed at home...”  
“Russell...”  
“I didn’t mean to upset the peace in this family! Again!”  
Danny took both of his hands. “Russell, seriously.”

Danny exchanged a long, worried look with his mother, and with a heavy sigh he draped an arm around Russell’s shoulders.

“Come on,” he said. “Russell... Mum and Dad invited you.”  
“And we wouldn’t have done that if we didn’t want you here,” Dorothy added firmly.  
Russell shook his head again. “But now everything goes to pot because of me and-”  
“Nonsense,” Dorothy interrupted him gently. “And even if things were going to pot, then it wouldn’t be because of you but because of those,” she lowered her voice, “ugly old hags.”

A part of the conversation in the dining room had passed them by, but they could clearly hear Roger arguing with those two elderly cousins who now tried to use bible quotes against him. 

“I would never have thought you’d tolerate such sinful behaviour!”

“Jeez, are they getting religious now?” Danny muttered.

Russell closed his eyes. 

“Sinful behaviour?” Roger asked, still in a very calm voice.  
“A man shall not lie with another man!” The other hag was clearly as upset as the first one. “The scripture says so, and I thought you knew the word of god better than that!”  
“I know the word of god quite well, thank you very much,” Roger said and crossed his arms. “It says so in Leviticus. So do you expect me to stone my son and his fiancé to death, as it is written?”

Both of the sisters snorted, but for the moment, found nothing to say. 

“And as far as I remember,” Roger went on, “Leviticus contains many other regulations, and a lot of those are declared outdated. Like not being allowed to fat, for example. Since we’re not doing physical offerings to god anymore.”  
“That is outdated all right,” one of the sisters said firmly, but before she could say anything else, Roger went on, as calmly as if he was discussing their dinner menu.  
“And it also forbids spreading slander.”  
“Well, I’ll be-”  
“And mixing fabrics in clothing, so I guess that cotton-polyester dress you’re wearing is an abomination as well.”

A snicker came from the living room. The dress with its lilac sequins would be an abomination even without mixed fabrics.

“Now Roger, this is-”  
“And trimming one’s beard is also forbidden so...” He stroked his chin. “So do I have to do penance as well?”  
“You bloody well know it isn’t!” 

Both sisters were clearly fuming now while Roger didn’t move a muscle in his face.

Danny and his mother watched the ongoing with cautious smiles, while Russell stared at Roger and the two old ladies in abject horror. 

“And so is working on Sabbath,” Roger went on. “So I guess nurses, for example, will have a hard time going to heaven.”

And then Roger took a step forward, and the calmness in his voice was replaced by a barely concealed anger. The two ladies watched him with tight faces.

“And so is eating pork and shellfish,” Roger said darkly. “And permanently selling land. And a dozen other things that no longer apply to modern life, so why is it precisely this one that is still valid?”  
“Hah,” the one with the lilac sequins said and thrust out a finger at him. “As far as I remember you were more than upset about this when you found out.”  
“Yes, I was,” Roger replied. “But my son is the greatest blessing god has given me, and I shall not treat this gift like a piece of garbage not worthy of love. This hateful thinking is not what the message of Christ is about.”

Danny was holding Russell in a tight embrace, and Dorothy had one hand resting on Russell’s shoulder. Russell was tense and chewing his lips, while Danny and his mother were watching Roger with wide eyes. 

“Our Lord Jesus-”  
“Said nothing about a man loving another man.”  
“It’s the Holy Scripture and it says-”  
“I know what the Scripture says,” Roger said calmly. “I have two in my bookshelf. The bible may contain the word of god, but it was written by men, and men are fallible. And Jesus had a lot to say about the old laws, but nothing about homosexuality.”

“God will judge you, Roger Barnett,” Agatha said into the heavy silence that had followed Roger’s last words.  
“He will,” Roger replied and crossed his arms. “And he will judge you as well. And if you believe that because of this, my family lives in sin... well, I will not force you to stay any longer in this tainted household.”

Utterly scandalized, both Agatha and her sister gasped for air. 

“Are you throwing us out?”  
“No,” Roger replied. “I just can’t imagine you would want to stay, and I’ll gladly call you a taxi.”

“That will not be necessary,” a male voice came from the hallway.

Another elderly couple, also cousins of Roger, was already on their way to the door. 

“We have spare seats in our car,” the woman said haughtily. 

“Good day,” Roger said and inclined his head. 

Moments later, all four of them were out of the door. Roger looked at the door for another moment, then he turned around and headed for the kitchen, were both Danny and his mother were staring at him as if they had no idea who this man was. Russell was clinging to Danny and had to remind himself to breathe. 

Roger entered the kitchen, shaking his head. “Is there coffee?” 

Dorothy took a step towards him and rested a hand on his shoulder, and he closed his fingers around hers with a sigh. 

Danny blinked a few times as he stared at his father, and it took him a while to be able to speak.

“Dad?”  
His father huffed out a breath that might have been a chuckle. “You doubtlessly wonder what happened to this old man.”  
“I... do, actually.” Danny looked at Russell who was still very tense and silent.  
“Well, he looked beyond his own nose and remembered what is important in life.” Roger took a step towards his son and Russell. 

“I’m sorry,” Russell said, his voice trembling. “I didn’t want to upset the peace again and... I...”  
“You most certainly did nothing of the sort,” Roger said. “If anyone was upsetting the peace it were Sophie and Agatha.”  
“But...” Russell blinked a few times. “They are your family...”  
“So are you,” Roger replied calmly.

Russell froze, and Danny exhaled softly while pulling him closer.

“I have given you my blessings,” Roger said in a low voice. “And I meant it.”

Danny closed his eyes and swallowed, then looked at his father again. “And your... faith?”  
“If you use the bible in hate and contempt, to spread even more hate and contempt, you are using it wrong,” his father replied. 

Then he looked at Russell for a moment, his lips pressed tightly together. “I’m sorry it took me so long to see that what is between you and Daniel is a blessing, not a curse.” 

Helplessly groping for words, it took Russell a while before he was able to meet Roger’s eyes.  
Danny touched Russell’s temple with his forehead, a soft smile on his lips. Then he looked up again at his father. 

“And... um... what happens now?”

“Now?” Dorothy rolled her shoulders and inhaled deeply. “Now we all go and relax over tea or coffee, and some cake. I think we all need that now.”

That idea was met with general consensus, and the atmosphere began to loosen up again. On their way to the coffee table Emily walked past Russell and for a moment, rested her hand on his shoulder with a smile. Russell was able to smile back at her, and gallantly helped her with her chair as she sat down. 

Coffee and Dorothy’s amazing chocolate cake made everything better, and Russell felt almost completely restored after three pieces and four cups of coffee. Together with Danny he helped clear the table afterwards, and as he carried the last stack of plates into the kitchen, Dorothy was already putting on an apron. Smiling at Russell, she took another apron and offered it to him. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to help me with dinner,” she said. “I’m making roast chicken, and you mentioned that you’d like to learn it.”  
“Oh!” Russell quickly unbuttoned his cuffs and began rolling up his sleeves. “I’d love to!”

Neither Danny nor his father could taste a difference between Dorothy’s chicken and the one Russell had made. Russell was glowing with pride. 

“He’s a natural,” Danny said, giving Russell a love-sick smile. “He’s the best cook I know.”  
Russell blushed. “Present company excepted,” he said hastily to Danny’s mother, but she just laughed. 

Since they had planned on having wine with their dinner, and maybe a drink or two afterwards, Russell and Danny stayed overnight, in Danny’s old room. But when Russell came back after using the bathroom he found Danny hunched over sitting on the bed while staring at his feet. 

“Danny?” He sat down next to him and put an arm around him. “Hey...”  
“It just came crushing down...” Danny looked up, his face wet with tears. “You have no idea,” he whispered huskily. “You have no idea how this feels...”  
Russell leaned forward, pulled Danny close and placed a kiss onto his temple. “No,” he said softly into Danny’s hair. “No, I don’t. But it’s okay. It’s okay, I got you.”

He closed his arms around Danny and let himself sink back, and he ran his hand through Danny’s hair while he cried into his shoulder. Russell didn’t say a word and just let him get it all out, and he held him until Danny had fallen asleep.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I finally have Danny's parents where I wanted them to be since the middle of Two Volumes of one Book. Some things just take time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing about swimming in knives is a phrase I was allowed to borrow from one of [dragonsquill’s](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonsquill/pseuds/Dragonsquill) amazing stories. If you like Hobbit and especially Durincest, read her stories. She is an amazing writer, and I consider her one of my spiritual teachers.

Russell slept fitfully that night; he woke up several times after dreams that left him uncomfortable without him actually being able to remember them. He managed to fall asleep again every time after waking up though, maybe because he couldn’t actually remember what he had dreamed about. He had woken up at least three or four times, but even as he thought he would never fall asleep again, he dozed off after all.

_“And now I am going to get a haircut and see if I can fix things with my folks!”_

_“No! No! Danny, no!”_

_Danny walks away from him and Russell tries to follow, but he can’t reach him. He can barely keep up. He can only watch as Danny sits down in the chair, and he can hear the clippers buzzing. He is cold and his heart is hammering in his chest._

_Strands of black silky hair are floating all around him, and in panic he tries to collect them all... if he would find them all he could fix this, he could undo this... But they escape him, drifting in the wind, and they just fly from his fingers._

_A bare head and a bare face, Danny gets up and glares at him._

_“This is all your fault!”_

_Then he turns away, and there is a blond, pretty girl who takes his hand. Danny closes his fingers around hers and they turn away._

_“Danny, no!”_

_He is still trying to gather the hair although he knows he will never make it._

_“Danny, don’t go!”_

_Danny doesn’t look back, and walks away with the pretty girl. He is wearing brown trousers and a white shirt. She is wearing a pink dress with lilac sequins._

_“Danny, come back!”_

_He tries to follow but can’t move. He tries to scream at them to stop, but he can’t open his mouth._

Russell woke up with a jerk. He was close to tears and he hastily turned around to look at Danny who had his back to him. At least he hadn’t woken him up.

 _No... No, you don’t have to cut off your hair,_ he thought. Y _ou don’t have to change your clothes. You don’t have to marry a pretty girl. They love you. They do love you._

He couldn’t help it, he had to reach out and touch Danny’s hair that was flowing down the pillow. Danny turned onto his back with a hum; apparently he had woken him up after all.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Danny asked, his voice still husky from sleep.  
“I’m sorry,” Russell muttered. “I didn’t want to wake you up. I mean... it wasn’t a nightmare, just...”  
Danny turned around to face him and reached out to touch Russell’s cheek. “Come here,” he said softly.

Russell crawled into his embrace with a sigh.

“What was the dream about?”  
“I...”

Russell had a hard time just thinking about it, lest even talk about it.

“Shit,” Danny said after Russell had finished. “That’s a lot of issues for one dream.”  
Russell closed his eyes. “I know. It’s ridiculous.”  
“No, it’s not.” Danny combed his fingers through Russell’s hair. “I totally get where all that is coming from.” He breathed out a nervous chuckle. “I mean... fuck, I can’t really believe it...”

He paused, then he pulled Russell close.

“And I know that you know all this, but I think you need to hear it.” Danny cleared his throat. “Nothing and no one will ever get me to shave my head. Mum and Dad invited you and they preferred you over those two fucking harpies. Dad actually called you my fiancé and his future son-in-law. He stood up for me and you and our relationship in front of the whole family. I didn’t think he’d ever do that, but...”

His voice broke, and suddenly it was the other way round, Russell shifted his position and now it was him comforting Danny instead. Clearly, he was still overwhelmed by what had happened the day before, and he was clinging to Russell now as if it had been him with the nightmares.

Russell buried his face in Danny’s hair and inhaled the scent of herbal shampoo and Danny, and he knew they both would need some time to get this into their heads.

* * *

Neither Danny nor Russell was particularly well rested the next morning as they headed downstairs in search for breakfast. They were greeted by the smell of coffee and by Danny’s mother who surprised them with freshly baked rolls.

She immediately picked up on them being tired though and poured coffee with a slightly worried frown.

“Are you all right?” She asked her son after sitting down herself.  
“Yeah, I’m just...” Danny sighed. “I’ve been thinking so much about yesterday and I... I just... I would never have believed in a million years I’d hear Dad say all those things.”

His mother put a hand on one of Danny’s with a sad smile.

“It was hard for me to imagine as well,” Danny’s father said as he entered the dining room. He sat down opposite of Danny and reached for the coffee. “Not so long ago, in fact.”  
“I know.” Danny closed his fingers around his cup. “But... I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can’t say how happy I am about all this, but... why? And how?”

“Well.” His father cleared his throat. “It was because of what we talked about back then, when you discovered about your brother, and what we talked about when you came to us after you saw that baby die.”  
“Hmm.” Danny looked into his coffee. “To be honest, I didn’t expect you to say it back.”  
“I have to admit it wasn’t easy. I’ve never been good at talking like that.”  
Danny looked up with a wistful little smile. “I know.”

Roger sighed and shook his head.

“Dad...” Danny opened his hand, hesitated, then cautiously reached out to touch his father’s hand with his fingers. “I know. I mean... we never did much... talking. Not at all, I think.”  
“We did,” his mother replied. “But you were too small to remember it. I can’t count the number of times we told you how much we love you, when you were fighting for your life in an incubator. We didn’t say it anymore as you grew older because we thought you didn’t need to hear it, and later because we thought you didn’t want to hear it.” She looked at her hand with a sad shake of her head. “It was a mistake and...”  
“Mum, we’re not going there again,” Danny said as she looked up at him. “We said everything we needed to... I mean, saying the same things a million times won’t change anything. It’s okay.”  
“Or as okay as it gets, in our case.”  
“As okay as it gets,” Danny replied, and they exchanged a cautious smile. “Which is pretty okay, if you ask me now.”

After a pause, Danny looked at his father again. “What I still don’t get is... why you stood up like that to your family because... I honestly thought your faith would... um...” He broke off with a helpless shrug.  
“That wasn’t easy either,” his father replied heavily. “I did consult the bible a lot during that time. I read Leviticus and I read the gospels. But we... we wanted things to be better, at least, because we knew that we couldn’t just... undo it. And then we went and talked to Father Hamilton.”  
“I thought you couldn’t stand him?”

Roger and Dorothy exchanged a look and both of them sighed.

“We didn’t,” Dorothy replied. “We believed he was far too liberal, but when we found us in this awful conflict, we thought that someone else might give us the advice we needed.”  
“And he did,” Roger went on. “He made me see that Leviticus, while being a part of the Holy Scripture, is addressed at the Levites, and they are Jews. Father Hamilton said that the letter to the Levites was written to prepare them for the arrival of the son of god, but for us, as Christians, the son of god already arrived. So you could argue that Leviticus might not really be valid for Christians at all.”

“Besides, we do know that the earth is not flat,” Dorothy went on. “And that women weren’t made of men’s ribs. He also talked to us about those other things in Leviticus that no longer apply.”  
“I get that,” Danny replied. “But weren’t there a lot of things regarding sex?”  
“How do you know about the laws in Leviticus?” His father asked him with raised eyebrows and something that could be a smile.  
“I read it,” Danny replied simply. “It’s not as if there’s a shortage of bibles in this house. I tried... I wanted to understand. I just couldn’t.”

Roger sighed and shook his head. “I couldn’t have imagined you would ever willingly touch a bible.”  
“And I would never have imagined you would use the bible to defend me,” Danny replied with a crooked smile. “So here we are.”  
“Here we are indeed.” Roger took a sip of his coffee. “Yes, there are a lot of rules regarding sex, and all of them, or almost all of them, are there to prevent incest and inbreeding.” He cleared his throat.  
“Which I don’t quite get,” Danny said and shook his head. “I mean, there always are pervs who rape their children or sister... but I’d think most people would rather swim in knifes than... have sex with their sibling.”

Russell, who had hitherto tried to vanish behind his cup, had to snort out a chuckle.

“So,” Danny’s father said with a tiny smile that vanished again as soon as he continued. “We came to the conclusion that we rather apply the words of Christ to our lives than the letter to the Levites.”  
“But did you...” Danny took a deep breath. “You must have known something like this would happen, right?”  
“Yes, I expected it,” Roger replied. “And it came exactly from where I expected it. I knew Sophie and Agatha would not keep their mouths shut, and I am not surprised Horace and Sybil didn’t, either. And as you could see, the rest of the family doesn’t have that much of a problem.”  
“Some might not really approve,” Dorothy went on, “but Russell is a charming, lovely young man.”

Russell blushed and cleared his throat.

“Come on,” Danny said to him with a small grin. “If you weren’t, we wouldn’t be here today.”

His ears glowing, Russell tried to smile and shrugged.

Danny looked into his cup for a moment, and then up at his father again. His voice was slightly trembling.

“So... so you really... you can really accept... all this? Me?”  
“Yes,” his father replied slowly but firmly. “And I do not blame you for doubting me.”  
“I don’t doubt you as such,” Danny replied, his voice still unsteady. “I just can’t believe... that this is really happening. That you would... that you really mean all this.”  
“But I do. You know that I would never say these things if I didn’t.”  
“I know.”

They looked at each other for a moment, then Danny tried to smile. His father touched his arm with a small nod.

The conversation exhausted for now they continued their breakfast, until a few topics of small talk dispelled the somewhat uncomfortable silence. Danny however remained silent, and very thoughtful for the rest of the time they spent at his parents’ house, and during dinner as well. He first spoke again as they were about to leave.

“Dad?” He asked hesitantly as he reached for his coat, but he turned around again.  
“Yes?”

Danny licked his lips, and it took him a moment before he could meet his father’s eyes.

“I... um... I have to ask something.”  
His father nodded. “I hope you’re not afraid of my answer.”  
“I don’t actually know,” Danny replied slowly. “Because I don’t...”

His eyes darted back and forth a few times and came to rest on Russell for a moment before he was able to look at his father again.

“Dad... it’s because...” Danny shook his head and brushed his hair back. “Russell... you know, Russell wants his dad to be his... um... his Best Man at our wedding, and I was... I was wondering...” He broke off and tried to smile but failed miserably.

Danny’s father gritted his teeth for a moment, and his voice was a little rough when he spoke. “You want me to be your Best Man?”  
Danny could only nod.

Dorothy covered her mouth with the back of her hand while blinking rapidly a few times, and Danny’s father seemed like chiselled from stone.

Then he unfroze, swallowed hard and shook his head in disbelief. “God, Daniel... my son... I’d be honoured. I would be honoured.”

The two simultaneously took a step forward and embraced, and held on to each other for a long time before letting go again. Danny had tears in his eyes, and his father didn’t look much better.

After stepping away from each other, Danny and his father looked at each other for a moment, and Danny wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. His father nodded, his lips pressed together, and closed his fingers around his wife’s as she put her hand on his shoulder.

Leaving the house Danny had wordlessly handed Russell they keys and kept staring out of the window on their way home. He was looking at his feet in the elevator, and Russell left him his silence.

Russell was about to unlock the door to their flat when the door of the flat opposite theirs opened, where the Butlers lived, a friendly couple somewhat older than Russ and Danny.

“Hello,” Angela said. “The postman delivered a package yesterday, and we held on to it for you.”

She handed them a large parcel wrapped in nondescript, brown paper. Russell thanked her as he accepted it, and she closed the door again with a friendly smile.

Once inside, Russell deposited the package on the dinner table and the two had a look at it. It was addressed to Mr Daniel Barnett, and the sender was a company called Ulysses.

The company who owned the web shop where the two had recently made a purchase.

“Do you...” Russell hesitated. “Do you want to look at that today?”  
“I... yes and no,” Danny replied almost tonelessly without taking his eyes off the package. “It’s late and...”  
“We can look at that without trying it out here and now,” Russell said.

After a moment, Danny sighed and shook his head. “Let’s just go to bed. You have to work tomorrow.”  
“Too much for one weekend?”  
Danny nodded, and looked up with a wry smile.

After getting comfortable in the bed, Russell looked at Danny who was staring at the ceiling.

“You okay?”  
Danny nodded. “I just need some time... to get my head around all this.”  
“I guess you do.” Russell sighed. “Anything I could do?”  
Looking at him with a half-smile, Danny shrugged. “Putting up with me being broody for a few days, I guess.”

Then Danny looked at the ceiling again.

“I mean, two years ago we yelled at each other because I told them about you and he thought I’d ruin the family with it. And now... now he’s going to be my Best Man. It’s... it feels totally surreal...”  
Russell reached out and rested a hand on Danny’s shoulder. “Hey, if you need a good cry, I’m here.”  
“I know.” Danny closed his fingers around Russell’s. “I know, but right now I don’t.”

Then he looked at Russell again, and the two exchanged a smile.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that fitness evaluations for paramedic students are a thing, but I also found out that they vary from country to country. I couldn't find info on NZ, so I took the most difficult one I could find for dramatic reasons. If anyone actually knows what Danny's evaluation would be like I'm more than happy to correct it.

They had parked the package under the bed for now, as they both knew Danny could only confront the contents when he was ready for it. They didn’t even have to talk about it.

The week started more or less like the last one had ended, and while Russell spent his days in the shop, Danny spent his time playing houseman and going to the gym. Without lectures now Danny went there every day, and Russell was beginning to feel insufficient again even if Danny told him he should stop talking crap. He did it because he had to perform a fitness evaluation before the start of the next year, not because he wanted to become the Hulk. 

Danny was on the skinny side and would never become a hunk of muscle even if he wanted to, but with all the time he had spent in the gym so far he had built up a very nice shape. Russell, who couldn’t get enough of him anyway, could hardly keep his hands to himself anymore. 

“I swear, sometimes I just want to roll around on the ground in front of you.” Russell ran a hand down Danny’s chest; he had come from work after a hard and shitty day and was feeling a bit clingy.   
Danny tucked a few strands of hair behind his ear, still moist from the shower he had taken after coming home from the gym, and lifted one eyebrow. “If you want to fuck, you can just say so.”  
“But you just took a shower.” Russell looked up, one hand sneaking under Danny’s shirt.  
“So? I just take another one.” Danny stepped closer. 

Russell ran his hands up Danny’s arms and down again his back. “Do you think I should start in the gym too?”  
Danny snorted. “I think you should do whatever feels right for you. I’m not going to complain if you want to tag along, but I’m not going to complain either if you want to leave the treadmill to me.”  
“Maybe I should try,” Russell said thoughtfully. “And no,” he went on, “it’s not because I’m feeling insufficient next to my gorgeous lover, though I do, but I think maybe a bit of workout would be good for me anyway.”  
“It probably would,” Danny said and stepped closer, threading the fingers of one hand into Russell’s hair. “I just hate the thought of you feeling insufficient. I don’t know a hotter and more beautiful guy than you.”  
“Is that so?” Russell purred.  
“Need proof?” Danny purred back.

The two exchanged a low-lidded smile and Danny stepped back to throw the bag of beans back into the freezer.

* * *

The band was getting ready for another practise session the next Saturday, but they had to wait for their drummer. Danny was almost half an hour late. 

“Sorry!” Danny came almost running, hair still almost wet. “I got caught up in the gym.”  
“Gym?” Matt asked, while Craig simultaneously asked: “Caught up?”

“Yeah, I...” Danny dropped his bag next to the sideboard. “I had to wait for the shower.”  
“Shower?” Craig shook his head in confusion. “How many showers does your gym have? Two?”  
Danny faltered for a moment before he looked up again. “Enough,” he finally said. “But I hate communal showers, okay? I had to wait until the guys before me were done.”

Craig was about to say something, but then he shrugged with an apologetic smile. 

“I know,” Danny said darkly and headed for his drum kit. “I know I’m a prude. No need to rub it in.”  
“I wasn’t...” Craig sighed. “I was trying not to do that.”  
Danny fell onto his stool and grabbed his drum sticks. “Sorry.”  
“Sorry too.”

The others had listened to them with increasingly worried expression, but after exchanging a few looks with the others, Russell rolled his shoulders and picked up his guitar.

“Okay. Danny, you’re good to go?”  
Danny tucked a wet strand of hair behind his ear. “Good to go.”

As they had been on a high level already since their concert they didn’t exactly need more practise, but they needed to stay in form for the next gig. They couldn’t afford to be less than stellar on the stage of the Auckland Summer Square. 

Matt handed out coffee and tea during their first break, and sat next to Danny with a smile. 

“Just curious,” he said. “You’re an awful lot in the gym lately.”  
Danny gave him a crooked smile. “I know. Performance issues.” Then he shrugged. “I have a physical fitness evaluation at the start of next year. I mean, I’m going out, right? Out in the field. I’m going to be part of regular ambulance operations.”   
“And that means you have to be fit,” Matt said.  
“Pretty much. I mean,” Danny shrugged again, “I kind of sit in the ambulance and then suddenly I have to run down and into a ditch and pull someone out of a car onto a stretcher. They can be the size of Emma, or the size of you.” He cleared his throat. “No offence,” he added hastily.  
“None taken,” Matt replied with a friendly smile. “But I can see that requires a certain physical fitness.”

“So,” Beth said and blew onto her tea. “What exactly is that evaluation? If you don’t mind.”  
“Not at all.” Danny smiled. “It’s stamina, strength, flexibility, just what you need in the field. I have to do some running, on flat ground and up and down a set of stairs. It’s kind of... kind of like a parkour. Running, stairs, then running on a balance beam, climb over a few box horses and under a stick lying on two chairs, and dragging a dummy that weighs like 45 kg.”  
“In a limited time, I guess,” Beth said cautiously.  
“Under four minutes.”

That was followed by a stunned silence.

“Holy cow,” Emma said then. “No wonder you’re going crazy in the gym right now.”  
“I mean, imagine,” Matt said to her. “Try manoeuvring someone like me on a stretcher down the stair case of your house.”  
Emma blinked a few times. “Okaay...”

“On the upside,” Matt went on brightly. “As long as we have Danny around, nothing can happen. He got this.”  
Danny snorted and took a sip of coffee. “Anyone else of you know how to do CPR?”  
“You know,” Matt replied after a thoughtful moment of silence. “That actually wouldn’t be a bad idea, doing a bit of a first aid course, would it?”  
“It definitely wouldn’t,” Danny replied.   
“Hey, you can teach us!” Emma said with a grin.  
“I could only run you through the basics,” Danny said with a shrug. “We don’t have the dummy to practise.”  
“Right.” Emma frowned. “But we will make enquiries.” And then she smiled again. “Then we can be your assistants!”

They finished their session but without having dinner together that evening. And despite being tired – and lazy, they didn’t even deny it – Russ and Danny decided against takeaway and headed straight home. 

“We could make pasta,” Russell said after listlessly opening a few cupboards.  
“Pasta and?” Equally unmotivated, Danny opened the fridge. 

After a moment of staring, Danny closed the fridge again and Russell the cupboard. They went for sandwiches, only to discover that there was mould on the bread. 

“Fuck that,” Russell said as he disposed of the bread. “Pizza?”  
Danny had already taken the leaflet of their favourite pizza place. “The usual?”  
“The usual.”

Thankfully it didn’t take long for the pizza to arrive, and after they had eaten the two got comfortable on the sofa. After some time of browsing Netflix, they still hadn’t found anything that caught their interest and Russell switched the TV off again.

“Should we maybe just go to bed?” He asked.  
“Probably.” Danny got up and stretched.   
“It’s not even nine,” Russell said with a wry smile and got up as well.  
“We could do some cuddling.”  
“Sounds good.”

Danny was the first one to use the bathroom, but when Russell came back into the bedroom Danny was still sitting on the bed. He had his hands clasped between his knees and was staring at the wall.

“Danny?” Russell sat down next to him.   
Danny shrugged with a heavy sigh. “It’s...” He huffed and looked up at Russell. “I know if I ask you now if I’m a prude you’re going to say no, but what else is this? I can’t even take a shower when another guy is watching me!”  
Russell shook his head. “I don’t really know,” he began slowly. “I wouldn’t call it prude because that sounds... that sounds kind of demeaning. How about... shy? Or maybe self-conscious?”

Danny stared at the wall again. “I hate this,” he whispered. “I just don’t want to be like this.”  
“Hey,” Russell said softly and moved closer to put an arm around Danny’s shoulders.   
“It’s just...” Danny angrily shook his head. “It just... it’s just fucked up. It’s ridiculous.”  
“No, it’s not,” Russell replied gently but firmly. “You are how you are and... okay, I’m not going to deny it, it makes things a bit complicated in the gym, I suppose. But you know what? I think there are more guys like you, and they just don’t have the guts to do what you’re doing-”  
“Guts?” Danny snorted out a confused chuckle. “Seriously?”  
“Because they don’t want to be teased for being a prude,” Russell ended simply. 

Danny’s angry scowl turned into a thoughtful frown. 

“I know you got your body issues,” Russell went on. “That narrow comfort zone we talked about.”  
“Yes, I know,” Danny said, his voice heavy with exasperation. “I know we both hate that word, but it really is pathetic.”

Russell sighed and shook his head, bit his lips, and then removed his arms so he could turn around and look at Danny. 

“Hey, look at me.”

Danny looked at him, a wry, humourless smile of defeat on his lips. 

“Can I play Helen for a moment?”  
“Sure.” 

Russell took a deep breath. “Okay so, since I sat down here next to you, you used the words... um... a prude, that you hate that part of yourself, fucked up, ridiculous, and pathetic.” 

He made a significant pause, but Danny just raised both eyebrows.

“Would you be friends with someone who talks about you the way you just talked about yourself?”

Danny stared at him with his mouth half open for almost a minute, while Russell just looked back with a small smile. 

“It sounds harsh like that doesn’t it?” Russell ran his fingers through Danny’s hair. “And don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect you to jump up, yell ‘I’m free!’ and throw your underwear out of the window.”

Danny snorted and rolled his eyes. 

“But you have to admit she does have a valid point there, doesn’t she?”  
“She always does. She’s a professional.”  
“She is. And what it comes down to is this.” Russell was still combing his fingers through Danny’s hair. “Yes, you do have issues, we both do, actually, and we both know that well. But the fact is, it doesn’t make you a bad person, or a worthless person.”  
“I know that.”  
“I know you know that,” Russell replied. “Just as I know that, and I still keep calling myself pathetic when something goes wrong. But, the thing is... you know the problem, and you don’t want anyone else to rub it in, so you shouldn’t do that, either. And that’s easier said than done.”

After a long moment, Danny leaned towards him and rested his head on Russell’s shoulder. “I know I should accept it,” he said. “But it’s just... it’s hard.”  
“I know.” Russell kissed his temple. “I know how bloody hard that is. But we should at least stop making it worse. We’re both really good at that.”

Danny sighed and closed his eyes. Russell nudged his temple with his nose, and gently pushed him over onto the mattress. They didn’t speak anymore, just cuddled together and enjoyed a few kisses before switching off the lights.

* * *

As usual on Sundays, Russell was awoken by the smell of coffee. Danny put the cups down on Russell’s nightstand and crawled back into the bed, and under Russell’s blanket. 

“I’m going to miss this,” Russell said wistfully and sighed.  
“Miss what?”  
“Lazy Sunday mornings and you bringing me coffee.”  
Danny chuckled. “I won’t have to work every weekend, you know?”  
“I know.”  
“So it’s going to be extra special.”

Russell snuggled closer and closed his eyes. Danny wasn’t fully relaxed, however, and Russell turned onto his back again. 

“Something wrong?”  
“Not as such,” Danny said hesitantly. “I just had a fucking weird dream last night. Not a nightmare... just weird. And I had one like it last week.”  
“Want to talk about it?”   
“I do, because... it confused the fuck out of me.”

Russell turned onto his side so he could look at him. 

“See...” Danny sucked at his upper lip for a moment. “Do you know that kind of dream where you... sort of stuck? Not wedged somewhere but... it felt like I was wrapped in chewing gum, or something.”  
“I think I know what you mean, yes.”  
“And I was just trying to get out. I wasn’t scared or anything, just... just annoyed. Almost angry. But not scared. I just yelled at the fucking chewing gum stuff to let me go. And then eventually it did let me go, but I had the stuff sticking everywhere. So I tore off my clothes, and took a pair of clippers and buzzed off all my hair.”  
“God,” Russell said with a low moan. “Are my dreams fucking contagious now?”  
“I don’t know,” Danny went on, still visibly confused. “But the thing is... the really weird thing is, it didn’t feel bad. It felt... it actually felt good, in a weird sort of way.”

The two looked at each other; Russell was biting his lips, and Danny shook his head. 

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, when I woke up the first thing I did was tug at my hair to check.” Danny ran his fingers through a few strands of his hair to brush it back. “The... the actual thought of shaving my head is horrible, and I’d never do it. But in my dream it felt good, and it... as I said, it confuses the fuck out of me.”

Russell reached out and toyed with a few strands of Danny’s hair. “You know,” he said slowly. “It could have something to do with what happened at your dad’s birthday.”  
Danny frowned in confusion. “How so?”  
“I’m not sure... I’m just hazarding a guess.” 

Russell chewed his lower lip for a moment. 

“Like, you said Sunday evening how it all came crashing down. And... and I mean, I told you I spent a lot of time thinking about your issues, and we talked about it once. Where that narrow comfort zone came from and so on. And here’s where the big advantage of having to regularly see a therapist comes in.” 

He grinned, and Danny cautiously smiled back. 

“I think those body issues are... just a projection. Of feeling unloved and unwanted. Worth nothing. Just like your performance issues. You’re only good if you’re perfect. I think those body issues have the same root.”  
“You should become a shrink, too.” Danny’s lips twisted into a crooked smile.  
“Too many issues myself,” Russell replied with a chuckle. “But think of this. All those years of not feeling lovable, of feeling not worthy of love, all those issues date back to the time when you started puberty and had your first conflicts with your parents.”  
“I don’t get it,” Danny said darkly. “Everyone has issues with their parents at that age.”  
“Some more than others,” Russell replied simply. “I mean, you don’t seriously deny that all those issues we talked about started there?”  
“No.” Danny sighed and shook his head. “I don’t.”

“So now here’s my thought,” Russell went on. “I don’t know, maybe it’s too easy, but my guess is that your dream was your subconscious reacting to what happened. That suddenly, your parents are what you always wanted. They stand behind you. Defend you. Love you. Accept you.”  
Danny sighed and swallowed. “It’s... it’s true, but... I fail to see the connection.”  
“You said you tried to tell yourself you don’t need them and did stuff you knew they hated. Metal, drums, black clothes, pagan symbols, long hair. Because they could stuff it.”

Danny looked at him in silence, but he began to grit his teeth. 

“But now... I mean you’re obviously not rebelling anymore; you’re not a teenager annoying his parents just for the sake of annoying them. But the thing is, they do love you, and accept you. You don’t have to change anymore.”  
“But... I still don’t get it.” Danny combed a few fingers through his hair as if to check if it was still there.   
“The point is, that you don’t have to,” Russell said. “It doesn’t make a difference anymore. You cut your hair, or you shave your head, or you leave it as it is; it doesn’t make a difference anymore. They love you. And they made that abundantly clear by now.”

After a long moment of silence, Danny took a shaky breath. “So it’s like...” His voice was husky. “Looks don’t matter anymore, one way or another. The outside doesn’t matter anymore.”  
“That’s exactly what I wanted to say. I can be a bit complicated sometimes.”

Russell reached out and caressed Danny’s cheek with a soft smile. Danny smiled back, but his smile looked weak and watery.

“So you think my body issues are gone now?”  
“No,” Russell replied, still caressing Danny’s cheek. “Maybe they’ll never be gone completely. But they can get better. Just as your performance issues. But even if it’s only you being able to take a shower in the gym, it would make life easier, wouldn’t it?”  
“It would,” Danny whispered. 

Russell shuffled back and opened his arms. Danny wordlessly crawled into his embrace and Russell closed his arms around him before burying his face into Danny’s hair. 

“I think our coffee should be good,” Russell muttered after a moment. 

Danny peeled himself out of Russell’s embrace with a hum. 

They had their coffee in silence, and by the way Danny’s eyes kept darting towards Russell and back while he was chewing his lips made it clear that he still had something on his mind. 

“Russ...” He began hesitantly and sat up. “I think... I’d like to look at that package.”  
Russell sat up and leaned forward, touching Danny’s arm. “Are you sure? I mean, just because that happened doesn’t mean that you’re ready...”

“I know,” Danny said after a moment. “And I’m not saying ‘Hey let’s have bondage sex’ but that I want to look at the stuff.” He frowned. “Why are you looking at me like that?”  
Russell shook his head with a fond, lopsided smile. “You said it.”  
“What?”   
“You said you want to be comfortable talking about it. And now you said it.”  
“Said what?” Danny looked even more confused now.  
“You said bondage sex.”

Danny blinked. “Oh.”

Russell chuckled softly and moved closer, then slung both arms around Danny from behind. 

“That’s ridiculous,” Danny said after a moment. “This can’t be the solution of all my problems with a snap of a finger.”  
“It’s not,” Russell replied. “But things will get better. Things will fall into place. Some sooner, some later. Some maybe not at all. You’re not becoming a new person either. You’re just... getting rid of some excess baggage.”  
“I guess I don’t need a shrink as long as I have you,” Danny replied with a wry grin.   
“Hey, I’m only passing it along.”  
“That’s what I mean.”

Russell let go and crawled around him so he could look at Danny’s face. He rested both hands on Danny’s cheeks, and leaned forward with a soft smile. 

They exchanged a few soft, affectionate kisses, and embraced for a moment after they broke the kiss before they let go. 

“I get the scissors, okay?” Russell got up and grabbed the empty cups.  
“Okay,” Danny said, but his voice was low and hesitant. 

When Russell came back Danny was looking at the package that was now lying on the bed. 

“You still want to do this?” Russell asked.

Danny nodded, and Russell started cutting through the tape.


	26. Chapter 26

After removing the wrapping paper, Russell cut through some more tape that sealed the lid of a completely nondescript cardboard box. He put the scissors down and opened the lid, but it was Danny who took out the crumpled brown paper that served as padding.

They looked at the contents for a moment before Russell picked up the box of assorted flavoured condoms.

“Looking forward to trying these,” he said with a grin and dropped them onto the bed.

There was a bottle of lube – they still had plenty but this one had been on special offer – and a bottle of massage oil. Then Russell picked up a small transparent plastic bag that looked more like an envelope, and which contained a piece of black fabric. It had a label saying _Welcome to the world of Ulysses, thank you for your purchase. We hope you enjoy this little gift_.

Russell opened the bag, pulled out a long stripe of black, silky fabric and looked at it in confusion. Danny swallowed and reached out for it, and cleared his throat when Russell handed it to him.

“It’s a blindfold,” he said.  
“Oh.” Russell hastily took it back. “We can chuck that.”  
Danny hesitated for a moment. “Or... maybe... not?”  
Russell questioningly tilted his head. “You sure?”  
“We don’t have to use it!” Danny said quickly. “I mean... I don’t know but... I just don’t want to chuck this just yet.”  
“Your choice,” Russell said with a smile and put the blindfold back into the box.

Then they came to the main content of the order: another transparent plastic wrapping containing two neatly coiled black ropes. Russell opened the bag and took them out, and also found a leaflet with a few safety instructions and examples for several knots.

He leafed through those and after a moment, hesitantly looked up again and back at Danny. Danny was staring at the ropes, his facial expression a strange mix of hunger and something close to fear.

“Danny,” Russell whispered. “We really don’t have to do this.”  
“I know.” Danny looked up at him. “The thing is... the thing is I want to do it but...” He sighed. “Since that box arrived I’ve been thinking about it, and I... I don’t know how to put it.”

Danny broke off and combed his hair back with both hands. Russell waited for him to sort his thoughts.

“I thought...” Danny hesitated again. “I’m kind of worried... I’m kind of worried I... that I enjoy this...” he cast a helpless look at Russell “...too much?”  
“How so?” Russell asked cautiously.  
Danny nervously licked his lips. “It probably sounds... fuck.” He took a deep breath. “I’m kind of worried if I go there I don’t want the other stuff anymore.”  
“Other... stuff?” Russell frowned, but his face immediately lit up again. “Oh.”

Russell reached out and rested a hand on Danny’s shoulder, caressing the side of Danny’s neck with his thumb.

“So you’re worried that after I give you head when you’re tied up, you won’t enjoy head anymore without being tied up?”  
“I know...” Danny sighed and shook his head. “It sounds stupid when you say it like that.”  
“It doesn’t,” Russell replied. “Because I totally get where you’re coming from, and I bet you’re not the only one who had these kinds of thoughts before trying out this stuff.”

The two looked at each other for a moment, and Danny tried to smile.

“Besides,” Russell went on, “I can’t imagine you’d be in the mood for this all the time, and neither will I. This is something... special? It’s just one of several options, just like before, now we have one more. Honestly... I don’t think you can’t go back to enjoying vanilla sex after this.”  
Danny shook his head with a heavy sigh. “Sometimes I have the feeling my mind produces issues faster than I can count,” he said darkly.  
“You’re wearing them in layers,” Russell said and grinned. “Like Shrek.”  
“I’m not an ogre,” Danny said, lowering his eyebrows.  
“At least you don’t smell like one.” Russell winked. “Onion boy.”

Danny snorted and shook his head. Russell grinned brightly back and leaned forward.

“Hey,” he said after dropping a kiss onto Danny’s lips. “It’s all good. You want to try this, I’m all game. You need to wait longer, we just take care of our boners with whatever is at hand.” His smile turned into a smirk. “Or mouth.”

They shared another kiss, then Russell took the box and dropped it next to the bed. He picked up one of the ropes as Danny sat down next to him. Danny swallowed audibly as Russell untied the knot and began uncoiling the rope.

“It’s so soft,” Russell said and let the rope glide through his fingers.

Then he held it out to Danny who touched it too, very hesitantly and with slightly trembling fingers. It was blatantly obvious what this did to Danny as he was wearing only boxer shorts, and Russell tried not to look at his crotch too much.

Danny closed his fingers around the rope and tugged at it so it slid across his palm, and at one point he closed his fingers around it. He was already breathing faster, and he swallowed hard as he looked up at Russell.

Their eyes met for a long, silent moment, and as Danny let go of the rope, Russell closed his hand around it. He put it down onto the mattress next to him and moved forward, and slinging his arms around Danny’s neck pushed him onto his back. Their kisses were hungry, and accompanied with soft moans they ran their hands across each other’s body wherever they could reach. Russell pressed his knee into Danny’s crotch, and with a moan Danny opened his legs.

Russell broke the kiss and sat up. He didn’t waste any time on finesse and just tore his T-shirt over his head, throwing it behind him without a second thought. Danny sat up as well, and Russell helped him get rid of his shirt before pushing him over again. He was straddling Danny’s hips now, and he let himself fall forward, his hands resting on each side of Danny’s head. Danny ran his hands down Russell’s back and up again along his sides, and then down his arms. He let his hands sink down, and the moment they touched the mattress Russell shifted his weight and closed his hands around Danny’s wrists.

Danny closed his eyes with a breathless moan.

“How do you want this,” Russell asked in a deep, soft voice. “One or two?”  
“Two?” Danny opened his eyes and swallowed.

Russell looked up at the upper end of the bed. They hadn’t wanted a metal bed frame, and this one had been the cheapest wooden one they had been able to find, a simple low four-poster bed of pine. The headboard was higher than the one at the foot end, but each one of the posters ended in a turned knob of wood.

Danny arched his neck and followed Russell’s gaze. He narrowed his eyes and looked back at Russell, a half-amused frown on his face.

“Did you plan this?”  
“No,” Russell said and shook his head in emphasis. “But I did see the possibilities when we bought it. I didn’t mention it though because I was afraid it might freak you out a bit.”  
“It... would have,” Danny replied hesitantly. “So... you think...?”  
“I think,” Russell said firmly, “that you are the one in charge and-”  
“I thought I was the one who’s getting... tied up?”  
“It’s still you who decides how it’s going to happen.” Russell leaned forward and nudged Danny’s forehead with his own. “If it is happening at all. If you’re not comfortable, we pack the stuff away and wait until you are.”

Danny hesitated for another moment, then he opened and closed his hands. Russell still had his wrists pinned down, and he increased the pressure of his fingers the tiniest bit. Danny closed his eyes and swallowed.

Then Russell leaned even closer, so close that his breath grazed Danny’s ear. “Just say the word,” he said in a smoky whisper. “One, two, or zero.”

Danny didn’t open his eyes, but he did open and close his fists a few times.

“Two,” he whispered huskily after a moment.  
“Are you sure?” Russell asked gently.  
Danny nodded, still not opening his eyes.  
“Just promise me you’ll use the safe word without waiting,” Russell said then. “And I promise I won’t feel like a fuck-up when you do.”  
“Promised,” Danny whispered.

Russell took a deep breath and let go of Danny’s wrists. He slid off Danny’s hips and reached for the rope, and then for the other one he hadn’t uncoiled yet.

“I don’t know if this makes it better or not,” he said with a little chuckle. “But I practised knots. On my ankles. With the belt of my bathrobe.”  
Danny smiled and opened his eyes. “Seriously?”  
“Seriously.” One rope in his hand, Russell knelt down next to Danny’s left side.

Danny’s chest was heaving with fast and heavy breaths and his eyelids were fluttering when Russell leaned over it with the rope. He tied the rope around the wrist with the knot he had practised, but left the other end lose for now. Danny was breathing in harsh and heavy gasps by the time Russell had tied the other rope to Danny’s right wrist, and now Russell leaned over him and cradled Danny’s face in his hands. Danny was hardly able to open his eyes. And when he did, there was almost no iris left.

“You okay?” Russell whispered.

Danny nodded, wordlessly and out of breath.

At that point Russell had had to adjust his crotch several times already as well, and he was leaking so much he could clearly feel a moist spot. He was breathing decidedly faster now too as he took the other end of the rope tied to Danny’s right wrist. He slung it around the knob of the poster, cautiously, and pulled until Danny’s hand was resting against the headboard.

“Is that okay?”

Danny nodded again, his lips parted as his breath almost exploded out of him. Russell took a deep breath, and with trembling fingers, tied a knot into the rope to keep it in place. He checked Danny’s position, and before he continued he folded a duvet under Danny’s back so he wouldn’t hang from the ropes but could lie relaxed. He then tied the other rope to the bed post, and once he was done, Russell sat back to admire his work.

Danny had sweat beading on his temples and forehead, his arms almost outstretched and fixed to the bed posts with ropes. He was slowly turning his head this way and that without opening his eyes, and he was squirming a bit, pulling his left leg up and stretching it out again.

“Beautiful,” Russell whispered and ran a hand down Danny’s chest. “Oh god, Danny you’re so beautiful like this...”

Danny was beyond the point of being able to talk, but a harsh gasp escaped him as Russell hooked his fingers into the waistband of Danny’s boxers. He cautiously pulled them down, and once Danny was fully naked Russell sat back on his heels and tried to calm his breathing. By the way Danny was shivering and how hard and fast he was breathing it was obvious he wouldn’t last long.

Russell leaned over him and brushed a few hairs back that clung to Danny’s cheeks. Danny turned his face upward without opening his eyes, but he hungrily opened his lips into the kiss as Russell brought their lips together. Then Russell could feel him tug at the ropes, and Danny broke the kiss with a moan.

Russell sat up and took a few deep breaths, running his hands up and down Danny’s chest. He could see the goose bumps covering Danny’s whole body.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered again. “And so hot...” He swallowed and leaned forward. “My Danny,” he whispered and dropped a few kisses onto Danny’s face.

He continued to trail kisses down Danny’s chest, and flicking his nipples with his tongue caused Danny to arch his back with a gasp. The movement made him tug at the ropes again and he threw his head from one side to the other with another heavy moan.

Russell kept covering Danny’s chest and abdomen with kisses, and stopped shortly before he reached Danny’s hard and trembling cock. He admired it for a bit, just as beautiful as his owner, and the sound that Danny made when Russell cautiously cupped his stones could only be called a whimper. Leaving that hand where it was Russell closed the other around the base of Danny’s cock, eliciting another gasp, and then he bent forward to kiss the tip.

Danny arched his back with a low, drawn out moan that was close to a shout. Knowing him so well after all that time Russell could feel it coming; he knew that Danny was rapidly approaching his point of no return the moment he closed his lips around the tip of his cock. He lowered his head and sucked him in, and Danny arched his back with a moan and now actually strained against the ropes. But Russell didn’t stop to ask if he was okay, because Danny had promised he would use the safe word.

It didn’t last much longer anyway; Russell bobbed his head a few times while sucking hard, and Danny’s whole body went as taut as a bowstring before he came on a bellow that made Russell worry about the neighbours for a moment.

When he straightened up again Danny was completely limp, and he looked as if he had passed out. Suddenly worried, Russell leaned over him and cautiously patted Danny’s cheek.

Danny turned his head to face him and laboriously, pried his lids apart. The look in his eyes was soft and unfocussed, and there was a soft, tiny smile playing around the corners of his lips.

“Wow,” he whispered almost soundlessly.  
“That good?” Russell asked with a soft chuckle under his breath.

The smile grew a little and Danny closed his eyes again. Russell sat up, took a deep breath, combed his hair back, and began to untie the ropes from the bed posts. Then he untied Danny’s wrists and made sure the ropes hadn’t left any dents. He dropped them next to the bed and tugged out the duvet from under Danny’s back, then made sure he was comfortable with a pillow before covering him with the duvet again.

Danny sighed and turned onto his side, and with a fond smile Russell brushed a few hairs from Danny’s cheeks before he sat up again. After a few moments of thinking he left the bed and went to get some water from the kitchen, and Danny gulped down the whole glass before handing it back to Russell with a grateful nod. He fell back into the mattress again, and Russell put the glass onto the nightstand and crawled under the blanket.

Danny snuggled against him with a deep, heartfelt sigh, and Russell buried his face into Danny’s hair.

“You okay?” Russell asked in a whisper.  
“Never been better,” Danny whispered back.

Russell nuzzled Danny’s hair with a chuckle.

“What about you?” Danny asked after a moment.  
“I’m fine.” Russell placed a kiss onto Danny’s shoulder. “Don’t worry.”

Russell closed his eyes and listened to Danny’s breathing, and it didn’t take long before those breaths deepened into a slow, even rhythm. Russell wasn’t sleepy but he enjoyed the closeness, so he just remained where he was and let his thoughts roam where they wanted to.

He thought of their last concert, and the upcoming one, and then his thoughts wandered back to the first festival he had been to, the one where he had met Danny.

Russell looked at the ceiling with a smile. That felt so long ago now, much longer than it actually was. Maybe that was because so much had happened in that time. In January, at the festival, it would be four years to the day that he and Danny had met. And later in January, three years since they had become an item.

“Three years,” Russell whispered absentmindedly.  
“What about three years?” Danny muttered sleepily.  
“In January.” Russell shuffled back a bit so Danny could turn around to look at him. “It’ll be three years since we got together.”

Danny smiled and reached out to toy with one of Russell’s curls. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

They exchanged a smile, and Danny let go of Russell’s hair to lean forward for a kiss. They slung their arms around each other, but after a moment Danny pushed Russell back and rolled on top of him.

“We’re going to have to talk about this,” Russell said.  
Danny’s smile softened. “We do. And I make coffee to go with it. But...”  
“But?”  
“My turn first,” Danny said with a dark smirk and threw the duvet off.

Russell closed his eyes and sank back into the pillow, burying his fingers into Danny’s hair with a sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There should have been a flashback in addition to Russell's musings at the end, but it would have made the chapter too long, so I put that into the Slices of Life side story. You can read it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6469171/chapters/29171262).


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not quite sure but you may want to have a tissue at hand.

The next week got busy for everyone in the band; or almost all of them. Matt and Russell were by now caught up in Christmas shopping, and Emma and Craig in Christmas vacation stress. People wanted to book holidays, and needed cars checked for the same reason.

Practising got exceedingly difficult, with the four of them being so tired. They were all glad they had been practising so hard for the last concert so now it was mostly keeping the level of proficiency they already had. Their gig was on a Saturday as part of the _Stand Up Stand Out_ gig for newcomers and promising New Zealand bands and musicians, and this would give them a publicity they hadn’t dared to dream of yet.

For most of the weeks since his birthday Russell had been trying to think about his Facebook post as little as possible. He had checked his Facebook every night of course, and had watched the numbers of shares rise and then stagnate again. He didn’t want to give up hope, but it seemed to have come to a standstill.

Russell hadn’t talked about it and no one had asked as they all rather focussed on their concert, Craig included. He acted as if that awful morning at the beach never happened and none of the others wanted to prod him where they knew it hurt him most.

A couple of days into December Russell noticed a few more shares for the post, and then there was a sudden burst in shares for a few days before they stopped altogether. Maybe some people felt that sharing this, or sharing it again, would be in the spirit of Christmas.

And then, on Tuesday in the first week of December, Russ and Danny came home from the studio after a practice session late in the evening. Russell was knackered; traffic in the shop had picked up considerable with Christmas shoppers going mad, and the practise had made it worse. Danny told him to have a shower and go to bed since they had had pizza together with the others during their session, and Russell was more than happy to comply.

His phone beeped on his way to the bedroom, and Russell froze. It was the sound for Facebook alerts, and he slowly pulled the phone out of his pocket.

“Russ?” Worried about his facial expression, Danny hurried to his side.  
“I have… I have a PM on Facebook,” Russell said hesitantly.

Danny draped an arm around his shoulders, and Russell took a deep breath before he opened the message.

“We need to tell Craig,” Russell said hoarsely.  
“We do,” Danny said in a low voice. “But it’s probably better to wait until tomorrow. He’ll be in bed by now.”  
Russell lowered his phone and nodded. “Can you pick me up after work?” He looked up at Danny. “Then we can head straight to Westmere.”  
“Can do,” Danny replied and the two embraced.

* * *

Danny had already been waiting for Russell when the shop was closing, and the two immediately made their way to Westmere and Craig’s and Matt’s house.  
Matt grinned broadly at them as he let them in, but his grin dimmed considerably when he looked at Russell’s face.

“Is Craig home?” Russell asked, and Matt’s smile vanished completely.  
“He’s in the shower,” he replied. “I… I guess I better make some coffee.”

Craig emerged from the bathroom not long after, and he looked a bit startled when he saw Russ and Danny but not Matt. Matt’s voice could be heard through the closed door of his room however, and Craig looked back and forth between the door to Matt’s room and his two friends.

“You okay?” He asked.

Matt emerged again from his room and slowly, stepped to Craig’s side.

At that moment Craig paled and began gritting his teeth.

“Craig,” Russell began hesitantly and tried to smile. “I don’t know how to-”  
“Just say it,” Craig said in a dead voice. “Come on, just spit it out.”

Russell exchanged another look with Danny and looked back at Craig with a hesitant smile on his face.

“I… I had a PM on Facebook last night,” he began and took a deep breath. “We found her.”

Craig looked as if he was about to faint and Matt put a hand on his shoulder.

“What?” He whispered after a moment in a cracked voice.  
“We found her,” Russell said again, his smile slowly growing. “She wrote me a PM last night. We found her.”

Matt took one look at his friend’s face and closed his hand around Craig’s shoulder to steer him towards the common area. Craig sank into one of the sofas, staring straight ahead, and Russell and Danny sat down in the sofa opposite him while Matt sat down next to Craig.

After a moment of silence, Craig looked up again at Russell with wide eyes and parted lips.

“We found her,” Russell said again in a gentle voice. “She’s okay. She… she’s living in Brisbane.”  
“Brisbane?” Craig’s voice broke on the word. “Fucking Brisbane?”  
“Yes…” Russell hesitated, biting his lips. “Because it’s… it was the last known location of her brother.”

Craig covered his mouth with the back of his hand. Matt took a deep breath and put an arm around his shoulder, but Craig seemed like turned to stone. Russell and Danny exchanged a worried look with each other, then with Matt.

“Brisbane?” Craig asked again in a husky whisper.  
“Yes,” Russell replied with a hesitant nod. “She said she… she moved there trying to find you. She’s been living there for almost two years now, she said. She moved there immediately after school and is going to uni there.”

Craig shook his head and swallowed audibly. His eyes reddened and his lower lip began to tremble.

To everyone’s relief, the sound that broke the silence was the rumble of a motorbike, and moments later the main door was unlocked. Janice stormed into the living room and didn’t bother with getting rid of her boots first. She wasn’t even wearing her leathers.

“Jesus fucking Christ, did you fly here?” Matt asked her. “How many red lights did you ignore?”

Janice didn’t reply; she flopped down into the sofa next to Craig and Craig fell against her with a small, helpless sob. She closed her arms around him, and Craig burst into tears.

Nobody knew what to say, and they all watched and listened to Craig’s sobs with red eyes.

Janice pressed her cheek into Craig’s hair and rocked him back and forth. “Baby,” she whispered. “Baby I’m so sorry…”

“Um,” Matt said hesitatingly. “Actually, there’s nothing to be sorry about. He’s… just emotional. Well ‘just’ is maybe-”  
“What?” Janice looked up at him and her eyes widened.  
“Russ found her, you know, and she’s been living in Brisbane for the last two years because that’s where her brother lived when they were separated.” Matt nervously adjusted his glasses.

Janice buried her fingers into Craig’s hair and exhaled softly. “Shit,” she said. “Only a three hours’ flight...”  
“For the last two years,” Matt said again. “Apparently she moved there as soon as she could and enrolled at Brisbane University.”

“Fucking Brisbane” Craig sobbed into Janice’s shoulder. “Fucking Brisbane!”  
“Baby…” Janice held him tighter and sighed. “You couldn’t have known. You didn’t know she moved to Brisbane, and she had no idea you moved back to Auckland. If you had known where her stepfather had taken her back then you’d have gone there too as soon as you could have, wouldn’t you?”  
“Of course I would have!” Craig straightened up again and wiped the back of his hand across his nose. “What do you think?”

“I think you must not blame yourself,” Janice said firmly. “She was the one who had any idea where the other was, and you didn’t. You did all you could to find her, and it’s not your fault it didn’t work.” She brushed a few hairs from his face. “No blaming, Craig. If anyone is to blame for this misery it’s that asshole Tom.”

After a moment, Craig took a deep breath and nodded, then he wiped his hand across his eyes. Shaking his head he sat up straighter and looked at Russell.

Russell took a deep breath as well and nervously licked his lips. “There’s more,” he said hesitantly. “She told me… she told me that she immediately booked a flight when she saw that post. She’s… she’s coming to Auckland.”  
Craig’s face lost all colour. “She’s coming here?” It was hardly audible. “When?”  
Russell bit his lips. “Friday.”

“Friday?” Janice asked when Craig froze, unable to move or speak. “This Friday?”  
Russell nodded. “Touchdown is at some point early afternoon, but I check that again.”

Craig covered his face with both hands, and Janice closed her arms around him again.

“That’s going to be two fucking long days,” Matt said heavily after a moment. “Jesus... I don’t want to be in his skin. Seventeen fucking years...”

“Fourteen years,” Craig croaked after dropping his hand again. “The first three years we still kept in touch as much as we could…” He swallowed and shook his head. “I was… I was already making plans to apply for custody as soon as I would be eighteen so we could live together again.”  
“How old were you?” Russell asked after looking at the others in dismay.   
“Thirteen.” Craig shrugged. “I just… I just wanted us to be together again.”

Janice sighed and took one of Craig’s hands. “I think I’d have done the same if it had been one of my brothers,” she said. “I know I keep complaining about those three little shits all the time, but I’d have done the same.”

“Fourteen years,” Craig whispered again, his eyes wide and looking at nothing. “Who is this woman even?”  
“Don’t know,” Janice replied. “But she is your sister, Craig. She moved to the other side of the world hoping to find you.”  
“You still have a bond,” Russell went on. “You just have to find it again.”

Craig didn’t reply, and no one else knew what to say either.

* * *

No one was in any doubt that Craig was going through hell for the rest of the week, especially since he had taken those two days off. He had told Janice he didn’t want to stay at home going mad staring at the walls, but she had told him he would tear a few fingers off in a timing belt if he went to work in his state.

Unable to object Craig had called his boss the next morning and explained the situation, and because his boss cared about his employees he had put him down on sick leave for those two days. Craig had called Russell later and asked him if he and Danny would mind coming along to the airport on Friday, and the two had immediately agreed.

So now Craig, Janice, Russ, Danny, and Matt were standing in the hangar where Carla’s plane was scheduled to arrive, and waited.

Craig was biting his nails, something he never did. Janice was constantly touching his hands and he dropped them, only to continue biting them moments later. In the end she gave up, not without frowning at Craig’s fingers, some of which were already close to bleeding.

“I guess you can sympathise,” Russell said to Danny with a crooked smile.  
Danny simply nodded. “I don’t really like thinking about it,” he muttered.  
“Sorry.”  
Danny put an arm around him and pulled him close. “It's okay.”

Then they watched the people file past them who had already claimed their luggage. How Craig was feeling now, no one could even begin to guess. Matt, who had been his friend for years and knew him best, just watched him with a very worried frown.

There wasn’t a trace of doubt about who she was when she rounded the corner. 

She had the same lush, wavy, ginger mane that Craig had, the same full lips and, as she came closer, it became also clear that her eyes had the same shade of blue. She had a lot more freckles and her face had a different outline, but it was clear as rain that she was Craig O’Connor’s sister. Slender and graceful, she was just as stunning as her brother was.

Craig had stopped biting his nails; his arms hanging limply at his sides he didn’t move at all anymore. She was nervously looking around, and she too went completely still when she spotted Craig. It was obvious that she didn't have any doubt either who it was she was looking at.

She let go of the handle of her small trolley suitcase and took a single step forward. Now Craig unfroze as well and took a step, and the two hesitantly walked towards each other, moving as slowly as if they were underwater.

They stopped just a step away from each other, and while the others couldn't see Craig's face they could see Carla's, and she was fruitlessly blinking away her tears.

After what seemed like an eternity, Carla tried to smile.

“You should be taller,” she said and immediately wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. “Shit... that wasn't what I had planned to say…”  
“It's okay,” Craig replied haltingly. He tried to smile and failed miserably. “So what... what did you plan to say?”  
“I kind of…” Carla bit her lower lip and shrugged. “I wanted to say you look like Dad... but you don't…”  
“Yeah, I know…” Craig nervously brushed some hairs from his face. “But you look like Mum.”  
“I know.”

Then they stared at each other in helpless silence. It was clear neither of them knew what to do or what to say, both clearly looking for a trace of the child they remembered in the man or woman they were looking at.

“I don’t know what to say,” Carla finally whispered.  
“Me neither,” Craig replied, in the same, miserable whisper.

Another moment of silence passed in which the two just didn’t know where to look anymore. 

Then Carla took a deep breath after chewing her lips for a moment. She exhaled in a huff, took a deep breath again, nervously licked her lips and swallowed. 

“Three blind mice…” she whispered. It almost sounded like a question.  
Craig frowned at her with parted lips as he tilted his head, then he snapped his mouth shut. “Eating too much rice,” he said, his voice trembling.   
“Eating cheese…” Carla swallowed thickly.  
Craig shook his head, and his voice almost broke. “Eating peas…”

They stared at each other with widening eyes and said in unison: “And now the mice have lice!”

Carla threw her arms around Craig’s neck with a sob, and they both burst into tears. 

Their arms clamped around each other they held on for dear life, their fingers gripping so hard their knuckles were almost white. It had to hurt, but they didn’t seem to care. They remained like this for several minutes, crying desperately and holding on to each other, as if they were unable to let go.

Watching them, knowing what had happened, you could almost see it; it was like an echo of a memory as if the walls themselves had remembered their pain, the image of two children clinging to each other and crying, before they were torn apart by adults who dragged them into different directions. A woman slung both arms around the boy, and a man picked up the little girl and carried her away while she was screaming and reaching out for her brother. 

Then Carla took a shaky breath and buried her face into the crook of Craig’s neck. 

“Caggy,” she sobbed into his shoulder. “Oh god Caggy…”

Craig’s voice was so rough it was hardly recognisable. “Cally... god Cally I’m so sorry... I’m so sorry...”

Finally, Carla let go and leaned back, but without letting go of Craig’s shoulders. 

“Sorry?” She asked, searching his eyes.   
“I wanted... I promised...” Craig shook his head. “I promised Mum and Dad I’d take care of you and I couldn’t!”  
“Caggy...” Now Carla shook her head as well. “No... No, you couldn’t. They didn’t let you. You were a little boy. Mum and Dad knew. They knew.”  
“But I promised,” Craig gave back in a tiny whisper.  
“I know,” Carla said softly, and a tear trickled down her cheek. “But they didn’t let you. And Mum and Dad knew you couldn’t. You were just a child. They wouldn’t have wanted that.”  
“But I... I wanted to take care of you...”  
Carla shook her head again. “No... Craig, no. You couldn’t. I know you would have taken care of me if they had let us stay together. It wasn’t your fault.”

Craig was in tears again and Carla pulled him close, closing her arms around him while more tears ran down her face. 

“Craig no... God no... Have you been blaming yourself all that time?”  
“Yes,” Craig choked out between sobs. “I thought you’d be angry... or disappointed, and Mum and Dad would-”  
“Mum and Dad knew that you couldn’t do that,” Carla said firmly, her eyes closed. “And yes, I was sad, and angry, and disappointed, but never because of you. Never.”  
Craig was crying too hard to reply.  
“No, Craig...” Carla pressed him closer. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Eventually Craig calmed down again and the two stepped away from each other, but without letting go. 

“Craig?” Carla asked after a moment, still husky from crying.  
“Hmm?”  
“I know that... it’s probably stupid, but...” She tried to smile. “You probably did the same... like, imagining what I would be like. What I’d be doing.”  
Craig nodded.   
“So I...” Carla blinked rapidly a few times. “Please tell me you’re a mechanic and ride a bike?”

Craig huffed out a small, amused breath. “I’ve always loved fiddling around in engines with Dad, I know,” he said, his voice clogged from all those tears. “Yes, I’m a mechanic, and I ride a bike. I don’t play guitar, though. I play bass.”  
Carla smiled at him through her tears and nodded.  
“And you? Are you becoming a teacher like Mum?”  
“I’m trying to,” Carla replied with a shrug. “But I don’t... I mean I didn’t even think it through properly. I just wanted to go to Brisbane and I enrolled to get a visa. Yes, I’m... I thought I’d be a teacher, but I don’t think it’s me. I think... sometimes I think I’d rather be a mechanic, like Dad. Or anything more hands-on.”  
Craig chuckled softly. “What’s stopping you?”  
Carla shrugged again. “Low self-esteem, I guess,” she said in a low voice and looked away. “I think I’m afraid of machos.”

Craig shook his head with a smile. “You should have a chat with my girlfriend. She works for a security company, and she also plays rugby and rides a Harley. My girl doesn’t mess around.”  
“Wow,” Carla replied with a chuckle. “My boyfriend studies medicine.”

They looked at each other in silence with hesitant smiles before they embraced again. When they let go they both wiped their hands across noses, eyes and cheeks, and Carla dug into her pocket and produced a pack of tissues. Having sufficiently wiped eyes and noses the two smiled at each other again. Then Craig took her hand and turned around. 

The others had watched all this in silence, and none of them had dry eyes either. Not letting go of Carla’s hand Craig walked back and smiled at his friends. 

“Okay, so...” he began and pointed at Russell. “You sort of met Russ.”

“Hey,” Carla said and stepped forward to give Russell a hug.   
“Hey,” Russell said and hugged back. “Good to see you.”

Carla let go and stepped back again, more tears in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you so much.”  
“I didn’t really do anything,” Russell said and brushed a few hairs from his face.  
“Without you I wouldn’t be here,” she replied. “No idea how many more years we would have been looking for each other.”  
Russell smiled and nodded. “Glad to have helped.”

Craig nodded as well, wiped his eyes and then pointed at Danny. “That’s Danny, he’s Russell’s boyfriend.”  
“Hey,” Carla said to him and smiled. “Nice to meet you.”  
“Nice to meet you too,” Danny replied and offered her his hand that she took in a firm grip.

“And that’s Matt,” Craig went on with a tiny grin. “He’s been my best friend since high school.”  
Matt grinned and wiggled his fingers in a friendly wave. 

“And that’s my girl,” Craig said as he turned towards Janice, warmth returning to his voice. “Janice.”

“Hey,” Janice said and took a step forward. She rested her hands on Carla’s shoulders and touched her forehead with hers. “Welcome home.”

Carla burst into tears again and Janice slung her arms around her. It took only a moment however before Carla leaned back again, and she exchanged a smile with Janice who had red eyes as well. 

“I’ll take good care of him.” Janice stepped back with a wink. “Promised.”  
Carla smiled and wiped her eyes. “You’d better.”

Both women chuckled and Craig looked back and forth between them. 

“Did you just give my girlfriend the shovel talk?”  
Before Carla could reply, Janice stepped to his side with a laugh. “Someone had to,” she said and draped an arm around his shoulders. “So I don’t eat you for breakfast.”

Despite grinning Craig blushed, and the laughter was a relief after the tense, emotional mood they had all been in. 

“So what happens now?” Carla asked then.  
“Don’t know,” Craig replied. “Um... where are you staying?”  
“I booked myself into a hostel,” Carla replied and took her phone. “Let me get the address.”  
“I was thinking,” Craig began then. “We have a place for guests to stay and sleep. If you like.”  
Carla looked up from her phone and smiled at her brother. “I’d like that very much.”

“Off to Westmere then,” Matt announced and turned around to get Carla’s suitcase.


	28. Chapter 28

For obvious reasons there was no band practise that weekend. Matt and Beth stayed together at Beth’s place, and after Matt had gotten hold of him and explained, Tim had arranged to stay with a friend.

The rest of the band met at Russell’s and Danny’s place Saturday evening for a cookout. Matt had sent Craig a text asking if he and Carla wanted to come as well, but unsurprisingly Craig had declined. And since practising without their bass was rather pointless, they first met again in Westmere Sunday evening to discuss their schedule for the upcoming week. They had Monday to Friday left before their big day.

Craig had accompanied Carla to the airport and seen her off, and he was very thoughtful and silent as the others got settled with their tea and coffee. He got a few expectant looks when he sat down, and after a sigh, he looked around.

“You’re probably bursting with curiosity,” he said with a crooked little smile.  
“Yes,” Emma said and shrugged. “But it’s not really our business, is it?”  
Craig gave her a one sided shrug and a hesitant smile. “I’d probably better give you a condensed version so you know why I’m going to be fucked up for a few days.”

Russell leaned forward, looking slightly worried. “Are you going to be okay?”  
“If you’re thinking about the concert,” Craig replied, still smiling, “then don’t worry, I’m going to be okay once I’m on stage. Promised.”  
“It’s not only that,” Russell said and leaned back. “You don’t look too good.”

Craig chuckled and took a sip of his coffee. “I just didn’t sleep much. We both didn’t.”  
“Lots of catching up, I suppose?” Matt asked.

Craig nodded with a hum and took a deep breath.

“So, unsurprisingly Cally hates her stepfather with a vengeance,” he began after a moment. “He was of the opinion that if he took everything away that reminded her of us, she’d heal faster. Which worked brilliantly well, of course,” he added darkly.

The others exchanged a few dismayed and angry looks.

“Yeah, she said she rebelled against him as much as she could, even though he spoiled her rotten. She got everything she even thought of, but all she wanted was me and the pictures he had chucked.”

“What a wanker,” Emma muttered under her breath.

“He had already taken them all away when they were still living in Auckland, but she complained about it and I sent her one,” Craig went on. “She said she managed to get Anna, who was Tom’s wife at that time, to scan it for her. She wasn’t happy about Carla, but she wasn’t happy about the way Tom handled the whole situation either. So that one picture was all she had, and she managed to keep it hidden from him all that time.”  
“Let me guess,” Russell said cautiously. “It was the same picture that you have on your phone.”

Craig’s crooked grin was all the answer that was needed.

“And when they left Auckland without her being allowed to say goodbye she said she started screaming as much as she could, all the way, and Tom was very popular on the plane.” Craig shook his head. “So apparently he tried therapy, but when the therapist said she needed those keepsakes to heal, they never went there again.”

After a long pause, Craig went on, looking into his cup.

“She told me she almost lost track back then, started drinking and doped and almost dropped out of school. But when her teachers told her she shouldn’t waste away her life because her parents wouldn’t have wanted that, she realised that if she managed to get good grades she could get a good job and be able to move back here. Or to Brisbane. So she started working really hard again, and in the end she got a scholarship for Brisbane.”

“So,” Danny said after a moment. “Where has she been all the time?”  
“Belgium,” Craig replied. “She’s been living in a small town near Brussels.” Then he looked up again. “Now she’s trying to become a teacher but isn’t happy about it, but she has a boyfriend there who’s still studying. She can’t throw everything to come to Auckland just like that, but she said she’d start thinking of a way.”  
“But at least now you can keep in touch,” Danny went on.  
“We’re friends on Facebook now,” Craig said with a smile and a nod. “And we got each other’s addresses and numbers and email. And compared to Brussels, Brisbane is practically around the corner.”

Matt wordlessly got up to make more coffee, and the others remained lost in a thoughtful silence.

At one point during dinner, Craig looked up at Russell with a smile. “Russ?”  
“Hmm?” Russell swallowed and put down his fork.  
“You’re probably wondering if I’m good to go when we start practising again tomorrow.”  
“I was thinking about it,” Russell replied cautiously. “But I wasn’t sure if it would be rude to ask...”  
“I totally get it. But you’re not the only one who’s excited about Saturday.” Then he lifted his bottle. “I’m good to go. Let’s go rock the stage.”

They all lifted their drinks.

“To Jormungand,” Craig said.

“To Jormungand!” The others echoed that before drinking.

* * *

They didn’t practise Friday night and just hung out together in Westmere, trying not to get too excited about their big day tomorrow. The name Jormungand was advertised online now for the event, but they still wondered how many people, if anyone beside their friends, would actually come to see them. Still, they spent some time gathered round Matt’s laptop to stare at eventfina.co.nz, where their name featured on the front page for Auckland Live Summer in the Square.

 

 

Russell was hardly able to fall sleep that evening, but Danny managed to calm him down eventually.

Axl and his van stood ready the next morning, and everyone in the band thanked him profusely for all the help. Axl waved this aside and said he was happy to help anytime, and that as Russell’s closest friends and band members they were practically family anyway.

After unloading their gear Axl left them after some encouraging thumbs-ups, and while the techies now got the drum kit and the amplifiers into place, Russ, Matt, Beth, and Craig tuned their instruments. Emma checked the moistness of her flute, and Danny spun his drumsticks around his fingers while he watched with hawk eyes how the techies handled his baby.

A few other techies were working backstage on cables and light switches, and the band was able to overhear their conversation, much to their amusement.

“Did you see the size of that animal?” One techie said. “I bet you he keeps destroying drums every gig.”  
“Either that, or he’s lame as fuck,” the other replied. “I mean come on, a drummer with glasses? And that haircut? He’s probably completely fucked when he has to do anything else than a one-two, one-one-two rhythm.”

Hearing them chuckle and snicker, Danny stopped spinning his sticks and looked up at his band mates who were exchanging grins.

“What?” He said, as he had been so focussed on the techies dealing with his kit to pay attention.  
“They seem to think I’m the drummer,” Matt said with a grin. “Which probably makes you, with the most metal look of us all, the lead singer.”  
Danny snorted. “Sure.”

Still grinning, Matt picked up his violin just as the two techies came around the corner. They looked a little baffled when they saw Matt and his violin and Danny who was spinning his drum sticks.

The lights on stage went on, and everyone squared shoulders and cracked knuckles.

“Okay guys and gals,” someone called behind them. “Your turn!”

They were greeted with applause when they entered the stage, and a few cheers from their friends, their most loyal fans.

“Hello,” Russell said into the microphone. “We’re Jormungand, and we’re going to play some Viking folk metal for you.”

Another group of people hollered and cheered, and Russell spotted two more men besides crazy Craig sticking out of the crowd. Axl he would have expected, but that Olaf was here did surprise him a bit. And then a screech in the frequency of chalk on blackboard told him that Seona was also there, which meant that his father was probably here too. Russell waved, and Olaf waved back.

Then Russell plucked a few chords and waited for Danny to give them the count of four.

And as soon as they started, they began to attract quite the crowd.

Somewhere back in the crowd, Anders watched his family with amusement. Seona was going wild, Olaf and Axl were clapping and cheering, and the kids were dancing like crazy. He himself, Mike and Michele, and Ty and Dawn were slightly less enthusiastic about the type of music, but even they had to admit that the band up there did a damn good job.

Russell was in his element, and Anders watched him with a fond smile. He clearly remembered Russell’s first time on stage fifteen years ago, a little boy standing in front of the choir, dressed like an angel and looking like an angel too with the golden hair curling around his face.

And now he looked at the young man who owned the crowd and the stage, and knew that this was where he belonged. Love and fascination for languages and Vikings or not, Russell was a musician, not a scholar.

True, Anders really wasn’t fond of that kind of music, but he could acknowledge the quality of their performance, and the few songs that weren’t metal but more folk gave even him a few goose bumps. Hearing Russell sing in Old Norse awoke a few unpleasant memories, but Russell seemed unaffected by that and was clearly enjoying using the language in songs that gave Anders a slightly eerie feeling of unease. He tried to push those thoughts aside. His son was having the time of his life, and he didn’t need his father worry about things that were in the past.

It was the first time that Anders heard their music like this, as he had only listened to a few short demos on Russell’s phone. Now he could watch him interact with his band members and especially Danny. The two would occasionally exchange a look, and even from this distance Anders could see the spark between them. Those two were clearly made for each other.

But it wasn’t only Russell who was shining. True, he didn’t know his son’s best friends half as well as he would like, but he could see the chemistry and the bond between those six young people, as well as their proficiency. Each one of them had a solo, the bass, the violin, and the flute – and wasn’t it another little wonder to see the little girl who had been Russell’s best friend through all those years with him on stage – but he had to admit that the drum solo made the biggest impression. He wouldn’t deny he might be biased, but Danny gave an impressive performance.

A few more people were joining the crowd, and to his utter surprise Anders could see two people approach he would never have expected here. He nudged Seona who stopped headbanging for a moment, and indicated towards the couple with a smile. Seona nodded and smiled back, and immediately lost herself in the music again when Anders left.

“Hello,” Anders said to Roger and Dorothy who looked very much out of place and clearly felt that way too. “I have to admit I didn’t expect you here.”  
“We didn’t expect us here either,” Roger replied. “But here we are anyway.”  
“Daniel knows we can’t stand this music,” Dorothy went on, “but we thought he might appreciate us being here.”  
“He will appreciate it,” Anders replied. “You don’t have to like the music to support his performance. I am not overly fond of that music myself.”

Dorothy looked past him with a smile. “Your wife on the other hand seems to be very fond of this music,” she said with a chuckle.  
“She does.” Anders looked over his shoulder and back at Dorothy. “She’s one of a kind.”

Then they all looked back at the stage where Russell bowed to the applause of the audience.

“I know you regretted your choice more than once,” Anders said with a smile. “But Danny is damn good.”  
“We can see he is,” Roger replied wistfully. “He has loved his drum kit from the day he got it.”  
“And seeing him like this we know it was worth it,” Dorothy added. “He gets to live his dream, just like Russell does.”

The band had started another song, one that was very hard and fast and heavy on the drums. Anders inconspicuously watched Danny’s parents from the corner of his eyes. Roger bore his usual stoic expression, but Dorothy was tapping her foot to the rhythm.

“He is good,” Anders said again. “Drums is the only instrument where there’s no tolerance for mistakes on stage.”  
“We know,” Dorothy said. “And I had no idea about how good he really is. We only heard him practise at home.”  
“Not using his full potential, I gather,” Anders replied.  
“Obviously not.” Dorothy sighed. “I just wish I could like this music.”  
“He will appreciate your support anyway,” Anders said again, more firmly this time.

Not long after their performance was over Russell found them in the crowd, using his uncle and Olaf as a beacon, and he was as surprised as Anders had been upon seeing Danny’s parents. He had Danny in tow who looked completely baffled.

“Mum?” Danny looked back and forth between the two. “Dad?”

Dorothy sighed with a small, wistful smile. “We still hate that music,” she said. “But we thought we should be here for your first big concert.”

Danny, obviously at a loss for words, tried to smile and shrugged.

“I don’t think we will do it again,” Danny’s father said. “But we’re glad we came today. To see how good you are.”  
Licking his lips, Danny looked at his feet for a moment. “Thanks.”  
“It’s good to see that it was worth it,” his mother said and put her hands onto Danny’s shoulders. “Even though I have no problem admitting we’re more than happy your drum kit is no longer a part of our household.”

She hesitated for a moment, then she pulled her son into a hug. Danny hugged her back, and his father clapped his shoulder after they had parted.

“Since we’re all here,” Anders said after Danny had stepped back to Russell’s side. “I was wondering if you like to come over at one point for a Christmas dinner or lunch?”

“Oh.” Danny’s mother smiled and exchanged a look with her husband. “Roger?”  
Roger nodded and looked back at Anders. “Do you have something planned?”  
“I guess you’re having family over on Christmas Eve and Christmas,” Anders replied. “But maybe dinner on Boxing Day? Or a brunch?”  
“A brunch sounds lovely,” Dorothy said. “Thank you very much.”  
“Great,” Anders said and rubbed his hands. “I’m looking forward to that.”  
“So do we,” Dorothy replied with a smile.

Anders smiled at Russell and Danny. Danny had one arm around Russell’s shoulders and Russell one arm around Danny’s hips, and they both smiled cautiously back.

Before Anders could say anything else Seona had finally reached them, her eyes shiny and her curls more than slightly dishevelled.

“That was so great!” She flung one arm around Russell’s neck and the other around Danny’s. “Ma bonnie wee barras! Ye were amazing!”

Then she stepped back and only now noticed Danny’s parents. She quickly tried to sort her hair and cleared her throat.

“Hello,” she said, trying to get her Scottish accent back under control. “Nice to see you here.”

Roger nodded with a hint of a smile and Dorothy seemed to bite back a grin. Seona just had that effect on people.

“Right.” Anders smiled fondly at his wife and looked around. “How about I invite everyone for a coffee?”  
“You know what?” Dorothy adjusted her handbag. “Why don’t we invite everyone for a coffee? We live a lot closer by and I love having guests.”  
“I won’t say no to that,” Anders replied and took Seona’s hand.

“We see you in Meadowbank,” Russell said and smiled. “We just have to catch up with the others.”  
“Take your time,” Dorothy replied, smiling back at him.

Russell and Danny watched their respective parents leave, and after exchanging a smile, they turned the other way to find their friends while the Johnsons and the Barnetts headed towards their cars.


	29. Chapter 29

“I really didn’t expect that,” Russell said thoughtfully as they headed towards crazy Craig who was as excellent an orientation device as Axl and Olaf were.  
“My folks showing up here?” Danny shook his head. “Neither did I.”

They had reached the others now and together the band headed backstage where the techies had stored the parts of Danny’s kit next to their other instruments. They loaded everything into the van and Russell sent Axl a text that he could come and pick up the van when he was ready.

A few more high-fives were exchanged, and they were just about to leave the backstage area when a familiar voice called out to Russell.

“Oh, hi Mr Cornell.” Russell smiled broadly. “How did we do?”  
“You know bloody well how you did,” Cornell gave back, but with a smile, which meant things were running according to plan for now. “Which is why I came to find you.”

Russell forced himself to keep smiling.

“You guys did splendidly, and you know that,” Cornell said. “The audience likes you. And you’ve come a long way from that bunch of buskers with only three songs.”  
Russell lifted one eyebrow but left the word buskers uncommented.  
“So here’s what I think,” Cornell went on. “I think you’re ready to try and apply for the festival.”

These words were followed by a stunned silence.

“Apply, I said, right?” Cornell pulled his phone out and checked the time. “I can’t promise a thing, and even if you get accepted it’s not going to be A or B stage, probably not even C. But after today, I’d say you have a chance. Now mind you,” he looked up again at Russell with a frown, “there are dozens of other bands on those lists. You could be applying three years in a row and not get in. But you’re good enough to make it worth a try.”

Russell opened his mouth, but had no idea what to say. It was Emma who came to his aid.

She stepped to Russell’s side and touched his arm. “You really think we’re good enough to have a chance?”  
“If I didn’t I wouldn’t have said so, would I?” Cornell slipped his phone back into his pocket. “I don’t keep running after bands for shits and giggles. Now you need to get going, the next act needs setting up.”

All six of them left the backstage area, still too stunned to speak.

It was Danny who finally broke the silence. “We’re really good enough for the festival?”

Several looks were exchanged.

“Cornell wouldn’t have said so,” Matt replied after a moment. “He knows what he’s talking about.”

After another moment, Russell took a deep breath. “But that means we probably have to apply pretty soon. They start planning the next festival as soon as the old one is cleared.”  
“And that means before mid-year break, I guess.” Craig looked at Danny. “So this is the moment to find out how we’ll be doing with a drummer who works stupid shifts.”

Danny opened his mouth with a frown, then closed it again and rolled his shoulders when the others narrowed their eyes at him or lifted a warning finger, or both. “Okay,” he said slowly. “Okay, I’m not going to talk about another drummer, but it’s going to be a fucking challenge.”  
“Challenge accepted,” Craig replied and nudged Danny’s chest with a fist.

“Come on,” Emma said and patted Danny’s arm. “We all knew this is going to happen. We’ll make it work.”

“So, anyone up for a drink?” Beth asked. “I’m in the mood for a proper celebration.”  
“Absolutely,” Matt replied and pulled her close. “Where to?”  
“Watering Hole?” Craig asked. “Russ and Danny’s place? Or Westmere?”  
“How about Westmere so we can all get properly drunk?” Matt looked around with a grin.

That idea was met with approval.

“We’ve been invited to have a coffee with the folks,” Danny said then. “But we catch up with you.”  
“Great!” Matt let go of Beth and took her hand. “See you later!”

Russell and Danny watched the others go, and slowly turned to look at each other. Then they wordlessly embraced.

“Is this really happening?” Russell whispered.  
“Eventually,” Danny muttered into his hair. “Maybe not on the first attempt. But one day, it will. We’re a lot closer now.”

They leaned back and kissed, and then let go of each other. Hand in hand they made their way to their car, and they were both lost in thoughtful silence on their way to Meadowbank.

Coffee and cookies were already waiting for them, and when Russ and Danny told their parents about what Cornell had said, they were as surprised as the band had been.

“But honestly,” Seona said then, “I think he’s right. You’re good enough.”  
“I like to think so,” Russell said and clutched his cup. “Though I wonder how many applications it’ll take.”  
“With luck, only one,” Anders replied and folded his arms onto the table. “I guess this is the perfect moment to make the proposal I had in mind for a while now.”  
“And that is?” Russell bit his lip.  
“Well, if you’re going to make it big, you need someone to sort your PR and all that.” Anders grinned. “And who would be more qualified as your manager than the owner of a PR agency?”

Russell stared at his father with his mouth agape.

“Now, I’m not trying to take over,” Anders went on firmly. “And you can say no of course and manage your stuff yourself, and feel free to come and ask for help every now and then. I just thought I’d offer.”

“Wow...” Danny put his cup down. “Anders... I have no idea what to say.”  
“You don’t have to say anything,” Anders replied. “You have to run that by the others anyway. It’s an offer.”  
“Thanks,” Danny replied. “Thank you so much. You really don’t have to do this...”  
“I know.” Anders said with a smile. “But I want to help. And I’m sure that if the problem could be solved with plumbing, Roger would be more than happy to help instead.”  
“Absolutely,” Roger replied and bit into his cookie.

Russell was still speechless, and he found his wits back only very slowly. He hugged his father fiercely when they were leaving, and Anders just smiled at him and ruffled his hair.

“Dad...” Russell combed his hair back with a slightly indignant huff.  
“Have fun,” Anders told him. “We talk next week.”  
“Thank you, Dad.” Russell sighed. “Thank you so much.”  
“No worries.” Anders winked. “Now go and have fun, I said.”

The two remained silent on their way to Westmere, both still overwhelmed by the events of the day. A chance at the festival and a prospective manager all in one afternoon.

When Russell told the others about his father’s offer, they were thrilled at the thought at having a manager to make them feel even more like an important band. Now with one more reason the band celebrated into the small hours of the night, making the wildest plans for their future and world tours of Jormungand, and fans, and merchandise, and autograph sessions.

Most of these were wild dreams of course, and they knew that perfectly well, but it was undeniable that the future for Jormungand looked very bright right now.

* * *

The band spent their Christmas holidays separately; Beth with her family in Hamilton and Matt with his in Christchurch. Craig was staying with his aunt and uncle in Kelston as usual, but had happily announced that Carla had been able to get another flight and that they were in for the surprise of their lives.

Emma spent Christmas with her mother in Mission Bay, and she and Christine had dinner together with the Johnsons in Godden Crescent on Christmas Eve. Russ and Danny stayed the night, and spent Christmas day with the extended Johnson Clan. Even after all those years, they still met in Godden Crescent every Christmas, and just like on Russell’s first Christmas in Auckland so many years ago, the house still looked like coming straight from a Dickens novel. There were candles and wreaths and baubles and a mistletoe, and cookies and silly hats and Christmas crackers.

There was also Matiu, Ruby’s first boyfriend, a lanky Maori boy who was clearly overwhelmed by the clan of Johnsons who immediately declared and treated him as family. He and Ruby found themselves a corner in the living room as far away from the ruckus as possible and tried not to be noticed.

Ty and Dawn had their troubles getting their children into the car that evening, except Ruby and Matiu who seemed to be more than happy to escape the madness. Once the house was silent again, Anders started picking up Christmas cracker shards and candy wrappers. Russell, Danny and Seona gave him a hand, and within an hour the house was restored to its usual calm and orderly appearance.

Now, with the chaos over and silence descending over the empty house, the four settled down in the living room with a bottle of wine to take a breath and enjoy some peaceful companionship before bedtime.

“So, Dad,” Russell said after they had gotten comfortable. “I talked to the others about your offer.”  
“You mentioned that, yes,” Anders replied with a smile. “And that they didn’t seem opposed.”  
“I think the words I used were ‘totally thrilled’,” Russell said with a small grin. “But none of us really has a clue about the whole thing.”  
“Neither do I,” Anders gave back with a wink. “But I’m going to familiarise myself with the particulars, no worries. Are any of your friends coming back for New Year’s Eve?”  
“All of them,” Russell replied. “We’re having a party in Westmere. Why?”  
“Because I think we should get the whole thing going soon,” Anders said and took a sip of wine. “I think we should make the whole thing as official as possible for us all, and we should talk about the details of a proper contract.”  
“Contract?” Russell leaned forward with a frown. “Why a contract?”  
“Because I may be your dad,” Anders gave back and put down his glass, “but if I’m the manager of your band, then that doesn’t matter. I’m going to manage your affairs and your finances, or as much as you agree to anyway, and we all want to be on the safe side of the regulations.”

Russell looked into his glass and huffed with a wry smile. “I wouldn’t have thought I’d ever need to make a contract with my dad,” he said.  
“That’s because in this instance I’m not your dad, but a prospective business partner.” Anders took another sip of wine. “And then, if you all agree, Jormungand is going to become one of my clients.”  
“That sounds weird,” Russell replied with a chuckle and lifted his glass. “But I drink to that.”

Now Danny joined the conversation as well. “So, are we going to have a team meeting after Christmas?”  
“I’d say so,” Anders replied. “Then we can get all official with the beginning of the new year.”  
“Sounds like a really good idea.” Danny exchanged a smile with Russell. “And thanks again.”

Anders smiled and lifted his glass, and the others followed suit.

* * *

The next morning was a flurry of activities again to get everything ready by ten o’clock when Danny’s parents would arrive. 

Seona laid the table, lovingly decorated with twigs of spruce and holly tied with red ribbon. She just had a hand for these things and Anders left her to it, having yet to be disappointed. Danny helped her with plates and cutlery while the two Johnsons manned the kitchen. 

“You could set up a camera right now and sell it as a cooking show,” Danny remarked in a low voice as he arranged the coffee cups.   
Seona snorted under her breath. “Or an infomercial for kitchen equipment and utensils.”

There was high-precision chive-chopping and bacon-dicing, egg beating with elegant flick of wrists, then it was adding the right amount of butter into hot oil that it immediately melted in a sizzle but did not burn, to get the sausages fried just-so, golden brown and juicy. Served with a sprinkle of marjoram and garnished with a few delicately fanned-out onion rings they now sat next to eggs Benedict on a hot plate, the latter decorated with finely chopped red onion and a sprig of parsley.

“If we ever need another income, you should open a five-star restaurant,” Danny said to the two Johnson men as Anders put the tray with sliced roast onto the table while Russell put down a basket of bread cut into squares that probably weighed the same down to the third decimal point.

Both of them looked at Danny with the same mildly annoyed, questioning frown, and that immediately had Seona in stitches. 

Before any further mayhem could ensue the doorbell rang, and Anders hastily wiped his hands on his apron while Seona went to open the door. 

“Good morning, and welcome!” She opened the door and stepped aside to let the Barnetts in. “Did you have a nice Christmas?”  
“We did, thank you,” Dorothy said with a smile and presented Seona with a bottle of wine with a golden bow around its neck. 

“Welcome!” Anders had gotten rid of his apron and offered first Dorothy and then Roger his hand. “Make yourselves comfortable.”

After everyone was seated, Anders, who had distributed tea and coffee, now sat down as well and indicated at the array of dishes on the table. Then he paused and cleared his throat before looking at Roger. Roger lifted his eyebrows.

Anders lowered his hand again. “Would you like to say grace?”  
Roger blinked twice and put down his cup. “I would. Thank you very much.”

Roger did not make a big affair out of it, just a few words of thanks to the Lord, and when Anders and Seona joined their Amen, Russell quickly followed while Danny just looked confused. 

Then Roger picked up his coffee. “I thought you aren’t a believer?” He questioningly looked at Anders over the rim of his cup.   
“I’m not,” Anders replied. “But I don’t have to share a faith to respect it.”

Roger inclined his head while Dorothy gave Anders a warm smile of appreciation. 

“Thank you,” she said. “That is very kind of you.”

But while everyone now reached for their food, Danny was still staring at his plate. Russell dropped a piece of bread onto his plate and touched Danny’s arm.

“Danny? You okay?”  
Now Danny finally looked up and shrugged with a sigh. “I just… I feel like a colossal dick right now.”   
Russell leaned back with a frown. “What?”  
Danny sighed again and also shrugged again. “It’s… um… it’s because Anders just made me realise what…”  
“Daniel,” his mother cut in gently. “It’s okay. I appreciate it, but this is not the time or place to get lost in mistakes and regrets.”  
Danny could hardly meet her eyes. “Still, I… I’m sorry, Mum. And Dad.”  
“It’s appreciated,” Roger said as well. “But let’s just remember neither of us respected what was important to the other, and leave it at that.”

“Right,” Seona said after a moment into the slightly awkward silence. “I just join here with a few words from my own homeland.” Then she cleared her throat. “Some ha’ meat wha’ canna eat, and some can eat what want it, but we ha’ meat, and we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit!” In her best Scottish accent, there was hardly a discernible word in that for the Kiwis surrounding her. 

She grinned brightly at all the confused expressions. 

“I guess I better translate that.” She chuckled. “Some have meat and cannot eat, and some can eat but have none, but we have meat, and we can eat, so we give our thanks to the Lord.”  
“Amen,” Roger said, and there was an actual, somewhat crooked smile on his face.   
“Then let’s dig in,” Seona said and held out her hand for Roger’s plate.

Danny was tense at first, but eventually he relaxed again when his mother smiled at him whenever he looked at her. He didn’t seem completely over his realisation, however. 

“Oh and before I forget,” Dorothy said as they had finished dessert. “I have some really good news.” She smiled brightly at Danny and went on: “Emily and Liam had a little girl last night!”

That brought the smile back to Danny’s face. “Really? That’s awesome!” He put down his cup. “Everything went okay?”  
“As far as we know,” his mother replied. “I think by now Laura would have told me if there had been anything out of the ordinary. So the two had to spend most of Christmas in the hospital, and she was born shortly after eleven.”  
“Some Christmas gift,” Anders said with a broad smile and got up. “This calls for a celebration.”

He came back moments later with a bottle of champagne and Russell, who knew his father well enough, had already supplied the glasses. 

“Why, thank you,” Dorothy said as Anders expertly uncorked the bottle. “I mean, it’s not even your family?”  
“Oh, but it’s yours,” Anders smiled and handed her a glass with an elegant flourish. “And we’re going to be family in the foreseeable future so… Congratulations on becoming a... an aunt?”  
“Technically it would be a great-aunt, as it is my niece’s child,” Dorothy replied. “But I settle for aunt, great-aunt makes me feel so terribly old.” She chuckled and shrugged.

Anders lifted his glass and the two brought their glasses together with a clink. 

And after the table was cleared and more tea and coffee had been served the inevitable happened, the age-old tradition at family meetings, which were childhood anecdotes between parents. Seona occasionally reined Anders in by means of kicking him under the table, but some things are just subject to the universal laws of the narrative imperative. It was something all parents of boyfriends, girlfriends, and/or future spouses did, and Russell and Danny endured it as millions of others before. 

Once in bed, however, Russell turned towards Danny and nudged him in the ribs. “Hey, you really could have told me the thing about the-”  
“I don’t even want to think about it,” Danny cut him off. “And I sure as fuck am not going to talk about it again.”  
Russell snorted and let himself fall back. “Parents, eh?” He asked as he adjusted his head on the pillow.  
“Parents.” Then Danny looked at him. “Think we’re going to do the same horrible thing when it’s our turn?”  
Russell grinned at the ceiling. “I’d be surprised if we didn’t.”  
“But I better keep an eye on you,” Danny said and adjusted his position. “With you being your father’s son.”

Russell could only grin at that. He looked at Danny again who grinned back, and the two snuggled closer. 

“So, how many do you want?” Danny asked then.  
“Two, I guess,” Russell said after a moment. “I mean, if you have to go somewhere alone, then you shouldn’t have more kids than you have hands, right?”  
“Sounds reasonable,” Danny replied and kissed his temple.  
“We’re going to be awesome dads.” Russell rested his head against Danny’s.   
“When the time comes,” Danny said and threaded their fingers together.  
“When the time comes,” Russell agreed and reached out to switch off the light.


	30. Chapter 30

Russell and Danny didn’t even have to talk about their plans for the next day, after sleeping in and a very late breakfast they left the house and headed straight to the hospital, only stopping to buy flowers and chocolate.

As soon as they had reached the maternity ward they ran into Shirley, who greeted Danny with a happy smile. Russell leaned against the wall with a smile of his own as the two exchanged a bit of small talk.

“And this is my boyfriend,” Danny said then and nodded at Russell. “Or… well, actually he’s my fiancé.”  
“Nice to meet you,” Shirley said, her smile wrinkles deepening.  
“Nice to meet you too,” Russell replied. “Danny talked about you a lot.”  
“Good things I hope,” Shirley replied with a soft laugh.

Russell winked at her and she laughed again, but she had to get back to her work.

“She’s a nice one,” Russell remarked as they walked down the corridor looking for Emily’s room.  
“She’s an absolute sweetheart,” Danny said with a nod and lowered his voice. “I don’t know what I’d have done without her and Megan.”

Russell touched Danny’s arm, and at that moment they had found the room they were looking for. Danny knocked, and opened the door when Emily called at them to come in.

“Hi Danny!” She was sitting in the bed with the baby under her blanket next to her, and she smiled so brightly that it looked as if she was the happiest woman on earth.  
“Hey Emily.” Danny walked towards the bed and offered her the flowers. “How are you doing?”  
“Splendid. She’s perfect.” She beamed up at him as she took the flowers. “Thank you!”

“I find a vase for those,” Russell said after handing Emily the chocolates. When he came back with the vase Emily was already digging into the chocolates with an expression of delight.

“Thank you so much for these,” she said and picked another one. “I thought when I was pregnant, being always hungry and craving sweet stuff couldn’t get any worse. I had no idea.”

Danny had pulled a chair closer to the bed, and Russell now did the same.

“Did everything go okay?” He asked, but he kept staring at the baby.  
“Oh, absolutely fine, although if you had asked me about that day before yesterday I’d have probably said something else.” Emily almost giggled. “I think poor Liam’s ears are still ringing.”

Then she looked at the baby, and her eyes and her smile softened considerably. “But she was fine, and I only needed a few stitches. She’s perfect.”  
“What’s her name?” Russell asked then.  
“Caitlyn. After Liam’s grandmother.”  
“She’s an absolute sweetie.” Russell couldn’t take his eyes off the baby.

“Here, you can do me a favour.” Emily sat up and carefully swung her legs out of the bed. “I need to pee.”  
“Best babysitter in the world,” Russell said with a grin and reached for the baby. “Can I pick her up?”  
“Sure. I think she should wake up any time now for the next feeding anyway.”

Emily got up and winced as she took the first step.

“You okay?” Danny was at her side in an instant. “Do you need a hand?”  
“Nah.” She smiled. “You’re sweet, thank you. I’m just sore and feel as if I’ve been kicked by a horse.” As she headed towards the door she sighed and arched her back. “And here I thought I was done with the waddling once this was over.”

Russell had picked the little baby girl up and was now cradling her in his arms. And since he was a professional, he hadn’t even woken her up in the process.

“You and babies,” Danny said in fond exasperation.  
“What?” Russell didn’t take his eyes off the tiny face. “I love babies. They’re so... tiny and… sweet…”  
“I know.” Danny stepped to his side and couldn’t suppress a smile as the baby pulled a face and yawned.

Then she pulled another face and farted.

“I’m impressed,” Danny said drily.

The baby’s sounds made it clear now that she was working quite hard on that one, and professional that he was, Russell was already on his way to the changing table in the corner. By the time Emily came back he had deftly taken care of things, and the baby was just beginning to complain.

“Ugh, sorry,” Emily said as she took her. “Things just take forever right now. I can only move in slow-motion.”  
“No worries,” Russell replied brightly.  
“Russell loves babies,” Danny added with a little smile.

Emily took the baby and looked pointedly back and forth between the two while sitting down on the bed.

“Not anytime soon,” Russell said firmly.

All three of them laughed, and after Emily had gotten comfortable on the bed with her baby, Russell and Danny said goodbye to her as Emily was clearly looking tired again and she and the baby needed a bit more rest after the feeding.

“Will you be okay?” Russell asked as they were about to leave. “Do you need something else?”  
“Liam should be back soon,” Emily replied with a smile. “I’m fine, thank you.”  
“Great.” He waved. “Take care of yourself!”

Emily waved back, and Russell softly closed the door behind him.

“Babies...” he sighed.

Danny rolled his eyes and nudged him in the ribs. Russell looked up at him and the two exchanged a grin.

“Reconsidering the ‘only two’ bit?” Danny muttered with a wink as they had reached the elevator.  
Russell snorted and pressed the button. “You shouldn’t ask me that question right after we leave the maternity ward.”

Danny snorted as well, but the elevator arrived that moment, and two nurses plus three other people were already inside. The elevator stopped, and because neither of the two paid attention they got out with everyone else and realised their mistake first as the elevator doors closed behind them with a ‘ding’.

There was a small play house in a corner; next to it were a few mats and a heap of plush animals. Friendly animals were also painted on the walls.

“Paediatric ward?” Russell asked.  
Danny nodded. “Some cool people working there, but it was kind of hard dealing with the patients sometimes. I mean in terms of... like, injured small kids or really sick ones.”  
Russell ran his hand down Danny’s arm. “I can imagine.”

He cast a look towards the entrance as they waited for the elevator and suddenly narrowed his eyes. With a frown he let go of Danny’s hand and walked towards the double glass door and a printed notice taped to the wall next to the door.

**_Volunteers wanted_ **

Russell was thoughtfully chewing his lips as he read that note. Danny caught up with him and gave him a questioning look.

“They’re looking for volunteers,” Russell said. “I mean this refers primarily to the holidays but it’s not New Year’s yet so...”  
“You want to be a volunteer?”  
“Why not?” Russell looked up at Danny with a frown at the doubtful tone in his voice.  
Danny shrugged. “You might run into an encounter with blood or... other things. Just saying. This is the hospital, after all.”  
“Right.” Russell sighed.

Then he stared at the door again, or rather, through the glass.

“Oh come on,” Danny said and patted him between the shoulders. “Just go and ask.”  
Russell looked at him. “You sure?”  
“No.” Danny shrugged. “But you seem to be. It’s worth a try if you want it so badly.”  
“Who says I do?”  
“I know you, Russell Johnson.”

Russell opened his mouth, but after a moment shut it again without saying anything. Then he rolled his shoulders and opened the door.

“I see you downstairs,” Danny said. “I need a piss.”

Russell nodded and Danny left, heading for the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator.

Danny didn’t have to wait for long, and Russell was all excitement when he told Danny about the project: Volunteers to entertain the children on the ward, to distract them and make them smile and maybe make them forget their sickness or injury for a moment. Staff had been delighted when he had told them he made music.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, I told them,” he said as he opened the door of their car. “With my guitar. They are looking forward to that.”  
“I bet they do.” Danny smiled and sat down.  
“I’m so excited!”  
“I know.” Danny grinned at him as he started the engine. “Maybe you should consider a career as kindergarten or nursery staff.”

Russell just grinned back as he fastened his seatbelt.

* * *

Directly after coming home Russell had started practicing with his guitar and began putting together a collection of nursery rhymes, children’s songs and a few famous pop songs. It wasn’t much, but he would only be there until New Year’s Day, and since he also had to work a few days he couldn’t be there every day anyway.

He was ready to leave the next day shortly after lunch, and he was giddy with excitement as he closed his guitar case.

“I’m ready,” he said and rubbed his hands.  
“I very much hope so,” Danny said. “If I have to listen to _Puff the magic dragon_ one more time I’m going to puke rainbow coloured cotton candy.”  
“I thought you’d been tuning that out with your headphones?”  
“It’s limited what headphones and Deathwish can do against magic dragons,” Danny replied slowly and crossed his arms.

Russell was still chuckling when he left.

Entering the ward with his guitar case, Russell was immediately the centre of all attention. At the end of the corridor there was a large room with a large table covered in drawing materials and shelves with toys along the walls, and Russell settled down there, followed by a handful of curious children. As soon as he started playing he attracted more, and all of them watched and listened to him, completely enraptured.

Russell was in his element. He loved children, and to see that these little ones could truly forget they were in a hospital, just for a moment, made him incredibly happy. A few parents were also there, and occasionally a nurse popped her head in with a smile.

It was when he had exhausted his repertoire and announced that this was it for today that he noticed him: a young boy, maybe ten years or a bit younger, at the back of the group of children. His completely bare head left no doubt as to the reason why he was in the hospital, and he was staring at Russell and especially his guitar with unmasked hunger.

“Hey,” Russell said to him. The last of the other kids had left by now, but he was still there. “Are you okay?”  
The boy nodded and looked at the guitar again with a sigh.  
“Do you play guitar too?”  
“No,” the boy said in a low voice. “But I want to. I want to learn.”

Russell got up and moved to the sofa in the corner. He patted the place next to him, and after a moment’s hesitation, the boy sat down next to him.

“So, I’m Russ, but you know that already, right?” Russell winked.  
“I’m Jeremy,” the boy replied, and there was a small, hesitant smile on his lips.

Russell smiled back and moved a little closer.

“So this of course is an adult guitar and it’s too big. But you can try it if you like.”

Jeremy’s eyes grew wide and he stared at Russell with parted lips.

“Seriously?” He asked after a moment.  
“Sure. Have you ever played?”  
Jeremy shook his head. “No. I just want to learn.”  
“Okay.” Russell held out the guitar to him. “It really is too big, but let’s give this a try.”

He proceeded to explain how he had to hold the guitar and where the fingers had to go. Jeremy was squinting in concentration, the tip of his tongue sticking out from the corner of his mouth, but he managed to position his fingers for the easiest chord. And after a few attempts he got the angle right and actually produced an E minor.

The smile transformed his whole face, and for that moment he truly looked like a happy child, not one who was fighting a terrible illness.

“That wasn’t bad at all for the first attempt,” Russell said with a smile. “Okay so, if you move those two fingers up here and put this finger,” he gently took the finger in question, “over here,” he positioned the finger onto a string, “then you got an A minor.”

Again, after a few attempts Jeremy got the chord right, and he gave it all he had when he tried to alternate between those two chords a few times.

“Jeremy?”

A woman entered the room and Jeremy beamed up at her.

“Look Mum, I can play guitar!”

Squinting in concentration again he played the two chords a few times, clumsily and slowly of course, and hampered by the fact that the guitar was too big for him, but once he had done so, he looked at his mother again with shiny eyes.

“Well done,” his mother said and sat down on his other side, then she looked at Russell with a warm and grateful smile.  
“Hey,” Russell said. “I’m Russell Johnson, I’m a volunteer here. I started today.”  
“He plays guitar, Mum!” Jeremy cut in. “He can play Beatles!”  
“One song,” Russell said with an apologetic shrug and a chuckle. “But maybe I can learn a few more.”  
“Can you play Blackbird?” Jeremy looked up at him, his eyes shining.  
“Um… no,” Russell replied hesitantly. “But I could find it and see if I can learn it.”  
“Please, oh please please please, it’s my favourite song!”  
“In that case…” Russell chuckled. “I’ll do my best.”

“Right,” Jeremy’s mother said. “I’m sorry Jem, but it’s time for your blood sample. The lab nurses are here.”

Jeremy sighed and handed Russell the guitar back, and some of the light vanished from his eyes again. Some, but not all of it.

“Bye, Russ,” he said and waved as he left the room, holding on to his mother’s hand.  
“Bye,” Russell replied and waved back. “I see if I can make it tomorrow!”

He was rewarded with a bright grin, and smiling to himself, Russell got up and packed his guitar away.

That evening Russell looked for Blackbird and printed the chords and tabs, and also listened to it a few times while reading those. It wasn’t the easiest of songs, and he didn’t even like the Beatles, but it was doable. He started practicing immediately after dinner and within two hours had it roughly down. There were a few chords that even he hardly used and he lacked practice in those, but within a day or two, he would have it down satisfactorily.

“The things we do...” he muttered to himself as he closed his guitar case. He really wasn’t fond of the Beatles, but thinking of the light in a little boy’s eyes, he knew that this was worth it.

* * *

Russell had to work the next day, but he told Allan and Henry about the boy he had met in the hospital and his ambitions about learning to play guitar.

“Hmm,” Allan said and walked towards the section with guitars. “We had a children’s guitar on offer during Christmas sale…” He had reached the shelf and narrowed his eyes. “Ah, yes, we got two left. They’re a hundred and twenty.”  
“You should definitely talk to his mother,” Henry said. “We put one of them aside for them in case they want it.”  
“You’re the best,” Russell said and shook his head. “The absolute best.”  
“It’s just business sense,” Henry replied with a completely straight face. “We’re trying to create a future customer here.”  
“Sure,” Russell replied.  
“Sure,” Henry confirmed.

Then they exchanged a smile.

Russell managed to squeeze in an hour in the children’s ward that afternoon, but it was dinner time for the children immediately after and Jeremy’s mother wasn’t around either. So he kept the thing about the guitar to himself for now. Still, he was in a brilliant mood that evening thinking of the smiling children.

He had to promise Danny to practise _Puff the magic dragon_ only when he was in the gym, though.


	31. Chapter 31

Russell didn’t have to work on the day before New Year’s Eve and arrived in the hospital in the late morning. He was greeted happily by the children and especially by Jeremy who was wearing a beanie that day with the All Blacks Logo.

Jeremy’s mother was also there and Russell gave her a warm, happy smile before he started his performance. But when he had to take a break he asked Jeremy and his mother to stay while the other kids headed back to their rooms, although some remained to play with the various toys. 

“Right, so,” Russell began after stowing his guitar away in its case, “I have an offer, if you don’t mind.” He smiled at Jeremy, then at his mother. “I work at Grant & Wilson, the music store. We had children’s guitars on offer for the Christmas sale, and we still have a few left. If you’re interested, you can come and look at them.”

Jeremy’s eyes grew huge and he grabbed his mother’s hand. “Can we please, Mum? Can we? Can we please?”  
“Jeremy,” his mother said with a sigh. “You know you can’t leave the hospital yet.”

Jeremy visibly deflated and was close to tears, and his mother quickly reached out and put a hand on his cheek. 

“But I want to learn to play guitar, Mum.”  
“I know.” His mother smiled. “I talk to Dad and... we have a look, okay?”  
The light was back in the boy’s eyes and he nodded enthusiastically. “Oh please please please!”  
“But you can’t really start lessons before you can go home, you know that, right?” His mother said gently.  
“I know.” Then Jeremy bit his lip and cast a shy glance at Russell.

Russell laughed softly and then smiled brightly at the boy. “Of course I can,” he said. “At least until you can find a proper teacher.”

Jeremy was so happy he clapped his hands with a huge grin and flung his arms around his mother. “I’m going to learn guitar! Mum! I’m going to learn guitar!”  
Jeremy’s mother looked at Russell with deep gratitude in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. “It means a lot.”

Russell could almost read her thoughts; Jeremy was suffering from a disease that could well kill him, and everything that made him happy, that made him cling to life more and fight harder, was a step into the right direction. Of course he would teach the boy. He hadn’t even needed to think about it. 

“Okay then, it’s a deal,” Russell said to Jeremy. “As soon as you got your new guitar, we can start lessons.”

Jeremy looked back and forth between his mother and Russell and Russell’s guitar case, and with another chuckle, Russell unpacked his guitar again and patted the space next to him. Jeremy sat down on the sofa, wriggling in excitement, and took the far too large guitar with a frown of concentration. 

With his shining eyes and the beanie you could almost believe he was just a normal boy. 

He practised the two chords Russell had showed him with ardent zeal, until his fingers started hurting from the unfamiliar exertion of pressing down on the guitar strings. 

“You’ll get calluses for that, don’t worry,” Russell said with a wink. “If you practise enough.”  
“I’ll practise every day!” Jeremy nodded at both Russell and his mother. “Every day!”

Russell took the guitar again and plucked a few strings. “I have a full time job though, and I also have a boyfriend, so I don’t know if I can be here every day. But I promise I’ll be here as much as I can.”  
“Boyfriend?” Jeremy asked with a confused little frown.  
“Yes.” Russell kept on smiling. “I’m gay.”  
“Gay?”  
“It means he only likes boys and not girls,” Jeremy’s mother said, but her tone was gentle and she hadn’t stopped smiling. 

Russell was relieved to know that she wasn’t just tolerating him being gay as it was clear she didn’t have a problem. Not that he had plans to drag Danny along, but it was nice to know he could talk about him or mention him without things becoming awkward. 

“Okay and now,” Russell said and winked, “now I have a little gift for you.”

Then he started playing, and Jeremy’s eyes widened even more, and he was chewing his lips in excitement because of course he had recognised the song with the first chords. And seeing him like that Russell knew learning the song had been well worth it. 

He left a very happy little boy that day when he left the hospital, and he couldn’t stop smiling himself. Jeremy’s mother had promised to look at the guitars, and Jeremy could hardly rein in his excitement. 

And if that’s what it took to help a boy in his fight against cancer, Russell would brave the hospital ward – and the Beatles – for as long as he needed to.

* * *

Later that afternoon Russell and Danny headed to Godden Crescent, where Anders had invited the band for a meeting to discuss the future of Jormungand with Anders as their possible manager. 

Russell made coffee and tea while the others settled around the table, and Anders spread out a few sheets of paper he had printed. Once everyone was seated Anders looked at every one of them with a smile. 

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll get right to the point. I know you’re not really established and have no contracts and fees yet, but I found a way to make this work without payment.” He looked at one of his prints. “For now I’m doing this for free, and I mean it’s not a big deal, there’s not that much to manage just yet. But as soon as that changes, we sit down together again and discuss finances.”

He grabbed another piece of paper and a pen. 

“I did make a project number for Jormungand though, so you’re officially my client now. So if I need to use anything more than just a bit of time I can bill you, but I doubt that’s going to be much, and we figure out the payment issues when we have to. That means we also have to make a contract, nice and official, and I printed that right here.” He tapped on the stack of paper with his pen. “The only question that remains is this: Do you want to transfer responsibility for all this to one of you who acts as a sort of spokesman, or do you want to sign individually?”

Everyone looked at Russell, who immediately shook his head. “I said from the beginning I don’t want to be the boss or in any way more important than anyone else in the band. I’d rather we all sign individually if that’s okay with you.”

“As long as I don’t accidentally buy a washing machine I’m totally fine with signing that,” Matt said with a small grin. “How about you guys?”

General consensus was quickly established, in that they would indeed sign separately and Anders would work on turning Jormungand into a legal entity. So now they all signed two copies of the contract with J:PR, one to keep and one for Anders’ files. 

“Feels weird,” Matt remarked then. “Feels like we’re already one step further to world fame and millions of sold CDs and tracks on iTunes.”  
“That’s because we are,” Emma replied firmly. “Anders will land us a recording contract, as soon as we’re ready.”  
“And when are we ready?” Matt asked and looked around.  
“As soon as we have enough songs and have practised enough,” Russell said and looked up from his contract. “And we’re already working on that.”

“One thing at a time,” Anders said then with a smile. “For now we start with a homepage and the design of your Spotify account. I’ll prioritise the latter because you’ll need that for your application for the festival. Then I’ll start on the homepage. I guess it’s okay if I put a few truncated tracks there as demos?”  
“Of course it is!” Russell nodded so fast that his curls bobbed around his head. “This is going to be so great!”

“The fan merch is coming up later,” Anders said then with a wink. “Jormungand shirts, Jormungand flags, Jormungand mouse pads, Jormungand what-have-you. How does that sound?”  
“Absolutely awesome!” Emma clapped her hands. “I want Jormungand shirts now!”  
“Try one of those T-shirt print shops,” Anders said and grinned. “I’m sure they do quantity discount.”

“And we could design Viking style costumes,” Beth said and looked around. “That would be extra cool.”  
“You know, that sounds really good,” Craig said and leaned back, crossing his arms. “But it needs to be something not wool or stuff, or we’ll be cooking in our own juices on stage with all the spotlights. Does one of you guys know someone who can sew?”  
“I can have a look at that,” Beth replied with a grin.

Anders got up to make coffee and left the band to discuss the possibility of costumes, smiling to himself as he watched the coffee trickle into the cups.

* * *

The topic of proper management, the contracts, and the prospect of merchandise was the main conversation topic for the rest of the day, and even the New Year’s Eve party preparations suffered a little. That is, until Emma all reminded them that it all was far in the future while the party was the next day.

They had decided to have the party in Westmere that year, hosted by Jormungand, so to speak, and had pooled money together to buy party supplies. 

Russell however had excused himself from the immediate party preparations that afternoon, because he had promised Jeremy another session in the children’s ward. He wouldn’t be coming back as a volunteer in January, but he had promised the boy that he wouldn’t just abandon him in the hospital like that. He had offered to teach him, after all.

Jeremy was grinning like mad when Russell entered his room, and he immediately saw why: he had a guitar lying across his lap, one of the children’s guitars Grant & Wilson had had on special offer. 

“Look! Russell! Mum and Dad bought me a guitar!”  
“Great!” Smiling, Russell put his own guitar down and held out his hand to inspect Jeremy’s. 

Jeremy handed it to him a tiny bit reluctantly, but was still beaming at him. Russell checked if the guitar was properly tuned, and once satisfied, handed it back to Jeremy who snatched it and all but cuddled it to his chest.

“Okay then,” Russell said. “I play a bit out there for you guys, and then we two can sit together with your new baby there.”

Jeremy nodded eagerly and left the bed, and carefully placed the guitar there before following Russell out of the room. 

Russell’s mood was more than a little wistful that afternoon because it was his last time here, and a few of the children who had watched him play a few times now were sad as well. So Russell did an extra long performance, sort of as a farewell concert, before he said goodbye to the kids one by one. 

Once back in Jeremy’s room the two settled down, and now Russell was able to show Jeremy how to hold the guitar properly, how to place his hands, and how to position his fingers, without the boy being forced to stretch everything into unnatural angles due to the size of the instrument. 

“I want to learn Blackbird,” Jeremy said to Russell after the first few chords that sounded much better now that the guitar actually fit. “Can I?”  
“At one point,” Russell said with a compassionate little smile. He remembered that impatience well. “You have to learn a lot more chords for that and practise a lot. You know, Blackbird is actually a pretty difficult song.”  
“Then I practise every day!” Jeremy lowered his head and played his two chords again a few times.   
“Very good,” Russell replied, his smile brightening. “You will have to do that, practise every day. Even though you don’t feel like it, or if you’re bored, or if you think you won’t ever learn it. Also, your fingers will start to hurt. But you have to push through all that, and it’ll totally be worth it.”

Jeremy looked up and sighed. “It will take forever, right?”  
“I wouldn’t say that,” Russell replied. “It’s just hard work, learning an instrument. If you want to do it right, and not just be able to noodle around for a few songs.”  
After another sigh, Jeremy looked up at him. “How long did you need?”  
Russell huffed out a long breath. “I can’t actually remember, but it was about a year until I was able to play the difficult things.”  
“A year?” Jeremy’s eyes widened.  
“Yes,” Russell replied quickly, “so you better get going. And next Christmas you could be playing Blackbird yourself.”

Jeremy stared at him for another moment, and then adjusted his grip on the guitar again. Russell stayed for almost another hour, until Jeremy’s parents arrived. They thanked him again for what he had done for their son, and Russell just said that he loved doing it and that Jeremy was a delightful little guy and a very diligent student. 

He was still smiling when he arrived at Westmere, and telling his friends about the little boy who was battling cancer and trying to learn how to play guitar got everyone a little emotional. 

“Maybe we should all do the volunteer thing next year,” Matt said after putting his glasses back on. He had needed to wipe his eyes a little. “Maybe there’s other kids who want to learn an instrument.”  
“I don’t think the nurses would approve of a full-blown Jormungand performance,” Craig said drily.   
“It would have to be unplugged,” Emma said. “Or maybe not even Jormungand at all. Just us, playing our instruments. Matt’s got his violin, Craig his acoustic bass, and Danny has his djembe. What do you guys think?”  
“That I’d rather think about it for a bit before I make a commitment,” Craig replied. “Neither kids nor hospitals are my thing, so kids in a hospital...” He trailed off with a shrug.  
“I was just thinking,” Emma said with a small grin. “Don’t need to look so cornered.”

Craig lifted his eyebrows and took a sip of his beer.

“Something different,” Matt began then. “After the festival we’re going to start application for the next festival?”  
“I’d say so,” Craig said. “Cornell said we can try. Russell’s dad says he manages our stuff. And there’s fuck knows how many bands whose applications get rejected every year, so what do we have to lose?”  
“Nothing,” Russell said firmly. “And everything to gain. Just think!” He lifted his hands as if to paint a picture in the air. “Jormungand at the Auckland Festival!”

Emma lifted her bottle. “To Jormungand!”

The others joined her in their by now established battle cry, lifting their drinks in turn. 

“To Jormungand!”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter comes with a **Tissue Warning** , you might not want to read this in public. Minor character death.

With everyone suffering from hangovers of various degrees cleaning the house the morning after took forever, even though a few of their other friends stayed to give the band a hand in getting the house back into some sort of order.

Russ and Danny bought some take-away on their way back home and after having wolfed that down, got comfy on the sofa. It was not even close to evening, but they hadn’t slept at all last night so they just went for a lazy afternoon. After almost everyone else had fallen asleep at some time during the small hours of the night, they had gotten comfortable in their nest up in the attic and talked the rest of the night away.

They had talked about Jormungand and their dreams, and also that at one point in the foreseeable future, it was likely that Russell would have to celebrate New Year’s Eve without Danny because that was the night of the year that paramedics were the busiest. Also, Danny would start his third year soon and would be out in ambulance operations working shifts. It would be a huge readjustment for both of them.

But first came the festival, always on the first weekend in January. This year it was only three days after New Year, but since Russell didn’t have to work, as Grant & Wilson had closed the first week in January, he managed to see Jeremy every afternoon during those three days.

The boy however was tired most of the time as he had started a new cycle of chemotherapy, the final one, as he had told Russell repeatedly. Once that was over, he could go home, at least for a time. Russell tried to cheer him up somewhat when it became clear that Jeremy was tired and wasn’t able to do much practising, and played a few Beatles songs for him.

“I can’t come this weekend,” Russell told him as he packed up. “I’m going to the festival with friends. But I’ll be back on Monday. Promised.”  
Jeremy looked a little crestfallen, but nodded.  
“Hey.” Russell sat down on the bed and took one of Jeremy’s hands. “I promise. But I’ve been looking forward to the festival since the last one last year. I promise I’ll be back on Monday, Tuesday latest, even though I’m probably going to be a bit tired too.” He winked. “Then we can be tired together.”

A small smile appeared on the boy’s lips. “I practise as much as I can,” he said. “And I want to go to the festival too.”  
“On stage?” Russell grinned and winked again. “You’re ambitious.”

Jeremy blinked a few times, until he got the joke. Then he grinned too. “We could make a band together!”  
“I have a band,” Russell replied, still grinning. “But maybe you can join us. I’m sure we can use another skilled guitarist.”  
“Oh that would be so cool!” Jeremy clapped his hands. “I’m going to be on stage with you!”

Russell gave him a thumbs-up, and then played him another song.

Grinning to himself, Russell left the hospital wondering what Craig would have to say to the topic of a kid as third guitarist, but if said kid displayed the right amount of skill maybe he would be able to tolerate the issue of age. Craig confirmed that notion when Russell told him about little Jeremy’s dream as they packed their cars for the next day.

“If he’s any good, we can talk about it,” Craig said with a crooked grin. “But I’m not going to wipe arse.”  
“Craig, he’s ten.” Russell shook his head with a chuckle. “He doesn’t need his arse wiped anymore. Apart from that he’ll need a few years more before he’s good enough.”  
“Just saying.” Craig closed the boot of Matt’s car and cracked his knuckles, but he was still grinning.

“With ten he might be the youngest musician on stage with a rock band ever,” Emma said, grinning as well.  
“Probably since Hanson,” Russell replied, and when he realised everyone stared at him, he looked around. “Hanson?”

He was confronted with puzzled looks.

“Forget it.” He closed the boot of their car and dusted off his hands on his thighs. He didn’t need to delve into the topic of nineties pop bands he only happened to know because of ambitious dreams as a boy. Some things were best left unexplained to his metalhead friends.

* * *

Since the band had been up at the ass-crack of dawn – much to Russell’s chagrin but he saw the point so he didn’t complain – they had been able to secure a nice camp spot not too far from the festival ground entrance. Crazy Craig and Lilly found them there somewhat later, and around noontime, they had established their HQ again around Craig’s army tent and his beer cooler.

They had their schedule all planned out since the program had come out; mostly they went to the acts together but they split up for a few others. They all tagged along to the main act on the B stage Friday evening, an act that Craig and Danny wanted to see because the bassist of the band was Alex, former bassist of Deathwish. Lavender Lemon played solid hard rock, but later both Craig and Danny complained about the lack of bass.

“Alex must be bored out of his skull on that stage,” Craig muttered as they settled down in HQ that evening for a bite to eat between acts. “He can do so much more!”  
Danny shrugged and shook his head.  
“I mean did they even listen to Deathwish once?” Craig leaned forward. “That man can fucking play! And the boys of Deathwish knew that and it was what made them so great!”  
“One of many things,” Danny said wistfully and shook his head again. “It’s just not the same.”

“I hope Jake did better,” Craig said after a moment.  
“It was the Monster Machines, right?”  
Craig looked at his phone and nodded.  
“I didn’t even know they needed a new drummer.” Danny leaned forward to glance at Craig’s phone screen. “So Jake’s probably not getting bored.”  
“We’ll find out tomorrow.” Craig pocketed his phone again.

The two stared silently at their bottles.

“It’s just not the fucking same,” Danny muttered after a moment.  
Craig silently shook his head.

The others however didn’t leave them to their misery and dragged them out of camp again for the main act on the A stage. It was the first time Obsidian played on the A stage that year, but that position of honour was well deserved. They rocked the stage, the crowd went wild, and they couldn’t perform as many encores as the audience demanded.

It still wasn’t Deathwish, of course, and it would probably take another festival or two until the two would be over it.

* * *

The weather turned that night and the slight drizzle grew into a downpour at noon, but abated again as the afternoon progressed. Still, it turned the whole stage area into a mud fest, and they had to discover that Danny’s tent wasn’t waterproof enough. They stored their equipment in Craig’s tent and sucked it up; it was only one more night after all.

The Monster Machines were main act on the A stage that Saturday, the band already setting the mood when their lead singer rode onto the stage on a fucking Harley, accompanied by howling guitars and several thousand dollars worth of pyrotechnics.

True, Jake wasn’t bored at all, and the music was great and the show amazing. But it still wasn’t Deathwish, and since they all knew Craig and Danny well enough no one tried to cheer them up with things like ‘hey they’re still making cool music’ or ‘there were other great bands they could join’ or the like.

The soaked tent effectively prevented Russell and Danny from sleeping, so they just spent the remainder of the night, which wasn’t that long anyway, cuddled together waiting for sunrise. They had given up making out in wet sleeping bags as a lost cause rather quickly.

After the Touch-Down closing act they all had a few farewell drinks before they broke camp, and Russ and Danny headed towards Meadowbank where Dorothy almost had a heart attack at the sight of all the muddy, drenched equipment the two needed to hang up and spread out in the annex to dry.

The two cuddled up in a blanket fort on the sofa after starting a load of laundry and a serious shower, and spent some time watching movies and eating junk food before they ended up making out again, this time in more comfortable surroundings. After Danny fell from the sofa and only narrowly missed the coffee table with his head, they relocated into the bed where they stayed the rest of the day until dinner.

Russell had taken that Monday off, to be able to recover from the festival and sort all the stuff and laundry, but he had felt the first traces of a sore throat and that evening he started coughing.

“Seriously,” Danny said as he made some tea with honey. “One night in a wet tent and you’re already down with a cold?”  
Russell glared at him and closed his hands around the mug. “Yes, because what better way to end the festival than a fucking cold?”  
“Sorry.” Danny sat down and dropped a kiss onto Russell’s head. “Tell me when you need anything.”  
“A cuddle,” Russell muttered into his mug.

Danny was only too happy to comply.

The cold wasn’t too bad, just a sore throat and a bit of a cough, but it prevented Russell from visiting Jeremy for a few days more. So to make up for that he practised a few more Beatles songs for when he would see him again, and that Saturday he was done coughing so he took his guitar and made his way to the hospital.

He knocked at the door of Jeremy’s room, but when he entered, Jeremy’s bed was empty. Not just empty meaning Jeremy was somewhere else, but empty. The sheets were clean and straight; there was no toy and no bear, no books on the nightstand. Russell took a deep breath and closed the door again.

He found a nurse on the way to the nurses’ room and asked her about Jeremy. He was worried, more than he could hide.

The nurse’s words however felt like a kick to the stomach.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “There were complications and-”  
“Complications?” Russell was unable to keep his voice steady. “What kind of complications?”  
“I’m not allowed to disclose that information to you,” she said, a sad look in her eyes. “He had to be moved to the ICU on Tuesday, but he passed away Wednesday morning. I’m sorry, Russell.”

She touched his arm and continued down the corridor where she vanished into a room, and Russell was left standing there feeling as if he had swallowed a bucket of rocks.

Dead?

Just like that?

Russell felt cold and numb as he turned away again, and left the ward in slow steps. He leaned against the wall inside the elevator, still trying to process what had happened.

Jeremy was gone. The little boy who had been fighting so hard, who had had so many dreams... he was gone.

Having reached the entry hall Russell fell into the nearest chair and dropped his guitar case as carelessly as never before. Jeremy couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t just be gone like that. His mother had said things were looking good. That he could go home soon.

And Russell had promised him he’d be back. Then he’d gotten a bit of a cold and because of that, hadn’t come Tuesday but Saturday. But Jeremy wasn’t there anymore.

He wasn’t there anymore.

Russell’s mind was still blank, but he felt his hands begin to shake. Coldness draped over him like a cloak and his heart was racing, every beat a single word: no no no no...

He couldn’t be gone...

Russell reached for his guitar case but watched his shaking fingers for a moment before he took his phone instead.

 _“Russ?”_  
“Hey...” His voice was cracked and rough. “Can you pick me up at the hospital?”  
_“What the fuck?”_ Danny’s voice rose. _“Russ, what the fuck has happened?”_  
“Just...” All of a sudden, Russell was fighting tears. “Please come...”  
_“Shit.”_ By the sound of his voice, Danny was already moving. _“I’m on my way.”_

Russell had lost all sense of time as he sat there in the white plastic chair next to the window and a vending machine, and he looked at nothing and no one, staring empty-eyed at the swirling patterns of the linoleum floor.

Jeremy was gone.

It couldn’t be.

“Russ?”

Russell looked up to see Danny hurry towards him, out of breath and sweating. He must have run the whole way to the hospital.

“Russ, what the fuck happened to you?” Danny fell into the chair next to him.

It took Russell a moment to be able to speak, but his voice still hardly obeyed him. “Danny...” He shook his head; he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud, as if that would make it any less true.

Danny however had suddenly caught on. “Shit...” He whispered and took Russell’s hands between his. “It’s Jeremy, isn’t it?”

Russell could only nod, and then he broke. He fell against Danny’s shoulder, and Danny let go of his hands to clamp both arms around him as Russell went to pieces. He didn’t say anything as there was nothing that could make a difference, so he just held him, ignoring the stares of passersby.

Eventually Russell was able to let go and get up, and Danny took the guitar case in one hand and Russell’s hand in the other to steer him towards the doors and across the car park. He drove them both home, but Russell had fallen still and silent on their way home and was hardly able to move and get out of the car. And when he finally got out of the almost catatonic state he was in after Danny had deposited him on the sofa, he immediately went to pieces again.

“I promised him I’d be there...” Russell doubled over with a sob. “I promised and then I didn’t come and now he’s... he’s dead... I wanted to...” He couldn’t go on and broke off with another sob.

Danny closed both arms around him again as he cried, his eyes closed as he pressed his cheek into Russell’s curls.

“It’s not fair,” Russell sobbed into Danny’s shoulder. “It’s not fucking fair... he was only ten for fuck’s sake... it’s not fair!”  
“It’s not,” Danny whispered and tightened his hold. “Fuck... Russ, I’m so sorry...”  
“It’s not fucking fair!” Russell almost choked on those words. “He was only ten years... he was doing so well... he wanted to learn how to play guitar... Danny he can’t just be gone!”

Burying his fingers into Russell’s hair with a sigh, Danny could only shake his head. There wasn’t anything anyone could do or say to lessen the pain, so he just held on and let Russell cry. Later, when Russell had calmed down a little, even if it was only from exhaustion, he stuffed some clothes and toiletries into a bag and ferried them both to Godden Crescent in the hopes that between him and Anders, they would be able to help Russell to get over the shock.

Once Russell was settled on the sofa with a blanket and a coffee, Anders took Danny aside in the kitchen.

“You’re starting work next week, don’t you?”  
Danny nodded. “And Russ does too, or is supposed to, at least.”  
“Maybe he can take a day or two off,” Anders said thoughtfully. “But let’s see how it goes tomorrow.”  
“Maybe,” Danny said with a frown. “But I can’t.”  
“Shift work starts Monday?”  
Nodding, Danny emptied his cup. “At six in the morning.”  
“Crap.” Anders held out his hand for Danny’s cup. “Russell is going to hate you.”  
“We get that sorted,” Danny replied and shook his head when Anders questioningly lifted the empty cup. “I just have to practise getting out of bed and getting ready without waking him up.”

They both turned towards the living room where Russell sat huddled on the sofa.

“Fuck... I don’t want to leave him alone all the time now. Why did that shit have to happen now?”  
“There’s no right timing for that sort of shit,” Anders replied and sighed. “The poor boy. It could break anyone’s heart.”

Danny shook his head with another sigh and headed towards the living room again where he sat down next to Russell on the sofa. Russell fell against him and Danny pulled him close, but didn’t say anything. What was there to say, after all? They all knew that life had to go on, somehow, but that you don’t just shrug something like this off, either.

Danny needed most of the night to convince Russell that he didn’t need to feel so guilty of never having seen the boy again. Yes, he had promised to be there Monday or Tuesday, but he wouldn’t have been allowed anywhere near the boy anyway with that cold, even without further complications. And he wouldn’t have been allowed to see him in the ICU either.

Russell could accept that eventually, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I watched a whole documentary series about the daily lives of paramedics in the UK, and everything that happens to Danny is taken from there. I know London isn't Auckland, but hoax calls and elderly people with breathing difficulties that aren't real are not limited to England. The above applies for upcoming events in Danny's life in the chapters that follow. Some things will be made up by me, but still be related to and inspired by real events.

Russell had slept better than expected Sunday night, but the Sunday he had planned on spending with Danny had still gone. Danny would start shift work the next day and they had meant to spend the day together with cuddling, and maybe a bit more, before their time together would be rapidly reduced.

So despite being shattered Russell labored out of bed Monday morning at four thirty to see Danny off, and although he went back to bed he didn’t really sleep anymore until eight when he had to get up himself.

Allan and Henry wanted to send him home again the moment he stepped through the door, but Russell explained what had happened, and also that he didn’t want to be at home staring at the walls. He did mostly shelving and stocktaking that day, interacting with customers as little as possible. It was hard when he had to sort through the children’s exercise books, but he forced himself to think that life had to go on somehow, over and over again.

Coming home to an empty flat didn’t make it better, but he kept himself busy with cleaning, cooking, and then gaming until at seven, Danny fell in through the door with a face that was a little pale and drawn with exhaustion.

“Christ, Danny…” Russell grabbed the backpack and hurried towards the coffee maker. “What the fuck happened?”  
“Just… work.” Danny fell into the nearest chair. “Apparently it wasn’t even a busy day,” Danny said and shook his head. “I’ll have to get used to that.”

Russell sat down opposite him and put down the extra large, extra strong coffee. “You were grinning like crazy this morning when you talked about your uniform with _Paramedic Student_ printed on the back.”  
“Still am,” Danny replied and gave him a tired smile. “But working twelve hour shifts takes some getting used to.”  
“I would like to ask how your day was,” Russell said then, “but I doubt I could handle all the details.”  
“Oh, nothing crazy,” Danny said and tried the coffee. It was still a bit hot so he put the mug down again. “We ferried a few elderly people to the hospital and there were a few car accidents, nothing too bad.”

They didn’t mention it, but any day, maybe tomorrow or the day after, Danny would hit the cruel reality of a paramedic’s life, which is losing the fight. Since Danny wasn’t one to give up easily he was suited for that fight, but losing it would take a lot out of him. They both knew that, and tried to mentally prepare for it, as much as that was possible anyway.

They had dinner together but Danny fell asleep on the sofa as they were watching a movie, so Russell sent him to bed.

“Be right behind you,” he said after getting off the sofa. “Getting up in the middle of the night isn’t my thing.”  
“We both gotta get used to that,” Danny said after a jaw-cracking yawn.  
“I know.”

Danny was definitely up for a cuddle after they had settled down in bed, but was out like a light the moment he got comfortable. Russell was left alone again, even though listening to Danny’s breathing was a bit better than being completely alone.

His own thoughts were still running wild, his mind digging out every memory of every catastrophe, big and small, that had ever happened in his life. It took him a long time to fall asleep, and he had the feeling he had barely closed his eyes when Danny left the bed again. He had his alarm on vibrate and the phone under his pillow, but Russell woke up anyway. Danny however told him to stay in bed this time, and Russell could only comply. He was beat.

The day at work was quiet, and the three of them went through a lot of inventory that day and did a lot of cleaning in the shop and the storage rooms. And Russell stared out of the window with a wistful smile every time he could hear a siren outside.

* * *

Wearing the uniform with _Paramedic Student_ on the back had been a dream for so long now that Danny had to force himself to focus every now and then on his first and second day.

For now he had seen a few accidents, but nothing too bad, and he had learned that quite often paramedics did work that wasn’t really the job of paramedics. Especially elderly people called an ambulance for issues that were no emergencies, but they didn’t know who else to call or didn’t know they shouldn’t be calling 111, or they simply needed some attention of someone who cared. Most of these jobs could have done by community nurses or social workers. It was frustrating because it used resources and time that were desperately needed elsewhere sometimes, but they still took care of those people as best as they could, of course.

Danny had his first confrontation with death on his second day, when they were dispatched to a man in cardiac arrest. His daughter had found him in bed that morning, and they fought for more than half an hour until it became clear that they couldn’t get him back.

He felt abysmally as they cleared the job, and Thomas, one of the senior paramedics he was on shift with, sat down next to him for a moment and rested his hand on Danny’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything; they both knew perfectly well that he had to get used to it, and find ways to cope with it.

He also experienced his first hoax call not too long before his shift was over, and for a few moments he was so angry he didn’t know what to do about it.

“It’s one of the worst things about the job,” Thomas told him as they headed back after clearing their last job. “And the most frustrating.”  
“Why are people like that,” Danny said, but the question was mostly rhetorical. People were assholes, or so thoughtless they might as well be assholes. The dispatcher had decided that a woman who had fallen down the stairs and broken a leg had to wait for the ambulance and sent Danny’s crew to the scene of a supposed suicide, only for them to discover the house at the given address stood empty. “What do they get out of that?”  
“I don’t know.” Thomas sighed. “I don’t know how those people tick. I don’t know what sick kind of kick they get out of that.”

Danny was still trying to get over his frustration when he drove home, but managed to put it mostly behind him on the way. He didn’t want to drag Russell into this too as he had his own shit to deal with right now. As he locked the car he wondered briefly how he would be able to cope if he would ever lose a child, but quickly pushed that thought aside again. Wondering about it beforehand was pointless and stress for no reason.

Russell had made dinner again when Danny came home, and while he had clearly been crying and didn’t even try to hide it, he seemed more composed than the night before. Yes, life had to go on, but life was also fucking unfair, and sometimes you just needed some time to get over it.

He wanted nothing more than to give Russell a proper cuddle that night, but he fell asleep while waiting for him to be done in the bathroom, much to his chagrin when he discovered that the next morning. Danny had the day off and would do his first night shift that evening, and then, after another night shift, he would have four days off. He couldn’t fucking wait. 

Danny still forced himself out of bed to see Russell off, but went back to bed again straight after.

He would get used to it, he knew. He had been in classrooms and clinical practice so far, and now, out in the field, workloads and stress levels were something entirely different.

But the next time he and Russell had a few days to themselves Danny would make sure they spent at least a few hours each day in bed, and not for sleeping. Maybe they could take the term ‘being tied to the bed’ quite literally.

Danny smiled to himself as he closed his eyes again.

* * *

Russell left work early that Wednesday because Allan and Henry had a family event to attend to and closed the shop at three.

He knew Danny was home, but for some reason Russell took the bus to Mission Bay instead, but his father wasn’t home yet, and neither was Seona. He debated with himself if he should take a walk to Mission Bay Beach but eventually decided against it and took the next bus back.

Something made him get off the bus earlier though, and without having made a conscious decision about it he found himself on his way to Cornwall Park. The wind picked up speed as Russell made his way up One Tree Hill, and he found himself completely alone once he had reached the top.

Hands shoved deeply into his pockets he stood there next to the tower, and looked up into the grey heavy sky, and remembered. Remembered the day he had stood here, a little boy holding on to his father’s hand while letting go of a white balloon.

Maybe he should have brought a balloon for Jeremy. But in the end, the balloon, or whatever ritual else people came up with, was for the sake of the ones who were left behind. And Russell doubted that a balloon would have given him much comfort. Wherever Jeremy was, a balloon wouldn’t reach him there.

So he closed his eyes and let his tears flow because it was too hard to try and stop them.

It was when he opened his eyes again that he suddenly saw what he had been searching for so long now.

Tears trickled down his cheeks as he stared wide-eyed ahead, past the old tree, across the expanse of Auckland below, and towards the line where the sky met the ocean behind Rangitoto Island. Lips parted he stood there, closing his eyes, and the wind played with his hair, tossing his curls about. He shuddered, just once, and opened his eyes again.

He had no idea it would feel this way. This knowledge, this bone-deep surety.

Taking a deep breath, Russell wiped the back of his hand across his face. Images of Jeremy flashed before his inner eyes, staring longingly at Russells guitar, clutching his new guitar with a grin as bright as the sun. A tired smile on a pale face, his fingers on the guitar next to him on the bed.

Jeremy was gone. But he had left something in Russell’s life that Russell would forever be grateful for.

Russell still stared at Rangitoto Island as the wind that was messing up his curls dried the tears on his cheeks.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy's funeral. You might need a tissue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to link Blackbird here, but for some odd reason the original CD version of this song is nowhere to be found, only dozens of variations of a rehearsal version which is not what is in my mind. If anyone finds it, please let me know.

Russell was awfully unfocussed the next day because he had hardly slept, but both Allan and Henry displayed their usual patience and, in a way, went back to the days when Russell had still been a newcomer. They gave him clear orders for things he technically knew, and occasionally checked on him when he was operating the till. Russell did what he could, and his bosses appreciated it, and in return, offered what help they could.

Since he hadn’t slept properly since Friday night he was beat when he came home, and was more than a little surprised to find his father, sitting at the table and chatting with Danny over a coffee.

“Dad?”  
“Missed me?” Anders got up and gave him a hug.  
“Um.” Russell brushed a handful of curls back. “Is something wrong?”  
“No. Just a little weird.”

Anders made another coffee and the two sat down again.

“See,” Anders began. “I had a strange phone call earlier this afternoon. Well, not strange in a weird hoax call of thing, but more very unexpected.” He took a sip of coffee. “Caroline Fisher called J:PR. ”  
“Who?” Russell shook his head.  
“Oh.” Anders cleared his throat. “Jeremy’s mother.”

Russell almost lost his grip on his cup and put it down. “What?”  
“Yes.” Anders reached out and touched Russell’s hand. “She said she worked through the whole phone book of Auckland and called every Johnson in there, looking for you.”  
Staring at him open-mouthed, Russell didn’t know what to say.  
“She left her number,” Anders went on and produced a piece of paper from his breast pocket. “And she asked me to pass it on, and also to ask you to please call her back as soon as possible.”

Russell’s fingers were shaking a bit as he took the slip of paper, and he stared at the numbers for a moment until he took a deep breath. He got up and headed for the bedroom, watched by a mildly worried Anders and very worried Danny.

He closed the bedroom door behind him and sat down on the bed, but it took him another moment before he was able to take his phone.

It rang a few times until someone answered.

_“Yes. Caroline Fisher.”_  
“Um… Hello, Mrs Fisher.” Russell swallowed hard. “It’s Russell.”  
_“Russell!”_ It sounded as if she was swallowing a small sob. _“Thank god I found you. Thank you so much for calling back.”_  
“It’s… it’s okay, really. What can I do for you?”

At the other end, Jeremy’s mother took a deep breath. “ _I… I have a request. I know this is really on short notice, but it took me days to find you because we didn’t… we never exchanged numbers, for some reason.”_  
“You had a lot on your mind,” Russell said cautiously.  
_“True.”_ Her voice broke.

A long pause followed, in which Russell waited for her to sort herself.

_“Russell, I have a request,”_ she said again, her voice slightly unsteady. _“And as I said, I know it’s on short notice, and I won’t blame you if you say no, but I was… I was wondering… I wanted to ask if you could come to Jeremy’s funeral tomorrow and play a song for him.”_

Russell inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. He had no idea what he had expected, but it wasn’t this. He exhaled softly with slightly parted lips. And he saw Jeremy smile at him with his guitar clutched to his chest, declaring that he would be able to play Blackbird by the end of the year.

“I… Yes. Yes, of course I will,” Russell said after another short moment. “I’m… honoured. I really am. I’ll be there tomorrow. Where and when?”  
_“It’s… Waikumete Cemetery in Glen Eden,”_ Jeremy’s mother said. _“At two pm.”_  
“Okay.” Russell opened his eyes and realised his vision was blurry. “Okay, I’ll be there.”  
_“Thank you so much Russell,”_ she said, and her voice was thick with tears. _“It means so much to us.”_  
“It’s… I… I’m honoured,” Russell managed to say. He looked up at the door and blinked a few times. “Can I… can I bring my boyfriend?”  
_“Of course you can. He’s very welcome.”_  
“Thank you,” Russell said and bit his lower lip. “I… I’ll be there.”  
_“Thank you so much,”_ Jeremy’s mother said again.  
“It’s okay.” Russell swallowed hard. “I’ll be there tomorrow.”

They said goodbye, but Russell stared at the bedroom door for a good long while before he could push himself off the bed.

Both his father and Danny looked at him with worried eyes.

“I… Jeremy’s mother...” he said and fell into the chair next to Danny who immediately took one of Russell’s hands. “She asked me… if I could come to Jeremy’s funeral tomorrow.”  
“And?” Anders asked and leaned forward.  
“Of course I will,” Russell replied, blinking his tears away. “It’s the least thing I can do.”  
“And…” Danny squeezed his hand. “Are you going there alone?”  
“She said it’s okay to take you along,” Russell said and looked up. “If you want, of course.”  
“As if I let you go there alone if I can avoid it,” Danny replied and leaned closer to press a kiss on Russell’s cheek.

Russell stared at the table for another moment and then sighed heavily before getting up.

“I have to practise,” he said slowly.  
“Do you really have to practise Puff the magic dragon?” Danny asked with raised eyebrows.  
Russell gave him a sad, wistful smile. “It’s not going to be Puff the magic dragon, Danny.”

Danny nodded after a moment, and made more coffee as Russell sat down with his guitar. Anders declined another coffee and got on his way home, and Russell spent the rest of the day practising with grim determination. He couldn’t afford a single mistake tomorrow. He wanted it to be perfect, even if no one else would care if it wouldn’t be. He cared.

* * *

Russell borrowed his father’s black silk shirt again the next day, but only that, as he owned a pair of black jeans and didn’t think Jeremy’s parents would care much for appearances if you weren’t totally tasteless. Danny was a different matter; he was wearing black jeans, and the grey shirt and black jacket his mother had bought him for job interviews. For that outfit he had bought a pair of casual dress shoes, and to see him like that, in that outfit without combat boots and with braided hair, almost felt to Russell as if he was looking at another man.

“Don’t like it?” Danny asked as he left the bedroom.  
Russell snapped his mouth shut and managed a smile. “No. I mean yes!”

Both of them chuckled.

“It’s great,” Russell went on, the smile a little brighter. “Just… I’m not used to that.”  
“I’m not used to that either,” Danny said with a wry grin and rolled his shoulders. “But I thought I have to try it on someday anyway.”  
“So you can practise wearing formal clothing?”  
Danny shrugged. “Probably.”

They exchanged a smile, and Danny pecked a kiss onto Russell’s lips. “You ready?”  
“As ready as I can be,” Russell replied and picked up his guitar case.

They arrived at the cemetery at half past one, and they already had difficulties finding a place for their car.

Jeremy’s father was waiting at the door to the chapel and greeted Russell with a nod and a handshake, and told him he had a place in the second row to the right, at the outer end of the bench close to the wall. That way it was easiest for Russell to leave his seat, and his guitar case wouldn’t block the way.

A large group of children was also there, all sitting at the back on the left side, and Russell guessed those were Jeremy’s classmates. But for children that age, they were very quiet and subdued, and a few were also crying.

Once they entered, Jeremy’s mother walked up to Russell and embraced him, and somewhat hampered by the guitar Russell returned the embrace. She wiped her eyes and nodded, a brave smile on her face. Unsurprisingly, she seemed to have aged twenty years since Russell had last seen her.

It was hard to look at the small white coffin covered in flowers that stood before the altar. A framed picture sat on the coffin, of a boy with reddish, messy hair and a gap-toothed smile. Russell, who only had known Jeremy during his fight with cancer, could hardly keep himself from crying again.

He and Danny sat down at the outer edge of the second bench, and it didn’t take long for the service to start. Russell held on to Danny’s hand with an iron grip, but listened to the speeches of the priest, Jeremy’s father, his grandfather, and aunt, only with half an ear. Eventually, Jeremy’s father beckoned Russell forward, and while he and the priest adjusted the microphone, Russell got his guitar out of the case.

Russell walked towards the altar very slowly, and swallowed hard as he looked at the picture again. It was so fucking unfair.

“Most of you won’t know me,” he said softly into the microphone. “My name is Russell, and I met Jeremy in the hospital shortly before Christmas. I was working there as a holiday volunteer.” He took a deep breath to steady himself. “I played for the children there, and Jeremy wanted to learn how to play guitar. I tried… I sort of started teaching him, but it wasn’t easy, of course. We wanted to start lessons when he would get home again… but that never happened.”

He needed a moment to get a grip on himself again, and dug the heel of his right hand into one eye, then the other. Then he looked up, and at Jeremy’s parents who were sitting in the first row directly in front of him.

“Mr and Mrs Fisher… I simply can’t fathom your loss, and I don’t know if this can be any comfort for you, but meeting Jeremy has changed my life, and the way I look at it. When I…”

He closed his eyes for a moment and took another deep breath.

“I was kind of adrift,” he went on. “I didn’t really know what to do with my life. But meeting Jeremy has changed that. Because through meeting him… I realised what I am supposed to do with the time given to me.” Russell took a deep breath. “I am going to be a teacher, a music teacher. I will teach children how to make music. That is what Jeremy has done for me. He helped me find my purpose. And that is his legacy, something that will forever be a part of my life. And something I will forever be grateful for.”

Jeremy’s father gave him a slight nod, and Jeremy’s mother smiled at Russell through her tears. Russell nodded and took a small step back, and adjusted his guitar while turning towards the coffin.

“I wish I could have had the chance to get to know you better. But I know you would have been a great musician.” He plucked at two strings. “This one is for you.”

Then Russell closed his eyes and started playing; he sang softly but because of the microphone it was still audible in the whole chapel.

_“Blackbird singing in the dead of night,_  
_Take these broken wings and learn to fly,_  
_All your life,_  
_You were only waiting for this moment to arise.”_

Russell was a semi-professional performer by now, but he couldn’t keep the occasional little hitch out of his voice.

_“Blackbird singing in the dead of night,_  
_Take these sunken eyes and learn to see,_  
_All your life,_  
_You were only waiting for this moment to be free.”_

_“Blackbird fly, blackbird fly,_  
_Into the light of the dark black night.”_

He kept his eyes mostly closed as he sang; only occasionally he opened them to cast a look at the portrait on the coffin. His voice became a little steadier as he went on, but not much.

_“Blackbird singing in the dead of night,_  
_Take these broken wings and learn to fly,_  
_All your life,_  
_You were only waiting for this moment to arise.”_

The last note trailed off into the silence of the chapel, and after a moment, Russell opened his eyes and gave Jeremy’s parents a nod. Both of them had tears on their cheeks, but they returned the nod, Jeremy’s mother with a trembling little smile.

The priest stepped forward again as Russell put away his guitar, and Danny draped an arm around him as he sat down again. The service was coming to an end, and when the pallbearers picked up the coffin, the people began to get up to follow it outside.

A lot of people were offering condolences and hugs to the bereaved parents and their family, and Russell had to wait his turn.

“I’m so sorry,” Russell whispered huskily.  
“Thank you,” Jeremy’s mother whispered. “It does mean a lot.” She embraced him, and Russell could return the embrace properly this time as Danny was carrying his guitar. “What you said, before your song.” Tears were running down her cheeks.  
Russell nodded. “I will… I will never forget him.”  
She shook her head and wiped the tears off her face. “I wish you all the best, Russell. All the best.”  
“Thank you.”

With that he let go, and he no longer bothered to fight his tears as he walked away. Danny took his hand, and they walked slowly towards the car. Neither of them said a word on their way home, and they still hadn’t spoken a word even after changing into comfy clothes and making coffee.

“Danny,” Russell said then, after they had gotten comfortable on the sofa. “There’s something…”  
Danny leaned forward and took one of Russell’s hands.  
“I know it’s…” Russell sighed heavily and finally looked up at Danny. “When you… when you asked me to marry you, and we said we can wait…”  
“We are getting married,” Danny said gently but firmly. “That hasn’t changed.”  
“But…” Russell bit his lip. “I don’t… I just don’t know why we have to wait.”

Danny took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. “Russ… I get it. I do. But we said we have time.”  
“I know.” Russell swallowed hard. “I know. I know we’re young. But life… life is precious. If Jeremy taught me one lesson than it’s that. Life is so fucking precious. Why do we have to wait for something we both want?”  
“Russell…” Danny sighed. “You’re only twenty-one and-”  
“Jeremy was only ten!”

Danny pressed his lips together and blinked a few times. And closing his eyes, he exhaled softly through his nose while dropping his head. Then he let go of Russell’s hand and looked up at him again.

“Life is so fucking precious,” Russell whispered again, with tears on his cheeks.

Nodding slowly, Danny cradled Russell’s face in his hands and brushed the tears away with his thumbs. “We can have a look at rings first thing tomorrow,” he said softly.

Then he leaned forward and placed a tender kiss onto Russell’s lips and pulled him close. Russell sank into his embrace, and both closed their arms around each other.


End file.
